Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

I hear you. It sounds like you are still in the thick of grief for your dad. I'm an adult orphan and my husband lost his dad so our kids only living grandparent is my mother in law. So we call her husband, my husband's step dad Grandad. I'm just glad the kids have any notion of grand parents.
Be kind to yourself and accept that these feelings might be renewed grief showing itself. Big hugs

Be grateful that your son has another person in their lives who love them.
He is their grandad, step-grandad. Will you force them to call him "step".
They've done nothing wrong.

My DHs parents are both dead, and so is my Dad.

My Dad never met our child. The only grandparent figures my child has are my Mum and step-dad. I'm delighted that my step-dad wants to be known as Grandad. My child is aware that he isn't my actual Dad.

However, my Dad DID meet my sibling's baby who was a few months old when he died. My sibling felt much more like you and they call step-dad by his first name.

I don't think there's really a right or wrong but personally I think, what's the harm? SD obviously loves your child and everyone knows he's not your Dad.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Personally I don’t think he has an entitlement to be called Grandpa
Legally he is not the grandfather,and they aren’t even married
People can do it if they want,but I wouldnt

You can’t stop him calling himself what he wants ,but if I was you I would use his name

Could you come up with a nickname that is affectionate but not grandad? My step dad is called Gigi by my kids which is a slight variation on his actual name too

OP, I've posted a few times because this resonates with me. However, I'll state that your partner's stepdad was wrong to wear the t-shirt and to expect to be 'Grandad'. The nomenclature has to be led by you and your partner and you're not obliged to allow the stepdad to be 'Grandad'.

If you've read any of my posts, you'll realise that I'm torn because of my own experience. However, your partner's mum and partner were absolutely wrong to push this.

The main issue in my case was that my late husband was hurt by the inequity of the situation. There is no inequity in your case.

I'd say that the 'Grandad Joe' or 'Gramps' suggestion made by some posters is a good one, but this has to be led by you and you and your partner have the final say.

Kids can have loads of grandparents. I know a family where, due to complicated circumstances, the kids have 9 grandparents, all called grandad or grandma surname. They are not all biologically related but all have a relationship with the kids, give them presents etc.

It is counterproductive to dictate that because your son can't have your dad as a grandad, he can't have any grandad. Be happy that this man is welcoming your baby and treating him like a member of his family.

As above, people are rightly put out when grandparents don't treat step grandchildren the same as biological ones.

My mother in law died before the kids were born. They still know about her, and she is known as Nanny Firstname. Her husband (not related to us) is known as Grandad Firstname. FIL (Grandad Surname) has a wife (married since DH was adult). The kids know she's not biologically related but call her Nanny Firstname. My parents are known as Grandma and Granddad Surname. There's no problem. Everyone knows who everyone is.

My husband's parents have split up so we have granny and Papa john, grandpa and partners name however I found in the end my son came up with names for them.

so we have cat granny and Papa John, the other set his dad well that's another story he's the other grandpa rarely see him and they dont have a relationship with my son.

How will you cope with the child calling him grandpa?

OP, I do understand where you are coming from as my DM died suddenly 20 months before DD1 came along. DM had always wanted to be called "Grandma Firstname", so we honoured that and that is how my now adult DDs refer to her. That meant that MiL could be "Grandma" and StepMiL who we saw very infrequently due to MiL's fruitloopery was called "Grandma Firstname". StepMiL was delighted to have a personal name from the DDs, MiL was delighted that she was "top dog" just being Grandma and everyone else breathed a sigh of relief.

DF always wanted to be Grandpa and FiL wanted to be Grandad so that was easy. MiL had never remarried or got another partner so we did not have the same issue. However, we did most of the naming before DD1 was born.

In your position, sit them down and say how much you love it that StepFiL wants to be involved but to save confusion for your DC, you would like him to have a special name e.g. Gramps, Papa, whatever as someone else is already Grandad.

A man wants to be a proper grandad to his stepsons baby and you think that’s wrong? So if the man had bio grandkids of his own aswell and refused to treat step-grandson as hie did his own bio grandkids what would you say? The amount of people who are having issues with SGP not treating GC the same as bio GC is crazy, yet here’s a man who’s even wearing a T-shirt to match one they got for the baby and OP doesn’t want him loving the child as if they were blood!! Baffling 🤨

yet here’s a man who’s even wearing a T-shirt to match one they got for the baby

The matching t-shirts are naff, performative and are all about step "grandfather's" feelings. They were done with no account taken of the OP's feelings. How is ordering a cheap sloganed t-shirt proof of anything?

Families are about a lot more than being blood relatives. My DC actually has 7 people in the grandma/grandad role due to my step parents and she loves them all equally.

I was adopted, so NONE of the GPs on my side are blood relatives of my DC (or me), does that mean we’re not family?

I get it, and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

It sounds like your DP is not prepared to say anything, so can you speak to stepdad and MIL and explain that your father’s death is still so painful and the ‘Grandad’ thing is making you sad, but you appreciate their support and would love to come up with another nickname for Stepdad.

Then choose something based on his name or hobby or as another poster suggested - their house - combined with a different form of ‘grandad’ title like Fishing Pops. Would that work?

Life is hard. Surround your child with love. If this man wants to step up and be a supporter of your little family, and if he’s someone you can rely on to be good to your child, then surely it is of the greatest benefit to you both to work with him not against him.

I would try to rationalise it along these lines:

Stepdad is not one Grandad of 2 (the place your father would have had).
He is either 1 of three, or he isn’t Grandad.
Your child will always have Grandad in heaven (or however you describe it) who was mummy’s dad and Grandad who is daddy’s dad. They may also have a third grandad who is actually daddy’s stepdad.

Whether daddy’s stepdad is also a grandad needs to be 100% based on your husband’s feelings about his stepdad. It’s nothing to do with replacing your father - it is whether your husband feels he played/plays a fatherly role (in addition to his biological father) or not.

He is not taking your dad’s place ever. He’s either an additional grandparent, or he is not. That’s not your choice, but it is also not his choice or your MIL’s choice. It’s dependent on your husband alone.

My mum is a stepmum. In relation to my half sibling’s children and their children, I am auntie, but she is not grandma. I am great auntie, but she is not great grandma. That choice wasn’t hers, or my father’s, it was my half sister’s, based on how she sees my mum. And it’s absolutely fine - it’s the norm for our family. In turn, my half sister’s husband (stepdad to her children) is grandad to the youngest step grandchild but not the older one (the grandchildren have different mums, who are sisters) again based on the different wishes of the mums. It’s all fine and no bad feeling washes around any of it.

YABU I think it's lovely his stepdad see's himself as his grandad. Your ds is too young to understand ATM. You can tell him about your dad when he's older. Let him make memories as his step grandad. Your lucky he wants to be involved.

My dad never got to be grandad to my kids so I was so happy that my first two at least get to experience having a grandad (dh’s dad). Your child will know him as his granny’s husband, he will be there for your child ergo he is ‘grandad’

YAB massively U OP. I come from a blended family and had many step grandparents who had a grandparent title. Most of the step ones treated me better than the biological one.

The more grandparents a child has the more love they get.

Im sorry to hear about your dad. But he can still be grandad too-you teach your boy about the amazing grandad he didn’t get to meet.

I lost my father before my children were born and I get the pain of knowing how much he would have loved to be their grandad. It doesn't go away, even now that they are teens - they love many of the things he loved.

But gently, yabu OP. Objecting to something which will likely mean that someone will be more involved and loving towards your children will not make your father come back, and will not take away the pain of your loss. You should foment as many relationships as possible for your children.

Ps make sure to have a few pics of your dad about so you can tell all about your dad (also grandad) x

My stepdad has always been grandad to my 2 DS, my dad who is no longer with us was also grandad, as was their dad's father. Isn't it better for children to have more grandads? My DS, who are now grown up, have never considered him less of a grandad because he is my stepdad.

I think you should welcome the fact that they obviously adore your son. Surely having doting grandparents is exactly what your dad would have wanted?

He is the kids grandad. He is with the grandma when the child is born, so he is grandad. he would be whether your dad was alive or not…you can have more than 2 sets of grandparents

this is two completely different issues, 1) your feelings toward your FIL (ish) 2) not dealing with your dads death…but it’s not FIL(ish)’s fault

Kindly, the more people that love your little boy the better for him. It sounds like he is trying to build a lovely relationship with him.

There are also two sides to a family, both equally important.