Shamed for reigns on toddler

[Han1989]

Hello, this is my first post on Mumsnet but I'm looking for opinions on this topic. I have a very active 2 year old who runs away very quickly, enjoys exploring on her own and loves being chased. I usually let her walk holding my hand or on her own if it's in a safe area (no roads etc) however we recently took a short trip to Venice, and as I was anxious about crowds, all the canals etc I got some reigns (the backpack ones with wings which my daughter loves). Playing in a square one afternoon I was confronted by a young Italian woman claiming to be a teacher and giving her opinion that I am treating my child like an animal. I was very taken a back and left the situation, where I became very upset to the point of crying. I genuinely feel I do everything for my child's best interest and to be shamed like this in public whilst on holiday was very distressing. Can anyone give any insight, are reigns really that bad? Please no negative comments, my daughter has a great life and runs freely outside every day.

Reins aren't necessarily an alternative to walking. They're often an alternative to a child being in the buggy.

I'm assuming you never strapped your kids into a buggy either?

I can't see that there's a big difference really between immobilising a small child in a chair on wheels, and allowing them to walk but subject to some restraint to keep them safe.

Reins are simply a more effective method of holding a child's hand.

I have a spirited DD with fast legs who likes to run off. She has learnt to stick to the pavement as I have taught road safety and she is scared of cars. If we were on a very busy road I would obviously hold her hand and if there was any pulling/tugging I would grip her (I am an adult and she is a child, therefore I am stronger than her) or carry her and I would take her straight home.

I agree that there are exceptions - a parent who is disabled and can’t run after their child / parents of multiple children (I have 2 and 2 hands so can manage) etc. Most people on here using reins I’m guessing - including OP - are perfectly capable of using their hands to restrain their child.

Anyway, I’m not going to find agreement here so I shall see myself out. Happy rein-ing!

I was going to say, none of those options would work for me because I have a 2 year old plus 1 year old twins.

Even then, as pp said, I really don't see the difference between reins vs strapping them into a pushchair/highchair/car seat. It's all about trying to keep them safe.

@Mumoftwo52 , you are being very judgemental about other people’s parenting choices, my daughter walked at 9 months and could run very fast by 12 months and was an unpredictable bolter who hated being in a buggy. Describing safety reins as a lead is also being provocative, I’m pleased you haven’t seen children running into dangerous situations but many of us have , me included

I think it is partly a cultural difference - I had a similar reaction when using reins on DD in Germany. Apparently it was cruelty and not letting her be a free spirit. - My response - cars do not respect a child’s free spirit when they run them over.

DD was a runner and didn’t like holding hands (she liked both hands free to explore) I was also pregnant and had crippling PGP so running after her and grabbing her was impossible. She didn’t need them for long but for about 6 months they were a lifesaver (literally)

In Venice, with all those canals and crowds it would be madness not to use reins IMO.

Here are some stats on children killed or seriously injured on uk roads. The majority are pedestrians rather than car passengers

No I don't think we should do those things
neither do I think we should blether on about freedom and Agency while they run in front of cars.

I’ve known an adult who tripped and fell into the canal in Venice.

I personally didn’t find a need for them but I don’t think parents should be shamed for trying to kept their children safe in the way that works best for them.

I think there is way too much pontification about what is somehow psychologically harming or emotionally crippling or development stunting in children these days. It’s an overthink. All the people I have known who have gone into adulthood with “issues “ would cite an absence of caution and concern about them as children rather than an abundance.

It’s a fair comparison because dogs have a similar intelligence level to a 2-3 year old. And we like to keep them safe too. Now if you still have a teenager on reins I’d probably raise an eyebrow except I wouldn’t actually because I’d assume there was a good reason for that too

An astonishing number of adults fail to develop the capacity to understand different perspectives or imagine other circumstances than their own. It often seems to go hand in hand with a difficulty keeping their opinions to themselves.

It’s really unpleasant being verbally mugged op. It gets better as the dc get older, and people don’t pass comment as much as when you’re out with babies and toddlers.

One of mine was a bolter. Still need reins at 4yrs in 'high risk' situations. They lived. The world and it's mother will have opinions on your parenting. Choose to ignore, smile, or scowl next time, depending on context. The raised eyebrow is quite effective too.

They really do struggle to absorb cultural differences. There is another thread about French grandparents seating the op away from her Dc at the table and despite people posting from France to say actually that’s just a thing here, nope, you cannot convince the majority of pp it is some gross snub and “ if they were OP” they’d be “finding their words.” It’s like if it’s a culturally different approach they just get a “does not compute” reading in their brain.

Clearly I am an outlier here with my opinion of reins, but I’d also argue that they implicitly show your child that you do not trust them to behave safely in public and need to be kept on a lead.
I didn't trust my then two year old not to fall into the Leeds/Liverpool canal, run into the middle of the East Lancs road and not to run off into a crowd at a festival!
Yet somehow, miraculously maybe, I was able to trust him to walk to school with me as we chatted about random stuff. It's funny what a couple of years make in a child's development!

Ignore her. She's clearly nuts.

You are being a fab parent keeping your child safe.

I was a childminder and foster carer. I remember wearing long skirts and having children hold my skirt while we walked. (2 holding the buggy, any others holding my skirt) But there was one little boy who had to be on reins. He was not naughty, but he was unpredictable . You can be a responsible parent and still need the help of reins.

I hope you’ve never put her in a cot with bars! Like a dog!

seriously. Reins are useful. Reins can keep children safe. Use as you see fit!

I’m very anti child reins but
a) wouldn’t ever tell anyone who didn’t ask me my opinion
b) would probably have used them myself if I’d taken my kids to Venice at toddler age 😂

Thank you!!

Yep I'm well aware I need to toughen up, everyone is different though and I am not confrontational in the slightest. I really do wish I had told her to F off!
Appreciate all the comments. And yes I think we've established I spelt reins wrong! Thanks spell checkers lol

@gh15jhfaI love your post! You sound an amazing mum, as does the OP

Reins (not reigns 🤣) are great.

I used reins with all three of mine, and occasionally the wrist strap. Several of my friends did too. Mine were always given a choice, which was "reins or pushchair." They usually chose the reins unless they were particularly tired.

My children were not really bolters but I liked the reassurance and extra safety net of the reins/strap. I never gave a single shit what anyone else thought and if anyone had commented they would have been told to mind their own business pretty sharpish.

Anyone who criticises another person - especially a stranger - for using reins on a toddler is ignorant and rude. They’re the one who should be ashamed of themself, not you, OP.

I'm not sure if shamed is the right word, but she did make me question my parenting and the choice of reins, in turn making me feel some shame (i am an anxious person in general and to be given an unsolicited opinion by a stranger about my parenting as a first time mum was difficult). She was extremely patronising and standing over me (me and my child were sat drawing on the floor with chalk whilst this happened)....and for her to say i was treating my child like an animal made me feel shame in this moment, hence why i came to mumsnet to see the opinions of other mums. And i no longer feel bad about it!! I'm unable to go back and edit my post but yes reins not reigns!

I had one child who I used reigns with quite often and would have done in the situation you describe. My second I’ve never used them - because he wasn’t a flight risk. Maybe if they’ve been the other way around I’d have felt superior too!

@Han1989 , the majority of posters on here are supportive so try not to give it any more headspace if it happens again tell them to do one

'Fu** off' is understood by people who speak most languages 😀