Husband mum broke her wrist and pubic bone and he wants to fly to Spain for 24 hours, leaving me, our 6 week old and our toddler behind

[DreamWaves]

My husband’s mum had a bike accident and broke her wrist and pubic bone and can’t currently walk. She lives in Spain with her husband and daughter (we live in London). My brother in law is flying out to help. My husband also wants to fly out for 24 hours, more for ‘emotional support’ than anything and to ‘rally round’ their mum as a family. He wants to go as much for himself as for her.

However he’ll be leaving me alone with our 6 week old baby and toddler who arguably need him more, as there is plenty of support for his mum in Spain. He’s asked if my parents can come over and help, which is an inconvenience to them as they’ll have to spend the night and potentially cancel plans (and they’re both in their late 70s). My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us - he doesn’t seem to realise the knock on effect leaving me with two young kids would have and the extra work it creates for me, and extra pressure it puts on my parents. He said he’d stay if I ask him to but I know he’d think I was being insensitive to his mum’s plight. Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable? Not sure how to play this one.

Jesus I’d be insisting he goes for the weekend. His poor mam.

Perhaps he should take the toddler if you really can't cope with both?

I also cannot understand all of these comments. It’s fucking difficult looking after a newborn and a toddler. The newborn is six weeks old and the family has likely not got into a new routine yet. If the husband’s employer has decent family leave policies (as mine has) he may still be on paternity leave and OP may never have had the children on her own before. The husband is not an only child, his mum has plenty of support from other adults in the family and as others have said, he can FaceTime to check on her. Perhaps he could go and visit later in her recovery when his baby is a little older and OP has got more used to having two children.

I honestly think some PPs have completely forgotten when it’s like when you have a new baby, especially when you already have other children. Someone above said OP is an experienced parent - perhaps, but not of two!

I’m sure you will cope if you have to, but it’s not ideal and not necessary, at least not immediately.

You should support him going and share concern over his poor mum. You should spend the alone time reflecting on why your mum voiced aloud her (unreasonable in my view) opinion about your husband being selfish. Comments like this, especially if a common occurrence, are overstepping boundaries and can cause fractures in relationships. Think of it another way - what if your mum had reacted with concern about your MIL, and asked in support whether your husband would be going to see her. I imagine you would be feeling a lot differently about him going. We can be influenced so much by other people’s opinions, please be careful this isn’t happening to you.

It's 24 hours. You can manage.

Yh sorry but you'd be massively unreasonable to refuse because of 2 kids - call your own family/friends or even a neighbour for help people are usually good in an emergency

This.
There was no online shopping, no mobile phones, no children's day time TV except Sesame Street at lunch time. DH got one week AL then I just had to get on with it. I am not saying it was ideal, it was just reality.
24 hours should be fine.

I agree his mum is in pain and probably comfortable and I imagine still in hospital. She has people to advocate for her and make sure that she is treated properly

He is having an immediate reaction to something - him being there st the moment is going to change anything and is just going to add to the number of people in the hospital

He has had a horrible shock but actually 24 hours isn’t going to do anything positive on either side and isn’t actually particularly helpful.

sit him down look after him make sure he has contact with his family and arrange a visit within the next couple of weeks once it has all calmed down. See if he can video call as well and get information that way and be on standby to go

Imagine he was hospitalised for a couple of days you would HAVE to manage.
Be glad it's only Spain not Australia.
I am going to be honest I really dislike being alone with my toddler over night but I would suck it up in this circumstance.

Not sure how to play this one.

"See you in 24hrs H. I am a grown woman who can cope being on her own for a day. Send her my love"

HTH

It's one day. You'll be fine.

It’s also only one day seeing his mum. If it’s such a short space of time, why can’t his mum cope, with other family members around to help her?

I’d probably be pissed off too. A newborn and a toddler sounds like hell.

You’re perfectly capable of managing two young children on your own for 24 hours. They do not “arguably need him more” compared to his mum who is immobile and in presumably, significant pain. I imagine if the same thing happened to you in 30 years you’d hope that your children would offer some support.

After my second child was born, 20 months after my first, my DH got a job 160 miles away. For five months he was only home at weekends, whilst I sold our house and looked after my two children.

It’s only 24 hours @DreamWaves , get a grip.

I can see this both ways.

I'm a gran in my late 60s and have a DD with a young baby, but we don't live near her to help out.

I was also on my own a lot with 2 children, same age as yours are, as my DH used to travel constantly overseas with work (and I had no family nearby to help out.)

If it were me, I'd tell my son (your H) that I could manage as I already had plenty of support. I'd say his priority was his own family.

At the same time, I'd have been able to cope for 24 hours on my own with a 6 week baby and a toddler.

So I think you're being a bit needy to say you can't cope for 24 hours.
But I also think your MIL should suggest to your H that he doesn't need to come as she's not at death's door.

Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable?

You're being selfish and unreasonable!

I think it's a good thing that he cares about his mum and wants to go and see her, regardless of how many other people are there to 'help' her. She's been in an accident, he just wants to see her and give her a hug if nothing else, I know that's what I'd want to do. It's not even like you're a first time mum, you will (or should be) absolutely fine for a couple of days without him.

You can surely see how unreasonable you’re being. If it was for two weeks I could understand you being upset but it’s 24 hours. I’m sure you’ll manage. It’s important that he goes, for his mum’s recovery and for his peace of mind. Sounds like she has some nasty injuries. Don’t be the person that stops him going.

For 24 hrs?
I think you'll cope.
When stuff like that happens you want to check in.
You are being unreasonable

If anything you should encourage him to stay longer.

You can do it OP. It might feel scary but you will be fine and 24 hours isn't long. He could help by making food in advance and stuff.

But I do actually think his mum with a daughter, husband an another child will also be fine without him. How many peole do you really want around when you feel crap and are resting. But I see if he is worried he'd want to hug her first hand.

Blimey and to think my mum packed up an entire house and moved to another country alone when she had three children under five, including a six week old baby! My dad had been posted overseas and had to leave before us to start his new job.

Just stock up on easy meals and snacks and spend the time doing whatever you need to do to cope. If that’s watching TV in your pyjamas then so be it.

Your husband probably wants to reassure himself that his mum really is okay and I don’t blame him.

I’m sure you will cope, but I do think that this trip isn’t essential. If your MIL was alone then absolutely he should go, but she has lots of support around her. Would his mum not understand that as a family you have a lot on.

my mother in law died suddenly she wasn't poorly in the run to being admitted to hospital and never made it through the night.... your husband needs to see his mother after a horrible accident you should be encouraging him to go for more than 24 hours really! you will survive like 100s of single parents that are alone daily!

To add to this, as I’ve seen the classic ‘I think some posters have forgotten what it’s like to…’ line, I’ve currently got a 3.5 year old and a 8 week old baby, born by C-section, and my husband is currently working 7 days a week, 7am-11pm+ (yay for agriculture!) so I promise, I do understand!
Another pp has asked if there’s more to this op, I suspect there might be. Perhaps that may help people understand your stance but without context, I do still feel you’ll be absolutely fine, and it’ll mean a lot to both your husband and his mother to see each other.

Well at least you know your mother won't be expecting any support from you if she's ever ill or injured.