Husband mum broke her wrist and pubic bone and he wants to fly to Spain for 24 hours, leaving me, our 6 week old and our toddler behind

[DreamWaves]

My husband’s mum had a bike accident and broke her wrist and pubic bone and can’t currently walk. She lives in Spain with her husband and daughter (we live in London). My brother in law is flying out to help. My husband also wants to fly out for 24 hours, more for ‘emotional support’ than anything and to ‘rally round’ their mum as a family. He wants to go as much for himself as for her.

However he’ll be leaving me alone with our 6 week old baby and toddler who arguably need him more, as there is plenty of support for his mum in Spain. He’s asked if my parents can come over and help, which is an inconvenience to them as they’ll have to spend the night and potentially cancel plans (and they’re both in their late 70s). My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us - he doesn’t seem to realise the knock on effect leaving me with two young kids would have and the extra work it creates for me, and extra pressure it puts on my parents. He said he’d stay if I ask him to but I know he’d think I was being insensitive to his mum’s plight. Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable? Not sure how to play this one.

Yes he was selfish. Being in the military is not conducive to family. He had an obligation to get a job once he got married and started a family that allows him to support her and them, not leave for 6 months. It's incredibly selfish of him.

Shaking my head at people on here demonising a woman who has just given birth! For wanting her husband with her and their newborn baby! Wtf is wrong with people and their dickpandering!

Oh ffs! 🤦‍♀️

Sorry what? Where did you get this from? Still 2 weeks as far as the government is concerned

https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave/leave

Hi OP, I've actually joined mumsnet so I can offer you a bit of support. There are a lot of judgemental and negative replies and I do actually see your perspective on this. I'm not saying you shouldn't let your partner go, but I also understand why you have reservations about it.

You only gave birth 6 weeks ago and are no doubt still exhausted, especially if you have a newborn baby who needs regular night feeds. It also sounds like (although I'm reading between the lines) that your husband is your main support system? A Newborn and a toddler is tough going and very exhausting, especially being postpartum. I appreciate lots of people manage, but it doesn't mean it isn't going to be hard. Nor should it invalidate your feelings.

It also sounds like your mother-in-law has lots of support already there. You say she has a husband and daughter there, and another son who is travelling out. If you genuinely don't feel like you can manage then you need to have a honest chat with your husband. Maybe he could travel out there in a few weeks when things are a bit easier, and you have recovered a bit more from the birth? plus your parents could plan to assist you better if they had future availability? Your husband could schedule regular team calls etc in the meantime?

If you do decide that it's going to be ok, and you are happy for your husband to go - then plan on making it as easy as possible for yourself. Have a PJ day, watch movies, rest when the baby is sleeping and do brief housework.Maybe even get a takeaway in :-)

N.B I will not replying to any negative comments to my opposing view. I'm literally here to be kind to OP and offer some support in such an unkind thread

N.B I will not replying to any negative comments to my opposing view. I'm literally here to be kind to OP and offer some support in such an unkind thread

😆😂@Redbutterfly1985 You really are new to Mumsnet if you think this is how it works 😆😂 you don't need to reply, no one cares!

Omg shes just had a baby ffs, where’s the compassion for her? Sometimes people are so awful to women when they are at their most vulnerable. We need to call it out more. Just awful.

I should think his mother is feeling pretty vulnerable and in need of compassion. It’s a short visit. He should go.

Yeah... except his Mum has actually said not to.

Or don't the feelings of the actually unwell person matter, as long as everyone else can descend to make themselves feel virtuous?

You are an awful human being for talking to a new mum like this. If you aren't here for support or kind, empathetic and caring advice then bugger off! You can say shes wrong without being an absolute tool about it.

This was to @mooremattie who should be banned off this forum!!!

Gosh @bumblebeegu you are an awful human being for talking to a new mum like this. Utterly disgusting, shame on you!! There are ways to tell OP she is wrong without being an absolute TOOL. People like you should get off this forum!!!!!

'Get a grip dear' seriously, are you that awful of a human being?? A new mum has come here looking for support, she is clearly very vulnerable. There are ways to tell her she is wrong without being a tool. You, @viques Need to bugger off this forum and consider what an awful person you are to talk to a new mum like this.

I can’t see what support a 24 hour visit is from DH for his DM when she has her DH,DD and DBIL. It seems he is worried he isn’t seen as caring enough so has to be there in person. She isn’t dying -more sense to hang on for a week or several and go when he will actually be of some use.
a d the baby a bit older.

It won't hurt u. Such a short time.

You can do this. You’re in such a hard part of parenting but it’s only 24h. My partner works shifts and was often not home when the children woke up, and stayed at work til after bedtime. It’s intense but doable.

This is the time when families rally round to support each other. If your parents are physically able to rally to support you, let them. If not, can you rally yourself for 24h?

I’d want to go see her, if this was my mum. Try to swap perspectives. Good luck.

Why does she need to hold the baby 24 hours a day? If from the start you change, feed and put down to sleep then the 24 hour cling-on sessions aren't necessary, they seem to be a newish trend, created by constant holding.

She has newborn and a toddler! She will be all alone while his mother will have at least four adults with her.

And ? Many many thousands of women in this country manage on their own perfectly well with a newborn and a toddler, some even have more children in the mix too, children that need to be taken to school at 08:30 every morning. They manage this day after day after day. If a parent can't cope for a measly 24 hours on their own then they need to stop being so pathetic and give them self a bloody good shake and find the ability to grow up.

It’s a serious and unexpected incident. How is that not an emergency? She certainly didn’t preplan a minor paper cut.

Emergency - she's broken her wrist and pelvis, is about to be discharged home with no one to take care of her.

Not an emergency - she's broken her wrist and pelvis and has several capable adults to take care of her immediately.

Yes it's a serious injury, but the OP gives no suggestion that she's at any more risk than any of us of dying imminently, therefore rushing to her side is not for her benefit. If that had been the case, then yes, that alters the emergency status. However it isn't.

Going out to see her for a few days in the near future, perhaps in a few weeks, may well be helpful, to give her husband and daughter a break, but rushing out for just 24 hours is a massive stress for the OP, and gives the MIL absolutely no extra help whatsoever.

And, really quite crucially OP's Mother In Law does not want her son to rush out for 24 hours immediately.

All most likely moot now as its been days since the OP's husband wanted to hurtle over to Spain to flap and fuss at his mothers side and he has undoubtedly gone and returned by now!

Of course you can cope. Plenty of single parents out there and partners that away during the week. If he’d said a week I don’t think he’d have been unreasonable.

This isn’t your first baby, you know what you are doing. The house doesn’t need to be perfect, just ask him to help as much before he goes out- ie with a full shop.

What would you fo if it were work. Get everything prepped before he leaves and let him go....mothers do seem to slag the other half off ....i bet she coped all day everyday when she had you and there was no paternity leave.