Is 35 too old to have a baby?

[Poodlezzz]

Thinking energy wise, health issues, not having a huge multi generational age gap as they grow, being an old grandparent, and other practicalities….

I had mine at 39 and 42. It worked out for us, although I did have two early stage miscarriages in between. It’s the luck of the draw though. I had a friend the same age who went through hell ttc but had to call it a day in the end, so if you’re ready I wouldn’t put it off. I don’t feel like an “older” mum. I feel like they keep me young.

Biologically, it isn't old. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to fall pregnant. Our bodies decide when is old. That's when we can no longer fall or stay pregnant. Most 35 year olds have a successful pregnancy.

Our bodies will keep reproducing until it can't snu longer, true. But it's not at optimal age to start purposefully trying and planning for a first pregnancy. Eggs are ageing and fertility declining at 30, it accelerates moreso at 35.

All this competitive encouraging of women to start thinking of 35 as the new 25 is disastrous in the long run. As others have said on this thread, one generation doing it may have minimal impact. But if Anita has a baby (only) at 44, and her daughter has a baby (only)at 44 - Anita is 88 (if still alive ) that leaves very little family for a child to grow up with. People will say it doesn't matter, family isn't everything blah blah , but you know, it kind of is everything in many senses.

Also, we may have changed as a society, but biology hasn't and is unlikely to. Biologically, 20s is optimal. That's just a fact. Encouraging other women to start at 35+ and advertising it as normal is not really ok. We'll pay for it in the long term.

There are more factors than just biological towards having children. Financial, emotional and mentally people need to be ready too. Yes 35 is older but we should be encouraging people to have babies when they are ready and with partners who can also provide that stability. We shouldn't be shaming women into having 20s when they might not be ready at all to have babies.

People use this argument that older parents somehow mean that your kids will also have their children older. No one has a crystal ball to predict these things whatever the statistics or likelihood is because individual circumstances are always different.

Women having been having children older with their children having them older for hundreds of years. The problem isn't women having children older and leaving them with little family, it's that traditionally we wouldn't have just lived in these tiny isolated nuclear families. We would have been supported and grown up with our wider community whereas that is gone now.

Honestly, the fact you can’t see how judgemental you are with what you are saying if you read your posts, is beyond a joke.

I clearly hit a nerve as you haven’t stopped mentioning middle class, when did I even say that? You are judging women like me praying she’ll have a baby at 34, so I simply hit back with a goady statement as to hint. Judging and commenting on others is wrong. No, I shouldn’t have clicked on this thread. But do you know how damaging it is to read? Good for you that you found a husband and had children. Like you say, better when you are young-er. You had your last at 28. I’m 6 years older. You are writing women off based upon SEVEN years. Just doesn’t make sense.

I don’t know how old you are. But for me, and it’s only going to get worse for those younger, you have to get a degree now to even get a menial job. I was given a 200k deposit gifted from my parents. And still it wasn’t plain sailing finding somewhere. Whether women want to open their eyes, the internet has meant 99.9% of men are online fucking. Or looking. Life has got a lot harder. Instagram and onlyfans and porn didn’t make every man into a cheater. And for those who bless their hearts think I’m exaggerating. Are lying to themselves.

So squish your judgement into your mallow. Thanks.

@SquishedMallow To be entirely honest - it's really not. Mumsnetters just tell other Mumsnetters this to all make themselves feel better

What bulldust. I had plenty of opportunities to have kids in my 20’s, declined a few proposals as I didn’t WANT to have kids at that point (men were considerably older, had kicked the career goals and now wanted to settle down and have kids as the next step). But I hadn’t kicked my career goals and couldn’t have if I had kids in my 20’s. The other factor was, it would have set me back so much with work that I would have been FUCKED if the man I had kids with then decided to leave or display bad behaviour, I would have felt somewhat trapped and who wants that! The other thing is I wouldn’t have had the professional clout to demand the flexibility needed that I could in my 30’s so it would have disadvantaged the kids.

So, this is not something people say to just make themselves feel better!! If I had my time again, I would do exactly the same. I have a DD and have told them they are insane to consider having kids in 20’s. Way too much to do with study, career goals, travel etc before settling down with kids. The other aspect is that if they wait until 30’s both they and their kids will have a MUCH better life. They will actually be able to house themselves/kids in a place they are happy, not panic over electricity bills or unexpected bills AND not panic and have choices if for some reason the dad turns out to be a dud, much less likely to be trapped in a bad situation. Luckily DD (who is in 20’s) has a good head on her shoulders and agrees and no, it’s not to make herself feel better as she ‘can’t get a boyfriend and have kids’, she has had offers. Great and all but that doesn’t address any practicalities so she is being wise.

You might be right that biologically the early 20s are ideal, but women aren’t just reproductive machines. Your statement gives me Handmaids Tale vibes. Biologically and historically our reproduction also worked quite well when we married children off to older men and the baby making started with 16/17/18, but was this ideal for the women?
A woman’s education and career would be heavily impacted by having a child in the late teens or early twenties. She’d have to rely on a man and be in a vulnerable state.

I have always been the higher earner. DP went part time.

I have never been or felt vulnerable due to having DC at 21.

Well done to you, but most people are not a high earner at 20/21, you might either be the exception if you were, or you had a supportive partner and the relationship worked out which allowed you to continue pursuing your career. If something happens such as the partner leaving during this time, it would leave the woman vulnerable.

Who said anything about being a high earner?

I said I earned the most out of both of us. Not a high earner. I don't want to be a high earner.

Not a high earner. I don't want to be a high earner

God forbid🤣🤣🤣 The horror that would entail!

Well it would mean more responsibility. I am quite happy on my average salary.

I am disabled. I don't need more stress in my life. We get by just fine.

I had my first two at 24 and 27 and felt fine with plenty of energy. Number 3 at 36 and couldn’t believe the difference. It was exhausting.

How was the age gap?

I was 32 and 36 and, among my friend group, school mums, colleagues, pretty much everyone I know, that's about average, with plenty having their first at 40ish.

I was 38. It's fine!

Well, I had my 1st at 33 and will have my 4th and final baby at 38 in September.

I also work full-time (from home).

I honestly don't feel utterly exhausted, I can't relate to that at all. Some nights are exhausting when my youngest is teething, but it's not my overall physical and mental state.

Yes, it would have been better to have the kids 10 years earlier, but my life was very traumatic during childhood and I just wasn't anywhere near ready in my 20s to have kids.

I feel very lucky and blessed with my late motherhood joy. I feel like the universe was in my favour for once.

In terms of conceiving, it happened very quickly for us (with only one very early miscarriage between the 1st and 2nd child) - I appreciate that's not the case for everyone.

I had my children late because I didn’t want children when I was younger. I don’t know if there were physical downsides because I had never experienced having them younger! But the up-sides were many. I was in a tried and tested long term relationship. I had progressed in my career. I had done quite a lot of the things on my “bucket list”. I had a comfortable secure home, a car, and enough money to be able to make the choices I wanted to make about child care and my future life. The only downside I can think of is that I realised after my second that I would have quite liked a third (who knew!) but it didn’t happen. But no big deal.

I, too, chose to wait. I met my husband at 19 and knew then I wanted children with him. It was important to us to have a life together as a couple first, work hard, find a home and pay our mortgage off as much as possible (so life would be easier once children came along, being able to work less), do what we wanted (wedding, holidays). I fell pregnant straight away when we were ready, 11 years into our relationship. No regrets waiting. I will be 35 when I give birth to our second. We never worry about money because we worked so hard pre-children, and can now take our son on so many days out, experiences and holidays. Wouldn't have been so easy in my 20s!

Of course it isn’t. But if someone wants everything to be a certain way and optimal according to various criteria in order to have a child, then the whole process may not be for them.

I had my DCs at 35 and 39. If I could relive my life I would prefer to have had a them a few years earlier. I had no problems with baby / preschool / primary ages at all, but did find menopause and teenagers difficult in terms of energy levels and generally keeping up with them. I do not regret having them, I love them to bits and they are the best part of my life, just saying that by my mid50s I had less energy. TBH I was not in a position to have babies younger and am so glad I had them. The DCs are now late teen and early 20s and all is well again, it was that bit when they were 13-18 and not quite independent that was hard in my mid50s.

This is similar to me. I'm 34. I've just met someone so realistically if all goes well I'd be your age with the same age child too. This makes me sad to read. Theres nothing you can do if you haven't met someone or miscarried. I know the feeling of wanting another one if it doesn't happen for whatever reason. I'm just going to take on the positives as I actually find they do out weigh the negatives.

It honestly never entered my mind that I was too old to have a baby 😂 I’m 36 and have just had my second. Pregnancy was fine, I felt healthy throughout, tired but that’s expected whatever age you are. Birth was much easier 2nd time (36 compared to 32 for first time) x

I had DS at 36 and twin DD's 16 months later. Perfect ages for me.

I had no desire at all to have DC's in my 20's and it was much better financially to wait to establish my career too.

No. Had my first at 33 and my second at 41