Am I over reacting to something my father in law did with my 17mo?

[123Thoughts]

My father-in-law regularly watches our 17-mo DD. Today he sent a picture of her napping in her cot — which was full of toys, books, and, most worryingly, her sleep sack.
The sleep sack was fully fastened but just lying loose in the cot. She wasn't wearing it. Normally, we keep it folded over the cot rail when not in use, and I always remove it before putting her down because I worry it’s a choking/suffocation risk. It’s not like a blanket — it has neck and arm holes she could get tangled in, which really worries me. To me, it feels like leaving an open bag in the cot.
I wasn’t thrilled about the toys and books — mostly for comfort reasons — but I was furious about the sleep sack. It feels like a big safety risk.
To make things worse, he then told me he was napping too. So not only did he leave her in an unsafe sleep environment, but he wasn’t even actively watching her. He hadn’t asked us to check the cot setup or mentioned he’d be sleeping himself — just sent a “look how cute she is” message.
I texted him suggesting he could go downstairs and ask my husband for the monitor, but to please remove everything except one toy from the cot. I didn’t want to panic him, but I was internally freaking out.
Later, my husband went in and found FIL asleep and the cot still full of stuff, so he cleared it himself.
Am I overreacting for feeling so angry about:
a) him leaving her to nap with what I see as a serious safety risk and then falling asleep himself?
b) not thinking to remove things from the cot once he knew he wouldn’t be supervising?

Ah nothing so traditional as a bottle of shampoo 😂 I knew a child who used to drag around their mother's matted hair extension as a comforter 😂

I don't see the issue. At 17 months I assume she is mobile and probably into everything herself now anyway.
Also i can't see how the sleeping bag could suffocate her or see what's wrong with him naooing when she is napping.
I think being furious is an Uber reaction as presumably he is doing you a favour looking after her.
But if you are not happy about the things in the cot when she sleeps just remind him that you would prefer it if everything was removed.

She's 17 months, not 17 weeks. I think you're being massively over the top. You'd be doing her such a disservice to send her to nursery for an extra day when you could have her spending that day with one on one care from someone who loves her. Suffocating in a sleeping bag is just not a significant risk for a toddler.

Also do you even know he saw your message before falling asleep? If he left his phone unlocked it could go green ticks without him actually having looked at it, so he could easily have missed your frankly ridiculous instructions.

I don’t think I would be particularly bothered at 17mo either. At this point DD2 had a list of toys she wanted to take to bed with her as well as a pillow and a blanket she liked. I don’t really understand how she could suffocate with a gro bag but then my DD2 could take them off by this point anyway so she would just take it off at some point in the night and it would be strewn in the cot or chucked out.

She also learned to climb out very early too, she would do a front flip over the rim to get out, it was quite impressive! We moved to a floor bed!

Clear cot guidance is for under 12 months so there’s nothing to worry about. At 17 months mine was in a toddler bed with a pillow and duvet and would typically drag half their room into bed with them after we’ve said good night. It’s not risky for that age like it is for a young baby as they can move themselves around and won’t suffocate because they’re near a book or cuddly toy. The worst thing that’ll happen is nap time ends early because they’ve rolled over onto something uncomfortable and woken up! Sleep sacks are also designed so that the neck hole is smaller than baby’s head so they won’t slide down into it. Since your toddler is old enough to sleep with loose covers then that isn’t a risk either- you can basically consider it a blanket, which is probably what FIL thought it was since they wouldn’t have been around when he had small kids. And it’s fine that he went off for a nap so long as he was within earshot, baby isn’t under 6 months so can sleep alone. None of it is a big deal. You have a toddler now not a baby!

I miss the laugh react so much! 🤣

Oh for goodness sake!

Yeah, I think I probably am having an over the top response - really helpful to get some perspective. She has been in and out of hospital for a bunch of breathing difficulties/constant infections etc. over the last 6 months so I suspect i'm just coming out of the woods of that.

The sleeping bit was that he responded the msg I sent which read 'if you want to, do go downstairs, just ask DH to grab the monitor for you. If you do, can you just make sure her cot is empty of everything but one toy, specifically remove the sleep sack for safety.'

Then he said 'I'm having a sleep too' and then DH went in to remove the bits and saw he'd just fallen straight to sleep.

It's more that I'd flagged please remove this potentially unsafe thing, he replied and then immediately fell asleep without doing the safety thing?

I absolutely want her to have a day with her grandad if at all possible, but it feels like it's maybe quite a lot for grandad and I don't want things to be hard/difficult/unsafe or raise questions that put a larger strain on the relationship.

@123Thoughts

From the Lullaby trust website. They are very clear that the safe sleep/clear cot guidance doesn't apply to your child for the last five months:

Nine out of ten (91%) SIDS deaths happen when babies are six months old or less. The most vulnerable time is while they’re under three months, but it’s important to follow safer sleep advice until they are 12 months old.

Follow our safer sleep advice for the first twelve months. It’s evidence-based and includes practical, simple steps such as sleeping your baby on their back, on a firm, flat surface in their own separate sleep space, clear from extra items such as toys and pillows.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/baby-safety/what-is-sudden-infant-death-syndrome-sids/

Your FIL has done nothing wrong, and possibly deserves an apology if he picked up on your anger about this!

Mine did this during his after lunch naps… the neighbour said, oh your toddlers growing up fast, he waves to me everyday… when I asked where she’d seen him, she said he waved to me from his window😱
Thatll be the bedroom window with the chest of drawers in front to stop him getting to the lower part of the window… yes - he’d made stairs out of the drawers!!

You can breathe through cotton, at one year old, she would be fussing and kicking off if she got it over her head. Not like a much younger baby.

Plus if you leave it folded over the rail, that's just the same as its very easily pulled down by her if she decided to try and stand in her cot.

I think you're overreacting, most toddlers fill their beds with crap.

I’m sorry you were frightened but I don’t think she was in danger. You’re probably going to have to take the sides off the cot very soon anyway if it’s one that converts to a toddler bed. I walked in one morning at around this age to find my baby in a grow bag precariously balanced on top of the cot side like a leopard in a tree, and got there to catch him just as he fell off. They’re pretty tough at this age and start getting all kinds of bumps and bruises as they fling themselves about.

I think this is part of having grandparents babysit. They are of a different generation where sleep safety and car seats etc were of a complete different set of rules if any. I think you are overreacting slightly she is a toddler now not a baby. But I would probably be shocked too but he isn’t you and did it his way I expect. When she is in a bed as others have said there will probably be many extra items in there with her. I often found my 2 year old cuddled up with not so comfortable cars.

But it wasn't a safety thing. It's like if he was feeding her mince, mash and peas, and you'd told him to remove the peas because you felt they were a choking hazard. This is incorrect, so he's not ignored safety advice.

It sounds like, with looking after your DC's cousin, he might be more au fait with toddler safety than you are, as you seem to still be thinking about guidance for under 1s.

I think I hadn't really thought about the breathing through cotton thing!

I leave it over teh side of her cot because she naps on me if I'm at home - but I move it from the side of her cot as part of preparation for Grandad coming!

she's 17 months OP, she'll be fine.

Mine was in a toddler bed at 11 months because I found that she had shimmied over the bars of her cot, and into her sister's cot .... she was fast asleep with her twin. So once she was in a bed all sorts of stuff used to end up in there with her.

For God sake, parent your own child if you want to be so picky istead of trying to blame FIL.

She is a mobile toddler not an infant. From the age of 12 months, toddlers are allowed pillows so the cot does not need to be completely empty.

You might find with this attitude you will not receive offers for babysitting off PIL in the future, I can’t say I would blame them.

At 17 months surely she could remove her own tshirt and strangle herself with it??

I don't really see how a sleeping bag is a risk.

Lots of toddlers are in beds with pillows and duvets. Filling their beds up with toys and books is standard behaviour.

I can really understand that you've been through the wringer and that makes you nervous, but please feel confident in what everyone is saying. She's safe and loved! He may well be exhausted though as looking after toddlers twice a week is a lot. Maybe worth another chat that he's really happy doing it if it's causing him to need a mid day nap.

I don't understand what you mean by 'blame FIL?'

I honestly don't think it is any safer to have the sleep sack hanging over the side - she could have a wakeful moment during her nap and pull it down over her.

I do not think you should be "furious". But if you are worried about it then talk with him about it rather than venting your fury!

I regularly look after GC and always do as the parents ask, even when I disagree - sometimes because I think it is OTT cautious, and others when I think it is frankly dangerous!

Just have a chat about it.

He probably didn't react to your message as he knew it wasn't necessary to. He could see it was your anxiety not a real safety issue. A sleep sack is nothing like a plastic bag! One is designed and tested for use by toddlers and one has "keep away from children" printed on it!

The problem with a plastic bag is that it’s a suffocation risk because you can’t breathe through plastic. Presumably her sleeping bag is not made from plastic, it’ll be made from cotton or another breathable material. Even if she gets tangled up in it, which is unlikely at 17 months old, she’ll still be able to breathe through the material. Do you worry about the clothes she is wearing when she sleeps? I’d say the risk that she’ll manage to wriggle a top over her head and get it stuck over her face is at least as risky, if not more risky, than having a zipped sleeping bag in the cot next to her. Her nappy will be plastic lined, what if she wriggled that off and got her face stuck in it? Do you strip her naked before every sleep?

Yes, sorry OP you are being massively over the top! I speak as someone who is a huge advocate for sleep safety including nothing in cots, but… she’s 17 months! My DD had half her Toybox in with her when she was that age 😂

I hope so, at 17 months dd had a duvet, pillow & a couple of teddies in the cot 🤣 all well within the safe sleep guidelines for her ago. OP you need to pick your battles if you want to continue accepting free childcare.