Another parent angrily speaks to my child in playground

[TheBrightBear]

There's a new playground beside my kids school. In my opinion it is really badly laid out and part of it is fenced off from the other part, and you can't see through the fence, and due to this is very hard to completely fully watch the children. I was watching my 2 year old and when I looked up another mother was losing the plot with my older child age 7. The fence was in the way of my view. She claimed he had deliberately knocked down her child. I didn't see due to the angle, maybe he did...it would be uncharacteristic of him to have done it on purpose but I suppose possible. I took her word for it and apologised and checked that her child was ok. He was. When I turned around my child had vanished. He had run out of the playground and was hiding in some bushes trembling and shaking. I eventually got him back to the car and he curled up on the floor of it continuing to cry. A friend helped me persuade him to go back to the playground for a little bit so that he wouldn't be afraid to return the next time. He was very upset for the rest of the day and still subdued at bedtime. This woman is a parent at my children's school. I am wondering if I should speak to her and tell her the consequence of her actions as it seemed like a massive overreaction. My son was unable to tell me what she said but I think it must have been very strong as he is usually fairly thick skinned. She is part of an unfriendly clique of mums and I am afraid her reaction to him was something to do with nasty gossip between them. They are very social climber-esque and I am not good enough for them and I feel because of that it was acceptable to her to behave like that towards my child. Honestly in all the years in outdoor settings and playgrounds including during the pandemic I have never seen a parent going off on someone else's child like that. I am afraid of it happening again and we have to wait in that playground a lot as my oldest is collected from school at a later time to my 7 year old. I feel a bit powerless because it was a complete overreaction and also I have bitten my own lip so many times when bad behaviour has been directed towards my own children...the most I would ever say is 'no throwing', 'take turns' etc.

In a situation where another child choked my DS, I frog marched him to his mother, told her what had happened and told her to deal with it and parent said demon. I wouldn’t have dreamed of bollocking him in the way you have described (even though I wanted to throttle the little shit)

You said that she was shouting, but that you couldn't hear her because her back was to you...

If she had indeed been shouting, you'd have heard her.

It sounds like your son doesn't like being told off as he reacted the same way to being told off by a teacher.

They should have spoke to you rather than berate your child, however I will say I wouldn't let my almost 7 year old play in a park where I couldn't see them, I know you said there's a fence that blocks the view, but I would find somewhere else where I can observe easier. No one knows what she said to your child, if they were in your view you would have likely witnessed whatever happened and been able to deal with it there and then.

Children sometimes push each other - even the good ones, anyone who says their child would never is in denial. I understand the woman telling your child off a bit, personally I don’t like to bollock other people’s kids but I could understand her telling him off. However, shouting at him to the point where he was in such a state? Absolutely not. I don’t care if it’s Princess Dian back from the dead, I would have been raging. The fact she’s in some clique doesn’t matter, you need to have a word. I understand it can be scary for some people who are conflict averse. Rip the bandaid off and get it done asap.

I think it’s time that you do absolutely terrify them actually! Protect your child, for goodness sake, and stop being wet generally - the same applies with this other mother. Don’t ever apologise on behalf of your child before you find out what has happened, and stop worrying so much about what others think of you, you are letting it make you weak.

I’ve a similar age gap between mine and you’re right, it’s completely impossible to watch them both constantly all the time and 7 is old enough to have a little bit of independence unless you’re of the helicopter variety (which frankly I don’t have the time, energy or inclination for). I think if my eldest was that frightened I’d be finding a time to quietly let them know that it was completely unacceptable and if I saw it happen again I wouldn’t be held responsible for my actions. Adults who get off on bullying children need a similarly robust approach.

Sorry for the pile on OP

Its not okay for her to shout at your child and she should have asked him where his mum is to speak to you.

Its hard to know now what to do but in future face her or her friends assertively with your head held high.

I would say to her there’s no excuse for shouting at your child and one wrong doesn’t excuse another. That next time she has anything to say; to say it to you not a 7 year old child with no one there to defend him.

I understand why you’re upset, you’ve gone into defence mode for your child which is perfectly natural. Thing is though you’ve said you didn’t hear what she said so surely she can’t have been shouting or you’d have heard her? You say yourself you’ve told kids off before and they’ve cried even though you feel your tone was perfectly reasonable. You also say your son has been told off by a teacher and has been very upset by it, also that a teacher says your son is well behaved and timid. All of this suggests his reaction not being commensurate with the telling off. I think perhaps your own dislike of this woman is clouding your judgement as to whether or not the telling off was fair. I’m not saying it was either, just from what you’ve said it doesn’t really sound like you know yourself as you don’t know what was said etc. Maybe take a step back and think on it as if it turns out it was reasonable and you kick up a fuss you could make life more difficult for your son at school.

No he doesn't. But I see that behaviour from some boys towards the children with needs in my oldest child's class. The mean boys mothers think there's no such thing as mild autism and that the kids just bring it on themselves.
No one has ever accused my child of bullying.

Well it seems like inadvertently the problem has been solved. No sign of cranky mother today. All the kids of cliquey mums were down in the new playground. We found a nice quiet place to play in the park out of view of the playground, as many people said, there's no point being there if you can't see all your children. We then had a trip to the playground after my eldest came out of school and the cliquey people were gone. The eldest was then able to help with the 2 year old and there was no aggro because all the difficult children had left. So it was all a blessing in disguise.

There seems to be a lot of talk of bullying. A lot of people just don't seem to be used to the rough and tumble play that lots of children engage in. I see it every day in the park. It's normal childhood behaviour to occasionally push or hit or shove. There lots of precious parents out there who didn't grow up in large families or cannot remember their own childhoods. Kids are learning. They make mistakes. Some are more impulsive than others. Personally I'd be very slow to ever accuse or label a child as a bully. Once you've said it you can't take it back. It is very damaging to label another child as a bully. It's better just to describe the behaviour and what can be done to stop it. Anti bullying policies are so woke these days. I bought into the whole relational aggression thing for a while but tbh I think that's just what happens in big groups of girls/women. Go to a strict school where the teachers are in charge and there will be a lot less bullying than a school with a touchy feely anti bullying policy that focuses on restorative justice.

Op next time you need to defend your child more and your child needs to know you have his back but obviously for not bad behaviour which is where you have to deal with it properly but you need to show him that under no circumstance, no adult should ever talk to your child like that. I allowed this to happen once because I was so afraid of what people would think about my parenting, at the time my 2yo didn't wait his turn 🙄 and had a telling off by another parent angrily until I realised that I'm sending a wrong message to my own dc which is why I'm always on full guard mode. BTW I intercepted straight away and said oh ds you must take turns and not push in and despite that, the other parent angrily started telling my dc off and I just froze there not knowing what to do and pulled ds to away from the play frame and obviously I felt guilty for not saying anything from that day onwards but I vowed to never become a wet wipe ever again. How I discipline my child is up to me only, at the end of the day, they are children which is why I never interfere with anyone else's child and parenting and I use my language as "we need to be careful on that slide in case we hurt the younger ones" or " we should be careful with that stick in case we poke someone" saying it out loud but indirectly iyswim.

Mum of 7 here, mixture of boys and girls aging between 18 and 1 years old so I’ve many playground experiences 🙈😂 also a range of characters.

firstly hindsight is a wonderful thing that comes from previous experiences we come across over time with our children. I’ve been in similar situations and I make sure both children are ok and deal with the parent and their behaviour first because if they have behaved in the manner in which you have said then that outweighs what has occured between the children providing no one is hurt.

Personally I would drop the matter with your son. I’ve read your responses and it sounds like the conversation has risen numerous times to try and get to the bottom of what happened and what was said. By your child’s reaction I suspect he wants you to drop it. Could be because he is scared and upset but also could be because he maybe wasn’t playing as nicely as he could have. It’s not nice what has happened but I do think it needs to be dropped, what happened happened, it’s over with just learn from the experience as in if happens again react in a way maybe you wish you had after thinking about it. Teach your son that things happen but move on. I personally wouldn’t approach the mum now, what’s it to achieve??! Or what do you hope it will achieve? Because I suspect she hasn’t given it as much thought as you. And if she’s not a nice person then again what you hoping for?

Its hard as they grow up, tbh it just gets harder give me babies/ toddlers over preteens and teens any day xx

I have a slightly different take on this.

You didn’t see what your child did. You didn’t hear what the woman said. All you know is that she said he’d pushed over another child, and the next thing he was shaking and curled up in a ball.

When my DS was in primary there was a similar child whose mother said was a sensitive soul who she couldn’t believe ever did wrong. If he got told off in class she would go in all guns blazing to the teacher that he’d spent the night sobbing out of control over what had happened. He was, in fact, the biggest bully imaginable with the acting skills to go with it. And if any parent ever pulled him up on it in the park he would go running into the bushes, and so the mum essentially put it about that her precious son was being bullied by other children, parents, teachers alike, when nothing could have been further from the truth.

You should have asked your son what happened, but equally I’m thinking that a child shaking and terrified after being told off by another parent, and it clearly wasn’t that bad a telling off or you would have heard it, isn’t used to being challenged on his behaviour.

Incidentally said child in my DS’ class told everyone in secondary that he had cancer and had months to live (all lies), and was expelled early due to some incident which I’m not sure what it was as they weren’t at secondary together.

And still the mother swears he can do no wrong.

There was a similar child in your class to who? My child? Thanks very much for implying my child is the biggest bully imaginable, that he's a world class actor and liar etc etc etc. and that he's capable of going around telling everyone he has cancer. You're unbelievable. Your rant is your problem and totally unrelated to me. You should check out the mother's Day podcast by the psychologist Stella O'Malley where she describes the toxic hideous people on mumsnet and how cruel and horrible they are and how difficult they have made parenting for new mums....you are one of them. Please find the sentence where I swore my son could do no wrong in my posts and quote it to me. And the sentence where it states I stomp into the teacher every time he gets in trouble. As I said - I specifically asked about behaviour and the teacher told me he is one of the quietest and most well behaved children in the class and kind and affectionate to others. I would have no need to stomp into the teacher because he behaved himself in school. She seats him next to more disruptive children sometimes in order to be a good influence. He can be somewhat boisterous in the park but so can the other boys... I make a point of calling him out in...the other mums see me doing it....they generally tend not to bother calling out their own children's stick throwing, name calling behaviours. You overall sound like a nasty piece of work and a total pain in the ass of a parent to have in the class.

Thanks so much for your nice post. I'm sure he wasn't playing as nicely as he could have. I know he's not always an angel. As you can see the next poster after you thinks he must be the biggest bully imaginable and a child who goes into the bushes crying is just putting on an act. I think that woman gave it plenty of thought because she was cool as a cucumber when I spoke to her. The only time I can ever imagine speaking to a child like that is if I had completely lost control of myself, she hadn't. People keep saying I didn't hear what she said. I could see her body language though she was throwing her arms around and gesturing aggressively towards him. It looked like she was shouting from behind but even if she wasn't her body language was scary enough. Then when she spoke to me she was cold and business like. I am afraid of her doing it to him again or blacklisting/scapegoating him among the other mothers....if it was some random person I could feel I could let it go more easily.
I've got an older child too and an extended family with children of various older ages. I know it gets harder in many ways. But to be honest this is pretty much the most horrible thing that has happened so far to us.

So, you've got no reason to think she even shouted, nor saw what happened. But you've decided you know enough of her appalling conduct from your distant view, because of the body language of the back of her.

the layout may be stupid. But you need to keep an eye on your child. I hope he recovered from the shock quickly.

Shouting at a child isn't right, but i am actually quite impressed that in the land where nobody is ever allowed to look askance at your precious child, someone actually took a child to task.

don't be daft. Violence is not the answer. Setting your child that violence is the answer is batshit.

I'm very much a believer that you should never tell off another child (that you don't know or have the parents permission to do so) and speak to the parents.

hard disagree - especially if, as in this case, the mum was elsewhere. A very firm "stop that right now, where are your parents?" goes a long way, as does removing your own child if necessary.

Also agree with pp that OP is being hypocritical with the fact that these kids apparently "terrorise" her DC and she tells them off and they cry.

But nobody is allowed to protect their own child from some unspecified action from hers? (and since i know that these days "losing it" and "shouting" is often just someone standing up and speaking with a firm voice, i am going to take OPs version with large pinch of scepticism)

This legit just happened to me yesterday. My 12 yo was at the pool with a friend. Another one of her friends was there with her mother. They thought my daughter and her friend were talking about her child's weight. They were not. In fact my daughter's friend didn't even know the other girl. Apparently a friend of the friend was bullying this girl at school. My daughter calls me me crying. Long story short. I called the mom. She somewhat told me what she thought happened. I expressed that I tend not to get involved with disputes with my child because kids tend to work it out and parents just end up fighting. I told them I would never speak to their child that way. I told her that behavior was borderline bullying and to refrain from doing it in the future. I called her out when she tried to make excuses for her behavior. I am also filling out an incident report at the apartment complex. She apologized and I let her back down gracefully. Don't let it slide. They will do it again. My daughter tells me everything. I have so much dirt on this kid if anything like this ever happens again, I will tell mom the truth about her child. It is sad because there friendship has suffered. I won't allow her over her house anymore. Her mother's judgement concerns me. I have taken this kid to the movies. My daughter and I went to see her in a play and brought her flowers. We have always been supportive of her. My daughter is also very kind and is really popular. Not at all someone that would bully. In fact will call others out when they are bullying. Even bullying someone she doesn't particularly like. She has no enemies because she refuses to engage in fights. Better just to say nothing. Be friendly without being friends. That girl's loss, due to her mother's overbearing helicopter mother behavior. Her friend (not so close now) is very tall and very overweight, but she is a year ahead of my daughter; and, my daughter always looked up to her. I imagine as they get older it is going to more difficult for this girl to fit in. Although, kids are different these days. A little more aware of bullying.
Just don't ever become that mother. It will cost your child friendships.

It's very easy after the event to say, 'you should have done this or that', the fact is, you didn't. The Mother went in heavy handed, and yes frightened your child. None of which is acceptable. This woman is unlikely to approach you in the playground, the situation as far as she's concerned is done and dusted. If she spreads gossip, well sadly there's nothing you can do about it, and there's no point in worrying about something you have no control.over. The one thing I will say, from working in a school and dealing with children is...if something like this ever happens again, you ask your child what happened, before you engage with the other parent. In the playground, my first port of call is to always ask both children what happened, before I come to any conclusions. Your son may or may not have pushed this child deliberately, you will never know. Even well-behaved children, misbehave sometimes!!

Oh yes I'm sure it was just silent gesturing. I could see her speaking. Come on.

You are ok with physical pushing, shoving, hitting with sticks but draw the line at someone having a word! Hhmmm something doesn't add up.

Boys shove and push. Show me a boy that has never shoved and pushed. Few and far between.