Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

I THINK YOU ARE AMAZING OP

My son lashes out and hits me, his dad and his sister a lot. He's now 10 and is diagnosed autistic so emotional regulation is hard for him. He also finds it really hard to talk to us.

Firstly, I just wanted to say it feels absolutely crap to have your child attack you. You end up feeling unsafe in your home and scared of your own child.

I also want to be honest and say that I used to smack him back when he was younger, as I'd been smacked as a child. We've since learnt through parenting that that is the worst thing to do as it simply encourages retaliatory behaviour and undermines your message that violence is wrong. And it makes the child feels unable to come to you to talk to you. It's taken a long time, and is still ongoing work, to rebuild a relationship with our son.

What we've been taught is that every child's behaviour has a reason behind it. As parents it's our role to find out what that reason is.

Firstly we have to let him calm down and then give him some extra time.

Then we name his emotion, "I think you felt angry there. Do you think so too?"

Then we reiterate boundaries and get him to think of other better behaviours, "we all feel angry sometimes but it's not ok to hit other people. How else can you express you anger?" This might not be relevant to your daughter.

Then we pause and let him reflect. And then we ask if there's anything he wants to talk about. Can he think of what could have happened to make him feel that way. It helps both him and us identify his triggers of anger for the future.

That was quite long winded but for your daughter I'd say, firstly, that was a horrible experience for you, I'm sorry. It does make you go into fight or flight mode so be kind to yourself and do something that calms you.

Give her time to regulate, let her know you're there but give her space.

Then explain you see her anger, her behaviours aren't ok, but that you want to help her not feel like she has to get to that point. Can she help you see the trigger for her anger. That you and her dad and there for her.

This is an idea completely out of the blue but could she be angry with her mum for not being in her life and is taking it out on you?

As a teenager I finally had the realisation that my dad, who had died when I was aged five, was never coming back. It took a long time but apparently kids process loss of an adult from their lives differently to how adults would. I remember it being a crushing realisation.

My mum had remarried and it's a slightly different situation to yours as my step dad was horrible to me, but I remember feeling additional anger towards him as a teen that he'd "replaced" my dad. Irrational, illogical anger, but it was there.

This is purely an idea and ultimately only your daughter can tell you what is wrong. I hope she opens up to you or her dad soon.

Your instinct was to act with love and goodness in a totally unexpected and very confusing situation….for you both.
It’s plain to see you are a wonderful mum.

When things settle down a bit and the cause for her meltdown is feeling more sorted, it might be a good idea to tell her how proud of her you are and that it would feel extra special to you if she wanted to call you mum as you love her the same as you love her siblings, - you are very grateful every day that she in your life.

Wishing you well OP, you are all blessed to have each other.

You do know that kids have growth spurts and clothes can become uncomfortable fairly quickly right? If she hasn’t previously told anyone her clothes are uncomfortable or denied it if asked then how is anyone to know. You can’t force a 12yo to show you what her underwear looks like on to check. Why she didn’t ask for a lift home earlier has been explained if you have read all the updates.

What the hell kind of person are you?! I'm appalled that you would even suggest this.

I agree and no mental health assessment sought. I also think think that the child should not be believed about being in town wandering around by herself. In mh disorders the truth isn’t always said or even known but there is control of the people involved. Control is clear here. A mental health crisis needs emergency medical help which hasn’t been actioned. Did the legal guardian, the dad, think that mental health care wasn’t/isn’t required? He’s the one who decides in this situation as the legal guardian. If the op had called the police there would now be an outside agency involved. Is the op actually in a supportive family situation? It’s interesting that this crisis happened when the bio dad was away - control of the bio dad and also of the op. Are the younger siblings safe to return? So many red flags - self harm being one. A shopping trip won’t solve the problems. To add in that the adoption idea needs the bio mother to relinquish parenting rights if she’s alive. It will be tough on the dsd who will need medical support on this matter. Calling the op mum is also loaded - again needs medical support. Obviously this is an online discussion site so we don’t know the whole situation but from what I’ve read I can identify that mental health care is needed right away for the entire family. It’s to care for the kids and give the support needed to the father and stepmother. This isn’t a popular opinion and will be trashed but I hope that the op thinks it through and gets the mh medical care needed - even just for herself if the dad shuts down medical support for his dd. Mental health needs the same attention as physical health.

Absolutely DISGUSTED with all of you excusing the 12 ear old's behaviour.

Attacking people is NOT the way to deal with trauma/arguments and is not in any way acceptable. I bet she doesn't do it at school!
Poor OP!

@kewpiedoes is it possible there is too much focus on the young dc and that it wasn’t noticed that dsd needed new clothes / help with hair removal? I understand this is a wake up call and I hope your husband to be at home more to take pressure off you. However I would take time to review the focus with your husband when he’s back.

The OP did provide mental health support. Time and a safe space to regulate. Attention to basic needs - food, drink, water, sleep. Listening and responding to feelings.

Not sure why you’re so determined to further pathologise and escalate this situation.

You're also naive to imagine a one off incident like this would trigger external agency support, given how over stretched every single service is. I receive DASH reports from the police weekly, when there have been incidents of quite extreme DV - involving adults or children - and the majority of them are nfa.

The OP has responded as any MH professional would advise.

I disagree - the child needs professional mental health support. I understand that this isn’t a popular opinion here - it’s not an escalation but would give medical attention to the situation. I’m unfortunately not being naive here. Basically I hope that the op can get her dh to action mh care. Doing this now will help tackle problems in the future. The op did look after her dsd but had to remove her younger kids to do this. The care you describe is basic parenting it does not solve the problem. It’s good that the op did this - the open door is a red flag for self harm risk - an intuitive response to this possibility. When the OP’s younger kids come back how will the op cope? The family needs mh support.

At last, a semsible comment!

It's really not normal to attack a caregiver out of the blue like that. With the onset of puberty can come some serious MH disorders if someone is prone to them. Either that or she took some serious hard drugs for the first time that day and they made her act out. You and your husband are going to really need to get to the bottom of what on earth triggered this.

It sounds like there are 2 different issues going on.

Firstly, the friendship problems. I think your idea to contact the other mother is probably the way to go.

Secondly is DSD’s feelings/worries that without DH there, does she still have a place in your family? Without her bio mum around, she sounds desperate for you to acknowledge that you are indeed her mum and will love her unconditionally with or without DH. What would happen to her if something happened to DH?

Other posters have mentioned you officially adopting her, which, if you were ready for it, could be a great outcome. My worry would be that her bio mum would need to be contacted to agree, which could stir up a whole hornet’s nest. You haven’t said about the circumstances, but presumably DSD is already feeling loss/rejection around not having contact with her mother.

It might be easier to look at getting Parental Responsibility for DSD as the next step. My feeling is that DSD wants to know that you have a real relationship with her separate to your relationship to DH. And it’s obvious form your posts that you do have that, she just needs to be reassured that it’s real for you too. Ask her to call you mum.

We both do, regularly. She’s been the same size from 9-11 and is suddenly growing quickly. We only went a couple of weeks ago when she was adamant the shorts she had still fit and she just wanted skirts.
Underwear was bought recently too but she didn’t want to say or have any opinion on what was chosen. The problem was her bras were uncomfortable and she didn’t like the style of knicker not that they were way too small.

Yes she had money to spend in town, I don’t know why she didn’t just tell me or call me to pick her up. She was embarrassed about whatever went on with her friends so didn’t want to admit or talk about that and was convincing herself that I didn’t care.

But you’re right she should have been able to tell us these things easily. I feel awful that she walked around on her own and got that upset and worked up rather than just talking to me, she could have.

There’s just as much for me (and Dh) to learn from this as there is for her. I don’t think I’m a saint and agree the praise I’m getting is too much and not deserved but I really do love and care about her and will do better.

Dear @kewpiedoes - I really feel for you. My dd changed and became more moody around this age. We’d had a great relationship but there were things she’d blown up at me about around this time. I think this is really common even with the best relationships and communication.

I posted earlier to say this level of anger is often just extreme worry or fear about something that’s happened and the fact she feels able to express it with you and isn’t scared of retaliatory physical violence is a good thing. Just know it’s so often born out of fear.

Staying calm and being her rock whilst she flails around you is the best thing you can do.
(There is a great Mumsnet thread on this and dealing with teenagers and adjusting your parenting style around this time).

It will be fine xxx My DD has just graduated and we get on so well - they come out of it xx

Practical tip, M&S do lovely teen t-shirt bra’s ( I have a 13 year old). Soft and slightly padded for modesty and really look good under a t-shirt with decent coverage and really comfortable. 2 for £12.

Don’t worry about her walking around and not ringing you. It happened. Sometimes you just have to accept and move on.

@kewpiedoes - I just reread all your comments properly and without wishing to sound patronising you are really handling it so thoughtfully - it really will be ok.
This age can be so tricky for friendships. You are right to help her feel secure and loved at home. Hopefully if she feels comfortable in herself going back to school with new bras, and hair issues sorted, poss a nice new haircut - so she feels good in herself - and has had a few nice experiences this summer too, she will go back feeling good in herself xx

Kudos to you OP, dealing with an almost teen stepdaughter is not for the fainthearted. I should know, I was once your S/D.

My mom died when I was 4 and my father remarried when I was 8. My stepmom was a wonderful woman who treated me like her daughter almost from the beginning. They never had children and my oldest brothers were adults and didn't move in with them.

I was a good girl until I turned. Why? I've no idea. I didn't insult or hit her but I was truly awful. I still cringe when I remember telling her she couldn't get a man without children because she was old (my parents married in their 40s).

The only way to explain it many years later (I'm 64 now) is I saw my stepmom as the weakest person to vent my rage on. I knew my father and brothers would come down hard on me, so took my rage on her. I wasn't bullied but like most teens, I had issues with friends, liking some boys and didn't know how to navigate my emotions. Unlike you, my stepmom hid from my father the problems until it became too much for her. Best thing she ever did was to talk to him eventually.

Your stepdaughter is navigating feelings fully charged with hormones. Any parent here knows how difficult it is to communicate with teens without the added "extra" of being a stepmom. You are doing great, and the only thing I would suggest is getting her into counselling. So many parents are getting
professional intervention with their kids these days because they want an outsider to guide them with the stuff they don't want to talk with family or friends.

The child’s reaction to the cumulative effect of her day isn’t particularly unusual - there’s nothing to suggest MH issues or drug use. She’s struggling either parts of her identity and has problems with friends, and became overwhelmed when asked about her day in town with friends, because she wasn’t with her friends.

Yes I’d be keeping an eye on her bit talk of the police and psychiatry is ridiculous not least because no psychologist would accept a referral based on one outburst. @kewpiedoes has dealt really well with the situation, calm, measured and safe.

One violent crisis is enough here given the events reported. If the OP’s dh decides to not get mh care then it can get worse for the dsd, the op and family. A sudden violent reaction is not normal - it’s abnormal. The cause/triggers need identifying and tackling. The cause/triggers are still there imho. External violence to others can turn to or be an addition to internal self violence. The OP’s dh can get it checked out and hopefully be told all ok - no worries but if there’s something it can be sorted out. It’s like a problem with the body - ignore it and it can be nothing but it can also be something. Most of us will have had a suddenly sick kid and thought what shall I do? Same for mh - get it checked.

Dh agreed when I first spoke to him and again since he got home this morning, we don’t feel she needs an urgent mental health assessment. I have experience of child mental health services and know they can at best be really unhelpful and at worse further traumatising and damaging.

I said in a pp that she has had counselling previously which was helpful, we will be looking into getting her this again going forward. I’m also up for family therapy to work on our relationship and then looking to legally confirm it.

But right now she needs to be at home with her family not dragged to a hospital, she’s fine.
We are able to keep her safe, we are talking to her, finding ways to help her communicate and deal with emotions, to build her confidence, dealing with the things that are worrying her.
She also just need me to do some nice, normal things and have a nice normal summer.

If she/we need further support then we will get it. we are in a ‘supportive family situation’ and younger siblings are safe to return tonight.

Ok - that’s good you will get counselling for her and family therapy as well. Get this in place now especially the counselling. I would say to go to your GP to get a psychiatrist/psychologist involved if necessary. It’s nothing shameful it’s all about getting the help needed. They can assess together and diagnose. I don’t think it’s autism but others have mentioned this and because of this it’s worth checking out as it’s a broad spectrum even just to rule it out. Double think what she is telling you - it might not be the fact of the matter. She has said nice things today - just be aware of control. It might not be the case but it could be something. You need to keep eyes in the back of your head. Watch out for self harm - put all medications away safely and just look out. There’s a lot of information out there so do see what feels relevant in your case. Going forward to become her legal guardian will need support as well. Do seek medical help today - I know it’s a Saturday but look up and see where to start. You need your dh to action this. Take care that it doesn’t all fall to you to cope with.