Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

She really doesn’t need medical help today.

We are dealing with it and keeping an eye on her but she is okay.

Uhhhgggh welcome to the least fun period of parenting. 12 onwards!! Especially girls. And the added dynamics of a step family too. Get the wine in, you'll need it!

Friendships are so crucial at this age.. and fitting in. Their emotions are all over the place and they fall out over the most stupid things.. when they do it is absolutely catastrophic sometimes...

I will say that my daughter at that age never hurt me but she did occasionally get the rage, and threw stuff etc. Maybe I was just lucky not to be in the path of a flying object or close enough to get hit??? it was almost like if certain things happened that were too much for her (the friendship thing would have been a MASSIVE deal!) combined with the hormones being all over the place, fireworks ensued. It was only once or twice.

I will also say I never involved any medical professionals etc.. especially as there was genuine remorse afterwards (wouldn't even have been on my radar to do that!!)

I always made it very clear it wasn't acceptable but when things were calmer, did try and get to the bottom of why she behaved like that and tried to understand it. Late night chats always helped, once she was totally calm (always chats more late at night).

She is actually lovely teenager now the hormones have settled.

Sounds like your stepdaughter has you in her corner and that's invaluable in her dealing with the difficult times she will go through as a preteen/teen.

Medical help? Er no. She was having an awful day and her emotions got too much. Regrettable yes but not needing a medical intervention!

Good. I meant to look up on possible mh providers. To add - A lot of posters are normalising what happened - there’s nothing normal about it imho. Keep a double thinking focus going.

She is not wrong.

She clearly doesn’t need urgent mental health care - the bar is pretty damn high for that (read incredibly) and she is showing no signs of needing anything urgent.

That said she is showing attachment/rejection issues stemming understandably from whatever happened with her mother and her role in the family with the OP, her father (his travel) and her new siblings and what is for most fairly normal albeit unpleasant friendship drama of years 7-9 has triggered her into a response.

A response that she needs counselling and I think the whole family could do with family therapy to sort out. For her to recognise her triggers and how to handle them because rejection is sadly a normal part of life

she needs to address this sooner rather than later and given timeframes it may be the private route is necessary

Give it a rest, ButterCrackers.

Have you any idea how difficult it is to obtain emergency psychiatric assessment?

And given that the girl has calmed down what would dragging her to a hospital with the aim of accessing an emergency assessment achieve at this point?

"Obviously this is an online discussion site so we don’t know the whole situation but from what I’ve read I can identify that mental health care is needed right away for the entire family."

Are you a mental health professional?

No. Then you are not qualified to "identify" an urgent mental health crisis in a child or anyone else.

And if you were a mental health professional, then it would be contrary to your professional code of practice to attempt to diagnose a child whom you have never met on the basis of your impressions from an anonymous thread on a forum.

You are not in a position to "identify" anything,

Show me where I’ve diagnosed or shared my own personal experience- that’s right you can’t find anything because I have said to get a MH assessment. Show me where I’ve said to get the child a hospital assessment today - again you’re making it up. I suggest you give your head a wobble over this and back off.

"Obviously this is an online discussion site so we don’t know the whole situation but from what I’ve read I can identify that mental health care is needed right away for the entire family."

"I also think think that the child should not be believed about being in town wandering around by herself. In mh disorders the truth isn’t always said or even known but there is control of the people involved. Control is clear here. A mental health crisis needs emergency medical help which hasn’t been actioned. Did the legal guardian, the dad, think that mental health care wasn’t/isn’t required? He’s the one who decides in this situation as the legal guardian. If the op had called the police there would now be an outside agency involved. Is the op actually in a supportive family situation?"

Ah - where’s the diagnosis? There is none. Where is my personal experience? There’s none. I think that you don’t know what diagnosis means. Why are you against mental health assessment?

Read my post, ButterCrackers. I have not said you have made a diagnosis.

What you have said is that is that you "can identify that mental health care is needed right away for the entire family."

"Control is clear here. A mental health crisis needs emergency medical help which hasn’t been actioned."

I stand by what I wrote. You are not in a position to identify the needs (urgent or otherwise) of this child or her family members.

I have expressed no opinion on the concept of mental heath assessment.

I am disengaging, ButterCrackers.

The OP has already responded to you that urgent clinical assessment is not considered appropriate.

OP, I think you've handled this really well. I wish you and your family all the best for the future.

Yes I read your post - why don’t you read mine. You have your opinion and I have mine. These differ and that’s ok.
Your concept of a mental health diagnosis is as follows “Have you any idea how difficult it is to obtain emergency psychiatric assessment?
And given that the girl has calmed down what would dragging her to a hospital with the aim of accessing an emergency assessment achieve at this point?
”
I’ve not bothered to look up your other posts. The very fact that you are trying to accuse me of being wrong to support a mh assessment is a concept on mh assessment. If you find this triggering do reach out to real life support networks.
By your words no one here is allowed to write a reply here.

Slight over reaction of needing urgent mental health care. I think a bit of tlc from op and the father, some one to one time and a bit of therapy. Teenagers are full or hormones and the poor child has been rejected by her peers for whatever reason which is humiliating and really upsetting. Friendship groups really matter at this stage. The rejection from peers may have triggered a trauma response that may relate to the biological mothers absence for whatever reason.

I think that you’ve handled this difficult situation really well @kewpiedoesand I hope your step daughter feels able to open up to you more in the near future. She’s lucky to have you

I disagree with people saying she needs urgent mental health support. She absolutely doesn’t! She’s a young girl who is moving onto a new stage of her life and has experienced a proper falling out with a group of friends who she trusted. We all remember those horrible days and how hurt we felt.

She is also feeling lost in regards to her parentage. She’s seeing her younger siblings call step mum, mummy, but she doesn’t call anyone mum and that’s really hard for her. I think you’ve done a great job the past few days showing your love for her. She has opened up to you, she has let you in and has shared what’s upsetting her. It’s not all going to be dealt with overnight but you’re starting and you’re supporting her which is the right thing to do. She’s surrounded by a loving family, yes she will need to talk to someone about all of this but right now she needs to feel safe at home.

Urgent mental health support for what? This is part of why the system is overwhelmed. She’s a 12 yr old girl who has had one singular outburst, with context. She then had an extended crying/ hysteria period, mainly out of embarrassment both at the situation with her friends and what her reaction was subsequently on coming home. She was given space, support, and whilst not elaborating on the situation that occurred with her friends, was able to clearly and confidently talk about some other issues around the family dynamic and physical changes she is having with her step mum. What is an A+E assessment going to achieve that her step mum hasn’t?! I think you’ve handled it very well, and have a plan around the friend situation to get more understanding of what’s happened, and ensuring meet ups with other friends. In regards to everyone in the house calling you mum/ mummy, I know you’d previously not been open to it, but is this something that if it made her feel more connected in the family you would be open to? Have you explained about the 1-1 time was for her benefit, but if she’d prefer more family time all together, you’re good with that too? Again, from what you’ve written you’ve dealt with a very emotional child, very well, with great communication and strong support and plans going forward.

It sounds like maybe she needs you to be less of a step mum and more of a mum. If the family unit is the 5 of you, she lives with you full time and doesn't see her mum, then it's a bit sad for her that you treat her differently to her siblings. Teenage years are tricky and it would help if both of you feel secure in your parent child relationship while you go through them. Starting the journey towards adoption could help her feel secure and loved.

I don't think she needs any kind of mental health assessment. I think what she wants is a mum. I would bet my house that's what the bullying was about. What are your feelings about adopting her, OP, is that something you would like to do?

Thankyou all for the kind messages and for sharing stories and advice, it’s been really helpful and reassuring.

I don’t know if it’s worth creating another thread for this issue specifically or if someone here can advise but we are still quite concerned about what went on with her friends to trigger this that she isn’t prepared to talk about.

I messaged the mum I knew and asked if she could have a discrete look at the group chat and her DD’s message history have all been deleted too.

Dh has had a further look at her phone and she’s deleted everything and blocked all her friends on everything. Suggestion of reaching out to one of the girls she’s closer to or us doing it for her caused more hysterics and begging not to. The fact she has been since been able share other personal and awkward things but is completely shut down about the friendship issue is worrying us that it must be something much bigger than just some mean comments.

We’ve arranged some extra plans with out of school friends and she has set activities through the holidays so she’s not isolated but worried about her now going back to school with no friends with something potentially serious still clouding over her.

Is there other steps we should take now? Or just wait it out that it will die down or she will talk to us?