Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum/stepmum and your DSD is very very lucky to have you.

Another one here to say well done for showing compassion and trying to get to the root of the issues. I found my eldest really difficult, defiant and at time violent until about 15 and now they are a very kind and considerate person, we get on very well and have worked through most of our issues together. Best of luck with it all.

@kewpiedoes God my heart broke reading your post about her feeling like she doesn't belong.

She is very clearly dealing with a lot and I dont think any if it is about not feeling like she belongs at home with you...I wouldnstrongly suspect that is what her "friends" have told her.

My dsd is nearly 20. I split with her dad about 8 years ago but when she recently failed her 1st year at uni it was me she came to because she has never felt part of the family at her mum's and her dad is bloody useless! But as a young teen she felt similar to your dsd. None of her friends came from separated families and whilst we have never referred to her and her brother as anything other than dd's brother and sister she was worried that dd would grow up not seeing her as a real sister. Despite and 8 and 10 yesr age gap, my dd is insanely close to both my dsd and dss.

When her body was changing dsd found it hard to talk to her mum, she came out of school when she was 12 sobbing because she had gone beyond buds and had full on boob's. They were sore and her chest ached after pe because despite prompting from me/her dad dad's mum had ignored it and not taken her for a bra. I took her. Her mum never batted an eyelid and never even said thanks.

12 is a really hard age for girls, but she needs a mum and you are it. I mean no offence, but you say you make sure she gets 121 time with her dad, does she ever get it with you? Im not saying you have done anything wrong, but I thinknthis little girl is trying to say she wants a mum and she needs you. Maybe as part of the shopping trip, make sure it is just the 2 of you, no time constraints to be back for the little ones, use it to talk to her about how she feels, what she wants as an outcome...does she want to call you mum etc (probably worth chatting to your dh beforehand).

Have you ever considered adopting her? If mum has no contact at all. Is she Alive? If so did she relinquish her PR? If adoption is something you are open to and dh is keen, maybe ask dsd how she feels. Is it something that would want...tell her you love her either way and it wouldn't change the fact she is your daughter in everything but blood. But if she feels like she needs a stronger blood then you choose to be her mum if she chooses to be your daughter?

We have always asked dd to show us anything that happens on her phone that is upsetting. The rule for this was that she would not lose her phone if she brought us something bad someone else did. That is obviously tricky because we want to protect her, but we have always dealt with things with parental controls and lots of conversations.

This may be way more than you need right now, but if her mother is completely out of the picture, you and her father should talk about adoption. She would need to consent at her age, but it would cement your roles in the family.

All of that is a lot for a 12 yo to navigate no wonder she got so overwhelmed.

I would contact the other parents so they can check in on what their kids are doing if her dad is in agreement. Does she have Snapchat or similar? Sometimes apps can have archived or hidden sections so it would be worth doing a thorough check . Wayne Denner has a lot of good info on how to do this on his YouTube and social media platforms so might be worth a look.

If you think counselling or gp would be too intense right now another option would be looking at youth centres that do 1-1 support in your area. It would be more lead by her and more informal and they'll also work to include her in their club and try to build some new friend networks with her to help her with the loss of these 'friendships'.

It sounds really positive that she's been able to open up and get all this out, and good she apologised off her own accord. I read a thing a while back that said the most important thing in parenting is how safe we make our kids feel when they mess up. Because that's what will get them coming to you when they're in trouble, and I think you've done a really great job of this in a really hard situation op.

Ohh give over. It’s not usual behaviour admittedly but the police is OTT.

I think seeing her sisters having you as their mum has made her feel she is a cuckoo in the nest. I would let her know that when dad is home you back off so she has plenty of 1 to 1 time with him. I would talk to DH about adopting her, then you and DH take her for a meal and you could tell her you love her like you birthed her and would love to officially adopt her but only if that’s she wants too.

Puberty is a time a girl would feel awkward going to her dad about periods, bras getting too small or hair removal so it’s good she spoke to you and you went shopping. She’s going to be very self conscious and you are going to have to guide her as she will need to shower every day and use deodorant.

Young girls can be really mean, I think it’s worse since SM, you get bullied in your home when you’re alone now! I wonder if she’s been teased about leg hair or not having a mum?

I have no words of advice but you sound like such a caring and gentle mum to your step daughter. Wishing you the best of luck. I am mum to two teenage girls and it’s hard work but you are doing a wonderful job. Kids will lash out at who ever they think is their safe space. She knows you love her unconditionally x

Sounds like something else is going on for her if this is out of character, maybe transferring her emotions onto you? Give it some time and try and approach her again. Hope things are ok.

Just caught up properly. You sound like a bloody gorgeous person. I think you’ve handled this whole thing compassionately and with calmness which is what she needs. You sound like you're doing an amazing job with her and you should be proud of yourself. I love your high empathy levels. You can really see things from a young child’s perspective rather than expecting her to be a perfectly behaved mini adult. Well done you.

P.S. Maybe tell her if she ever wants to call you mum you’d be honoured.

Harsh but fair

Threads like this remind me why l won’t do the blended family / step mother thing. Kid acts shitty and totally out of order + Dad doesn’t come back to deal with them = suck up their bullshit. The way she behaved really can’t be justified by such a half assed explanation. You can’t just hit someone because you have a crap day or people would do it all the time. Literally l can’t think of anything worse. That’s before even my small children are involved in the mess 🙄

Is it really?

Any situation like this I've dealt with where a parent "slapped the sense" back into them landed police and social services at their door and rightly so as that is child abuse. It also permanently destroyed the relationship.

My mum would have slapped the sense into us if we were out of line and also wouldn't have bothered to explore why. Funnily enough we no longer have a relationship.

Popping back in after your updates to once again echo other's comments that you're handling this excellently! I'm glad things are a little better now and you can begin to figure out together how to handle the issues she's facing. What a fantastic parent to have, genuinely, you sound like a wonderful mother to all three kids.

Well in that case, yup, you are right: we are all so much better.

You can't go round slapping children. If its not justified from the child, why is it justified from the adult? Such confused thinking.

I think you've got this op.

The body hair and clothes issues might be linked to the content of the teasing and nasty comments? Such a hard time for some dc, especially if they are feeling ostracised socially.

She's just sad and confused; it was good of you to recognise you needed to pull her closer not push her away and punish her. You are right that she is just a young girl.

Would it help to suggest you are happy for her to call you mum? She just sounds as though she is feeling very lost and alone.

Well done @kewpiedoes you handled this beautifully and kindly. Poor little girl - she’s had a tough time with mum and the ‘friends’. My eldest girl is the same age and it isn’t easy. The friendship thing is very difficult. A lot of girls seem so superficial and nasty. BFFSs one day and the next day they’d cut you dead. As my mum says being a mum isn’t for the faint hearted.

You sound like such a loving step mum. There’s clearly some history beyond this thread’s remit, but would adoption help her feel like she was more equal to her siblings in being yours and more part of the family?

Well done OP.

Hope the weekend and rest of summer break go well.
have you considered giving her enough regular money from which she can also buy herself some clothes?
and perhaps keeping a closer eye on when she need new pants?
(I say this as a mother of a 13yo Child who had absolutely no fitting pants socks or trousers a couple of weeks ago necessitating an emergency online order! They grow fast!!!)

Who normally purchases her clothing? Why is everything ill fitting and uncomfortable? She's probably embarrassed. Did she have money to spend in town? Why didn't she call you to collect her?

For everyone praising you as a saint, I think there's probably lots more going on here.

I haven't read the whole thread but I've read your replies.

I just want to say I think you've handled this situation very well. I can't understand anyone thinking because you are a step mum you don't have the right to parent, you absolutely do have the right to parent and that's what you are doing. You are the only mum your SD knows.

You mentioned what your SD calls you. Have you spoken to her since this incident about the possibility of her calling you mum? Maybe it would make her feel closer to you. I think it's a good idea you spending more time with her 1-1 when her dad is back so she doesn't feel like she's being passed back to dad when he gets home.

I agree, going shopping for her bits isn't a reward. She's concerned with those parts of her appearance, that's not reward, that's showing you care about how she feels.

You are doing a good job MUM X

How long have you been her stepmother, and what’s the story behind why she doesn’t have any contact with her mum?

OP I just want to say I think you have handled this perfectly. She is young, and going through a tough time. She will learn a lesson from this. It’s natural that she is starting to question her place in the family when her siblings have both parents in the home, and she has one. You and your DH need to reassure her she is just as important. She is lucky to have you.

@rubicustellitall i couldn’t agree more. It didn’t matter what was going on in my life/social life at 12. I knew that hitting my parents was a no no

I think this is a child in need and you have handled the situation brilliantly. It's not easy parenting children and maybe she would benefit from some therapy, it seems she has some abandonment issues but I've no doubt that you and her dad will get her the support she needs so she can thrive. Friendship difficulties can be so overwhelming at that age, particularly if bullying is a part of it.

At some point though I would be making it clear that frustrations nevermind how high cannot spill into physical violence.

This has made me tear up this morning . You are doing a great job.