Another parent angrily speaks to my child in playground

[TheBrightBear]

There's a new playground beside my kids school. In my opinion it is really badly laid out and part of it is fenced off from the other part, and you can't see through the fence, and due to this is very hard to completely fully watch the children. I was watching my 2 year old and when I looked up another mother was losing the plot with my older child age 7. The fence was in the way of my view. She claimed he had deliberately knocked down her child. I didn't see due to the angle, maybe he did...it would be uncharacteristic of him to have done it on purpose but I suppose possible. I took her word for it and apologised and checked that her child was ok. He was. When I turned around my child had vanished. He had run out of the playground and was hiding in some bushes trembling and shaking. I eventually got him back to the car and he curled up on the floor of it continuing to cry. A friend helped me persuade him to go back to the playground for a little bit so that he wouldn't be afraid to return the next time. He was very upset for the rest of the day and still subdued at bedtime. This woman is a parent at my children's school. I am wondering if I should speak to her and tell her the consequence of her actions as it seemed like a massive overreaction. My son was unable to tell me what she said but I think it must have been very strong as he is usually fairly thick skinned. She is part of an unfriendly clique of mums and I am afraid her reaction to him was something to do with nasty gossip between them. They are very social climber-esque and I am not good enough for them and I feel because of that it was acceptable to her to behave like that towards my child. Honestly in all the years in outdoor settings and playgrounds including during the pandemic I have never seen a parent going off on someone else's child like that. I am afraid of it happening again and we have to wait in that playground a lot as my oldest is collected from school at a later time to my 7 year old. I feel a bit powerless because it was a complete overreaction and also I have bitten my own lip so many times when bad behaviour has been directed towards my own children...the most I would ever say is 'no throwing', 'take turns' etc.

I have often had to say stop throwing, no pushing, put the sticks down etc. This is usually because the parents are talking and not watching. I can only think of one time that a child cried when I spoke to them as it was literally me saying stop throwing and in fact a child who seems to often cry. I didn't like that I made him cry but I definitely was not aggressive in my body language or intimidating.

OK, it's just that in your own post you said you firmly say no pushing and they often cry when I say it, which would suggest that it happens... often. Slightly hard to keep up.

OMG they are not a clique they just don't like you, and I think here is where the biggest issue is, nothing to do with the telling off.

Angst ridden females constantly on here crying about other mean school mums, get a fucking grip.

Oh right ok. They just don't like me. Cliques don't exist. I'll get a grip. Thanks for the helpful advice....I'm totally sorted now thanks so much!!

Thanks for the proof reading, I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to correct me.

This is very difficult and I sympathise. It may be that your son did something mildly wrong, e.g. knock the other sprog over because he wasn't looking, and because other mother's reaction was out of proportion he is now afraid that he was really wrong and that you'll be angry with him for it. I should try reassuring him that you just want to establish exactly what happened so that if you do decide to talk to the lady who hairdryered him you can be sure of your ground. Once you've got the full story, then you'll know what you want to tell the woman.

Snotty parents make me want to start singing The Red Flag. Believe me they'd be sorry because I have a tin ear.

Thanks so much for this, a kind response.

This other parent is of course in the wrong but I don’t think you’ll achieve anything by speaking to her OP. I think you should speak to your child again and say that they didn’t do anything wrong (sounds like this parent overheated) and try to be in the same place as your oldest next time so you can see what happens then you can say something to her next time (although hopefully there isn’t a next time)

Useful 🙄

Thank you!

She is horrible and gutless to speak to a child that way. I would either ask if anyone present had overheard what exactly was said or if not, I’d approach her calmly to ask her what was said and tell her how upset ds was. She isn’t a nice person so she’ll get defensive but just stay calm and question her until she tells you exactly what she said to him.

Sorry this happened to you and your ds, OP.

Well I actually think it's very relevant given the topic of this thread whether you've personally made multiple (presumably local) children cry by addressing their bad behaviour in public. You said you did, but appear to be backtracking and saying it was just once.

Anyway, have you taken any constructive feedback from this thread and decided what you're going to do next?

Keep going with the proof reading. Anything else you have issue with in terms of inconsistency. I clarified what I meant to write in detail. Keep going with the proof reading and quotes that you find inconsistent and I'll clarify them for you.

The only person near her was a childminder. She was sitting on the ground on the wrong side of the fence when the incident happened, she must have seen something happen through a gap in the fence. She left her toddler with the childminder to get up and go around to the other side of the fence. She was standing up and gesturing and speaking angrily at my child when I saw what was happening. As I came towards her she then bent down and put her arm around her child. Ie the child was clearly not particularly hurt or she wouldn't have been wasting time having a go at my child...shed have been helping her kid up and comforting him. Her child was not crying and I couldn't see any visible sign of injury. I asked what happened, apologised and offered tissues...for tears/blood of which there was neither. As I was doing this my son was behind me and crying ran off and hid in the bushes. She must have been able to see that but didn't mention to me that he had run off. Luckily the childminder was watching over the fence and saw where he went. I did ask the childminder what she'd seen after the angry woman left but I think she felt very uncomfortable and stuck in the middle and I didn't like putting her in that position. She hadn't seen what happened either.

Admittedly, I’ve not read everything but being blunt, I fairly quickly thought that maybe you’re the problem.

You’re easily offended and quite confrontational as a result. Taking out the actual incident you seem offended that some of the mums don’t really include you in their friendship group / clique and also when you have come on here to ask for opinions, you’ve got defensive and ott to anyone who gives you an opinion that doesn’t fit your narrative.

Now, I would suggest that your child’s response to the incident, which let’s be honest was pretty minor, was excessive. Which is a carbon copy of your behaviour.

Was the woman entitled to shout at your child. I don’t know, but nor do you. But you’ve turned this into a circus by bringing up all sorts of nonsense about it being a vendetta against you etc. So it’s little wonder your kid has reacted in the way he has and it makes me wonder if actually the mum wasn’t being that brutal, just you and your child have extreme reactions.

Well since you asked, you do seem to be confused about your son being bullied. Being teased and tormented by two boys for an ongoing period is the definition of bullying but perhaps there is something you're missing from the story.

To be honest I would be more concerned about that than what you've posted about.

They are in the year below him and a lot smaller than him. He is tall for his age. They have calmed down a bit recently but for months were regularly name calling and chasing after him with sticks and trying to throw sticks at him. He sometimes tried shouting at them to stop and leave him alone which they seemed to get excited by and get worse. Another kid said....they just will never stop. The two mothers of those children just stood by the entire time chatting and never ever reprimanded them. I told my son that if they started he needed to come and stand beside me...which he did. One of the mums has now gone back to work and the minder is even less attentive. However I was nervous of calling them out too publicly as I am aware my son is big and to anyone watching the assumption would be that the other two small and cute looking boys couldn't possibly be at fault. The mother who had a go at my son the other day stands around near them and has never reprimanded them for their behaviour either. One dad came up to me and said he had noticed what had been going on but I said I didn't want to make a big deal out of it because we are all going to be at the school gate together for a long time and I didn't want bad feeling. Just to note....the reason everyone is standing around there is because we all have to wait for an hour between when the younger children come out and the older ones do. There's a limited amount of space and a lot of kids milling around. It's hard to drive off elsewhere and come back as then you lose your parking space. The school has refused to provide childcare onsite to fill the hour so everyone just has to wait there.

As I've said multiple times.....here's what happened in real life. I went over to the woman. I asked what happened. I apologised. I offered her tissues in case there were tears or blood that needed cleaning up (the child was not crying or injured). I was polite. I went to find my child. I explained the situation to another mum who helped me with my toddler while I tried to calm my son down. I remained calm throughout . Please explain to me my over reaction? Writing comments on mumsnet is completely different to real life. Obviously I am on mumsnet because I cannot talk about it in person. Isn't that why people start these threads? Plenty of people are only on this thread for the drama and yes I am going to push back at them. You'll find a comment above with one person saying that exactly why they're on mumsnet...for the drama.I've no reason not to. I don't have to stand with them at a school gate for the next ten years so I'll speak my mind to them. I can assure you....I'm not doing this in person.

@TheBrightBear just because he's older and taller than him doesn't mean it's not bullying.

I don't understand why you wouldn't speak to the school about this. It's been happening for months and other adults have noticed it.

This is a far bigger issue IME than this incident at the playground.

It's not happening on school grounds. It's outside the school where we all have to wait for this hour. They aren't in the same part of the school yard. So aside from the fact the school has refused to run a siblings hour to fill the gap between the older and younger ones collection, and it's the only small park in the area to wait in, and is right beside school...the school is nothing to do with it. But I know that speaking to those other mums about it will cause tension and I don't want it because we will be in the same community for a long long time. They are gradually improving and in general I think the best policy is to say as little as possible and get my son to stay near me so that if they have a go at him I can quickly tell them to stop without it becoming a big deal.

You overreact in general. Reading back through some of your responses you’ve become defensive for no reason other than someone has offered a response to the question you’ve asked. They’re not creating drama, you are. In addition some of what you say is an excessive reaction. So I’m guessing IRL you’re like this and it is normal behaviour for you.

There’s a famous saying, monkey see, monkey do. Look it up and then look at your child’s behaviour.

None of my sons have ever shoved or pushed anyone.

In general I think the best policy is to say as little as possible and get my son to stay near me so that if they have a go at him I can quickly tell them to stop without it becoming a big deal.

This is not an effective way of dealing with your sons bullies. It doesn't matter that it's not happening on school premises, you should still report it.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/dealing-with-bullying/

If your child is being bullied by someone they’re at school with, you can talk to the school. It doesn't matter whether the bullying is happening on the premises, outside or online. All schools have a responsibility to protect their pupils from bullying.

If you are on the spot, telling a child not to throw sticks is perfectly fine if they are doing it near yours. That's dangerous. If they say something mean you can tell them that's not kind. Obviously not yelling at them. Sometimes hearing it from another parent carries much more weight with them.

Is it really bullying or just two little boys getting carried away and their mothers not stopping them? I think it's the latter.