Shamed for reigns on toddler

[Han1989]

Hello, this is my first post on Mumsnet but I'm looking for opinions on this topic. I have a very active 2 year old who runs away very quickly, enjoys exploring on her own and loves being chased. I usually let her walk holding my hand or on her own if it's in a safe area (no roads etc) however we recently took a short trip to Venice, and as I was anxious about crowds, all the canals etc I got some reigns (the backpack ones with wings which my daughter loves). Playing in a square one afternoon I was confronted by a young Italian woman claiming to be a teacher and giving her opinion that I am treating my child like an animal. I was very taken a back and left the situation, where I became very upset to the point of crying. I genuinely feel I do everything for my child's best interest and to be shamed like this in public whilst on holiday was very distressing. Can anyone give any insight, are reigns really that bad? Please no negative comments, my daughter has a great life and runs freely outside every day.

I am so sorry that you were upset by these comments. Reins are an excellent idea and I feel sorry that more people don’t use them, especially in crowded or dangerous areas… such as near canals! Take no notice of this ignorant woman. Your child, your decision!

I have been told by two different French women while on holiday in recent years that my children were either too hot or cold. They weren't too hot or too cold and I knew what I was doing with my own children. Would never occur to me to tell a stranger my unasked for thoughts on her children, unless they were in danger. The British way of not commenting, but judging silently, is what I'm used to. I laugh about these comments I received. And look forward to more comments this summer.

Don't stress.

Same. My DD was a super fast runner - remember husband chasing her down from a wedding as she hurtled out the open doored hotel towards a main A road laughing her head off like a deranged Dame Kelly Holmes (just turned 3).

sorry - reins!!

YANBU. Reins are fab. I don’t know why some people get weird about that kind of thing. When my ds2 was 3ish and I was trying to phase out the pushchair, he’d go on his scooter for the school run. It’s a 20 minute walk so I bought one of those scooter straps and pulled him along when he got tired. The comments I used to get about it were so weird!

I don't think reigns are commonly used in other countries. They are very much a British thing in my experience, and when you're not used to seeing them it does indeed look very odd! When I first moved to the UK I was (silently) surprised by kids on reigns - it's not a thing where I come from, and it seems weird. We just hold kids hands, I don't know why that doesn't work for everyone, but it doesn't and who cares. The lady was rude to comment, but reins on kids are surprising to many people

Argh, reins not reigns!!

Just to add, reins that go fully across the chest like a harness (with or without built-in backpack) are so much better than wrist straps, for two reasons:
If the child stumbles and you are holding chest reins, you actually hold them up and stop their hands getting grazed or cut from falling.
If you have just a wrist strap and the child bolts, or deliberately pulls away in a tantrum, they are wrenching their shoulder and/or wrist joints. Chest reins don't cause damage to arms.

And yet we all knew what she meant.

Yes I know it’s my opinion 🤣 you do know we’re on Mumsnet right?

Yeah I'm not saying it was his mother's fault in any way. Of course not.
I'm just saying that toddlers run off. And if you're out and about in a cafe or shop, you are going to have to let go of their hand for a second to pay.
I think reins are a great Idea for young kids
I absolutely agree with you!
Ds1 ran off across the park when someone stopped to ask me directions once. Another time he went missing in c and A while I was looking for a blouse. After this reins became a godsend!

I think the words 'fuck off' are universally understood in any language.

She also sounds like a woman who has never had her own two year old.

I used to look down on people who let Dc eat sweets before I had my own. I also believed I wouldn’t buy gender- stereotypical toys - until I had Dc absorbed by the stereotype and completely disinterested in toys traditionally for the other sex.

Theory and practice are two different things, it’s just that those with sufficient knowledge of the practice understand the answers aren’t all simple. The theorists, on the other hand, tend to feel very confident because an untried theory never misbehaves or runs away from them.

Yes! I live in Germany and I had so many awful looks. Two men literally pointed and burst into laughter at us. In front of everyone. It was awful and I was so unbelievably embarrassed. I never used them again in Europe. However, when I used them in England I never experienced anything remotely similar. Nobody cared. I even remember my parents using some with me when I was a toddler.

Dogs or kids are at as much risk as each other if they run into a road, and both are able to do so in the blink of an eye.

@Han1989 the only response to someone as rude as this is to say, "thanks for your opinion, it was not asked for, nor required. my child, my responsibility. None of your business either way."

I had some as a toddler but my mum was a bit hesitant and never used them. I desperately wanted her to as I thought they were great! I felt like a pony and thought it was fun. I’m sure the Venetian advisor could have a field day with that!

this was also my first thought 😆

I think it’s cultural

We live Central Europe, not far from Italy either. I don’t think I have ever seen a child on reins here, and never seen any for sale.

We have travelled around the local countries with Ds as baby and toddler, and they don’t have them either. They only place I have seen used was in England.

Dogs or kids are at as much risk as each other if they run into a road, and both are able to do so in the blink of an eye
it's not only roads, it's canals, shopping malls, farmers markets, festivals etc. Anywhere where toddlers can give you the slip.
As I said before it gives a child a sense of independence where they can explore but are safe.

They're an important safety device in our culture where one adult is often in charge of multiple children.

I had my eldest on reins last summer. I had my newborn and just turned 2 year old in the double pram and my eldest who was 3.5 years old on the buggy board. We were on a long day out with friends near a lake and a busy road, I couldn't risk him deciding he was going to get off the buggy board and make a break for it as I would have had to leave my other two in the pram to run after him.

I didn't use them the whole day, just for the high risk parts of the day and I took them off at appropriate times where I judged it safe for him to explore so he could play with his friends. He also understood that if he didn't listen to me and tried to run off at any point that I would put the reins back on. He was completely unbothered by wearing them and understood why they were needed at that age too.

The irony was I had three children to handle solo and the friends we went with had just one child each the same age as my eldest. But they were the ones struggling as their children kept running off and they had no way of stopping them. We might think they're "grown up" at 3.5 but they are still little, have a limited grasp on the dangers around them or to think logically. So they need us to act to keep them safe and sometimes that means reins.

Nobody has ever made a comment to me about them and if they did they would wish they hadn't! I do however get plenty of comments along the lines of "you've got your hands full", I certainly do so I make sure I can keep them all safe.

I also always keep a pair in the back of the car for unforeseen situations where I might need them and in case the car were to break down and I needed to keep multiple children from running into a road while we waited for breakdown assistance.

How many of us wore reins as toddlers and are traumatised from it, I would guess we are all just fine and importantly alive and well!

Ignore that woman, she doesn't live your life. Safety first, always.

That's interesting, thanks for clarifying that.
Do people actually do it ? I don't smoke myself but I know people who do - and are struggling to stop. Obviously you generally wouldn't smoke indoors. And of course it's generally better not to smoke, but that's for your own health, not the kids. How do they manage to stop ?
Is there a specific reason ? Is it because people are worried about the smoke, or are they worried about showing children a bad exemple ? When are parents "allowed" to smoke again ? When the kids are older ? When they've left home ?
Do people also expect parents to give up alcohol ? What about healthy living in general ?
I find it very interesting, the way certain things can be viewed in such a different way in different countries.

Sorry, bit of a derail here, but I found the question genuinely fascinating.

I’m from Liverpool.Reins for my children . Elder child would never hold hands. She would hold her own hands and bolt. She lives abroad and they frown on reins. I saw her daughter have a tantrum and lie down in the middle of a crossing of a very fast road and her pregnant mother had to lift her. I was too far away. Here in the uk I was filling in a form at the library for her brother. It was a difficult surname and the librarian was an exchange student and German. In those seconds to spell 8 letters he was down in the single lift into the multi storey underground car park and heading to the river. Massive search and a workman had found him and brought him back . Actually I’m crying writing this remembering. He’s made it to 17 so far.

They are a very valid tool for keeping your kid safe. A lot of the parenting journey is about keeping them safe in public: put them in a pram to keep them safe, put them in a car seat to keep them safe in a car, put them in a high chair to keep them safe while eating, put them on a changing table to keep them safe while changing. Reigns are another type of container designed to keep children safe, if anything they offer a lot more freedom than those other options. Perhaps the optics aren’t great, but who cares.

I had a kid who needed reigns. An escape artist. A “im
going to look at that over there with or without adult supervision” child. Unfortunately, she did not want reigns and as soon as I put them on her she would hang limply in protest so I had to string her up like a puppet. Try to not feel judged when that’s happening! I spent a lot of time running once she learned to walk…

I think they're fine. My sister had them for her kids.
However, people from other countries are often quite shocked that the Brits use them.
My partner is french and he couldn't believe his eyes the first time he saw someone using them!
And no one in France uses them.

Italians are very overprotective of their kids. I took DD1 to family in Italy when she was one, weather was high 20s so she had legless play suit on, factor 50 and was in a buggy with sun hat and parasol, the number of Italians who chastised because she would catch cold 😂.
Would they prefer she fell in a canal?
High on my list of parental lessons to learn is to not give a f. Your child, your choice.