Husband mum broke her wrist and pubic bone and he wants to fly to Spain for 24 hours, leaving me, our 6 week old and our toddler behind

[DreamWaves]

My husband’s mum had a bike accident and broke her wrist and pubic bone and can’t currently walk. She lives in Spain with her husband and daughter (we live in London). My brother in law is flying out to help. My husband also wants to fly out for 24 hours, more for ‘emotional support’ than anything and to ‘rally round’ their mum as a family. He wants to go as much for himself as for her.

However he’ll be leaving me alone with our 6 week old baby and toddler who arguably need him more, as there is plenty of support for his mum in Spain. He’s asked if my parents can come over and help, which is an inconvenience to them as they’ll have to spend the night and potentially cancel plans (and they’re both in their late 70s). My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us - he doesn’t seem to realise the knock on effect leaving me with two young kids would have and the extra work it creates for me, and extra pressure it puts on my parents. He said he’d stay if I ask him to but I know he’d think I was being insensitive to his mum’s plight. Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable? Not sure how to play this one.

Not all babies are easy by 6 weeks. It can be peak time for colic and they might not have day and night properly sorted yet. Some babies in my NCT group were sleeping longer stretches by then but others were waking every 45 min and crying for hours every night. Sleep deprivation could really be setting in by then if you get the non-sleeping type.

Why are you leaving out that the MIL broke her pubic bone and is immobile

Its perfectly normal and natural to find a toddler and 6 week old hard work. Its perfectly normal and natural to want to see a parent, particularly an older one after a serious injury and what sounds like quite a shocking accident. The two things can exist togegether. Something being hard doesnt mean you dont do it

You ask why should OP 'put herself through it', well because hopefully she is connected and attached to her husband, cares for him and knows that he will be worried and wants to see his mother and thats what you do in a partnership/marriage. Same as hopefully his response to her would be, you absolutely do go and see your mum, you need to do that for yourself if not her.

Also caring for a grown heavy adult who is immobile is pretty hard work too. Perhaps the family are rallying around for food, toilet, washing etc etc.

Sooooooooo unreasonable. Grow up. Of course he wants to see his mum. If you're scared of coping on your own, give your head a wobble and maybe call a friend.

Did you bother to read the update of 24 hours ago where OP says she has told him he must go? Or did you just fancy joining the pile on?

Ahh this resonates with me. Our baby was the same between 3-12 weeks, he screamed non stop from 6pm to midnight. Slept an hour or two then wake, rinse and repeat till morning. My husband and I had to take shifts to get through it. He then would only sleep on me during the day too. It was awful.

So if OP is experiencing anything similar to that, I can completely understand her not wanting him to go. Though personally I would still encourage it, and I’d be asking my mum or a friend to help out for a day or two. I believe OP’s mum is the one being unreasonable.

If ,y husband told me I couldn’t go and see my mother I’d be bewildered.

I genuinely can’t imagine not being able to look after my own children for a couple of days. My husband’s parents live in New York and he goes for a few days every three months and he always has done.

If it's 24 hours YABU, if it's a week or more then that's different

Paternity leave is now 6 weeks for most.

Her baby is 6 weeks old! Have a heart!

Great but still masses of people have coped with their partner back to work full time when their baby is 2 weeks old or less. 24 hours is VERY possible especially in an emergency.

It’s not a race to the bottom.

If the mum had no support yes. But even the mum recognises her DIL needs him there more.

Pointing out that it’s entirely reasonable for a mum to cope for 24 hours because her DH is dealing with an emergency is not a “race to the bottom”, it’s pointing out that she is being asked to do something entirely commonplace and which the vast majority of women the world over do without hesitation.

How is it 'an emergency' when his Mum already has a husband, and daughter who live with her and another adult child coming to stay.

I am sure OP's husband would feel better seeing his mum in person, but its certainly not an emergency, even his own Mum recognises that.

It'd be far more sensible to delay the visit for a couple of weeks or even a month, and then all go over for a week, perhaps staying nearby, so he can visit with his Mum, give the others a bit of a break and still be with his wife and kids in the evenings.

You are so f’in selfish. My Gosh! I can’t even. FFS! I am gobsmacked.

"Most" ???

It really isn't.

It’s a race to the bottom when people are telling OP pat leave is 2 weeks for some.

2 weeks for most.

eh ?

That is just a fact.
You can do an internet search if you want. You'll find that most Dads get 2 weeks of paternity leave.
Nothing to do with any races to the bottom.

YANBU, Christ, it's only a wrist and public bone, it's not like she has become paraplegic or anything, AND she has her husband AND daughter AND Bil there, he is being ridiculous to make such a fuss. And more like he wants to get out of parenting for 24 hours so is using this as an excuse. So selfish. I would read him the riot act and tell him he's not to go.

It’s 24 hours. His mum can’t WALK! Of course he would want to go and see her.

Where on earth is this figure from? 🤣 2 weeks is definitely the norm.

agree it’s not the race to the bottom, I would have loved DH for 6 weeks.

it’s literal fact

His mum has her husband and daughter and also SIL with her. She doesn't 'need' him. He has a 6 week old newborn baby! A toddler as well, and a wife that just recently gave birth and SHE needs him!

With respect, OP - I don't understand why you would need to inconvenience your parents & expect them to cancel their plans just because your DH goes away for 24 hours to visit his mum. Presumably, you're on maternity leave, so don't have to arrange childcare, or anyone to drop off at school / nursery.

I regularly had to cope for much longer periods with no DH around, with 4DCs and no additional help. Can't you just suck it up this one time? It's 24 hours!

Encourage him to see his mum, don't make him feel guilty about it and surprise yourself with how well you manage on your own. It will be good for you to know you can cope alone should there be an emergency in the future.

Jesus OP! Get a grip…you’re the selfish one in this situation.

My daughter’s husband is in the military and was deployed overseas on a 6 month tour when she had a 5 week old and a 2 year old. Was he selfish? Of course not! Did she manage? Of course she did!

You are being utterly ridiculous!