Am I over reacting to something my father in law did with my 17mo?

[123Thoughts]

My father-in-law regularly watches our 17-mo DD. Today he sent a picture of her napping in her cot — which was full of toys, books, and, most worryingly, her sleep sack.
The sleep sack was fully fastened but just lying loose in the cot. She wasn't wearing it. Normally, we keep it folded over the cot rail when not in use, and I always remove it before putting her down because I worry it’s a choking/suffocation risk. It’s not like a blanket — it has neck and arm holes she could get tangled in, which really worries me. To me, it feels like leaving an open bag in the cot.
I wasn’t thrilled about the toys and books — mostly for comfort reasons — but I was furious about the sleep sack. It feels like a big safety risk.
To make things worse, he then told me he was napping too. So not only did he leave her in an unsafe sleep environment, but he wasn’t even actively watching her. He hadn’t asked us to check the cot setup or mentioned he’d be sleeping himself — just sent a “look how cute she is” message.
I texted him suggesting he could go downstairs and ask my husband for the monitor, but to please remove everything except one toy from the cot. I didn’t want to panic him, but I was internally freaking out.
Later, my husband went in and found FIL asleep and the cot still full of stuff, so he cleared it himself.
Am I overreacting for feeling so angry about:
a) him leaving her to nap with what I see as a serious safety risk and then falling asleep himself?
b) not thinking to remove things from the cot once he knew he wouldn’t be supervising?

Sorry I think you’re massively over reacting
the sleep sack was fastened - highly unlikely then she could undo it and manoeuvre herself into a position where she could cause herself harm
whys it an issue that he is napping? He’s probably knackered looking after a toddler when he’s obviously an older person

I wouldn't let someone like him look after my child.

He just didn’t think, I don’t think he was trying to harm your child. You’ve told him now, repeat if you need to.
Where was your DH? It sounds like he was there also? Couldn’t he have gone in and removed the items.
FIL can have a nap, provided your baby is safely napping. You don’t watch your baby sleep all night do you.

@MounjaroMounjaro why on Earth not 😂

Is this your first baby, OP? I think maybe you’ve overestimated how familiar people are with baby safety stuff once a few years have passed.

I wouldn’t be livid, no. No harm has been done and there’s clearly no malice. Are you saying your DH is there? If so i’d just text him to go and move the stuff.

Tbh i’d see it as my responsibility to leave my baby with a safe cot space to nap in when I left her with something. Perhaps do a quick sweep and put stuff away beforehand in future?

If you've previously told him to do this and explained clearly why then you are not being unreasonable to be cross with him.

If you are expecting him to just know this then you are being absolutely ridiculous. The risk from the sleep bag is absolutely tiny. It's not an obvious risk. The 'nothing in the cot' safety message is relatively new, it wouldn't have been in place when he was raising children.

I don’t see this childcare arrangement working out.

I also don’t understand why he was watching her if your husband was downstairs??

Since your child is well over 1 year old at this point, I would no longer be worried about suffocation risks from something like the sleep sack. I also don’t see a big problem with someone taking a nap while the child is also napping.

YANBU to ask him to remove the things causing an issue; YABU to be "furious". Had you previously explained that there should be nothing in the cot while she sleeps? If you're going to be furious with anyone, save it for yourself and your DH for not ensuring the person looking after your child was aware of safe sleep practice, but TBH I think actually a quiet lesson learned is sufficient

Isn't 17 months a bit old to be worrying about that?

If the baby was only a few months old I'd think you had a point, though the onus would be on you to explain current best safety practices to him, but your baby is not far off being in a toddler bed.

There's nothing wrong with being a bit precious about your baby, I was.

But, for that reason, I didn't leave my children at that age with anyone. If you're enjoying the child free time you have have to accept he will do things differently to you. Otherwise accept that the next few years will be without the help and just visit as a family.

She’s 17 months old. She can move herself all over the place ie away from uncomfortable or constricting things. You’re being OTT.

Just checked, it is 18 months for a toddler bed. And if you think your baby won't be filling their bed with crap while they "nap" you've got some surprises in store!

Do you stand over the cot and watch your child while she takes a nap? If not, then why does your FIL need to?

When mine were that age I more worried about them waking up. climbing out of the cot and getting into all sorts of was mischief, I had a couple of scares like that.

When my daughter was a toddler she used to climb out of her cot, throw a bunch of crap in there (toys, teddies, books, clothes etc), climb back in, and play with it all until she crashed out on top of it in weird and awkward sleeping positions.

I think you're really overreacting. It's not like she's a helpless 3 month old infant.

Thanks for your comments so far - really useful.

She wasn't in the sleep sack, but it obviously still has a head an arm holes where she could get tangled.

DH was working from home which is why FIL is looking after the baby

We have told him about making sure the cot is empty before putting her in
Typically she normally doesn't nap in the cot during the day time with him. He has her fall asleep on him - we've said lots of times he can put her down in the cot, just make sure it's clear of things.

He has an older grand daughter who is 18 months older than DD (our lovely niece :) ) and he's looked after her regularly since she was small as well - so he's pretty familiar with how things have changed since his boys.

The cot was clear when we left it - I should have said it's normally over the side of the cot but when grandad is looking after her I clear it away to the side - I also change where the nappy changing station is because he finds the way we have it set up trickier for him (side on, for our neice it's front on and that's how he prefers it)

The toys were not in there either - he sometimes puts her in the cot with toys so he can go to the toilet - which is fine.

This! She is not a tiny baby. You are overestimating the danger massively.

Definitely being a little over the top, especially to be “furious”. You’re obviously trusting of your FIL to leave your daughter in his care in the first place.

I agree fully with the safe sleep place, nothing should be in the cot and this would bother me too but your little one isn’t a tiny newborn who could suffocate in a sleep sack, that’s a little dramatic.

also to him being asleep- I don’t see the issue here, do you sit in the same room as your child watching them nap? What do you do during the night- assume you’re asleep when child is too? I’m sure if your child woke up or was distressed he would’ve heard? maybe have a word with him, but a gentle word, a lot of parenting ways and safety things have changed since he was a father to small children, I’m sure he’s not done any of this on purpose to make you furious. And if you’re still furious then maybe pay for professional childcare with someone trained and educated in child care.

Massive overreaction.

but he wasn’t even actively watching her.

Sorry, what? Do you sit and watch your baby while she sleeps?

I'm a bit confused how a 17 mo could suffocate herself on a grobag. If he'd left her with a carrier bag you'd have a point, but a grobag?? I'm going to have some catching up to do with the grandkids clearly.

Thanks for the thoughtful response.

I have no issue with him napping - it's napping whilst she's in an unsafe environment, and then when I said if you're not watching her, can you remove the risk things please, he just went back to sleep - that feels a bit worrying.

He's generally really good with her, and she adores him. But he does have a tendency to treat her exactly the same as her older cousin and I think there's a feeling that if his other son and d-i-l have made a call on a parenting thing, he shouldn't have do do anything different with our daughter. So I guess there's some background issues going on as well!

I think we need to have a conversation with him around if he's able to do the looking after. It's so kind of him to help out with it, but if it's too much for him, he needs to let us know so we can figure something else out.

Good to get perspective though - thank you :)

I assume she hasn't figured out how to climb out yet. The first time mine did it, I found her standing at the top of the stairs laughing her head off, she was so proud of herself, and I nearly had a heart attack. After that she just got out whenever she wanted to, but at least I was prepared for it! At the time I had no idea she could get out, she was too young (I thought), and very small for her age, but also very determined.

My DS once pulled a large piece of wallpaper off his bedroom wall and I found him fast asleep, surrounded by wallpaper shreds and clutching the biggest piece in his hand! He had a little smile on his face - like it was a job well done!
He also survived the era of the big padded “cot bumpers”
Maybe you’re a tiny bit over protective, OP? He must be quite mobile at 17 months, mine was a menace at that age and on his way to a “big boys bed” when a whole new sets of risks turned up…🌸

Oh, yes!!! We had the triumphant yell of ‘Mummy’ as he got out of the cot and on to the stairs😱 the fun never ends…

This.

It's nothing at all like leaving a carrier bag in the cot. I don't see that there's any risk with a grobag, at 17 months a thin duvet is fine and this is no different. It's not realistic that she'd get stuck in the head or arm hole and suffocate.