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Original poster

Please tell me what consequences you use for behaviour that is unacceptable and needs a sanction

95 replies

NotABanana · 20/05/2008 14:09

We don't have play stations, etc so all we can take aay is the main computer and his father's old lap top. Not that is works.

We don't have anything that works atm.

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Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 16:55

He is most definitely there for punishment. Where else am I supposed to put him?

I want to go up and talk to him but I am too bloody fed up of it all

when on the step he shouts out, throws things, in his room he is quiet

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meemar · 20/05/2008 17:00

At least if he is shouting on the step you know he's p*ssed off. It only needs to be for a short time. Get an apology afterwards when his time is up and he'll think about doing it twice because being on the step sucks.

He's quiet in his room because he is being left to his own devices. It's not really like a punishment cos he's got all his stuff there. So when you go and tell him to stop playing it's like he's being punished for being quiet iyswim. That's why he gets mad at you.

That's the theory of it anyway. I know how hard it is in practise. Stick with it.

Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 17:10

I'll have to disagree. He knows I am not cross that he is being quiet as I reminded him he has been sent there for his bad behaviour.

He called me to come down and he apologised for what he had said and done. He isn't allowed to join his siblings in watching the tv and is sat at the table writing.

I will consider the step again and I will just have to ignore the shouting and the things he throws around.

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meemar · 20/05/2008 17:21

NAB, glad you got an apology and he knows what he's done wrong.

Just a slight concern (tell me to bugger off if I'm being too bossy ) do you think that now he has apologised and you've drawn a line under it maybe you should let him join in with watching tv. If you carry on the punishment you risk him feeling like he can't do anything to put it right.

This could show him that it's a fresh start and you have the power of withdrawing the tv if he behaves badly again.

Just a thought.

Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 17:41

Thoughts always welcome but his punishment for what he did to his broher is no tv for the rest of the week.

He has learnt nothing. He has just cheeked me again so I have sent him to get undressed for a shower.

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Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 17:51

he just does not know when to stop

back chatting

comments

hates everyone in his class now

i know he has had a hard time at school but i am doing all i can and i am fed up of it spilling over into home life and i also don't think that is all the reason for his behaviour at home

all 3 are showered and naked upstairs

not sure i can take anymore

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scampadoodle · 20/05/2008 17:55

NAB, I really feel for you. I frequently have days like this (DSs are nearly 4 & nearly 7) when it seems that the DCs gang up against you & in the end you feel powerless because you have run out of sanctions. (I usually go & sob in a quiet room at this point )

No solutions, sorry, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 17:57

That's exactly right. It is only DS1 today but it does sometimes feel ike they are ganging up against me.

They know I don't know what to do and we don't have any sanctions. There is nothing to take away from them that they are bothered about.

DH home in 5 minutes

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pagwatch · 20/05/2008 18:04

NAB
I've posted to you aboutthisbefore and not sure you will take any more notice this time but here goes.
My DS has huge special needs so teaching him the rules was very hard. My point being if he can learn and understand that some bahaviour is not ok then most kids can ( see optomistic .

I think your kids wind you up in part because they can. My Ds used to totally feed off my heightened moods - it was stimulating for him. Its that old thing that even if I was cross with him my attention was still focussed where he wanted it, on him.
the choice of sanction is key. With DS1 I used to take his pokemon cards away from him. With DS2 I take his beloved DVDs off him. They know if I threaten then it will happen and that has involeved things being handed to the charity shop.
My ed psych taught me to always calm my voice the most heightened the mood got. When DS2 was freaking out I would just leave the room and even ( if I could) sing. I would say 'when you are ready to be calm I will talk to you'. If they were really bad they were put in their rooms. But what really upset thenm was temporarily loosing my fond attntion. Ds1 would be in his bedroom while DS2 and DD helped me with dinner. the being in the room thing wasn't neutral - they felt like they were missing out.
And as for punishments they would always be instant - even if that meant the whole house stopped in the morning and we were all late. So be it. Teachers always understood and it was better than sendingthe message that there are times when you can get away with hit.
I was a bitch really. If one was in the bedroom the others would be having fun. Although in fairness we did have fun most nights so it wasn't especially laid on.
they need to value what is being withdrawn is my point. You have to find what each child currency is.That is how punishment is effective.

Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 18:13

Will read in a mo pagwatch

Having just cheeked me and his dad some more, and said he will get a knife in the night and stab himself, he is in bed.

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Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 18:18

I always take notice of people helping. It is rmembering what to do that is hard.

I think your kids wind you up in part because they can. True My Ds used to totally feed off my heightened moods - it was stimulating for him. Its that old thing that even if I was cross with him my attention was still focussed where he wanted it, on him. I am sure you are right for my son too. Though I asked him this morning if he likes mummy like this and he said no.
the choice of sanction is key. And that is my problem as we have nothing to take off him that bothers him.

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pagwatch · 20/05/2008 18:19

oh god nab - you will need a translator. My spelling is terrible. But dinner was burning .

The getting a knife thing really does sound like he 'gets off' on the drama IYSWIM.

pagwatch · 20/05/2008 18:23

aww sweetie. He does have things that mean a lot to him.I'm sure he does. He just is really good at not letting you see. And i think he is locked in a pattern of behaviour now that none of you can seem to get through - in spite of all your efforts.

That is really difficult for you.
I'll ponder some more. Meantime sending you my thoughts...

( the ed psych that helped me was fab but costs . I am guessing that is not an option ?)

Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 18:30

I can't do this anymore

I just don't know what to do.

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Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 18:36

he has come down and apologised

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MadBadandDangeroustoKnow · 20/05/2008 18:52

NAB

Earlier today, you said that DS is an angel at school, but you've just said that he has had a hard time there and hates his class. Is there something going on at school which he is bringing home? We're speaking about sanctions and rewards, but if you could get to the cause of the bad behaviour then just maybe - with luck - it would stop.

Has your local authority got a support team who might help you? Is there a parents' advocacy group who might help you get help for your son? I know it can be awful asking official bodies for help, but if it leads to a happier life for your family - and especially for you and your son - it'll be worth it.

Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 18:57

I know he is being bullied at school. Something has been done finally today but his behaviour can not be let off because of that.

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MadBadandDangeroustoKnow · 20/05/2008 19:12

No, you can't accept bad behaviour because of what's going on at school, but getting the bullying dealt with may help his frame of mind. Well done for getting the school to act.

Original poster
NotABanana · 20/05/2008 19:30

Only been 2 years......

She was made to apologise to him and he has been given a card with a sad face on to give the teacher when feeling sad.

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TeeBee · 20/05/2008 21:24

My eldest's behaviour is also sometimes way out of line and nothing seems to make it better by me giving negative outcomes. Don't know why, just seems I can continue taking things away all day without his attitude improving. What does work though is if I spend some quality time with him on a regular basis, doing things he really enjoys and having some special times together and taking the time to explain to him how special he is to me. I find for the rest of the week his behaviour is so much better, guess he doesn't want to lose that close feeling. Do have to keep doing it though otherwise it just peters off again.

Not sure it would work for little one but works for me.

TeeBee · 20/05/2008 21:24

My eldest's behaviour is also sometimes way out of line and nothing seems to make it better by me giving negative outcomes. Don't know why, just seems I can continue taking things away all day without his attitude improving. What does work though is if I spend some quality time with him on a regular basis, doing things he really enjoys and having some special times together and taking the time to explain to him how special he is to me. I find for the rest of the week his behaviour is so much better, guess he doesn't want to lose that close feeling. Do have to keep doing it though otherwise it just peters off again.

Not sure it would work for little one but works for me.

SpringSunshine · 20/05/2008 22:33

my nearly 7 yr old dd sounds exactly the same - calls people idiots and says they will die if they are nasty to her. She has even started talking about 'leaving' home and finding a new mummy

we have the same problme in that no sanction seems to work - I manage to stay calm most of hte time but dh gets wound up so easily she knows she is having an effect.

Will try the attention idea - nothing else seems to work.

Original poster
NotABanana · 21/05/2008 07:14

Maybe we should try really hard to ignore all the bad stuff and really praise up the good. So so hard when you are running on empty and never get a break. But as my MIL likes to remind me I chose to have this many kids.....

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Original poster
NotABanana · 21/05/2008 08:04

Just lost it big time and threw a cup across the kitchen. He is being a complete little pig and we just don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to see my husband shout as it isn't who he is.

I know this is all my fault but I am clearly not up to it.

I miss my nana

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PenelopePitstops · 21/05/2008 08:20

NAB for you, no advice but sorry baout your nana

could you find a babysitter
or something just to have some time out?

Have you asked him why he keeps doing things like this?