Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

I'm very sorry you lost your dad.
Do you think this is maybe less about the stepdad being called granddad and more about your dad never having the chance to be granddad?
I'm glad you're having grief counselling and hope it helps.
My mum's dad passed away while she was pregnant with me so I never met him. We talked about 'grampy in heaven' so he still had a place in my life. I also had a living granddad for many years.
Your baby is so lucky to have so many people who love them. ❤️

I think he’s probably used grandad to be different from your partner’s biological dad. I am so sorry about your dad but I think this might be something you need to work on internally - but I do agree that they could have been more sensitive knowing your dad has passed away. Could you get your partner to try and gently explain to his mum so they can rein it in a bit?

I'm sure you wouldn't try to stop DP's bio dad being called Grandad, so that means that your problem is with the stepdad assuming the role of father, and that's just not your fight to have.

It's completely understandable - you're grieving, and the grief is coming out in odd ways as it so often does.

Hopefully once you have seen it for what it is, your mind will be able to separate out the two things again.

(That doesn't mean that you won't still be annoyed at the stepdad vs real dad thing for your own reasons, but you'll have to acknowledge that it's DP's choice to accept it or not.)

Think less about the names and the wonderful support system you have around you as you bring up this child.

It'll be hard if you're grieving your dad - which this sort of event will no doubt bring sadness for you with your memories.
Your dad would want you to be happy with the life you have, don't let a name spoil it.

Presumably as both were alive??

It's OP's baby, that's what it's got to do with her. He isn't the paternal grandfather. OP's partner's dad is the paternal grandfather not his step-dad.

OP's MIL has said that OP's partner's dad's wife can't be called nanny/nana and should only be called by her first name. What's it got to do with her?

YTA, but a grieving one (if your partner has a good relationship with his step dad). And you defo need help with your grief. Wouldn’t be surprised if there was PND in there.

I never let my father in law, he died of a heart attack. My husband never dictated that my dad couldn’t be called grandad. If he did I would have told him exactly where to go. Sounds like your husband needs to step up and defend his family to you. If he’s got a good relationship with his step dad, why wouldn’t he be classed as grandad.

I understand how you feel and it's entirely up to you as the parent.

I was never allowed to be grandmother to my stepdaughter's child. I'd been married to my husband for 6 yrs when the child was born. In our case, both the child's grandmothers were very much alive. My husband was the child's only living grandfather.

My husband found out after the fact that all of his ex's partners had been allowed to be grandad. He found that quite hurtful, since his suggestion that I be an 'honorary aunty' was knocked back. (No, I wasn't the OW - the ex had acquired an affair partner at work, but I'm fairly certain that she span another tale.) I was always just called by my name.

So far as I can see, you're being entirely equitable.

I was taken aback when the grandchild's first step-grandad died...my stepdaughter's partner had the audacity to complain to me that the deceased should have left some money to the grandchild, since they "called [Name] 'Grandad'". I remember thinking "Oh well...you'll not be expecting me to leave them anything, will you?"

In your case, you're treating everyone the same. However, don't be surprised if the wee one is affected by what others say - I'm 99 per cent certain that it was my husband's ex who kept referring to her partners as '"Grandad" and the wee one just naturally copied what was heard.

As I said, it's your choice and I quite understand how you feel

Do you really think that OP is expecting to inherit from her partner's step-dad's will? What an odd thing to say.

Haven’t RTFT but I see from this why you are upset. It’s like his mum has decided there’s a “spare” grandad slot for her partner to take. I think your partner needs to also be trying to make things fair for each of his parents partners and should be saying to his mum that your son does have two grandfathers even if one is no longer alive and if she wants her partner to be a third then your dad’s partner should also be a third grandmother!

I think your MIL is being very insensitive. Slogan t-shirts are also really naff. I would refer to your partner's stepdad as 'Grandad Jim' or whatever his name is and hope they take the hint.

I don't think that the OP expects it, but some do.

As I've indicated in m pp, I found out that that was very much in the mind of my step-grandchild's parents. The child's father complained to me when the step-grandfather left all of his money to my stepdaughter's mother and nothing for the grandchild. (He had drunk quite a lot, as I recall, but I was still taken aback.)

After my husband died - my stepdaughter (who had always kept her distance) started talking about how I was "family" and how much they loved me and talked about arranging my funeral for me. I had never heard any of this in the 27 yrs that I was married to her father.

Given what happened when her mother's affair partner died, and some other things that happened over the years, I admit that I viewed those comments with some cynicism.

So - unfortunately - inheritance weighs very much on the mind of some people. That's not what is at play here though - the OP is grieving for her parent.

OP, it’s too late now, but you should have let them know what they would be called before you had the baby. I’m a mother and a stepmother - I’m Grandma to my DGC and Grandma Sesquipedalian to my step grandchildren, at my stepchildren’s request. One set of them have four sets of GPs through divorce and remarriage, and they are all called something slightly different - think Nanny(dog’s name) and Nana (her name) etc. OP, I am sure your Partner’s stepdad in no way wants to diminish what would have been your father’s status, so you will have to think of something else to call him, even if it’s just adding his name to “Grandad”. Be pleased that he is so interested in your LO - babies and children need all the love they can get, and it’s nice to know that he is so firmly on his step grandson’s side - there are many step parents, particularly stepfathers, who would not be interested.

Are their other names that signify an important person you would be happy with?

Granddad
Grandpa
Grand Pop
Gramps

But their are some fab European names too?

Or adding a name to it so, your dad is "Granddad" but he is "Granddad John" which is a bit watered down?

I think grief and post pregnancy hormones will be raging and so some of this will be that but I too feel certain people get certain names. But you're not wrong on feeling what you're feeling.

Mum would never let me call my Nans partner anything but Phil (her dad was alive) but I let my son call him granddad Phil out of respect.

But as a child I didn't like anyone having the same name and would correct people if they said the wrong name innocuously.

I think give yourself time to heal and know what you want before you broach it.

I do think it depends how long they've been in the partners life which would influence this as well as personal preference.

Be kind lovely, to yourself most of all. My little man is almost 8 and I'm still a bit heartbroken he never got to meet Great Grandpop (my closest) and I'd be livid if someone else tried to commondear that name!

Hugs x

Everyone else on Mumsnet: step parent/grandparent is excluding my child!

OP: step grandparent is treating my child as their own and I don’t like it!

Kindly, YABU. As someone whose child has only one living grandparent I would love to have extra people coming forward saying they love my child enough to want to treat them as their own grandchild. For your child to be surrounded by such love is an amazing thing. You are making this about you and your grief instead of seeing the positives.

Think you need to seek help this is a very dramatic and entitled attitude

No he doesn't. He doesn't have a right to be called Grandad. He didn't raise the OP. It's her mother's partner - there is no biological link to the baby.

I think your mother and her partner are being incredibly insensitive. 3 years is not long to have lost a parent at a young age. You have accepted your mum's new partner, but they should have becoming a parent would sparked sadness about loosing your Dad.

They should have waited for your lead, let you come up with want you want him called. It's a shame your DH passed the ball back to you because it would have helpful and less combative if he had a quiet word with them.

This isn't about you or your Dad, it's about how your partner sees his relationship with his stepdad.

If he wasn't comfortable with it, then it would be a different issue.

As PPs have said, children have more than one Granddad and it doesn't diminish your Dad's memory at all.

I'm sorry you are so influenced by your own feelings and emotions that you can't see the benefits for your son in having multiple people loving him, because their original marriage didn't survive and found happiness with other partners.

One of my dearest friends is a step grandmother and loves all her grandchildren, biological and step, equally. Her house is a mess but she couldn't be happier. Her DILs, with children from their first marriage, adore her because she's never made a difference between the kids. She gives them love and tells them off without discrimination.

Seriously, this is not about you. It's about your child. A child doesn't care if lovely grandpa is biological or step as long as they love him and feels safe with them.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It obviously hurts a lot for you, missing him getting to have the grandparents relationship.
I do unfortunately think you are being unreasonable, if your partner has a good relationship with his stepdad and wants him to have a grandparent role that's completely reasonable and will benefit your child.

I've told part of my experience above.

When the grandchild was about 9 or 10, they turned to me and said "What relation are you to me?"

I was astonished that they hadn't figured it out - this was a reasonably bright child - and as I've said previously, the grandmother's partner (who only stayed over when the kids visited) was 'Grandad'.

"Well, I'm married to your grandfather, so that makes me your step-grandmother."

"Is that like half a gran?"

"I suppose you could call it that..."

"I've got two-and-a-half-grans!"

Nevertheless, I was never called 'Gran' or 'Stepgran'. The next Christmas card we got had 'Grandad and Aunty Weary' on it. That was obviously prompted by the mother, since 'Aunty' had been my husband's suggestion 10 yrs previously when his daughter had vetoed a grandmotherly type title.

I think if you fully want your son accepted and loved then this is a nice thing. I understand your feelings about your father, I too have lost both parents and my husbands parents are divorced with new partners - but my children call them Nan and grandad because they are loved by them and love them. It’s just more people to love your kids in my opinion and with your son being so young, it means he won’t miss out on the grandfather love. Personal opinion of course

The slogan t- shirts are dreadful. I don't think OP is being unreasonable but the t-shirts are the clincher.

i think itnis so lively he wants to be family and live your son. that doesn’t mitigate your pain and I am so sorry for your loss, but it is nice for your mil husband to add love and connection. opposing tbis wont help the grief you feel.

Don’t say anything as that would hurt a lot of feelings

“grandad” is trying to be loving and inclusive

my babies have no grandad id give anything to have a grandad figure

but you are not wrong to be grieving just don’t take your grief out on others who are trying to be nice