How to get past the fact that I’ll never have a daughter

[DaisyEM]

All my life I have wanted my own family, and I have two beautiful boys (4 and 7 months). With both pregnancies I was realistic and knew it could swing either way, but if I was being completely honest with myself, both times i hoped for a girl. This isn’t a matter of not wanting a boy, I know if I had had a girl first, I would have hoped for a boy second time around. I have thought about having my own daughter since I was about 7 years old, and I’m finding it really hard to let go of the fictional daughter I had created in my mind.

in an ideal world I would have my two boys and a daughter, but my husband doesn’t want any more and in both my pregnancies I had complications, and after the birth of my 2nd son I haemorrhaged, so it doesn’t seem worth the risk to consider a third, even if my husband was open to the idea.

I desperately just want to move on and just enjoy my two boys, and I go through phases where not having a daughter doesn’t bother me, or I can at least ignore it, but then something pops up and I’m dwelling on it again.

My SIL has just found out they are expecting a girl in January, and I’m so worried I’m going to find it really hard watching her bring up a daughter. During the pregnancy I feel like I can easily forget about it, but once she’s here I’m worried it’ll feel like it’s really in my face and unavoidable. I also feel like I can’t disclose how I feel to anyone I know, because I know I’m not supposed to feel like this. I just want to focus on being the best mother I can to my two boys and I know I’m so lucky to have them, I just can’t seem to forget about that little girl I thought I would have and know I never will. If anyone can offer any advice I’d really appreciate it x

I have 2 boys and a girl. They are all so different. I didn’t expect to have a girl i always thought I’d have 3 boys.

I do understand why though, daughters as they get older can become like a friend, which isn’t really the same with boys.

but op you will have a lovely niece - I’m sure your SIL would love you to be involved and you boys will adore their baby cousin. You can be the cool favourite aunty.

You do have my sympathy, and I'm not gonna throw any shade on you.

My first born was a daughter, and two of my female cousins had two daughters each, but the 4th female cousin I've got had all boys, She is the oldest (5 years between us all.) She has been desperate for a girl ever since I can remember. She had/has five boys ... She had one at 21, one at 23, one at 26, and another one at 33. Then the last at 40.

She cried her eyes out when the fourth one was a boy. Even more upsetting for her, because myself and my two other female cousins had all had a girl within the past year and a half before. At the age of 39 - her last chance saloon in her words - she had a fifth pregnancy, and the baby was born 3 days after her 40th birthday... She prayed and hoped that it was a girl. It was another boy. She sobbed for days, and wouldn't even hold him... She spent most of her 20s and 30s. wishing and praying that she could have a girl. She said 'it's so unfair!' As there are three female cousins of hers who all have girls and she doesn't.

My brother and the other male cousin had two boys each. My boy mum cousin had to have therapy for a few years, and even now - 20 years after her last one, she still doesn't know why she was so desperate for a girl. (Even now she has a tinge of sadness now and again at never having a daughter, but it is fleeting and rare now...) I always wanted a girl. I can't explain why ... I just really, really wanted one .. Would I have been disappointed if I'd had just boys? Probably. DH felt the same, he really wanted a daughter too, although like me, he didn't mind if he had a son also...

I don't know why so many people - women especially - are so desperate for a girl, because as many people have said, some women don't have the relationship with the daughter that they think they will have. I'm fortunate to have had a good relationship with mine. However, I didn't have the best relationship with my mother, and she didn't have a good relationship with hers. My mother and her mother before her favoured the boys in the family. The girls/daughters were always second best, and always had faults picked with them, whilst the boys could do no wrong.

What my cousin with the five boys has now is two (so far) lovely daughter in laws who she gets on with quite well, and 4 grandchildren. (2 boys and 2 girls.) She absolutely worships them, and they love her ... She sees them weekly. Her chance to spend time with little girls came. It just took a while ... I'm sure yours will come soon.

Don't beat yourself up. You feel how you feel. ... You clearly love your sons. You just would have liked a daughter in addition, to them, not instead of them.. Don't let the haters get you down. People don't understand the intense longing and desperation for a daughter - which seems to be (as I say) quite common in women in the Western world moreso.

Look after yourself, and look after your little boys, and I know you'll have some little girls in your life in the not too distant future. especially your niece that's coming along soon. Don't be down and don't be blue. You'll be the best and coolest aunt ever. And your boys will love their little girl cousin! 😘

My boy mum cousin's sons know she always wanted a girl, and although she has loved them and cared for them all, they do all feel a little bit like 'would she have been happier if I had been a girl?' Especially the youngest one, who knows she had therapy when he turned out to be another boy! She was very vocal about it a few years ago, and I think it would have been better left unsaid. So if you do anything @DaisyEM try to not let your boys know how you feel.

Aww, I have two boys too. I was convinced they would be girls, because I am a girl! Ha!

Between them I lost a girl, and after them several girls and a boy, and now I am expecting a boy. Of course I hoped for a girl, but I am so excited that this little one has come this far safely.

I am raising my boys not to be overly masculine just for the sake of it - as in, if they want rainbow clothes, or yellow, or a unicorn teddy, that's fine, and I don't push the camouflage/ khaki / Minecraft/ marvel clothes that are all over the supermarkets. I get frugi and kite clothes from vinted instead. They love it. I wish supermarkets wouldn't push that drab stuff for boys, ditto the frilly pink stuff for girls.

I agree with those suggesting some therapy would be a good idea. It might help to explore your feelings and have someone listen in a non-judgemental way.

You are grieving for the loss of a dream. It doesn't mean you don't love your sons.

You will still have lots of hormones sloshing about from your last pregnancy. I suspect that you will find these feelings fade and get more manageable over time.

My FIL told me at my wedding that he had always wanted a daughter. He has 3 sons (my DH is his eldest). He adores our daughters and I think it's been lovely for him to see them start to grow up. I also have a friend who has 3 sons and told me (after a fair amount of wine, I don't know if she remembers) that she had really hoped number 3 would be a girl. She's a doting godmother to my youngest girl and loves to do her hair/dress her up and is looking forward to her being old enough for sleep overs. I think if your SIL has a girl, your best bet is to be a really devoted Aunty and enjoy spending lots of time with her. I'm not saying it'll be the same, but it may help you to express those desires and feelings with a nieve or other close relative.

All the best, OP. Talking about your feelings is the first step towards healing. You've stepped on what is sensitive for some, but you acknowledge that and you know it doesnt mean you don't love your sons. You'll be OK, but it's OK if that takes a while.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway thank you for this ☺️ I definitely won’t let my son’s become aware that I might have liked a girl. When my 4YO the other day asked to have a baby sister I said that mummy and daddy wouldn’t be having any more babies because we loved him and his brother so much and that they both made us so happy etc. Because I know I’d like a girl, even if my husband were on board with having a third and I wasn’t worried about the fact that I’ve had the same pregnancy complication each time and haemorrhaged with DS2, I still don’t think I would consider a third as feel like it wouldn’t be fair if it were a boy, as admittedly I’d only be trying for a third to try for a girl x

Thank you, I really appreciate your message x

I’m so sorry for your losses. Thanks so much for sharing this with me, wishing you all the best in your pregnancy 💙

I feel sorry for yours.

OP, I think when you have a happy childhood and a good relationship with your mother it’s understandable to want to recreate it. I’ve got a sister who I am close to and I felt like I wanted that for my own daughter. A sister because mine has improved my life so much.

I don’t have children but would have been very happy whether I had sons or daughters.

Awww, that's lovely. How nice of you to say this to your DS... 😘

All I will say is that I think everyone has the right to feel how they feel. When I was pregnant second time I wanted another boy but got a girl. Obviously now I would never ever change that. It’s just that your heart and logical mind aren’t always connected.

Im sure you won’t but don’t ever ever mention it to your boys. Dh’s mum has never made a secret that she wished he (her 2nd) was a girl. Then her first were grandchildren were boys too and then finally she got her granddaughters and I think she’d built it up to be something it wasn’t and certainly she’d alienated me with her attitude by then.

I totally get you OP. I always saw myself as being a mother of a daughter. I gave 2 amazing adult sons who I adore with all my heart. BUT I had a miscarriage along the way and am convinced that was a girl. I have the best / fullest life but always wonder what life would be like if I had a daughter as well. My 3 closest friends all have daughters and I have to be honest I find it difficult when they e had proms and now impending weddings, as I would love to be involved in such frivolity. I am holding out for fabulous daughters in law and grand daughters

I was lucky enough to have 3 boys.
my 3rd pregnancy was not planned but we were happy it had happened.
Everyone around me said I hope it’s a girl but I was so worried I wouldn’t be lucky enough to have another healthy baby. I thought maybe I was being greedy wanting a 3rd.
The relief when he was born outweighed any disappointment that he wasn’t a girl.
I have 3 amazing boys 3 beautiful daughters in law. 6 gorgeous grandchildren 2 girls 4 boys and am the luckiest gran in the world. Honestly the feeling will leave you and I hope you are as lucky as me. Xx

You can still go to the cinema, go out for coffee etc with adult sons. We need to get rid of the ‘ mummy’s boy’ phrase if a man is close to their mum. No-one criticises an adult daughter being close to their mum, so why can’t a son be close to their mum.

Model close relationships with relatives so hopefully they will follow that example.

One poster is mourning the fact they won’t be the maternal grandmother. More and more women are deciding not to have children, so that wouldn’t be a given if you have a daughter. A friend of mine had 2 siblings, a sister and a brother. Not one child amongst them. I bet their mum had assumed with 3 children she would have had at least one grandchild, but it wasn’t to be.

I find this thread so strange. All I’ve ever known is women wanting to have a son. I’ve never heard a single parent express preference for a daughter.

I am very much involved in the football/rugby/cricket world though so maybe that is a factor.

Thank you so much to everyone that replied ☺️ most of you have been really kind and helpful and I feel much more positive that this will be something I can move on from now. After initially thinking posting here was a bad idea and I’d never be able to find someone to talk to this about/someone that understands, I’ve now had lots of people to talk to and feel heard, so thank you x

I’m really shocked by that. There seems to be a general consensus (especially on here) that a girls are very much preferred and having a boy is quite disappointing.

Hallelujah to that. No reason at all why boys can't be close buddies with their mother, and the 'mummy's boy' and 'tied to the apron strings' type crap really pisses me off.

My DH was very close to his mother - she died over 2 decades ago sadly - and he used to ring her 2-3 times a week and tell terrible jokes (sometimes rude!) and she would be choking with laughter. She always wanted a daughter, (as well as a son,) and was chuffed to bits when me and DH got together just out of our teens, and said I was the daughter she always wanted.

But she adored my DH, and said even though she always wanted a daughter, she would never swap DH for one. She just would have liked a daughter as well.. We used to take her out for Sunday lunch twice a month, and she adored our children.

@Justsomethoughts23 it can be cultural. In many cultures boys are seen as preferable and have higher standing than a daughter. If you are not part of that culture or don't hold that cultural belief, daughters can be preferred by mums.

Boys mum here too. Really lean into what the boys like. Don't send them off camping with dad, go along and do your best to love it and make it nice for them, for example. Really take an interest in what they like and build a close healthy relationship.

I do understand what you mean though. Girls are either naturally or conditioned by society (or both) to stay closer to their own family.

But in a way, if you feel so strongly, maybe it's better that you don't have a daughter as you may have been quite disappointed in the one you got if she didn't turn out perfectly girly. Girls can really push boundaries too, there is no guarantee you'll be besties.

I’m definitely not part of the type of cultures you’re referring to.

I think the big difference is what sort of life you lead and what interests you have before having DC.

At the rugby club DH play for anyone having a girl is pretty much commiserated with as they know most people there prefer boys who might join in with their existing way of life.

My social scene very much centres around male orientated activities so that explains why everyone wants boys. Some who had girls feel left out when their DD inevitably decides they don’t really want to be part of that world.

Our local rugby is known to have very misogynistic views, so that might sway parents' belief that a boy is better.

Someone once said to me that the relationship you have with your sister is the closest you get to the relationship you would have with a daughter and I find that true. I have a big age gap with my sister and she was basically my experience in looking after a child and as adults we have a good relationship that is very different to the one I have with my brother (which is also good - but it IS different).

It's a really hard thing to articulate but I feel you. I know that it doesn't mean you don't love your boys.

But that’s very unusual and it’s because you’re involved in male oriented social
activities. Obviously boys, or girls who won’t interfere with the dynamics of a male driven environment, are preferred there.

I think I’d be the same. I am from a very female dominant family and love the closeness of the relationships I have with my female relatives - I definitely feel more comfortable in female company. I have friends who have grown up with brothers and feel more comfortable in male company so it’s not something anyone can say is weird or wrong.

You will get the closeness you’re looking in a relationship somewhere along the line. Perhaps a niece, daughter in law or granddaughter as previous posters have suggested so I’d say, enjoy your boys, have fun with them and then whatever happens, you’ll be happy.