In-laws only visit on weekends

[FTM1993]

In-laws (retired) live about an hour away. I'm currently on maternity leave. They always say they want to see DD who is 7 months now and I always tell them they can come up whenever they like in the week, they're always welcome etc. DH works Mon-Fri so like most families weekends are the time we get to the most quality time together as a three or see friends etc. he works from home so sometimes we have lunch altogether. It would therefore work best for us if the in-laws came in the week as it would help me out and they would still get to see DH at lunchtime. Obviously there will be weekends where we see them but generally if they came in the week it would work better for us as a family. DH has also had this conversation with them but they always say , 'no we'll just wait for a Saturday when you are free'. Im beginning to think they don't want to spend time with just me and DD but I'm not sure what it's all about! Any advice and am I being unreasonable for asking them to come in the week rather than weekends?

Of course everyone matters. But they only used to see us once every 6 weeks. Now they want a Saturday every 2 weeks now that we have a daughter so clearly it's about wanting to see her more which is great btw and I know I'm fortunate with that. But I don't want to spend a Saturday every 2 weeks with them when they could just come midweek (which would be more helpful to me) and we still see them one Saturday every 6 weeks.

Once every 6 weeks does seem a bit churlish when they only live an hour away snd they're excited to see their grandchild. I think the idea of dinner midweek is a good one and perhaps every 3-4 weeks for a Saturday. How often do you see your parents - is it roughly the same?

Do they have to do the whole Saturday. How about they come for lunch every 2 weeks or you do something together out if you'd rather. Once a fortnight is quite a nice pattern and you might be pleased of the developing relationship in terms of support later - but you dont have to give up a whole saturday - give them a time frame - so "come for the morning but we have something planned fo rhte afternoon." or "we are all going to be a bit shattered and sorting things out in the morning how abou tyou come for lunch/ after lunch next saturday?"

As your child gets older you can incorporate them into the things you wanted to do anyway - go for a walk together/to the park etc?

Does your mum visit just once every six weeks OP? If so, that sounds reasonable. So long as both sets of grandparents are treated equally I can’t see why your in laws would object. It’s good that they like you all enough to want to spend time with you all together and clearly think they are being considerate not wanting to disturb their son on a working day.

Why don't you take the baby and go and see them midweek? Or meet halfway?

Limit Saturdays to once a month or whatever works for you.

Oh get a grip of yourself. Of course grandparents want to see their grandchild more often, a new baby brings so much excitement and almost a new lease of life for some people. An hour every 2 weeks is more then reasonable.

This reads to me they are only useful if you need them but also they are his parents so it should be up to him not you to control them

I think it was more a general comment than aimed at you .
You do seem reasonable though.
I wouldn’t give up every Saturday . How about a Sunday afternoon ? You and dh cook or alternate to going out and some time at yours after ?

talk to your partner and agree between you what you want and what is best for you both then lay this out to your inlaws.

I agree with you op. It’s too much.
My dd is on maternity leave and there’s no way she would allow me and dh to visit every other Saturday.
They have their own friends that they want to see too.

Tell your in-laws that the next three weekends you’re busy so they need to come over on a weekday.

I work part time and never see in-laws in the week. We see them a couple times a month on a weekend sometimes all of us sometimes just dh and dc. I would not want to entertain them solo

So you say:
'if you want to visit at the weekend it's 1 in 4 (or however often you want to give up a Saturday), as we have other family events / activities we want to do. We would love to see you more, we have suggested week day visits - that would be super useful to us.'

Then the ball is in their court

I don't think seeing them every 2 weeks is that much, especially now you have a child in themix, but appreciate Saturdays feel quite precious when someone is working, it's the premium weekend day. Maybe suggest Sundays instead?

Op i get it.
6 weeks is a long time to not see the baby they change so much in that time. Baby days are short lived.
Then you'll likely be returning to work which also means mid week becomes a PITA.

I think you need to find another option like meeting half way or something.

Most DILS hate the idea of entertaining their in-laws without husband by their side. MILs can't do right for doing wrong

Seeing PIL every month would tip DH and I over the edge.

We value our time together as a family at weekends and would never agree to a regular arrangement that disrupts that.

They've said "when you're free". You're not free every 2 weeks so make it 4 or back to the 6 week intervals and they can break it up with a mid week visit every 3 or so if they want to. 1 full day in 6 is not unreasonable. They are also presumably not the only grandparents that need accommodating.

Comes over like you feel it's a competition for your DH. Do you like them?

It’s completely normal to want to see you as a family. I think my MIL has come over once in 17 years to see us when Dh wasn’t free. And that’s only because I had to go to hospital to have stitches removed after surgery and Dh was in another country, so I needed her to look after dc for my appointment.

But it’s fine to have your own life. If you aren’t free at the weekends, say you aren’t free at the weekend, but we can see you in 5 weeks time when we are.

I agree with you OP. Most people would. They’re just being contrary as people like to be on Mumsnet. Agree what you’re happy with with your husband and then tell them. It’s your lives and it’s non-negotiable.

This is my first post on mumsnet and probably my last hahah. I didn't realize the majority of people would think me so unreasonable, or somehow read into it that I dislike my in-laws. I guess it's hard to explain fully, and I probably haven't done a very good job. Thanks for commenting :)

I wouldn’t give up every Saturday . How about a Sunday afternoon ? You and dh cook or alternate to going out and some time at yours after ?

This is a good idea. And OP, you are not being unreasonable

I can see your point if they only saw him that often before Dd. I wfh and have flexible working hours. Could he finish at 2/3 on a Friday or something and you could all enjoy an evening meal together 🤔