How to get past the fact that I’ll never have a daughter

[DaisyEM]

All my life I have wanted my own family, and I have two beautiful boys (4 and 7 months). With both pregnancies I was realistic and knew it could swing either way, but if I was being completely honest with myself, both times i hoped for a girl. This isn’t a matter of not wanting a boy, I know if I had had a girl first, I would have hoped for a boy second time around. I have thought about having my own daughter since I was about 7 years old, and I’m finding it really hard to let go of the fictional daughter I had created in my mind.

in an ideal world I would have my two boys and a daughter, but my husband doesn’t want any more and in both my pregnancies I had complications, and after the birth of my 2nd son I haemorrhaged, so it doesn’t seem worth the risk to consider a third, even if my husband was open to the idea.

I desperately just want to move on and just enjoy my two boys, and I go through phases where not having a daughter doesn’t bother me, or I can at least ignore it, but then something pops up and I’m dwelling on it again.

My SIL has just found out they are expecting a girl in January, and I’m so worried I’m going to find it really hard watching her bring up a daughter. During the pregnancy I feel like I can easily forget about it, but once she’s here I’m worried it’ll feel like it’s really in my face and unavoidable. I also feel like I can’t disclose how I feel to anyone I know, because I know I’m not supposed to feel like this. I just want to focus on being the best mother I can to my two boys and I know I’m so lucky to have them, I just can’t seem to forget about that little girl I thought I would have and know I never will. If anyone can offer any advice I’d really appreciate it x

You might have a lovely grand daughter one day , I always thought that i would get to have a daughter.but I haven’t been able to have any children unfortunately but every one has a reason to grieve for not having something that they really wanted x

My friend had 4 boys and felt the same. Those 4 boys now they are adults give her more joy than she ever imagined.. you will feel differently one day. Don’t listen to posters being harsh.. you’re mourning for what wasn’t to be and that’s completely natural.

I have one of each and I can tell you it’s 100% the character and not the sex that counts.

You had a lifelong dream that didn't materialize. You're human and it's totally valid to mourn that.

I empathise completely. I have a lovely boy, but I am not interested in boy things, hence, father and son spend a lot of time together enjoying boy jokes, games etc

I have on many occasion felt left out and I do wish I had a girly daughter to hang out with, but I accept things as they are (and usually go and do something girly )!

My son and I do enjoy cooking together, looking at plants and animals when out and about, playing board games etc

Perhaps in time you will find some shared interests?

Yes I’m aware of that (although have never personally experienced it), but the person who said it spoke about rugby clubs so that wasn’t what automatically came to mind tbh.

Your youngest is only 7 months, and I know I was super broody around this time, nature’s way of getting you to reproduce again.
I always wanted a daughter and had 2 boys (who I love to bits). For practical reasons we didn’t try for a third- due to money, jobs and family issues . But then several years later things had changed and I did have a third, who was/is my much longed for DD. Saying that, she is currently a sulky nightmare teenager who has given me more stress than her brothers. So be careful what you wish for, as you might get your DD and she might not live up to your dream daughter ideal. Or if you had a third and it was another boy how would you feel? I had a school friend who is one of 7 girls as they wanted a son and kept trying, they gave up in the end!

No misogyny at DH’s rugby club however if you want your DC to become a playing member it’s far more likely for a boy than a girl.

It’s not unexpected that parents who enjoy male dominated activities favour having boys rather than girls.

Your suggestion that parents who hold such a preference are in some way in the wrong is grossly offensive and highlights your own ignorance far more than those who you are accusing.

Maybe you need to find some joy in things that don't involve your children? ☺️

You could simply be hyper focussing on it because you need a bit of personal fulfilment and self care. You know yourself your thoughts are a little out of proportion when you think of your two beautiful boys, it's not helpful to beat yourself up or allow anybody else to. Being kind to yourself and throwing yourself into something entirely for you ( Hobbies, self care activities, time away from the house just being you etc ) may help with healthier thoughts.

After fertility treatment for my first, I was devastated I couldn't have a second. Until I found myself and worked out who I was, and what else brought me joy other than my plans working out how I wanted them too.

Give it a whirl.

Good luck x

Mum of boys too.

People are individuals.

All children as individuals too.

I don't have a great relationship with my mum, who definitely prefers my brother.

However, I have a fantastic relationship with my nightclubbing, car-obsessed, designer clothes-wearing, dog loving son.

I also have a fantastic relationship with my dance-trained, brunch-sharing, charity shop–browsing, plant-growing, expert ‘crocheter’ meal cooking son.

Treat your children as individuals rather than expecting them to fit a mould.

Can't you consider another? I had haemorrhage and still had another, it was fine. Most men have to be pursauded into another after the first one or two, they don't get broody of course! I know you may have a third boy but it's not like you'd ever regret him, and a trio of brothers would be lovely anyway. 7 months is still very early postpartum, your hormones will be everywhere.. you won't always feel this emotional about it. Don't feel guilty about your feelings, it's no reflection on the love you have for your sons as anyone with half a brain should know. Your feelings are perfectly valid, some things are painful to accept and it takes time. It's a form of grief you are going through, be gentle on yourself.

Thanks everyone for continuing to add their messages, I’m sat here reading them all while I nurse my 7 month old to sleep 💙

@AWitchCalledMeg my DH has said we won’t be having a third and I’m 99% sure he won’t be changing his mind. In both my pregnancies my waters went significantly early and I count myself lucky that I had a positive outcome with both my boys, so part of me feels like I’d be pushing my luck if I tried for a third and feel like my boys need me to be strong and here for them, and risking experiencing a potentially extremely traumatic event probably just isn’t worth it 😢 I need to put them first in this situation I think.

Solidarity OP as I feel exactly the same as you. My boys are 3.5 and 18 months.

My DH would have another one if I really wanted I think but I don’t think I want 3 children. I think about it all the time though just that what if…

its been really nice to read through the helpful comments on this thread though thank you

I love this