Please tell me what consequences you use for behaviour that is unacceptable and needs a sanction

[NotABanana]

We don't have play stations, etc so all we can take aay is the main computer and his father's old lap top. Not that is works.

We don't have anything that works atm.

I feel silly as Nana died nearly 3 years ago but I had no one else.

He says he doesn't know why he does it, or because he wants to, he likes it.

No one to have the kids for me. Can't afford paid help either.

Off to school now.

Early bedtime (very effective)
No barbies
No access to her "place." She hs a favourite corner where she likes to eat, play, etc.

DS1 was sent to be just after 6 last night.

He was the worst he has been for a long time this morning but had calmed down once I dropped him at school.

I have done nothing with DS2 this morning except make him a train track, put the tv on for him (thomas dvd) and give him a banana and 2 crackers. Poor love. I will regret all this when he starts playschool. Motherhood so does not come naturally to me and I can't blame it all on not having a mum.

You poor thing - kids can be really horrible, can't they. And it is SO difficult to stay calm and act rationally when they keep on and on.
I agree with the other advice on here - if you can, try to sort the problem out at the time, and keep the punishments immediate and manageable - like don't ban TV if you need it sometimes to get a break!

Sorry they are driving you crazy!

How about completely changing the focus away from punishing the bad behaviour and maybe drawing attention to the good. Maybe post a big piece of paper on the fridge and writing down all the nice things that DC have done during the day - maybe calling it 'things that made me happy today' or 'my great kids'. Maybe then the focus might change to what they are doing that is positive, and might help you see that maybe there were some good bits (even if only small or just a few). A few good feelings between you might start to tip the balance back (at least on a few days).

Maybe you are just all in a bit of a rut and need the cycle to break. I don't think you seem a bad mum - you wouldn't be on here trying to make things better if you were!!

Good luck.

another thing nab - what do you enjoy doing with DS?
When Ds1 was struggling and found Ds2's sn hard to cope with we used to have thursdays pms together. i would collect him from school while a friend sat with DS2 for an hour. We didn't do much , kjust walked home via the park and sometimes had an ice cream. But it gave me that time to just tell him I loved him and how proud I was of how he was coping and helping me too.
I LOVED that time and i think he did because it was just a quiet stress free hourand he was able to 'get' that whilst our home was chaotic and stressful that was not how it would always be and we could help each other.
He would have been about 7 at that point.
Do you get time with him on your own like that?

NotABanana - top tips from my family therapist (no honestly):
1 ) saying "that's not allowed" rather than eg I don't like that, you're naughty, whatever - makes it less personal = less confrontational.
2 )it's absolutely fine to say you're going to think about something and deal with it later / speak to daddy about it and he will deal with it later.
hope that helps, if only in a samll way. Good luck.

I so appreciate all your help and feel I let you down when I still can't get it right.

I have no time alone with DS1 and I know that would help if we could have.

We are in a rut that we can't see a way out of.

I feel like shit today, physically and emotionally, I have achieved nothing (though I did pkay trains and humpty dumpty with DS2, made me to hear him giggling so much and that I don't do it more often.)

I am going to do the paper thing definitely.

Have made this It has smiley faces on it and it is the sort of thing the kids will go for.

NAB

Around here, there is a voluntary scheme which pairs older people (over 40 - I would qualify!) with families with children, to be an unofficial grandparent. The older people benefit by getting some company and the families benefit from their skills and knowledge. Nobody can replace your nana, of course, but is there a scheme like this in your area? Perhaps an unofficial granny or grandad would help your son and give you some extra support. Or has your area got a 'parents anonymous' group?

Another thought that's only just occurred to me. Could you afford to enrol your son in something like Cubs? The subs are usually quite low and learning how to take care of himself (and all the other things that Cubs do) might be good for him. Plus you would get a break for an hour a week.

I can't open the chart but really hope it works for you.

OMG that is just what we would like!!

I got info on Beavers but he was so bad that day I couldn't face it tbh.

I have got details on other clubs and need to ring for mor info.

It just worked for me so not sure why the link didn't work.

I have just written our happy family chart on it and drawn some smiley faces.

Try ringing your local council about an unofficial grandparent scheme. Ours (I guess) vets people first but you could maybe make your own arrangement via Age Concern or a retirement home.

I think Beavers/Cubs could be just what your son needs. I know things are hard for you now, but don't be discouraged. You're obviously working hard to do the best for your family.

Give them something they really really like (we have a Gamecube, but could be anything)

Strictly ration time on it, encouraging as much anticipation as possible.

Make it very known that (well in this house) non compliance is met with 5 minutes off the alloted 20 minutes gamecube time.

so when they are down to 10 minutes, switch it off after 10 minutes - DON'T allow them to "just finish this game"

Remind them that if they had complied earlier in the day, they would have been able to finish the game.

Before it even gets that far I use 1/2/3/ Magic.

What is a game cube?

i sent my 5 year old to bed earlier than my 2 year old once - he was actually devastated, and sobbed for a good 20 minutes (in rage, I might add)

LOL you may not remember them

It's what happened after the Nintendo SNES and before the expensive ones!

you can pick a second hand one up for about £30 with a game or two.

Have emailed my local Age Concern branch asking if they could help with an adopt a granny type relationship.

It's a hard age.

I stagger the bedtimes by half an hour each - this has meant my 2 year old dropped his nap before he was ready, but he now goes to bed at about 6.45 and ds1 t 7.15. Could you do this? Give them half an hour ech TO BE tAKEN AWAy?

Can i recommend a book called unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn.
There are a couple of threads on MN if you search. It changed dramatically the way we parent. just a suggestion.

I think we could try that but I know DD would not be happy at going to bed before he brother - generally she is better behaved but last night we rewarded her by saying she could read for 20 minutes before lights out.

Also hat has really helped with my oldest is to refer back to the treatment I was giving him two years ago - ei with yours, treat him like he's four. Four year old expectations, four year old punishments, four year old bedtime.

It might really help to lift the pressure off you(to raise a 'good boy') and hijm (to be a 'big' boy)

But NAB, she is younger, and when you are younger you have to go to bed earlier than older people or where is the priviledge in being older? I shouldn't think her older brother is too happy at always going to bed as early as his younger sister!

Well done NAB, I challenge you to put even just one thing on your chart this afternoon. Even something like 'DS has beautiful eyes and a kissable neck', etc. Place it where he can see it.

Another thing I find helpful is if you have an altercation is try not to stay cross more than a few minutes (or at least pretend not too!!) Tell them off, have your say, then change the subject onto something happy or suggest a game of tennis in the garden, etc. It gives them the chance to snap out of it and get back in your good books. I do find pretending to be cheerful actually helps me feel genuinely a bit more cheerful. Or maybe I'm just bonkers and I've been locked in with the kids too long!!

DS2 has been lovely today (not yesterday) and he has counted 1-11 for the first time. Can I write that on the chart?!