Am I over reacting to something my father in law did with my 17mo?

[123Thoughts]

My father-in-law regularly watches our 17-mo DD. Today he sent a picture of her napping in her cot — which was full of toys, books, and, most worryingly, her sleep sack.
The sleep sack was fully fastened but just lying loose in the cot. She wasn't wearing it. Normally, we keep it folded over the cot rail when not in use, and I always remove it before putting her down because I worry it’s a choking/suffocation risk. It’s not like a blanket — it has neck and arm holes she could get tangled in, which really worries me. To me, it feels like leaving an open bag in the cot.
I wasn’t thrilled about the toys and books — mostly for comfort reasons — but I was furious about the sleep sack. It feels like a big safety risk.
To make things worse, he then told me he was napping too. So not only did he leave her in an unsafe sleep environment, but he wasn’t even actively watching her. He hadn’t asked us to check the cot setup or mentioned he’d be sleeping himself — just sent a “look how cute she is” message.
I texted him suggesting he could go downstairs and ask my husband for the monitor, but to please remove everything except one toy from the cot. I didn’t want to panic him, but I was internally freaking out.
Later, my husband went in and found FIL asleep and the cot still full of stuff, so he cleared it himself.
Am I overreacting for feeling so angry about:
a) him leaving her to nap with what I see as a serious safety risk and then falling asleep himself?
b) not thinking to remove things from the cot once he knew he wouldn’t be supervising?

DD wasn’t even in a cot by around 18 months. The risks of SIDs is soooo minimal by 17 months that I do think YABU.
Does your DC go to nursery? If so, she wouldn’t be in a cot at all after 12 months and then they have those floor bed things and often sleep with comforters and random toys they like (granted- supervised).
You’ve referred to your daughter as your baby a lot. Don’t get me wrong they are always your baby even at 18 years old, but actually your DD is a toddler now. I think it would do you good to reframe that.

My daughter at about 2 decided to tackle the North face of a bookcase. She got to the second shelf off the floor with her feet and her hands were on shelf 4, good technique, she had 4 points of contact, but she then froze, Mummmeeeee!!! I managed to talk her down, one hand/foot at a time, rather than lifting her off.
When No 2 was about 8 months old we were wakened one morning with both of them at the bedroom door, they'd managed to work together to drop the cot side to allow her to escape. They were very proud of themselves, we were thinking of how we could stop them doing it again.

Thank you :)

I think I just had visions of her being suffocated or strangled if she got caught up in it, and am worried about FIL tiredness levels as well.

Husband and I were already talking about needing to chat to him if he's able to do the looking after her.

It's a huge help to us, and we really appreciate it, but he's arriving later and later when he looks after her, and we've already chatted about the fact that he's unlikely to come to us if he feels he can't do it, so we need to have a very frank open and honest conversation about what works and what doesn't.

The arrangement with her cousin is slightly different, and I think that sometimes feeds into the challenges! My SIL is off with our niece 2 days a week and grandad goes down on one of those days and hangs out with SIL and niece. He sometimes takes niece to the park for half an hour or will watch her for an hour or so, or babysit when BIL and SIL go out - but with DD he's the care giver for a whole day whilst DH and I both work. We had planned on nursery but FIL really pushed to be able to look after her for a day a week.

I suspect he thought it might be like the couple of hours he watches her cousin for, and wasn't prepared for the tiring nature of a full day. (Also not helped by him deciding to do fewer practice days/stretches before he started, as he booked up things with BIL/SIS and niece on those days)

I’m surprised she’s still in sleeping bags. DD was in a bed with a toddler pillow and duvet at 18 months. (And a million different toys!)

if you want to, do go downstairs, just ask DH to grab the monitor for you. If you do, can you just make sure her cot is empty of everything but one toy, specifically remove the sleep sack for safety
If that was the exact message OP then it’s really quite confusing. It sounds like you’re saying he can grab the monitor if he wants to, but it’s entirely optional, and if he does decide to get the monitor then he can also empty the cot, thus implying that’s optional too. And since he didn’t perceive it as a safety issue I understand why he didn’t hop to it. If you want him to do something specific next time then give a specific instruction. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. The sleep set up wasn’t unsafe for a 17MO toddler and your message wasn’t clear.

She does go to nursery. It wasn't the SIDS thing - it was specifically worrying that the zipped up sleep sack was like a bag that she could get tangled in.

The toys and books were fine from a safety point of view - she typically only has one toy in her cot with her when she's sleeping as she moves around a lot and the more things in there the more disturbed and distressed she gets in her sleep.

I think that's an interesting point about how I see/refer to her. I think I started referring to her as a toddle a bit after her first birthday, but DH was like 'but she's not walking so she's not a toddler!' and whilst developmentally I know that's nonsense, i think ti's also meant i've felt silly outwardly referring to her as a toddler until she's been walking - which has really only happened this last week or so.

So that re-framing is really useful and probably something I should actively do!

Thank you : )

I find it bizarre that you think she’s safer in a nursery setting where you have zero control over what happens and who looks after her, than in her own home with a loving grandparent taking care of her on a 1:1 basis. 😳🤔

If she were a new born then I would be concerned but your DD is 17 months old, plenty old enough not to get tangled up.

Sorry, OP you are massibly overreacting here.

Edited to say that my DS didn't walk until he was 20 months but I always referred to him as toddler after his 1st birthday.

I’m more puzzled about all this “napping on someone” stuff in a 17 month old

Really? It works for us :)

When we're around and it's nap time she'll come up to us for a cuddle and fall asleep on us. At nursery she goes to sleep on the floor, and is good at going down at night, but it's nice to be her safe space for a nap :) If we need to get stuff done we could put her in the cot, but this works for the moment :)

We're very lucky that's she's pretty good at going down in a number of different ways.

I guess every child and every parent is different :)

My DD has slept with a toddler duvet, pillow and her Winnie the Pooh comforter since 16 months. This is a non event OP. Don’t fall out with FIL over this.

Yes I think because she has only just started walking (and perhaps is on the smaller side) you are babying a toddler - one who is far closer to climbing/talking properly etc than they are at suffocating by getting their head stuck k ina sleep sack

but it does sound as if a full day os too much

Everyday before his nap, my grandson runs around throwing everything he can into his crib. Teddy goes in first, followed by books, games, pretty much anything. He plays or looks through his books for about an hour before he digs a little clearing and goes to sleep. I watch on the baby monitor, then when he's asleep, I go in and move stuff away from his body to make him more comfy. He's 32 months old now.

You're being OTT.

Your DD is just going to get more active and in general, FIL doesn't exactly sound like he's paying attention to details. I'd be cautious leaving her in his care until you feel more comfortable with his judgment. I speak as someone whose own parents did things "their way" with my DD, and I let a lot of things slide and it just built and built and I stopped feeling comfortable with how they treated my child. I understand that FIL raised your DH, but he is of a different generation (and let's be honest: a man) and I know that love and best intentions aside, they can be pretty clueless. My father did some really insane stuff with my DC, like feeding DD things she was allergic to because he has never cooked a day in his life and wouldn't have known the ingredients because he never had to think about such things!

I would guess that the things were still in the cot from where she'd got up that morning or when they were playing and she's fallen asleep on him so he's put her down and then not moved the stuff around her. He can't easily move it while holding her.

I would probably just make sure to completely take the sleep sack out of the cot in the mornings if that particularly worries you. I would not be overly worried about books and toys at her age, only that it might be uncomfortable if she was resting on the corner of a book or something. You might want to present it as a concern for comfort, rather than safety.

Some of the "safe sleep" groups on FB are very extreme and I think it encourages some really rigid thinking to permeate into other areas online as well.

Yes!

Ds could climb at 17 months so was in a bed so had access to his whole bedroom. You will look back at this and chuckle OP.

I’d imagine OP is most likely a working mother who has to engage childcare as opposed to enjoying the child free time with the option to not leave her baby with anyone 🤣

When my mother was just under two, she decided to sit in the well bucket ( she lived on a farm). Of course , her weight was enough to pull it down so she got a good soaking ; that’s when she started yelling and DGGM pulled it up.

DM died aged 93….

I'd read the OP as her fil babysitting, rather than childcare alongside nursery. Either way it's not exactly "hilarious" though, unless you've got a very quiet life!

She is 17 months old, not 17 days! You are overreacting by a full mile.

The cot doesn’t need to be empty, my 17 month old goes to bed with loads of toys and books. The sleepsack thing I could maybe imagine someone being worried about if they were very precious, but it’s really no big danger.

My daughter had her own bed at 18 months! Toddler pillow, duvet and her favourite toys.

At 17 months the sleep sack is not a meaningful hazard. Many kids transition to a toddler bed plus duvet by this point.

I think you’re totally right about it being part of having grandparents babysit. My own mum is a PICU nurse and is always telling me in absolute shock things her friends have done with their grandchildren (napping in car seats, unsafe sleep set ups etc) and I always have to remind her that it’s been 30 years since they had babies and if it wasn’t for her job, she would still be doing 90s parenting too 😂