How to get past the fact that I’ll never have a daughter

[DaisyEM]

All my life I have wanted my own family, and I have two beautiful boys (4 and 7 months). With both pregnancies I was realistic and knew it could swing either way, but if I was being completely honest with myself, both times i hoped for a girl. This isn’t a matter of not wanting a boy, I know if I had had a girl first, I would have hoped for a boy second time around. I have thought about having my own daughter since I was about 7 years old, and I’m finding it really hard to let go of the fictional daughter I had created in my mind.

in an ideal world I would have my two boys and a daughter, but my husband doesn’t want any more and in both my pregnancies I had complications, and after the birth of my 2nd son I haemorrhaged, so it doesn’t seem worth the risk to consider a third, even if my husband was open to the idea.

I desperately just want to move on and just enjoy my two boys, and I go through phases where not having a daughter doesn’t bother me, or I can at least ignore it, but then something pops up and I’m dwelling on it again.

My SIL has just found out they are expecting a girl in January, and I’m so worried I’m going to find it really hard watching her bring up a daughter. During the pregnancy I feel like I can easily forget about it, but once she’s here I’m worried it’ll feel like it’s really in my face and unavoidable. I also feel like I can’t disclose how I feel to anyone I know, because I know I’m not supposed to feel like this. I just want to focus on being the best mother I can to my two boys and I know I’m so lucky to have them, I just can’t seem to forget about that little girl I thought I would have and know I never will. If anyone can offer any advice I’d really appreciate it x

Try to think of the positives op, you can be the "cool" auntie to your niece, take her out and do girly things (if that's what she likes) and then hand her back with out having to deal with the preteen drama that seems to start earlier and earlier with girls these days! I have two girls, my sister has two boys and we often joke about trading them as they can all be lovely, but a pain in the ass in equal measure, just in different ways. My sister was a bit disappointed her second was another boy, but that was quickly forgotten about when it came to light he had some serious health issues, and spent the best part of a year in icu. I know she still longs for a daughter, and I make sure she gets to spend as much time as possible with my girls, they adore their auntie, and have a very close bond, and I'm hoping this fills some sort of void for her. And my husband loves hanging out with our nephews, as for him, he probably feels a bit sad he ever won't have his own son. Try to ensure a good close relationship with your wider family and the girls within that, yes it's not the same, but if you aren't having any more children, and you know a daughter isn't in the cards for you, then ensuring a good bond with your soon to be niece could help.
I'm not sure anyone can respond in a way that's going to make you feel better or help you get over how you feel, as your feelings are yours and completely valid. But no one can choose, and no one here can convince your husband to have another baby on the off chance it's a girl. All anyone can really say is that you should be grateful to have two healthy children (which I'm sure you are), but that's not going to make your feelings disappear. I think the only thing that may help you come to terms with this would be some sort of therapy?
Your feelings won't disappear due to anyone's comments on your situation. But if you want validation, then yes, I do empathise, as I would likely feel the same if I hadn't had a daughter. But that's not going to make you feel better.
Maybe one day you'll have an army of granddaughters?!
I'm sorry, I do really feel for you. But I don't know what would make things better for you.
Try to enjoy being a mum to boys and all that brings, it definitely has its positives, especially once you hit the older years, as girls on the whole seem alot more complicated and harder to deal with. I will never have a boy, that does make me feel sad, but equally I adore my girls, and wouldn't change what I have for anything, so I completely understand how you feel.

I feel for you! It sounds like you've got a bit stuck? Everyone deals differently with things like this so no worries if peoples' suggestions don't resonate. It sounds like while logically you know the truth that having a daughter and your imagined daughter would be unlikely to be the same, but you haven't really internalised it. I think maybe you need to do some work to get to that stage - spend some time thinking about what specifically you're grieving about the possibilities you feel a daughter offers compared to a son. As a mum of a son myself there is so much negativity about having sons, people say theyre never as close to their mums as daughters are, they leave and join their partners' family, they'll move away, they won't care for you in old age. It's all bollocks in my opinion. It's good to do this exercise, because your sons might be very different to how you imagine and you might have more little griefs along the way

I have a boy who will be an only for many reasons. I assumed I’d have a girl too but I’m a very proud auntie to my two nieces (who have been born since my DS was born) and I’ve totally embraced it. It’s great being an aunt to girls.

Maybe feel sad for kids that experience neglect? Did she say anywhere she didn't love her boys?

She just wanted a daughter, a third child.

OP, Mumsnet will eat you alive for this.

I do know this, we tried for a long while for our first and at one point I wondered if it would ever happen for us. In some ways gender means very little and I would never shoehorn boys or girls to fit within a certain mould, so from that point of view it shouldn’t really matter, but for whatever reason at the moment it does bother me.

I definitely agree with you that there are positives to having two of the same sex. When I was pregnant my first also said he would like a brother, but then the other day he asked me if I could have another baby, and when I asked him why he said because he would like a sister 💔

That’s lovely ❤️

I’m sorry, I can completely understand this. I can imagine how you must feel.

Wishing you had a girl does not detract from loving and enjoying your two boys.

Maybe a bit of counselling would help - I’d investigate this. A safe space where you can give air to your difficult feelings and let them go.

When your niece arrives perhaps you can foster a very special relationship with her? An aunt-niece relationship can be a very special one, especially as you don’t have a daughter who might be jealous of it.

And, one day, I hope you’ll have really lovely daughters-in-law. Again, I think it can be a really special relationship.

Other than that, make sure you keep and nurture your relationships with your girlfriends. Even though you may be outnumbered by males at home you can retain a lot of female culture in your life with your friends and other female relatives. Plan some nice girl’ events to look forward to and, if they fill everyone’s soul, do more.

I think people completely romanticise the 'mother- daughter' relationship. I am much closer to my sons than I have ever been to my mother.
Lots of my peers have really complicated relationships with their mothers- it's definitely not all spa days and girlish confidences.

Just appreciate what you've got and stop fantasising about what is not.

Thank you for this, honestly a lot of what you’ve said does help xx

Not quite the same as I was never bothers about a daughter but it would have been nice. Now my boys are school age I’m so glad I had boys. Their girl friends at school seem so much harder work! Of course if I had a girl I might feel differently.
I think you need to focus on the joy boys bring. My mum was disappointed by me as a child. I was so boyish, refused to do all the girly stuff, and as an adult we aren’t close.

Also, let go of the gender stereotypes in your head. What "boy stuff" will they be off doing with their dad thst you can't be a part of?
This stereotyping is the root of all your worries

Thank you, I agree with you, it’s awful that boys get this bad rep, I’ve obviously looked on here at gender disappointment threads, and it’s horrible that they are almost always about boys 😢 I didn’t actually feel disappointed either time when we found out the gender, but for whatever reason since DS2 was born the not having a girl thing has been playing on my mind x

Bloody hell OP, the sharks are out tonight 😡

I make no secret in real life that after having my own two boys, I had a third with the hope of having a girl (and was very lucky in that respect!) People will say there's no difference, you might not get the girl you imagined etc. but in reality there are significant differences between the sexes and parenting them (especially as they get older) is a completely different experience.

I understand how you feel and those feelings are perfectly valid. I think some previous suggestions of talking this through with a counsellor may be helpful as they may be able to give you some strategies to work through these feelings. Go easy on yourself OP x

Ha ha. I’ve got one each and they both ask me for a same sex sibling…and also both say they wish they were only children! Kids are capable of saying anything.

You will be fine OP!

I think what you’re describing is a kind of grief, for a future you longed for and now know will not be. Like with any other grieving, there’s no avoiding it, you just have to go through it.

I can understand exactly why you feel this way, and of course it bears no relation to the depth of your love for your sons. It might help to give yourself full permission to experience your feelings, without judging yourself or trying to change anything. You haven’t done anything wrong.

You've likely experienced other losses in your life, and so you know that the shape of grief alters over time, and the sharpness of the pain lessens. That will happen this time too. If not, maybe consider some grief counselling so you can have some support.

Depending on how old you are your husband might change his mind in a few years? I don’t know how old you or your boys are. Also you might get granddaughters one day and like others have said other girl children you can do nice things with. You can be a great aunt/cousin/godmother/friend. The girls might even look up to you for fashion etc more than their own mum who teenagers often think is so uncool. If you get daughters in law you can be a great mother in law the sort all daughter in laws hope for. I know it’s hard and family dynamics make things worse but try not to let what happening with other relatives pregnancies affect how you behave. I had a friend who wasn’t my friend because I got pregnant and she couldn’t. It’s such a shame when that happens.

I get it.

I didnt care what I had but wanted 2 the same sex - why? I dont know.
I had one of each which Is what most people want and I was left a bit meh.
Both are delights and I count myself lucky
But I do sometimes wistfully think of my sliding doors life and let myself do that without my internal monologue telling me im a monster 😅

You may find seeing your DN hard - but you'll get used to it.
I think its also helpful to remember not all girls are girly girls

Just why? Why did you bother commenting?

I understand, I’m the same. I love my boy, he is everything. But I’m sad I won’t get to support my own daughter through her own potential pregnancy and enjoy being the maternal grandma.

Thanks so much for your kindness :) I have read other threads like this where the OP has just got so many of the 'I feel sorry for your children' etc comments, so I tried to explain as best I can that it's not a case of wanting a daughter instead of my boys, but as well as, and that because that will never be a reality for me, one of the main reasons that I want to let go of this and move on is for them, so such a shame when you get such awful insensitive comments. But everyone else has well and truly made up for that and there's lots of good advice :)

This is really helpful, thank you so much for taking the time to reply xx

I think 4months post partum with your last baby is a hard place to be regardless. I “mourned” literally everything I’d not had or missed out on the final time as I knew I was never going to have a chance at it. Stupid example, I’d imagined having a child with bright blue eyes like mine, however when my youngests started to very obviously turn brown at a few months old like my eldest, I was a bit gutted! Now, 2 years later, totally irrational I know and Im
over it.
Two boys is honestly awesome so congrats, just think in 20 years time there’s a good chance you’ll have daughters in law, and possibly even granddaughters. And you’ve got your niece coming soon! Just keep your kids and their cousin/s close growing up and it’ll be like you’re one big family anyway

I totally get this. I have a girl, so can’t empathise, but I do sympathise as I know I’d have felt the same. I also don’t think you’d have been a bad girl mam because you dreamed about it… anyone who has kids has ideas about what it will be like that are trashed (and it doesn’t make them bad parents!) my idea of being a girl mam was very vague and mainly based on my own experience as a girl with a mam… I think it’s pretty normal.

I think you will probably live with it rather than get over it. In time it won’t be so raw as your friends won’t be having babies anymore. I would make sure never to mention it to anyone, you don’t want it to be something that is repeated to your sons, ever, and it’s not worth bringing up unless with a therapist.

Oh that is so sad. I really want to embrace the opportunity of having a niece (without overstepping!), and I really hope I can see that as a positive thing rather than a negative when she does come along. I'm 37 so still time for a third, but my husband has firmly said we will leave it there and I don't think he will change his mind. On the plus side, my husband wanted two boys, it's just me that needs to move on from the idea of having a girl at some point and I'm sure I can do that, perhaps I just need more time xx

Haven’t read the whole thread, but just came on to say that I have 4 DSs. They are a couple of decades older than yours. I would have loved a daughter. Yesterday, DS1 got married & I now have a wonderful Daughter in Law. I look forward to welcoming more DiLs to the family and perhaps even some Granddaughters.