How to get past the fact that I’ll never have a daughter

[DaisyEM]

All my life I have wanted my own family, and I have two beautiful boys (4 and 7 months). With both pregnancies I was realistic and knew it could swing either way, but if I was being completely honest with myself, both times i hoped for a girl. This isn’t a matter of not wanting a boy, I know if I had had a girl first, I would have hoped for a boy second time around. I have thought about having my own daughter since I was about 7 years old, and I’m finding it really hard to let go of the fictional daughter I had created in my mind.

in an ideal world I would have my two boys and a daughter, but my husband doesn’t want any more and in both my pregnancies I had complications, and after the birth of my 2nd son I haemorrhaged, so it doesn’t seem worth the risk to consider a third, even if my husband was open to the idea.

I desperately just want to move on and just enjoy my two boys, and I go through phases where not having a daughter doesn’t bother me, or I can at least ignore it, but then something pops up and I’m dwelling on it again.

My SIL has just found out they are expecting a girl in January, and I’m so worried I’m going to find it really hard watching her bring up a daughter. During the pregnancy I feel like I can easily forget about it, but once she’s here I’m worried it’ll feel like it’s really in my face and unavoidable. I also feel like I can’t disclose how I feel to anyone I know, because I know I’m not supposed to feel like this. I just want to focus on being the best mother I can to my two boys and I know I’m so lucky to have them, I just can’t seem to forget about that little girl I thought I would have and know I never will. If anyone can offer any advice I’d really appreciate it x

I have 2 boys and sometimes I have moments of thinking how it would be nice to have a girl, but it’s not something I ever dwell on or get massively caught up with. However, for multiple reasons, we decided to stick with 2 kids and I’d always imagined 3. In my head, 2 kids was not our complete family and I always envisioned 3 little ones running around. It was honestly a bit of a mourning/ grieving process of realising I would only ever have 2 children. The gender wasn’t wrapped up in this for me as I think it would be nice to have a girl, but also think it would be incredible to have 3 boys. But weirdly I felt like I had to grieve for someone that never existed which sounds bizarre, I know.

I had to think of the positives of having 2. We can’t afford a bigger house, or another child’s Christmas presents, another birthday celebration; not without taking away from our boys, anyway. We struggled so much financially when my boys were little, before they started school. We can’t do that again. For all of these reasons (plus many, many more) it didn’t happen and couldn’t happen for years and years. I grieved the fact it probably wouldn’t ever happen. About 2 years ago the conversation came up of maybe we should do it (you never regret the children you have and all that). At this point we were well and truly past the young child stages and I pictured nappies, sleepless nights, toddler temper tantrums, the lot, we talked lots, uuumed and aaahed, said we probably shouldn’t, but maybe we could. I then didn’t come on my period on the day I thought I would and honestly, I was filled with so much dread at the idea of the nappies, sleepless nights etc, as well as the fact that I wouldn’t be able to give my boys the attention they deserve as I’d be busy with a baby and they’re well past young children years. I came on my period the next day, gave a huge sigh of relief and about a year ago my husband had the snip.

I still have moments where I wonder what life would’ve been like if we’d have had a 3rd when the boys were younger (3 under 5 would’ve been the dream), and sometimes it’s a little bit sad, but it’s no longer that awful feeling of feeling like there was meant to be another little person in the family. We now have a camper van that sits and sleeps 4; not possible with a family of 5 (and couldn’t have afforded a van that sleeps 5). We have a lovely home (wouldn’t fit 5 of us). Family life is crazy, as it always is with kids, but the boys are at the age where they’re genuinely awesome company and hold incredible conversations; I really value my time with them as more grown up children now. My work is absolutely crazy and I wouldn’t be able to do this with a baby at the same time; I’d be a nervous wreck.

So what I’m saying to you is, your situation is slightly different to mine and maybe your experience will be different to mine, but if it is anything like mine it may be that it’s something you learn to come to terms with and “grieve” (as ridiculous as that sounds) and although you may still have moments of wondering how life would’ve been, you’re ok with it being as it is.

My mil only had sons. She is so close to all her daughters in law, myself included, and the one who lives closest to her is better than a daughter to her. She has lovely granddaughters too. You could have the joy of two lovely boys and then have a close relationship with a daughter figure as well.

I think it’s understandable to have these feelings especially when PP has pointed out that raising girls and boys is “a completely different experience” as they get older. It’s reasonable for someone to think they’d have been better suited to one or the other.
It’s also a bit sad for lots of people to talk about getting DILs one day. I know it’s meant well but personally, I don’t want to wait 30 years to potentially have a relationship with someone else’s daughter, I want my own.

People always say it's "all stereotypes" but I grew up with two brothers and my home growing up was VERY different to my friends with sisters. I am close to my brothers but it's just a very different relationship to all my girl relationships and my friends who had sisters and their siblings relationships.

To deny boys/girls and men/women are different is just silly imo. I can understand a sex preference for kids and getting over that, whether it's a preference for boys or girls

So back in the day I would have wanted to shake you and go "you have two healthy children, what more could you possibly want?" but I can kind of understand where you're coming from. It's not so much about the sex of the child but the idea you have in your head, or the image of what you wanted your family to look like. Like this longing for something that doesn't necessarily make any logical sense. I think it's fine to grieve it, but if you are struggling to deal with it, I would wholeheartedly recommend counselling. I think this is something you will probably get over once you're out of the stage when your children are young, and this second guessing becomes more irrelevant as you move on with growing children and new challenges.

For what it's worth, I was pregnant with a baby girl but her sex chromosomes were very messed up and she was deemed to be incompatible with life, so that pregnancy sadly came to an end. It was pretty traumatic. I had a little boy soon after, and I have absolutely treasured him and I am so grateful he is here and that he made me a mum. I never had a preference on sex and I just wanted a healthy child, so I am happy I have one. I was absolutely desperate for a second child but that didn't happen as DH didn't want any more (and he left in the end but that's a different story), and I completely understand the grief and the longing. I think maybe these feelings are similar to you longing for a girl? Logically you know there's nothing you can do and you should be happy with what you have, but the feelings are there. I ended up having counselling (and antidepressants) and it has helped. Time has also helped.

I don't like gender stereotypes so I have always done whatever activities with my son and he is happy doing "girly" stuff and "boyish" stuff. That stuff doesn't matter in our house, and I have a great relationship with my son (so far 😆). I think my mum was a little disappointed as she always wanted a "girly girl" and I ended up being the opposite, but she never made me feel like I'm not enough, and she always encouraged me to do my own thing. It sounds like you're not letting your feelings affect your boys so that's good. I hope you can find peace with things the way they are. 🤗

That's it exactly - the feeling that there was meant to be another little person at the table and there isn't and never will be. I do think it's like a grieving process and hopefully will get better with time :) I'm glad to hear that you feel OK about having not had a third now xx

I think this is a little unreasonable of him. I have one of each and as a PP said upthread I am sometimes sad that neither of them have that same sex sibling relationship ( I have a sister whom I have always been super close to). We agreed when I was pregnant with Dd ( DC2) that if it were a girl then we would stop. Sometimes I am a little sad that I never got my third baby. This is a feeling I share with v. few people as I am percieved as having the " perfect" family. If you still feel this way in a year I would try to reopen the conversation with your DH.❤

A couple of people have mentioned it, and just wanted to agree that some MIL/DIL relationships can be lovely. My MIL has two boys and I think would have liked a daughter as well. She and I are pretty close despite the fact that she is a ‘girly girl’ and I’m not! I really value our relationship (especially as my own Mum isn’t with us anymore) and I think MIL does too 💚

So if you get DILs at some point, you might have close relationships with them which could feel a bit like adult mother/daughter relationships.

Give it time. 2 hard pregnancies, hormones not quite raging but still there. Let things settle, try and work through what you perceive as a loss. If you can’t do it on your own, seek some help.

Agree give it time, I have 2 boys and took 2.5 years after the second one was born to ‘get over’ not having a girl. I never wanted a third so I’m not having one just to try for a girl. I still get mild envy when I’m around people with daughters but it gets easier. I found when my eldest started school there were plenty of others with 2 or 3 boys, so it’s nice to know mums in similar situations.

I don’t have advice, but I understand how you feel.
For as long as I can remember, whenever I imagined having children, it was always a girl that came to mind.
My first baby is a girl. While I would’ve been just as happy with a boy, I felt a quiet sense of relief.

Forget about all the negative comments—this feeling doesn’t mean you don’t love your boys with your whole heart. It just means you had a picture in your mind, and it turned out differently. That’s a real kind of grief, and it’s valid.

It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay if seeing someone with a daughter hurts a little.

I have a few close friends who only have boys, and every single one of them has admitted to feeling the same way at some point. You're not alone in this.

Thank you, you’re totally right, it’s not even that long since I gave birth and I’m still breastfeeding so my hormones probably aren’t helping! I guess I just have a fear that I’ll never be able to let it go and it’ll always bother me and I really don’t want that. But what you’ve said it sensible, to allow some more time and then if it’s still bothering me to get some help with it x

Thanks so much, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in feeling like this. For whenever reason, I always imagined having my own family and it being just like my situation growing up - a girl and a boy x

It’s definitely a positive and nice to think one day I might have a DIL etc, but like you say, it’s not the same as having your own daughter x

This is one of the main reasons why I’ve never spoken to anyone about it (and finding it so helpful to chat on here!), I would never want either of my son’s to think I would have preferred a daughter, and I genuinely wouldn’t! I just wish I could have them both and the opportunity to have had a daughter too, but I know that won’t happen so I just want to figure out how to move on x

I haven't read every message but enough to see some completely unnecessary grief. For what it's worth I had three boys and went through a period of (small) but real grief for the daughter I would never have, I think I would have made a great mum of a girl. BUT I have been (IMHO) a fab mum to my boys and now they are all adults we get on so well and are very close, this has gifted me three Dil that I love nearly as much as my boys, who I love spending time with and talking too and some spa days too. Best of all my eldest has just given me a beautiful granddaughter and my finger is never far from the 'buy' button for something quite unnecessary, and I would have adored her if she was a grandson just as much because bringing up my boys has been a complete joy (well you know, with the rose tinted glasses for the chaos and mess and arguments and teenage drama...).

I hope you have a wonderful couple of decades bringing up your boys and good luck, the future is only 5 mins away or so it feels!

Thank you, this is lovely and it’s so nice to read a message from someone who once felt the same, and has lived through raising boys and found so much joy in it 🥰

I understand your feelings but opposite. I wanted boys, I dont know why but I just couldn't ever imagine being a girl mum. I did end up having 3 boys. I never found out what they were going to be before birth. I think its ok to have a preference- but time is a thief, don't let it take away from what you do have.

I hear you op, I have one boy and I don’t really want to do pregnancy / birth again so I think I’ll be sticking with the one! Not many girls in my family so I’d have loved a daughter. What I will say is that I know lots of young men / Middle Aged men who are very close to their mums and have lovely relationships; even my own brothers are very close to my mum; maybe even more so than I am. My dad aswell - he spoke to his mother every day until she died and they had a very special bond. What I enjoy about my son is that he is so straightforward- he is very affectionate but also quite direct and easy and I do sometimes think girls could be more complicated.. I’ll also say sometimes I think about the future and harsh as it sounds, I’d be worried having a girl to be honest now; I feel like the world is becoming more risky for young women in so many ways, and I think girls’ safety is a difficult one to educate your daughter on and give young women the toolkit to keep themselves safe and thrive. As has always been perhaps… I think of the rise of the far right and the likes of Tate, Trump, Vance and think it’s going to be a hard world for the next few generations. Just my 50ps worth! Xo

Apologies Daisy I didn’t see your disclaimer until after I had posted my comment.

I have a teenage son to whom I’m very close. He doesn’t go off and do “boy things” with his father and they don’t particularly share the same hobbies or interests though they too are very close.

Boys are lovely and in my experience really really love their Mums.

Sending some 🌷

Oh I’ve been like this too - I’ve just started getting rid of the newborn clothes and I’ve felt so sad about it, so maybe it’s not just the not having a daughter thing, it’s probably the not having another baby thing too 😢

So far my 4 year old is very much a mummy’s boy, and he’s so loving and affectionate, so hopefully I will always be really close to them 💙 I also can’t wait to discover my baby’s little personality as he gets older 🥰

I've got two girls and the thing I really learnt from having DD2 was that you don't have 'a boy' or 'a girl', you have a completely unique individual. My DDs are really different to each other. If we'd known that DD2 was a girl, we wouldn't have been any closer to knowing anything about her.

DH and I often spend 1:1 time with our DDs, so we are both close to both DDs. I don't particularly buy the whole thing about girls being close to their DMs, my DM winds me up, so we aren't particularly close. She did once tell me that "no one will ever love you like your own little boy", which wasn't very helpful to me as the mum of girls!

@Sausagescanfly ahh I’m sorry your mum said that to you! Like you say, totally unhelpful. This perspective is really helpful though, thank you xx

*DaisyEM.
I was you 53 years ago!. I have two now grown up sons, I almost died giving birth to my first one.When I got pregnant with the second one I was talked by the consultant into having the tubal tie.I was so terrified of the birth I got my DH to sign the consent form with me.I ended up having to have another emergency caesarean section, this one was done at the last minute before my uterus almost ruptured.My second son and I survived but only just.
As soon as I woke from the GA the nurses told me I had had another baby boy.In the next sentence I was told my tubes had been tied, and adding the fact that I would not have to go through this again.My first reaction was relief that our lives had been saved, but when I got home reality hit me.Never again would I be able to get pregnant which dashed my hopes of having a daughter.It was made worse by certain unthinking people including my MIL telling me what, and then a shame I did not get a girl. My MIL rubbed salt not it even more by reminding me, when she found out about the tubal tie, that I had committed a mortal sin and there was no hope of me going to Heaven. I will decline to comment on this.
My DS2 has given me four granddaughters as well as a grandson.I was able to spoil them rotten, the daughters I never had.They are all grown up now living their own lives, one has given me two great grandsons.
All my good wishes to you and your two sons.They will grow up to make you proud.Like me you are sure to have granddaughters to spoil.
I know exactly how you feel.I had what I call ''girl envy''.