Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

can you use another name? Pops? that sort of thing

OP you are being unreasonable, had it been YOUR mum's partner that was saying I'm grandad I would 100% get it, my own dad has passed away and I have had another child so I get the bitterness of the child and grandad not having a relationship/knowing each other it's absolutely heart breaking tbh so I do get it, but I don't get this weird problem with your partners family being an issue? Do you feel that your partners step dad has tried to 'replace' your own father? Because it makes zero sense as he isn't on your side of the family it doesn't matter. You just tell your son how he has 3 grandad's, 2 on your partners side and YOUR dad xxx

OP, my last biological grandparent died when I was a baby, my maternal grandmother. She was survived by her "lodger" (polite way of saying boyfriend back then), who lived with us.
I loved him with all my heart. He'd spend hours every night reading to me, leaving me with a life-long love of reading.
Please don't try and keep love away from your child.

I can understand your sadness at your own dad not being around, my father died when I was in my early 20’s and it breaks my heart that he never met my children.

I have a step dad who married my mum, 5 years after my dad passed. He is the only grand dad my children know and he adores both my children to bits. They also have a grand dad on their dad’s side. While I feel sad my kids didn’t meet my real dad I know my step dad loves my kids and would do anything for them. I would never take that away from him. I have now told my daughter about my real dad as she is 8 and old enough to understand. My son is only 4 and I am still to tell him. Grief is difficult but please don’t let it cloud your judgement. Your child is blessed to have so many grandparents who want to be an active part of his life. There is no harm done by it.

If your partners dads wife can’t be called nanny, then partners mums husband shouldn’t be called grandad, it’s not fair to her.

But l think they should all just be given the honour if they love your child and will be in your ds life, l like the suggestion of nana name and grandad name.

l also like the post that says what would your dad say about this. I am sorry for your loss and understand why this is a struggle for you, missing someone creeps up in many forms.

If your partner has dumped it on you to deal with that says a lot

so if he won’t I would send them both a text saying you are very upset that the stepfather wants to call himself grandad when he has no biological link and that role is your fathers. After all I assume you will talk about your father at some point to your child.

Then I would say that you wish themto follow. your partners fathers example. Step mum is called by her name and the same applies to step dad

But longer term I would be worried your partner doesn’t have your back

Kindly, you are being unfair to your partner's side.

My dad died while I was pregnant with my first baby; I realised too late so he didn't even know he was going to be a grandfather. It was absolutely gutting.

It still would have been grossly unfair of me to be upset by or bitter that my husband's dad got to be a delighted 'grandpa' while mine didn't.

If your partner is happy that his stepfather wants to be 'grandpa', which I think he is as he's not willing to say anything himself as he knows you're being unreasonable but trying to be supportive of you, then you need to let this go.

I hope you are able to get some more counselling and find some peace. I still miss my dad terribly some 20 years later, but I know how much he would have loved and been so proud of my children, his grandchildren.

My step nan, now dead many years, was the one I'd choose above the biological one I also had on my father's side. My biological maternal grandmother died before I was born (my mum had dearly loved her mother, but wanted me to have all the family I could who loved me).

Your child is an individual and it's good to realise they will have relationship perspectives with family that are independent of yours and this is healthy (unless his Grandad actually does something wrong!).

In summary, your child will be an adult longer than they are your child - let them have space to enjoy their family and the love that comes with it.

We have blended family member my parents divorced when I was a teenager. Our kids have a Nana, Grandma, Nanny, Grandy. Then a Grandpa, Grandad and Pops.
The Step Parents were around before my children were born but from when I was an adult so they never ‘parented’ me however they all enjoy spending time with the children. My siblings (and step siblings) children’s use similar names except for their other set, they say Grandad Fred and Grandad George for example rather then Grandpa/Grandad.
Its trickier for you because you’ve set a precedent for one of the adults to be called their given name rather then a title so logically the partner calling himself Grandad should also be called by his first name but it really depends how much he is going to see the baby/spend time with him.
My parents/step parents would be gutted to be called by their first name by any of the children, step grandchildren or biological ones. They are all treated the same.

Both my parents and my husbands parents are divorced. My step dad is grandad, so Is my dad and so is my husbands step dad. Surely the more people who step up, get involved and love your child is the most important thing. You shouldn’t resent him for this. Think how it could otherwise be.

Yabu!!! Why are you depriving your child of grandparents because your dad died. I actually think you would be really cruel to say something as they are not purposely doing anything wrong.

I think it’s lovely for your child to be able to have someone else to call grandpa. My kids call my stepdad grandpa, and my mum is dead. The more grandparents they have the better, as my inlaws are both dead too. They have two grandpas, one blood, one step. The latter is far more involved.

This is a lovely thing for your child.

OP I think the main emotion here is that you feel sad that your son didn't get to meet his real grandad. Take it as this, that your partner's stepdad loves him so much and will play the grandad role so that your son won't miss out on that. You're also newly postpartum so might also be feeling a heightened level of emotional sensitivity. I would highly recommend you going to some therapy to work through those feelings. Your dp's mother and stepdad mean we'll I promise. Your son will grow up to see that he is loved by family xx

My dad died a month before my oldest was born and I am now a mom of 2 kids aged 6 and 3. They call my mom’s husband grandpa, he is their only one, as my husband doesn’t really have parents (it’s complicated). I felt a twinge of discomfort and emotional pain when they first started to call him grandpa. Now with a bit more time, I am able to separate missing my dad from my stepdad. The oldest is able to understand the family setup, and I have started to tell her stories about my dad.
you really can’t have too many people loving your kids. It’s so much better than them be disinterested. Let yourself feel your feelings, they can’t be “wrong” but try to let him have this, take it as the huge compliment that it is. x

Sorry OP i've read some of your other replies. Why does your dp's mum not want your dp's stepmum to also be called nanny. If dp has his dad around then that is his grandad then so it would be appropriate not mandatory for stepdad to have a different kind of name. If not then your dp's stepmum should also be called nanny and your MIL should see that as fair no?

you really can’t have too many people loving your kids.

I think posters are guilt tripping the OP by all this step- "grandad" loves your son stuff.

Where's the evidence of that? The tacky t-shirts? - that is all about about step "grandfather's" ego.

I think I see where you are coming from. So the step mum isn't nan because both nans are alive but stepdad can be grandad because there is one missing? I think that's really sad and Its not up to your MIL to decide this.

Would your dad have been called grandad? If so maybe the stepdad needs a different name and so does the step mum? It doesn't sound fair noone spoke to you about any of this...

I VERY strongly disagree with previous posters. I doubt many who have commented are in this actual situation.

My husband and I’s step parents are known by their names to my son. They are not his grandparents.

Does your husband call his step dad “Dad” or “David”…if he doesn’t call him Dad then why would your children call him Grandad?

My MIL is on her 3rd marriage & my Dad’s on his 4th. My sons head would spinning if he called every partner of our parents Grandad/Grandma 😬

STOP!. it takes a village to raise a child. Be grateful to those who love and are there for your child. Some of us don't have that!. Isn't it good to have a grandad?

Also you can love a child without needing to be called “Grandad” in return. OP isn’t asking the man to stop loving her child!

Oh my god! My nan had a lodger when I was little. Stan, I clearly remember him and he left my DB his Rolex watch when he died. I have never considered why we were all so close to her lodger and why he was considered family until reading your post.

I just called my DM and asked her if Stan was actually nan’s boyfriend all those years ago and she just laughed and said of course he was! How could I have not realised this till now?! 😂

I think it depends on the relationship your DP has with his stepfather.
Is it a clear father-son relationship? Where the stepfather will be closely involved with your child’s life?
My DH’s parents were never actually in a relationship. They were teenagers when DH was born but have co-parented extremely well his entire life. Both remarried and had further children with their respective spouses.
My DC’s never got to meet my MIL’s DH as he passed away, but they call FIL’s wife Grandma, even though DH doesn’t call her Mum 🤷🏻‍♀️ She does all the things a biological grandparent would do and has the relationship a biological grandparent would have 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with both of you. If step "grandfather" loves OP's child why is he insisting on this validation when the child is only 3 months old?

Maybe it will come naturally anyway when the child is old enough.

Please don't try and keep love away from your child.

She isn't doing that. What she's not doing is massaging step "grandfather's" ego. If step "grandfather's" love is conditional on getting that title it's not worth having.

The issue is her DH's father is alive so he does have a grandad. He also remarried yet OP's mother in law doesn't want the stepmother of her son to be called nanny, how is that fair?