Parenting across two countries

[Linzie79]

My 12-year-old daughter and I live in the UK and her dad lives in Spain. Over the last couple of years especially she's said how much she hates England and prefers Spain. I've always been a single mum but I've made a real effort to take her to Spain to see her dad and make sure she spends time with both sides of the family. Over the last couple of months our relationship has become so strained and she says she wants to live with her dad. The thought of not being a presencial parent, there to support her through puberty and the challenges of life breaks my heart, but I worry that she is going to resent me if she stays here. She has more family in Spain and really just me here. I feel like I should let her go for her own mental health because right now she just thinks I'm a terrible parent and she would be happier there. Besides losing her, I worry about her education and once she goes there, there is really no coming back as it would disrupt her studies too much. I feel like I have to let her go so I can still maintain some kind of relationship with her and maybe when she's older she'll come back to me in terms of closeness. I don't think she likes my personality and with me going through perimenopause she probably picks up on my changing moods. Any advice or anyone in a similar situation?

Gosh what a tough predicament. Does she go and stay for extended periods of time or just a week or so here and there? Just wondering if it only ever feels like a holiday.
Is she fluent in Spanish, for school?

She spends a month in summer there, and I take her for a week a couple of times a year. She speaks Spanish but there would likely be a few months of transition until she gets up to speed. It's a no win situation. I considered moving to Spain again but I have a really good job and then I'd be stuck in Spain when she's older and doing her own thing. Her dad never visits so for all these years it's always been me to make things happen

In Spain she is not at school, so 'off timetable', it is no wonder she prefers it.

That said, would it really be massively disrupting educationally (ignoring everything else) to have a year in Spain as a trial pre GCSE years?

She's looking at it through rose tinted glasses. She can't possibly know what it would be like if she only goes during holidays as that's not the reality. I would just reiterate she can move once she's finished her education but until then it's not up for discussion. I would also probably stop making so much effort if her dad isn't interested in maintaining contact. She sees him and his family as exciting because whenever she sees him it's in an artificial bubble of her being on holiday.

I should mention that she's lived there before. Her dad ended things when I was eight months pregnant. At 3 months we moved to Ireland and stayed there till she was 2. We then moved back to Spain. There I was working all jobs and living a life to please others. We then moved to the UK when she was 5 and have been here since. She's bored with me and not having family around. I think she also aligns more with her dad in terms of personality. I thought about a trial year but then that could be disruptive in terms of friendships made, etc. The lawyer said that the courts would listen to what she wants now she is 12. I'm.at the stage of thinking I should let her go. I feel like a failure of a mum in her eyes although I know full well I've done the best I can

This is a massively difficult situation.
I am not sure if this will help or not, and may be outing for me, but I was married for some years to a citizen of a continental country who had a DD there. The DD would visit for 2-3 weeks at a time. I separated from her dad when she was about eleven or twelve. Her mum and stepdad moved to the U.K. when she was about sixteen, and she entered school here; it was initially supposed to be for a year and then she would return to her home country for her exams. It turned out that her mum went back to their home country and the DD stayed here. Not with her dad, but her boyfriend and stepdad, and then went to university here. She barely sees her dad but has made her life here. She has and had a good relationship with her mum as far as I am aware.
Granted, the DD in this situation was older than twelve. However, I think (and I am a parent myself so I get how hard this is in practice) that it could be possible to suggest a trial period, like your DD goes for half the year or something to actually experience life living with her dad and in Spain.

I would then spend that six months working on your own life, mental health and social circle - maybe yours is already fine, but I know as a single parent of many years with no support, mine is not.

I have also found with my own DC that they have grown into their relationship with their dad and being allowed to do this at their own pace has been beneficial. My youngest is approaching exam years and it would not be a good time to do a period abroad, but a younger teen, I think it would be better. You and her dad need solid communication and a plan for exams though, and to really be on the same page in discussing this.

I hope this is in some way helpful and I wish you luck.

What a hard situation for you. If she's only visiting there on holidays it's completely different from school so she might feel differently. Is her dad willing to do all of the care having her full time if it's currently been all on you to arrange visits? I couldn't send my child to live in another country without me, but it's good you are listening to her, if you really do think it's for the best you could maybe also move? To be honest it's a hard age where they do sometimes complain, but it doesn't mean they know what's right.

Cross-post with your last one.
You are absolutely not a failure as a mum. You have done all the hardest years and produced a DD who can express her wishes and discuss these with you. In terms of friendships being disrupted, you can discuss with your Dd how she feels about this.
I understand entirely, it’s hard to do all the work and the other parent be the one who has the shiny magic things of one sort or another that you cannot provide. But this does not make you a failure. It truly doesn’t. It makes being a single parent suck at times, and you are drawing the short straw here, but it doesn’t mean you are a failure.
It does mean, however, and this will seem counter-intuitive because this has not been your focus for many years, that you also have the chance to think a bit more about what you want to do with your life, if you are not constantly parenting.

What does her dad say? Does he have space for her? Time to be a full time parent more than a few fun weeks a year? Can he cut back on work to facilitate her transition, activities, homework, exams? What is the school situation? Is state school a viable option or can he pay for private?

I don’t think in Year 8 that a year out to experience something different is such a bad idea. But I think for your dd and her dad that reality is likely to very different to the fantasy. My ds thinks Spain is the best place in the world and wants to move there too. He talks about it constantly. He’s 7 and has been once for 4 days. 😂

You seem like a wonderful mum, you are trying to do what you think is best for your child above anything else.
I would suggest to her that she can move there when she is 16 after she has completed school. Can you get her out an about doing more activities so that she is engaged and connecting with people?

Thank you talula halulah, that is such helpful and welcome advice. I don't have a social group, or any close friends, and my daughter knows this also. I think this adds pressure to her as well. I completely agree that I need to focus on myself too, I'm carrying a lot of chronic stress from doing everything, physically and emotionally, and I can't help feeling rejected by my daughter's withdrawal from me. But the more I think about perhaps a trial period would be a start. At least my daughter would know I'm taking her feelings, which are completely valid, into consideration.

I'm just wondering what her dad thinks about this. Does he know that she wants to go and live with him? Is he up for that? Having her to stay for a month every summer is very different to having her living there FT. Is he going to step up, after all these years of doing nothing much to facilitate their relationship?

Her dad is a teacher and works less hours than me. She has a grandmother to make her the food she wants. She has dogs to play with and more of a community spirit in Spain. I'm taking her over to Spain at the end of this month for the holidays and her dad and I are going to talk to her. She would have to adhere to his schedule when there, I know that for sure. She could adjust well to it or hate it. I know I need to put her first. My job is to guide her in life and to make sure she is mentally well. If that means not bring in her daily life maybe I have to accept that

Cheesencrackers: her dad would have her, but his life wouldn't change. She'd spend quite a bit of time with his parents around his established schedule.. He'd be strict with studies and routine so the "summer dad" would become a thing of the past. He's not am overly affectionate person but neither is my daughter.

If her dad never visits, is he likely to step up to be a full time parent? What has he said about it? Has he the space and time and inclination? I think living there full time and going to school rather than it being like a holiday for your dd will be very different .

He never visits because he's very money-oriented and the cost involved. He knows I'll bring her over so he doesn't have to. Part of me wants to give her a chance if this is what she feels she wants. It's hard to know what is enotions heightened by the onset of puberty or real sadness not being where she wants to be.

It doesn't sound like a pleasant way to grow up to be honest. If you already know he.wont step up and be a parent and instead he will abdicate parenting to his parents and not be emotionally involved it wouldn't be somewhere I would send my child.

Sorry my post crossed with yours. Is his mother willing to look after her then? How old is she and does he live with your dd’s dad? It’s one thing cooking and looking after a grandchild in the summer holidays but very different to doing it full time. Might be better to do this when she has finished school. I would imagine things might get easier for you as she gets older and it’s only 6 years until she’s 18.

The grandparents live across the road from him so my daughter can easily move between houses. The grandmother isn't in the best of health but would be happy to have her there, as would the grandfather. But I know they would also feel sadness, and perhaps guilt, for her not having her mum around.

He won’t come and visit his DD because it would cost money? Bloody hell…. I’m not trying to be unkind, but is he really going to step up to being a full time parent? Is his mum up for it? I do agree with others that your DD sounds like she’s in “holiday mode”. Why not let her go for the whole summer holiday and see how see feels by the end? The novelty may have worn off by then and she’ll have a clearer picture of what she’s in for.

I need to get on but I want to come back to this later.

I have a Spanish friend who has lived over here for about thirty years since she was in her early 20’s. She spends a lot of time going back to visit her extended family, mainly brothers and nephews. It’s just occurred to me that her brothers never come and visit her here. Her sister has come a couple of times. If the dad is money oriented, surely it will cost him a lot more to have his daughter living over there? Parenting teens is hard especially when they turn on you, remember my dd being difficult at certain times but I think it was because I was her safe space. We came through the other side. Your dd probably just doesn’t appreciate you at the moment as you are her safe constant person.

her dad would have her, but his life wouldn't change.

Oh - so just like it’s been for you, then…..? Oh - apart from
the fact that you’ve obviously brought her up on your own and clearly dedicated and organised your life around her….. I’m strongly suspecting that this is a case of a young teen with “grass is greeneritis”. Obviously, her feelings are important….but at this point, so is her education. And a stable, grounded base to get through the adolescent years. He doesn’t sound like a great bet from what you’ve said about him on here.

My daughter went through a stage of wanting to live with her dad. We didn’t have the distance that you do, he lives 45 minutes away. It broke my heart, but I let her move in with him. It lasted 2 months and she was back home with me.
Sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side and they soon realise it isn’t.
It’s obviously a lot harder for you in this situation due to the distance.

I know that it would be difficult for them. My DD's dad is quite stern (he is good with our DD) and the parents don't stand up to him. My DD will notice this more if living there full time. I really worry about disruption to schooling but as you say, maybe I can see how the summer goes. She hates me right now and says that I've ruined her life and I'm a terrible mum. I'm not sure if this is out of hurt in general and it's all aimed at me. I've understandably been emotional and that irritates her.