Parenting across two countries

[Linzie79]

My 12-year-old daughter and I live in the UK and her dad lives in Spain. Over the last couple of years especially she's said how much she hates England and prefers Spain. I've always been a single mum but I've made a real effort to take her to Spain to see her dad and make sure she spends time with both sides of the family. Over the last couple of months our relationship has become so strained and she says she wants to live with her dad. The thought of not being a presencial parent, there to support her through puberty and the challenges of life breaks my heart, but I worry that she is going to resent me if she stays here. She has more family in Spain and really just me here. I feel like I should let her go for her own mental health because right now she just thinks I'm a terrible parent and she would be happier there. Besides losing her, I worry about her education and once she goes there, there is really no coming back as it would disrupt her studies too much. I feel like I have to let her go so I can still maintain some kind of relationship with her and maybe when she's older she'll come back to me in terms of closeness. I don't think she likes my personality and with me going through perimenopause she probably picks up on my changing moods. Any advice or anyone in a similar situation?

That could be a lot of what's going on, me being her safe space, but it doesn't feel safe at the moment when I hear words from her about my parenting that pierce the heart!

I get where you are coming from and where your daughter is coming from.

Throwing a tangent out there. What about a trial period? So she goes over there for a term preferably winter when all that much doesn't happen in Spain. However instead of a Spanish school you pay for online learning? She isn't losing out on her British education that way. She can also do online improver Spanish. Then if your daughter thinks it's the bees knees then she transitions into a Spanish school. I would wager a bet that once her dad is at work all day, stuck with the grandparents, a winter Spain where a lot of things are closed up, she's missing out on what her UK mates are doing then she might not look at it with such rose tinted glasses. You've then listened to her so respect in her eyes. I'd imagine she will probably want to come home after a term or two.

Honestly, if at all financially possible I'd move with her. I don't think it's ever a good idea for a child to have parents in two different countries (except in cases of abuse etc.). Even living in different areas of the same country is difficult and means sacrifices for the child.

How is she supposed to have a full relationship with both her parents if one is never part of her everyday life?

The more your say about this situation OP the more I think you're being wise to let her try it. If she's so down on you and the UK, then let her experience life in Spain with her father and her grandparents. She may love it, but OTOH, she might miss her friends and her school and realise that it's actually not that great when she's living there all the time.

And, in the meantime, it will give you a bit of space and time to explore your needs as an adult who has had very little time for herself since becoming a parent. Without being a LP you will have time to join things, go out, accept invitations, etc and maybe make some friends of your own. It's a risk, for sure, to let her go, but then so is keeping her with you and letting her go could just be great for both of you, you never know.

Thank you so much. It is getting really strained and I think I am just burnt out by carrying everything on my own and now the rejection from the person Ive prioritised for the last 12 years. We were always so close although she has now said to me that was never the case. Maybe I've expected her to understand at this age the sacrifice I've made, or maybe inadvertently I've put pressure on her. I'm starting to think her attitude towards me is her way of distancing from me because she wants to leave. I have family members saying that we both need to see a psychologist to talk it all through. Maybe I need to show her I'm listening and let her go. She might make her way back to me when she's a young adult and understands things more.

I would let her trial it for a bit

I don’t think a year in a Spanish school would do her any harm. She would be likely be fully bilingual quite quickly, and would still be in education. You could fly over and visit fairly frequently to keep in touch. If he is strict, and also a bit crap, she’d probably be ready to come back to the UK sooner than you think.

I would let her go and trial it for a year

Does he pay child support? Would he expect you to do so if she lived with him full time?

I think if you’re serious about letting her go to Spain you need to go too. I understand you like your job but nonetheless I’d prioritise your relationship with DD. If you don’t have friends here you don’t have that to lose. And you may find caring for her much less stressful if it is shared more equally with her dad and grandmother.

tell her when dad shows more commitment by visiting not the other way round then yes by all means.

I would let her try, because she is going to majorly resent you if you don't. You don't think she will be unsafe with her father.

Could your daughter’s behaviour just be normal teenage angst? My daughter is critical of me now where she wasn’t before.
Have you read … Get out of my life but first take me abs Alex to town?

I disagree, I think it sounds fine, actually more than fine. She would have structure and extended family. Most children need to fit in with their parents work schedules and there's nothing wrong with being strict on schoolwork- again many families are. Perhaps with the struggles you have mentioned that you been facing, this is the kind of change that she needs. I can understand you missing her, but that shouldn't be a reason for her to stay here, especially if she really wants to go. Just because he might parent differently, it doesn't mean its worse or bad. You are not a terrible mum btw, but when parents are not together, this is always a possibility.

I wouldn’t let her. She might say she wants to go, but she might be very upset and angry if you actually say she can.

My point was more that it doesn't actually sound like he would parent her though. Being the fun parent for a few weeks a year is not comparable to being there through all the day to day stuff. Given he doesn't even come and see her he doesn't sound like he would make all that much effort.

Allowing your daughter a trial period, will either strengthen her desire to move to Spain permanently or she'll realise the grass isn't so green on the other side. She'll realise very quickly that Dad is working, she's having to spend a large of proportion of her time with her Grandparents, she'll still needs to go to school, there's still routine and the 'fun Dad' that's she's used to during the holidays has been replaced by 'mundane Dad'!! My guess is that it will last a few months, before you'll daughter will be homesick, miss her friends and decides she wants to come home. Being on holiday, is vastly different to living permanently in another country. At the moment your daughter is looking at Spain, through rose-tinted glasses. Of course, there's a possibility it could all go swimmingly...

It is a very difficult situation which you are handling really well. Putting your daughter first right now, at this age, is the right thing to do. What I don’t agree with is the view that if she hates it she’d have to stay, it can’t be a one way street. Kids face adversity all the time, stuff comes out of the blue which you have no control over, like Covid, or health issues, bereavement, you can’t control all the variables. When she gets a taste of Spain as her home, not a holiday, as you’ve said, she may hate it. She will also miss you. If she wanted to come home, you should facilitate that. Education is not the most important thing and if her mental health was not good, you would very quickly prioritise that, which you are now.

I feel for you, a horrible situation, but, resentment will build and she may never fully forgive you, especially at this age when they really do think they have it all figured out. Good luck!

As others have said, maybe have a trial. She’s got a couple of years before her GCSE’s would start and you say her dad is a teacher so will hopefully keep her on track school wise.

However, I would be very clear with her that

1. you are ONLY considering this because she has instigated this. You are not pushing her away.
2. Your door is always open to have her back. School can be overcome and GCSE’s can always be retaken.
3. If she tries it, doesn’t like it and comes back then that’s it, she’s back with you for good. She can’t flip flop and keep changing her mind.

I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it will be for you though ❤️

I've rtft and I agree that a trial sounds good for a multitude of reasons. My one concern, that I don’t think has been mentioned above, would be keeping the door open in terms of her UK life, specifically school. Is she currently at a state school where she would lose her place? If she went to Spain and wanted to return after a term, what are the chances of getting back into the same school as before?

If she goes to Spain and stays, I'd be doing everything I could to move nearby. I know you raised job concerns but I think your relationship with her is more important.

Most parents struggle with tweens. It is a totally normal stage and I would strongly advise you not to abandon your role as a mother op, and take away the protection and support..She is testing you, and that’s okay. I am sure my dc would have chosen a holiday escape hatch given the chance, but that doesn’t mean it is best for them!

It would be a firm no from me. You will ruin her education, she will be saddled with minimum wage jobs for life.The unemployment statistics especially amongst the young in Spain is horrendous. What feels cool on a summer holiday when you are 12 may not translate in a foreign school in the middle of winter with no mother.

It is your job to highlight that she is on holiday only, and of course it’s fun but not real life. She can move there as an adult if she wants to, but until then she stays and completes her studies.

Work on doing stuff together that brings you closer together. She has to improve her behaviour and attitude towards you - then you will consider adding extra visits to Spain. Go with her and let her show you around. Make at least one of those visits a long one in mid winter. It is damp, cold, boring and miserable. She must see all sides of the life there. And not just the best ones.

It’s your job to make the right decisions for her, and a lack of qualifications and a proper education is non neg. The universities here and job pathway far exceeds anything in Spain but she can’t know that at 12. Look after her op and if she ever resents you be ready why your very reasonable and coherent explainatins without apology.

I would too. But I would hate it.

This was my thought reading this thread too. I have similar conversations with my similarly aged DC too. Eg, I’ve ruined their life, they need to do X now or their life will be ruined. I am also reading ‘Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town’. And it’s been eye opening that some of this behaviour is just very standard growing up and learning to be separate from their parents.

You are definitely not a failure of a mum, you sound a brilliant mum to be putting her feelings first. I agree with others, that she should have a trial run now before GCSEs say for a whole school year, and take it from there. Once 'real life' in Spain kicks in, she may have second thoughts. I'm a single mum too and my daughter changed overnight at that age, quite often says she doesn't like me but whatever, she'll be back to normal once the hormones calm down 😂🤔😒

😂😂 hard relate! My daughter shouted at me I hate you earlier then 2 min later walked in saying ha Mum look at this funny cat video on Tik Tok 😂😒 it's an emotional rollercoaster