Another parent angrily speaks to my child in playground

[TheBrightBear]

There's a new playground beside my kids school. In my opinion it is really badly laid out and part of it is fenced off from the other part, and you can't see through the fence, and due to this is very hard to completely fully watch the children. I was watching my 2 year old and when I looked up another mother was losing the plot with my older child age 7. The fence was in the way of my view. She claimed he had deliberately knocked down her child. I didn't see due to the angle, maybe he did...it would be uncharacteristic of him to have done it on purpose but I suppose possible. I took her word for it and apologised and checked that her child was ok. He was. When I turned around my child had vanished. He had run out of the playground and was hiding in some bushes trembling and shaking. I eventually got him back to the car and he curled up on the floor of it continuing to cry. A friend helped me persuade him to go back to the playground for a little bit so that he wouldn't be afraid to return the next time. He was very upset for the rest of the day and still subdued at bedtime. This woman is a parent at my children's school. I am wondering if I should speak to her and tell her the consequence of her actions as it seemed like a massive overreaction. My son was unable to tell me what she said but I think it must have been very strong as he is usually fairly thick skinned. She is part of an unfriendly clique of mums and I am afraid her reaction to him was something to do with nasty gossip between them. They are very social climber-esque and I am not good enough for them and I feel because of that it was acceptable to her to behave like that towards my child. Honestly in all the years in outdoor settings and playgrounds including during the pandemic I have never seen a parent going off on someone else's child like that. I am afraid of it happening again and we have to wait in that playground a lot as my oldest is collected from school at a later time to my 7 year old. I feel a bit powerless because it was a complete overreaction and also I have bitten my own lip so many times when bad behaviour has been directed towards my own children...the most I would ever say is 'no throwing', 'take turns' etc.

Ok great no problem you're right I'm wrong. From now on every time a kid says something mean to one of mine, the next time a stick is thrown at mine, my toddler is bashed into and falls over, I'm going to take the child to task. Thanks for your permission. I wont bother going to the parent.

My child certainly didn't choke anyone. At the very most he threw a stick and somehow the child fell. I've only got the other mothers word for it. Her child wasn't crying or injured an any way.

Brightbear, please find my post. All this advice is horrible. Unless you child physically hurt another child this "Karen" has no business parenting your child, and tell her so!!!

The fence was between her and the children too

i don't get why this is so revolutionary? you have 2 kids now, you have to learn how to cope with the fact that they don't like the same things.

And yes- if a kid throws a stick at your child "don't throw sticks, it's dangerous, where is your parent?" and tell the parent.

He probably did physically hurt the other child. I'm not precious although everyone is saying I am. It was the first week the playground was opened. It was the second time I had been there. It's very badly laid out and apparently there have been multiple injuries so far. We don't be going back again without two adults. Lesson learned. It sounds like it is in fact acceptable from most of these comments to aggressively deal with another child instead of going to the parents is acceptable and common practice so maybe I'll start doing it from now on.

Yep that's what I do. Not what she did.

For goodness sake you didn't see what happened and the other woman did, she saw a 'big' kid push over a smaller one so she gave him a tongue lashing. Your son was upset which is upsetting for you, but really, it's not some sort of conspiracy with the cliquey, unfriendly mums, and people saying they would give the mother a good slapping are unhinged. Keep an eye on your child and accept there will be consequences when he behaves badly, now and throughout his life.

7 years old he should be able to run around a playground. We baby our kids too much. Kuds tend to sort things out on their own. The uppity mom needs to stay in her lane. And tell her that. Don't even hesistate. Look, my daughter is 12 and has had 2 bf. She has friends that have had as many as 8. None of their parents know because they would freak out. I know because I don't freak out about everything. I give my child space and understanding to tell me the truth by not over reacting to things so I can save her when she is in danger. I am not going to always like her choices, but they hers to make. I just have to try to keep her safe, and teach her kindness, teach her to forgive, have empathy, grace and a backbone. See, simple lol. These parents who are running around parenting your child, probably don't even know their own child.

I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. Kids will be kids, and I think everyone is overreacting if they expect you to be in 2 places at once.

I think when you let your child play with minimal supervision, you should expect to hear from another adult if something happens. This was normal when I was growing up, and it teaches boundaries.

Also, could your sons reaction be a reflection on what he is/isn’t used to? Does he speak to you about what’s happening generally? At that age my DD wasn’t vocal but I worked very hard on getting her to open up to me and I would always listen to her first - and depending on her answer I would react accordingly - I could tell when she was fibbing - and before reacting I would get both sides - but making sure I got hers first so it wasn’t influenced by whatever the other person was saying. Being told off is overwhelming for some children (in my case I remember my DD making things up depending on what she thought I wanted to hear)

Is your son not used to being told off in that way? Yes, the woman shouldn’t have shouted but maybe she’s had a bad day. I remember being a kid and I absolutely hated being in trouble or being told off - it’s natural for kids to be embarrassed and to go non verbal for a while - but maybe remind your son your always on his side - ask him to tell you what happened - and maybe use it as an opportunity to make up some playground rules? If another adult shouts at you, come straight to mummy and tell me what happened. Be mindful of others etc etc.

Very hard as you don’t know what happened.

When I need my DD to open up I lie next to her in the dark at bedtime and talk about other things casually. Eventually she usually tells me her thoughts. I think it’s something about being side to side and not seeing my face which helps her open up.

Truthfully though, if your kid did something violent deliberately then it might be for the best that she scared him a little. Harsh words can’t hurt him but the next person who he throws a stick at (if he did even do that) might. You sound like a gentle caring mum but he’s getting to an age where he will encounter less gentle people and if he has a tendency to shove and throw things he needs to know what he’s letting himself in for.

She couldn't have seen properly or heard anything. She was also on the other side of the fence. Her child fell over according to her due to my child. I'd like to ask how it goes for you when you go up and give out to the other children in your child's school? How does it go down with the other parents? Are the parents still friendly with you? Is there a happy sense of camaraderie among you and the other parents when you have taken their children to task in the park? In my experience if one parent bollocks another child in front of the parents it creates a pretty frosty atmosphere. It's rather hard to overcome.

Wow so crazy maybe I am just lucky. Mine always figured it out. She was 5 years old when a 7 year old boy took her toy and shoved her to the ground while they were squatting and playing in the sand. My daughter got up looked over at me. I shrugged my shoulders and she balled up her fist and did a jump down superman punch to this boy's arm while he was still squatting. He runs to his mom. His mom saw the whole thing. Started speaking in spanish and i heard the word ella. The boy left her alone after that. Idk. They seem to figure it out. I told her later he won't do that again.

I can see this is terribly upsetting. We've got one of those badly designed playgrounds - it's got mounds and planting and separate zones - impossible to keep an eye on kids at all times from a fixed point.

But back in my day or many, many other parts of the world - no-one would expect you to. Children are children they are learning how to get along - sometimes they mess up (and yes far more accidents and dodgy incidents in 70s 80s). But not sure it is necessary for such heavy vigilance and parental supervision of every child interaction.

I think you handled fairly well at the time - although I'm my ideal world you wouldn't have apologised. You'd have shrugged, said 'Is X okay? kids eh - I'll talk to him'. And then given this zero brain space.

Not sure what you think you'll get by talking to the mum again. And if your DS doesn't want to discuss it then maybe you should follow his lead, drop the subject, encourage him to develop resilience to being unfairly accused of things (school and work both do this on occasion) and move on.

Some battles are not worth fighting.

To answer your question op if another child knocked over my smaller child deliberately and i couldn't see their parent I would absolutely tell them off, and I wouldn't give a shiney shite what their parent felt about it. Maybe i am unpopular among some of the parents, i neither know nor care, I avoid cliques in general but i certainly have some friends among the other mums. I have 5 dc and have experience of lots of different school playgrounds over the years, and this sort of drama over a relatively minor incident will do your son no favours in the long run. Just my opinion, you can take it or leave it.

quit it with the misogynist "Karen" slur.

I would tell your son that he needs to tell you what actually happened, because if he is going to go and play out of your view, then you wont be able to see when things happen and keep him safe. What happened to the smaller boy? Give your son good opportunity to tell you what happened.
If he did push the other child, then you need to know. That he wont be in trouble for it, because hes already been told off by the other lady, but you need to know what happened. You know hes not an unkind boy usually, but everyone makes mistakes, and if he got overexcited and hurt someone, then getting told off by that childs parent is the risk he takes.
If he didnt hurt anyone, and the other parent shouted at your son when it wasnt warranted, then thats another story, and I would speak to the school (or confront the woman)

Lovely.

I think she may have been 4 she was pretty young. Another time I think she was 5 we at a playground and this boy around same age was playing rough with her and clawing at her. My daughter sort of shuffle step pretty aggresively toward him on this bridge and the parent ran and grabbed her child. It so funny because my kid is not violent, but she has always defended herself. The mother tells me with an embarrassed look their kid was kicked out of daycare for being too rough. She wasn't going to stop her child from rough housing until my child was going to stop it. You have to see if your kids can take care of themselves. You aren't gonna live forever. And honestly, having consequences with a peer for bad behavior isn't the worst thing in the world. They will stop bullying so much if they find someone that us gonna push back.

In 5th grade she ran into a couple of bullies and was desparate to be in a certain group. I let her go through that we talked about the toxic elements. Once she got out of it she learned how not to be that person again. Just talk to them alot. And seriously moms, mind your own damn store. I am certain you are running around trying to tell other kids what to do and have no clue what yours is up to. Being too strict these days doesn't work. Take time to watch them work through conflict. They have a grenade in their hand called a phone.You had better know your kid really really well. "Because I said so", isn't gonna cut it.

He gets told off by me. A lot. Including in public. For things other mothers don't tell their children off for. He doesn't get told off at school because he behaves himself. I have spoken to the teacher to ensure that his behaviour is ok...the reason being my older child has some very badly behaved boys in her class and I want to make sure he is not like them and that he isn't learning bad behaviours in the school yard. The teacher has told me he is well behaved and they have no issues with him. When he started copying another child at preschool saying poo poo head etc I put him in time out every time I heard it. He stopped within a day and never did it again. Yet I hear these kids outside school saying poo poo head and worse all the time with no reprimand. He is naturally boisterous. I reprimand him for it in public as well as at home. I do agree with everything you have said about children needing to be freer but I can't see how it will work as many parents are very intolerant of normal kid mistakes and rough and tumble play.

What sort of drama? I calmly spoke to the mother, took her word for it and apologised. What's dramatic about that?

He does get in trouble with me though. He gets in a lot more trouble with me than his two exceptionally quiet and calm sisters. He's more boisterous than them. It is in his nature. He's not exceptionally boisterous and if he does something wrong it is usually impulsive and not premeditated. He expects to get in trouble with me if he does something wrong.

Thanks so much for this

You see for a lot of the kids who are better at getting away with it there aren't consequences for behaving badly....they just tend to not get caught. Only the more obvious ones get caught.