Am I over reacting to something my father in law did with my 17mo?

[123Thoughts]

My father-in-law regularly watches our 17-mo DD. Today he sent a picture of her napping in her cot — which was full of toys, books, and, most worryingly, her sleep sack.
The sleep sack was fully fastened but just lying loose in the cot. She wasn't wearing it. Normally, we keep it folded over the cot rail when not in use, and I always remove it before putting her down because I worry it’s a choking/suffocation risk. It’s not like a blanket — it has neck and arm holes she could get tangled in, which really worries me. To me, it feels like leaving an open bag in the cot.
I wasn’t thrilled about the toys and books — mostly for comfort reasons — but I was furious about the sleep sack. It feels like a big safety risk.
To make things worse, he then told me he was napping too. So not only did he leave her in an unsafe sleep environment, but he wasn’t even actively watching her. He hadn’t asked us to check the cot setup or mentioned he’d be sleeping himself — just sent a “look how cute she is” message.
I texted him suggesting he could go downstairs and ask my husband for the monitor, but to please remove everything except one toy from the cot. I didn’t want to panic him, but I was internally freaking out.
Later, my husband went in and found FIL asleep and the cot still full of stuff, so he cleared it himself.
Am I overreacting for feeling so angry about:
a) him leaving her to nap with what I see as a serious safety risk and then falling asleep himself?
b) not thinking to remove things from the cot once he knew he wouldn’t be supervising?

I caught mine trying to climb out while in a sleep sack which I think far more dangerous than it lying unzipped in cot. Second child I switched to blankets as soon as she was mobile.

Your child is 17 months old. Not 17 days old. Massive over reaction.

No I don't watch her whilst she sleeps - it was putting her to sleep in a cot with a safety risk, and not watching her.

And then when flagging that it wasn't safe, not doing anything about it and just falling back asleep.

Obviously I don't expect him to watch her actively whilst she naps - but I do if he's put her in an unsafe situation and has no plans to make it safe.

Seems like the general feeling is that being asleep in a cot with an unworn sleep sack isn't that unsafe, so totally fine for him to fall asleep (even though we've asked him not to put her in a cot full of stuff for naps).

But maybe worth a conversation on why once we'd asked him to clear the cot he chose to just go back to sleep?

Luckily DH was wfh today and not in the office so he could go and make it clear and let his dad nap, but that's not always the situation.

It wasn't unzipped - if it was I'd be eye-rolly about the fact we'd asked fil not to put her in a cot with stuff in, but whatever. It's that it was zipped up and was basically like having a bag in the cot with her.

The thought of her climbing out is terrifying!

At 17 months? Not a problem.

Safety wise, keeping a 3 year old safe is harder than an 18 month old in my experience. So he doesn't need to "parent" the cousins any differenly. I really wouldn't push him as you're likely to regret losing your free perfectly lovely child care. You're the one who doesn't seem to understand the developmental stage of 18 months old, as many people have said, the biggest risk is your child falling out of the cot because climbing out will be happening any minute now. And then you'll have your child in a bed where they will be able to put all their toys and teddies.

You are overreacting. He is unlikely to suffocate because he can move around, lift his head etc. Heck, by that age my kidd spent more time rolling around and attempting to escape their bed than actually napping.

I always left toys and books in there, so they could entertain themselves whilst I napped (moreso when I was pregnant).

You're being a bit silly.

That said, FIL should respect your wishes but frankly if you don't like his childcare, pay for your own.

It's not all like having a bag on the cot with her! Other than the name, they have nothing in common.

Am I over reacting to something my father in law did with my 17mo?

Yes.

Yes you are.

He's great with her, and she adores him. She goes to nursery 3 days a week, and we were going to do 4 but fil was very very insistent on wanting to look after her one day a week, to help out.

It's proving a bit stressful of late, so I'm thinking of revisiting more days at nursery - I was nervous of complicated family dynamics coming into play, and I think whilst DD is having a great time that's what's important, there are a few safety things/approaches where it feels a bit tricky - and I don't want any of that to sour a relationship.

Did you leave the stuff in, or did FIL add it all? If you left the cot like that, it's on you and DH.

Mine had made her brother's chest of drawers into steps and and was proudly stood at the top of them lol.

At 17m my daughter was taking several toys and books to bed with her- hard toys and books I would remove once she was asleep but she slept with several soft toys. Once she was past 1 I didn’t worry about the clear cot advice.
As it was a 1 off I would just reiterate you would prefer she slept with her cot clear and hope he remembers next time

A zipped up sleep sack is not like a bag. She wouldn’t suffocate even if she got her head through the hole and into it - there would still be airflow as (presumably) it’s made of cotton not plastic. It’s highly unlikely that she would put her head through anyway.

Sorry I'm very safety conscious but if it was sleep sack, books and toys suitable for under three's although not conducive to sleep she was asleep and in no danger whatsoever even if she awoke and played. The sleep sack has poppers which undo under strain and has been made with toddler safety in mind, a lot of 17 month olds remove them in the night themselves.

I wouldn’t be worrying about suffocating at 18 months and if the child is in their cot it would be fine to take a nap also. But I would however worry about my little one if my Dad or FIL looked after my baby as they don’t have a clue about child care.

I think I probably am over protective! She's only just started walking recently, so not super mobile yet. (She looked like she was going to start walking 8 months ago but just hasn't wanted to/had the inclination to until v. recently) So i suspect I have all of this to come!

Oh god OP, please don’t turn this into an issue with your FIL. You are massively overreacting here and need to think about why you’ve had these feelings (being ‘furious’ about some toys and a sleeping bag in the cot is a deranged response and hugely disproportionate). You have a toddler now, not a baby, and they really don’t need to be treated so delicately. I suggest you work on your anxiety first, while thanking your FIL for what I assume is free childcare!

Crikey OP - wait till she's discovered climbing equipment at the playground. I would try and calm down quite a lot.

We didn't leave it like that - I clear it out as part of prepping everything for him to look after her.

The clear cot guidance is for under 12 month olds.

Huge over reaction. He was with her taking the photo. Not unattended

😂

absolutely mental.

OP if you’re that bothered then just ask him if he can keep her cot clear of toys and things while she’s napping. Telling him he can’t have a sleep when she’s sleeping is fucking ridiculous though.

also why do you think draping a sleeping bag over the side of the cot is any better than it being in the cot? Your child is a full toddler ffs, she can just grab it off the side if she wanted too

Mine at 18m for naps: in a single bed with duvet and at least 10 cuddlies, an old empty bottle of shampoo and a wooden spoon, and an unexpected Duplo Peppa Pig. 😂

OP you are overreacting. If little one was a baby I wouldn't be happy with a cot so full but as a (presumably) mobile toddler, I don't see the problem.