Shamed for reigns on toddler

[Han1989]

Hello, this is my first post on Mumsnet but I'm looking for opinions on this topic. I have a very active 2 year old who runs away very quickly, enjoys exploring on her own and loves being chased. I usually let her walk holding my hand or on her own if it's in a safe area (no roads etc) however we recently took a short trip to Venice, and as I was anxious about crowds, all the canals etc I got some reigns (the backpack ones with wings which my daughter loves). Playing in a square one afternoon I was confronted by a young Italian woman claiming to be a teacher and giving her opinion that I am treating my child like an animal. I was very taken a back and left the situation, where I became very upset to the point of crying. I genuinely feel I do everything for my child's best interest and to be shamed like this in public whilst on holiday was very distressing. Can anyone give any insight, are reigns really that bad? Please no negative comments, my daughter has a great life and runs freely outside every day.

Honestly, it completely depends on the child/circumstances. I was open to using reins with my oldest 2 (I bought some in anticipation) but didn't feel the need, however my nephew absolutely needs them as he's such a bolter (mine never were).
I still haven't thrown out our reins as I have a younger DC (not yet walking) and I'm under no illusion that I've simply been lucky not to have bolters (yet?!)... Plus circumstances are a big factor... e.g. we don't often walk along busy roads or in crowded places for very long, so the requirement to firmly hold a hand was/is quite short lived; I think compliance might have started to be an issue if they had to hold a hand for longer.

OP - never feel bad for parenting your child in the way that you know is best. The first thought that came to my mind was that you would potentially have felt shamed even more if you'd lost your child or she'd fallen into a canal because you'd not taken the protective measures that you know are necessary based on your experience with your child. The other thought that crossed my mind was that children who grow up in Venice probably have it drilled into them to stay away from the waters edge and to stick by their parents in the crowds... but a non native child isn't going to have the same instincts. The young woman was probably naive and hadn't thought about those factors.

Edit to add - I'm pretty sure that even though I didn't usually use reins, I'd have used them (or certainly have taken them just in case) if we visited Venice when my older two were toddlers... it's a beautiful place, but risky (for a small child) too!

I think, like PP, that it is culturally specific. I'd never even heard of reins until a few years ago and the first time I did, I found the whole concept super strange. And I wouldn't be comfortable using them for my own children. But, the lady was super rude. Not her place to have an opinion on this so long as your child is safe.

This said I also find weird the people shaming her for smoking in front of a child. Do you expect parents to stop smoking when they have DC ? Presumably they were outdoors so any residual smoke would be negligible ?

They're not super common, so it's understandable some people are shocked by their use. I've not used them, but I considered them for my now 3 y/o who would run away very quickly and it was rather scary in crowded places or when safety around vehicles was an issue. I like the tether idea (waist to waist) where you're connected to each other because I also worry about abduction, but I struggle with anxiety. I wouldn't judge someone using them, I've seen it, and would just think they're being careful because they've got a runner. 😂 🏃‍♀️‍➡️

Someone rudely made the dog comment to my mum. She tartly replied "Well, you put your dog on a lead to keep it safe. Do you value your dog's safety more than your child's?"

Reins are great. I used them for both my children and my mum used them for me. They are a safety device and anyone shaming you for using them is a total cunt. You really need to trust your own judgement and ignore meddling wankers. Some people don’t like reins - they don’t have to use them on their own kid - but some people are just straight up bullies, like this woman you encountered.

Of course they can understand road safety. My 3yo absolutely knows to stick to the pavement and road = scary cars.

Let’s be real - kids aren’t constantly running into roads and being run over. The vast majority of people don’t use reins and their children aren’t being killed on the roads. Most people use hand-holding / restraining.

You do you. People can use them or not. But this is an opinion forum and the OP asked for opinions. I am allowed mine and clearly my view is one that is commonly held in real life, just perhaps not on this thread.

And as you’ve been told it only takes a second to be distracted.

Ignore her. Maybe it's cultural. Maybe she's never seen a child on reins before. All kids are different as are all parents. My oldest was a runner and I had a few mobility issues after birth. She had to be on reins. It wouldn't have been safe otherwise. She was quicker than me and I absolutely wouldnt have been able to run if she was in danger. You do what you do. I'm sure she was well meaning but she doesn't know you, she doesn't know your kid and frankly she can shut the fuck up.

I wore reins as a kid, and my kids wore reins. None of us ran into the road, fell into a canal, or got into any trouble whatsoever because we were safely tethered to an adult. I wish people would use them these days. As for freedom for the child - To do what? Get lost in a crowd, get run over? Plenty of time for that when they’re older.

“This said I also find weird the people shaming her for smoking in front of a child. Do you expect parents to stop smoking when they have DC ?”

In answer to your question, yes @Maxorias.

In the UK smoking is very much frowned upon in general. It’s expected that you give up before you have kids. Like reins, it’s probably a cultural thing.

I think reins are good. They're for safety. Ignore her.

Young children can easily run off. I prefer safety.

Fuck that negative attitude! Woman if your child is a bloody runner then you get those damn reigns on her because there is absolutely no way you can be expected to watch her like a hawk, run like Usain Bolt and also be a sane person. 3 of mine have never ran and always listened and I could take them abroad with zero worries but Christ my 4th child would give Usain Bolt a run for his money even as a toddler. There’s no way I would be risking the safety of my child especially in a Foreign country.

that person pointing it out to you on holiday has clearly not been blessed with the joys of having the next Olympic gold medalist for both the sprint and the marathon!

Thanks for all the responses! Has reassured me a lot that I did the right thing for my child. She is at the stage where she does not want to hold my hand all the time and forcefully pulls away.... definitely not safe near the canals. Thankyou everyone for your opinions,

You absolutely did the right thing. Young children run off.

Remember when james bulgers mum let go of his hand just to get her purse.

In five seconds he ran off.

And he was abducted and murdered. That's absolute worse case scenario
But anything can happen if they run off. They could fall , get hit by a car, fall into water.

Reins are a great idea.

I prefer the wrist straps as they are like an extension of holding hands. Reins have been used for decades. I think they're a good balance between allowing a child to explore and not allowing them to run off into traffic/a crowd/a pond/a big dog etc. I think the the people who dislike them must either only have one child, know lots of enclosed quiet enclosed places or prefer to strap their child into a buggy for hours even though we know sitting for long periods can be damaging at all ages

It's easy to get distracted and that's all it takes.

I have a 2 year old and then 1 year old twins. If I'm out with them by myself and we're anywhere near roads, bodies of water etc the twins are in the pushchair and the 2 year old has reins.

If he bolted when I had my hands full with the twins, he'd be straight under a car and it isn't worth the risk just so I can say I never used reins. They are a safety device and I see little difference between them and restraining a toddler in a highchair or pushchair.

I was a bolter and an explorer and drove my mum mad in the 70s. She put me in reins. I grew up in Spain and reins are not a thing there and people would make the dog comment and my mum would turn round and say better live dog than dead kid. After a close encounter with a car with my 2 year old, she also went in reins when in the city. I got looks but no one said anything, actually being 5 10 and having a bitch resting face is a bonus sometimes :-)

I often think that children on reins have more freedom and look more comfortable than children who are holding hands all the time. Maybe it’s different for children, but I wouldn’t want one hand in the the air the whole time. I saw a TikTok where someone’s toddler had nursemaids elbow and their doctor suggested reins to avoid it in the future.

I used them on my daughter, she was a terrible bolter, and after a very close shave when she nearly ran in front of a car I found them invaluable, and I have recommended them to others. Take no notice of what other people say!

Use them/don't use them (personally I think they are a great idea) but they are spelt REINS...'reigns' is what the King is currently doing (and he's a bad idea).

Better a live dog than a dead kid, is a great saying!
That'll shut the judgers up.

Remember when james bulgers mum let go of his hand just to get her purse.
In five seconds he ran off.
And he was abducted and murdered
I got shot down for mentioning that earlier!!

Reins are fine. It is better than a child getting squashed by a bus or falling in a canal.

You do need to grow a very thick skin as a parent, it's really hard but you have to develop a strategy and a thick skin. So either ignore things like this - or if you can counter stupid comments with things like "oh, can you guarantee she won't go in the water?" or "it is none of your business"

Italy, though, is famous for being the entire village all the time. Children are like little gods there. Other places aren't as bad.

Yeah I'm not saying it was his mother's fault in any way. Of course not.

I'm just saying that toddlers run off. And if you're out and about in a cafe or shop, you are going to have to let go of their hand for a second to pay.

I think reins are a great Idea for young kids

that's your opinion.
I'd rather teach them - as op said she generally does - and then in places like Venice I'd rather have the extra security of reins.

OP - I've always been very gobby. If i had seen her smoking near her child i would have definitely said something along the lines of reins being safety to prevent accidents but smoking is a killer. But not everyone is as shameless and gobby as me.