Shamed for reigns on toddler

[Han1989]

Hello, this is my first post on Mumsnet but I'm looking for opinions on this topic. I have a very active 2 year old who runs away very quickly, enjoys exploring on her own and loves being chased. I usually let her walk holding my hand or on her own if it's in a safe area (no roads etc) however we recently took a short trip to Venice, and as I was anxious about crowds, all the canals etc I got some reigns (the backpack ones with wings which my daughter loves). Playing in a square one afternoon I was confronted by a young Italian woman claiming to be a teacher and giving her opinion that I am treating my child like an animal. I was very taken a back and left the situation, where I became very upset to the point of crying. I genuinely feel I do everything for my child's best interest and to be shamed like this in public whilst on holiday was very distressing. Can anyone give any insight, are reigns really that bad? Please no negative comments, my daughter has a great life and runs freely outside every day.

I can see nothing wrong with using reins, I used them with my older child as she was a bolter and would pull away from a hand hold without warning is something distracted her. Also if you are looking after 2 or more young children at once you only have 2 hands. Didn’t need them with my younger child. Never had any comments and they would have got short shrift if they had. There is no excuse for commenting on someone else’s parenting unless it’s harmful

Clearly I am an outlier here with my opinion of reins, but I’d also argue that they implicitly show your child that you do not trust them to behave safely in public and need to be kept on a lead.

It’s also passing on our own fears and paranoia to our children. Particularly in reference to keeping kids safe from child snatchers, which is an incredibly rare thing to happen.

Reins ultimately show our children that they have no agency, control or freedom, which I think is a shame.

Do you also say "gentle hands" as they punch babies?

@Mumoftwo52 , reins do not pass on paranoia or teach our children we don’t trust them. Children of an age to be seen on reins will make many unwise decisions that could cause them harm and parents need to protect them, the methods used will depend on the child and the situation.

Comments like this ignore the way in which people do both things - teach their children with love and respect AND ensure their safety when they are too young to consistently behave safely.

I didn't need reins with my older two, they were biddable and didn't run off. My third child wouldn't hold my hand and constantly tried to run away so I used reins. Turned out he was deaf and had a language delay and autism.

My reins incident was in France (where I will never take my autistic child again due to public judgement) and a woman told me I was treating him like a dog. I laughed - her three year old was in a buggy drinking out of an actual baby bottle, it was quite brilliant hypocrisy.

Of course we all parent differently. Some parents encourage kids to climb trees / some don’t for fear of safety/injury. It’s up to you how you choose to bring up your kids.

You’re quite right I didn’t trust my three year old to be safe! She used to run about all the time. You don’t have freedom around the road, you must stay on the pavement.

You weren't "shamed" (or at least shouldn't have felt so). Some busybody spoke out of turn. The shame is hers. We have no business criticising strangers peacefully going about their day-to-day business.

Um no, I would say no and take my child away. In that answer ok with you?

They have agency right up until they run in front of a car or bus.

The only mistake you've made is to let the stupid comments from some random Italian young lady bother you.

You're your child’s mother. Not her. You decide what's best for you and your child.

She was rude and really you should have told her that. I would have.

I used reins for my eldest child. She was a bolter (later diagnosed with ADHD). It kept her safe. She loved her reins as they were cute ones with a little cuddly animal backpack.

Using them was good parenting. Just like your sensible parenting choice.

I used reins with my DD in very busy or unsafe spaces such as walking on footpaths near water or at the coast on piers etc. Ignore her and do what you need to do to ensure you feel comfortable that your child is safe.

Have you ever seen a child jump in front of a car or bus? I haven’t in my 34 years on this planet.

Yes it is but no need to check if its ok, I am not the Queen of MN
Or am I? 😏

Good god, children do run under cars and actually get killed. What a thing to say.

And I hope you never do.
I have never seen one "Jump" but I have seen a few run into the road, and have in fact almost hit one that ran in front of me. Perhaps the Parent felt giving their child Agency was more important than keeping them alive?

Of course reins are fine. Better that than a dead child!
But a ‘ruined’ day and crying over a stranger’s comment? You need to toughen up OP. You will have many more of those on your parenting journey

My child ran in front of a car and was hit. It happens.

Mine wore reins and then moved onto high vis jackets (builder style) at parks or on holidays so I could see them when they run off. No shame.

I have seen children being stopped just in time by grey-faced parents running down the pavement after them. I have myself stopped a child running out of a park gate onto an A-road with the mother running screaming after them.

In reality, for responsible parents, the choice is often not reins or walk beside me, it is reins or in the buggy you go. I have used reins as an alternative to the buggy in many situations with both my DC. Surely it's best that children are getting exercise.

Should we wrap them up in cotton wool too? Keep them home in case they catch a virus? Don’t let them on a climbing frame in case they jump off and break a leg? There are dangers all around us - sometimes bad things happen. I refuse to walk my child on a lead in case of the teeniest tiniest chance they run off.

How awful and scary for you

I am a responsible parent and my children walk beside me ‘unreined’ 😆 The fact you consider normal walking without a lead irresponsible parenting is bizarre.

Maybe don’t let your kids of the house at all in case something shudder bad happens!

You've clearly never had a bolter. With some children, it isn't a teeny chance, it is almost guaranteed.

DS is now a young adult - BUT - there was a period of a few months when he was maybe 2 or 3 ish when there was no other option when we went out.

They’re absolutely fine to use, the period of time you need them won’t be for long, it’s a safety issue plain and simple.

As PPs have said, ignore anyone who has an opinion, your child - your choice