Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Another person here adding their voice to those saying well done.
It must have awful for your poor DSD yesterday pretending to go in to town and then walking round on her own on top of all the other things she’s been feeling.
The fact she came and apologised without prompting shows is really impressive - that’s an incredibly brave thing to do. She’s told you what the problems are shows that she trusts you. She’s a lucky kid to have you as her step mum.

What an utterly lovely Mum you are OP

Well done, OP!

When DDs were tweens on the cusp of getting their periods each had an outburst that was wildly out of character. Both were ashamed and we talked through the wrongness but also how hormones make you crazy during puberty.

you’re a great mom.

Another one here just to say well done OP, your love and compassion for DSD shines through and it very much sounds like exactly what she needed in that moment 💕 you sound like a wonderful mum to all 3 children!

I think you have handled it really well.

Of course you don’t deserve to be hit and she needs to know if it ever happens again there will be much more serious consequences.

Have you ever asked her if she wants to call you mum?
Or would you consider formally adopting her if she is feeling left out at times (not that I believe you ever do!)

OP, I just wanted to say how fantastically you’ve handled this situation. Those saying she needs punished and a more severe reaction are wrong. I work with teens everyday and behaviour like that is a symptom of an underlying concern. Her hormones are everywhere and as a teen friendships are the most important thing in the world so this is literally the worst thing that could happen to her. Coupled with her other very big worries like body issues and family dynamics - it truly is a lot! Thank you for being caring and kind. I’m sure this is exactly what she needs and is lucky to have you as her mum.

The poor girl - my heart broke when you said she just wandered about all alone. No wonder she lashed out, she must have been so upset, unhappy and confused. Not an excuse but at 12 that’s lot of emotions she is trying to handle, and on top of dad being away. I think op has handled this brilliantly. She needs loads of love and a huge amount of tlc to get her through and to help her open up about what’s been going on. She’s lucky to have such a caring step mum that wants to be there for her.

Hi OP. What a wonderful mum you are- and she will eventually realise it too. I think you handled the situation well. Hope she starts feeling better soon and that she enjoys 1-1 time with you too.
maybe have a day with you and all the children so she knows she is part of the family and will always be so.

Hi @kewpiedoes I have read all your updates and wanted to say how well you are dealing with the situation, but please be careful how you phrase things. You just said your little ones will realise she's not their REAL sister. A remark like that will hurt her to the core. My DSD was a similar age when my oldest was born. I've been in her life since she was 9, and although she saw her mother regularly, she never stayed with her after the age of 12,. She was very hurt when her maternal relatives said baby was only a half sibling. Is it possible that a friend has made a throwaway comment about the family dynamic that's got to her. Are the negative things about her body image highlighted because she feels you're more interested in your 'own' children.
FWIW my DSD is 40 now and I love her dearly but she really played up for a few years in her teens. You are doing the right thing by her just remember how sensitive children are at that age, regardless of the home set up.

OP, I can’t respond from experience but a few observations from things I’ve picked up from your posts.

She’s felt comfortable enough with you to tell you some quite deep and intimate feelings so you must already have been doing a LOT right !

She feels insecure when her Dad is away because you step back to give them time when he gets back, thinking you are looking forward to not have to look after her. She reads that as you waiting for him to come back and take her off your hands so you can spend time with ‘your’ children. You say it’s because you want her and her Dad to have time together. Both reasonable thoughts. Could you tell her how you saw that, acknowledge it looks different from her perspective and suggest everyone might benefit if she and you had one to one time together sometimes as well and let her Dad take the younger two on, on his own, for a while.Sell it as you and her having ‘girly’ time together ?

She doesn’t know what to call you. Her half sibs presumably call you Mum or Mummy and she doesn’t because originally you didn’t feel that was right for you. Could you have a silly ‘brainstorm’ to come up with something unique to her but fits with her sibs ? It will probably sound old, sad, twee, etc, but a friend’s step daughter called her Mumsy which was close enough to Mum, but unique to her, and didn’t sound too out of step to strangers. Tell her you were a bit uncomfortable about her calling you Mum before you were a full on actual biological mum but you are in a different position now. She’s 12 so if you let her into your world a little it will make her feel more grown up and involved. You seem to feel it might now be time for her to call you Mum or Mummy now ?

Hopefully she will see you having asked your sister to look after her sibs as your commitment to making sure she is getting your love and attention on a one to one basis.

The phone and friends I can’t try to advise on but would just suggest you encourage a mixture of peer groups, not just school ‘friends’.

Best wishes. Oh, and ignore all the batshit 'call the Police' posts 🙄

OP I'm so pleased your stepdaughter has you in her life, you sound so kind and decent.

I read that as the DSD saying her siblings would soon realise she wasn't their 'real sister'. I don't think the OP feels that or would ever suggest it. Sometimes wider family can treat children differently if they're not blood relatives and that can be unkind.

Oh for god’s sake, this is a child. She’s almost certainly frightened or traumatised. It’s f-ing awful being that age. My main memory of adolescence is fear. Fear, fear, fear. Fear and shame. I was vile to my parents, but I was lashing out in pain. Maybe she’s been sexually assaulted. More likely her friends are being horrible to her. Young people can be awful to one another, absolutely awful. And when that happens you feel humiliated, ashamed and angry. Then you take that anger out on those nearest to you.

I think you've been a wonderful mum to her in what must have been an incredibly difficult situation for you both. I hope she understands and feels the love and care you have shown her. Great job!

@delphiniumandlupins I agree with you but the point I'm trying to make is that even phrasing it that could be seized on by a vulnerable child, it's better to say nothing or at a push 'has/had a different mother ' not words like half or real.

I am still amazed people advised a little child of 12 to be reported to the police.
The op - amazing person and mother

I don't excuse her hitting you but as an adult, I don't think calling the police or smacking a 12 year old is a practical response.

Something is wrong with this little girl, you are doing the right thing and looking deeper rather than blaming a child without the emotional maturity to express herself.

There may be a prior SA, peer pressure, depression, body issues, eating disorders, bullying or an undiagnosed condition such as Autism or ADHD that has been triggered by hormones, there's an endless list of possibilities.

You are a good person to be asking for advice like this in my opinion and she's incredibly lucky to have you. ❤️

Bloody hell, take the hint and give her some space. She’s obviously feeling awful about something, stop insisting on interaction and let her talk to you in her own time when she’s ready. She should not have hurt you and clearly you could go to the police or you could warn her that if she ever assaults you again you’ll go to the police. Please call DH in the meantime as she’s his child and needs his input.

Well done OP.

I second the cadets recommendation. Have seen it transform some struggling teen girls and their self esteem.

@kewpiedoes you sounds like a fantastic, empathetic and supportive mum /step-mum. Everything you have done seems right, and I understand how worried you must feel about the deeper causes of this unexpected outburst. In my heart of hearts I hope this was something minor that your step daughter has over-reacted to, rather than something awful. But it is good that you are alert to all possibilities, and I sense that whatever has happened your step daughter is fortunate to have you in her life supporting her.

Wanted to add that I think you have handled this brilliantly and have demonstrated great emotional intelligence as a parent.

I take it you just couldn't be arsed to read any of the OPs updates before you decided to come on and make a tit of yourself?

I don't have any advice, OP, but as someone who really struggled with these kinds of issues as a teen can I just say that your compassion and kindness for her is so, so lovely to read. You are amazing and she is very lucky to have you. I wish with all my heart that an adult had shown me this when I was younger and struggling, I think I would have responded well and I hope your DSD does and you are able to get to the bottom of things.

For all those stating that you should punish her and react more severely - have you genuinely thought about how this might make an unhappy teenager feel? I experienced severe consequences/reactions when I acted out. It didn't "fix" me, it made me angrier, resentful, lonely, and untrusting. There's no value in doing this to a kid clearly already having a tough time.

Glad to hear you’ve managed to get something out of her. You have handled this brilliantly. Your step-daughter is very lucky to have you ❤️

You’re also much braver than I am! I wanted to post about my situation last year but having read multiple threads where step-mothers are made out to be interfering scum of the earth home wreckers, and young girls misbehaving being branded as “vile little madams/bitches”, I decided against it 🫣

Would've swiftly slapped sense back into her.

Would have been over in 5seconds and she'd remember herself.

Edit: Respect to you for handling better than I would have though