Another parent angrily speaks to my child in playground

[TheBrightBear]

There's a new playground beside my kids school. In my opinion it is really badly laid out and part of it is fenced off from the other part, and you can't see through the fence, and due to this is very hard to completely fully watch the children. I was watching my 2 year old and when I looked up another mother was losing the plot with my older child age 7. The fence was in the way of my view. She claimed he had deliberately knocked down her child. I didn't see due to the angle, maybe he did...it would be uncharacteristic of him to have done it on purpose but I suppose possible. I took her word for it and apologised and checked that her child was ok. He was. When I turned around my child had vanished. He had run out of the playground and was hiding in some bushes trembling and shaking. I eventually got him back to the car and he curled up on the floor of it continuing to cry. A friend helped me persuade him to go back to the playground for a little bit so that he wouldn't be afraid to return the next time. He was very upset for the rest of the day and still subdued at bedtime. This woman is a parent at my children's school. I am wondering if I should speak to her and tell her the consequence of her actions as it seemed like a massive overreaction. My son was unable to tell me what she said but I think it must have been very strong as he is usually fairly thick skinned. She is part of an unfriendly clique of mums and I am afraid her reaction to him was something to do with nasty gossip between them. They are very social climber-esque and I am not good enough for them and I feel because of that it was acceptable to her to behave like that towards my child. Honestly in all the years in outdoor settings and playgrounds including during the pandemic I have never seen a parent going off on someone else's child like that. I am afraid of it happening again and we have to wait in that playground a lot as my oldest is collected from school at a later time to my 7 year old. I feel a bit powerless because it was a complete overreaction and also I have bitten my own lip so many times when bad behaviour has been directed towards my own children...the most I would ever say is 'no throwing', 'take turns' etc.

@TheBrightBear it is not ok to aggressively verbally attack a child. Adults need to know how to speak to a child and know that they are also a child even if they are a little older. There are ways to communicate nicely without traumatising. How can a child learn from them if the adult in front is displaying verbal aggression so that they can fear them. This is bad form. There are many lunatic parents out there which is why I hate playgrounds so much because whilst you are using the playground so your child can burn off energy, enjoy the fresh air and another parent can come along and ruin it with their unwarranted aggression towards your child. In playgrounds whether the child is 1 or 8, there will always be falls and accidents. Just yesterday I had to warn my own ds as he was running around in green space with a ball away from other children where families were gathered doing a picnic, we picked a spot between two trees to set up a goal and we were passing the ball to each other when a 3 year old came up to him not steady on her feet following ds hugging the tree and annoying him as he was playing with his ball and running between us as we were kicking the ball. I had to say out loudly as she was unsupervised but so other parents can hear "oh ds please can we move away because this child isn't steady on her feet and if she falls trying to grab your ball, I don't want you to be blamed for it as it's not your fault. She is still small and is learning to give space". Of course it's annoying as why should we move because her parents can't be bothered getting up supervising their child away from their lovely picnic whilst their child is a accident waiting to happen ruining someone else's game but to avoid an accident, I had to ensure we had to move away as I don't want to get into a massive fight where they have ignored their child all this time and suddenly only notice the bit where the child has fallen thinking it's my child's fault. It's such a minefield. Your ds could have run full speed without looking and the child got in the way for all you know. I used to helicopter my ds and move him out the way from the big kids.

@TheBrightBear what is the best outcome here for you?

The drama is in your reaction, your language around a minor incident, not how you handled it with the parent. this is pretty much the most horrible thing that has happened to us. she is a total bitch and i should have let rip at her. her body language was scary. She claimed that he had deliberately knocked down her child you say she couldn't see what happened, so you seem to be suggesting that she is lying because she is part of a nasty gossipy clique who are out to get you because you are not good enough for them. The whole thing has been completely blown out of proportion imo.

You've just articulated what I think about this thread but couldn't find the words for.

To describe this as the 'most horrible thing that's happened to us' means that either the OP has either had an incredibly fortunate 10 years of parenthood or is massively overreacting. The fact she keeps referring to the 'clique' makes me think she's allowing her obvious insecurities about these mums (that she clearly feels inferior to - not that she should) cloud her judgement. To excuse the pun, it's all a bit school playground.

@TheBrightBear I don't mean this to come across harsh, more that you may need to develop a bit more resilience and worry less about what other mums may or may not think of you.

I haven’t read the full thread op but my son also finds it really hard to communicate at times. It’s improved as I’ve found ways of managing this and getting information indirectly. Hard to explain though.

I would have a chat with him even if it is completely one sided to say that you are sorry about what he went through and that the other woman shouldn’t have behaved that way. Also say to him that you love him and will always be on his side even if it didn’t seem like that then.

In the heat of the moment and probably not wanting to seem like a bad parent you capitulated and apologised when you didn’t know what happened. It is entirely possible that she didn’t see what happened and made assumptions. Maybe tell him that you won’t handle things the same way in future?

I completely disagree with posters who say why would she lie. It’s so ignorant to think that adults can’t lie, make assumptions, get it wrong, side with their children who may have lied and just be nasty bullies with children. I have no problem with unrelated adults telling off children but not like that. Given your son has already been bullied I wouldn’t have him alone where you can’t see him in the park even if it is difficult.

Only on mumsnet! Not around the people I see at the school gate! Come on!! Is that not the reason that people go on mumsnet to talk about these things....because they can't say them in real life! In real life a couple of mums checked in with me after to see how my son was because they could see him shaking and crying and they saw the mothers behaviour....and that's all that's been said!! And I've kept well away from the playground and the other mother. No drama

Thanks yes she was also on the wrong side of the fence and sitting on the ground at the time so I don't know how she could have seen much except partially through a gap in the fence

I've plenty of resilience thank you very much and everyone knows that school gates are filled with cliquey mum groups and its as bad as secondary school if not worse because they are so self righteous about their children. I dislike cliquey behaviour a lot and I think they should grow up and be pleasant to everyone and embrace the children's class with a team spirit mentality among the children and parents. I dislike it when mum groups within classes get nasty. I say hello to everyone and do my best to be pleasant, no matter what I've seen or heard. I don't care what she thinks of me but I do care if she is creating a situation in which those other mothers may gang up on my child. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to us in an outdoor setting like a park or playground and I have spent many hours during the pandemic outside in those situations and I never saw a parent behaving with such aggressive body language to someone else's child. I don't mean the worst thing like a bereavement or whatever but I think that's pretty obvious from the context.

So speak to her about it then?

What do you suggest I say?

Hi X. Can we have a chat about what happened at the park the other day? I didn't see what happened with the boys because it was behind the fence but I could tell from your body language that you were shouting at Y. Obviously he ran away at the time and now won't talk to me about what happened. I wanted to speak to you to try and understand what happened, but also say that in future I would prefer it if you came and got me if anything happens between the boys. It's fine to say stop, but you really scared him and I would rather deal with disciplining him myself.

And if you aren't interested in drama....why comment on mumsnet threads??!!

I love drama 🤷‍♀️

So why pass comment on drama if you love it?

Because I love drama. Duh.

It's highly unlikely a parent would have shouted at your child for shits and giggles. Accept he was being naughty and has conveniently blocked out the incident because he knew he was in the wrong, and that this is a valuable lesson for next time. Not every adult is going to accept their child getting hurt through thoughtlessness.

I honestly don't know where everyone is getting the shouting thing from. The heading clearly says speaking. It was her aggressive body language that was particularly unpleasant

Don’t do this OP. It could be absolute rubbish. The problem is you don’t know what happened and she left your son in quite a state. You’ve already said she’s unpleasant. If it didn’t happen as she said and you treat him as if she was right to do this you cause him to never be able to count on you or believe in you. He won’t forget it. Protect your son by not leaving him open to this and having sight of him.

I caught a neighbour, grown man shouting at my little sister (around the same age) accusing her of something. There were witnesses who came and got me as the big sister and said otherwise and to my mother afterwards. He wasn’t there, he didn’t see and he assumed. I was a very quiet shy kid but the injustice really got to me and normally wouldn’t speak up around adults but I somehow managed to tell him he was wrong and to stay the hell away from my sister.

This is your village OP.

I don’t always agree with adults who discipline my children in public but I do thank them for intervening. It’s what has happening for thousands of years to children. My children know to apologise and that we will talk about later.

I don't think anyone will know what happened that day - but I have boy/girl twins who are in high school now and they were in a three-form primary so 90 kids their age of which about 55 where boys....and I completely disagree with you that boys shove and push - only a few of the cheeky/aggie ones do - the majority of boys do not shove and push. If you think this is standard behaviour for boys to shove and push than it might be extended to consider that your son thinks its standard behaviour too.

You've already said you do this, to the point that you have made children cry.

Add in all of your snarky jibes about the other parents, and the way you've responded to posters here who have dared to disagree with you I'm not surprised that you are kept on the edge - you come across as a complete pain in the ass, who excuses your own child's pushing and shoving as "boys", but when it's other kids they're "terrorising" him. You freely admit you've told those other kids off to the point THEY have cried, and yet, when your boy does exactly the same to a smaller child you're on here giving out about a parent telling him off and making him cry.

You're a full blown hypocrite, and, from your posts, pretty unpleasant with it.

They're not a clique - they just don't like you. Apparently for good reason.

And no doubt you'll come back at me, instead of reflecting on the contradictions in your actions (and posts) - but I'm not little boy you can make cry, and I really don't care what crap you'll post to justify why it's ok for you to tell off other people's kids for pushing and shoving your child, but not for someone else to tell your child off for doing the same.

I mean this is basically it.

I too look forward to the essay telling you that you're clearly just nasty as well.

I said to a little boy who was holding a stick and about to throw it into another boy's face 'dont throw it'. He burst into tears. His minder was staring at her phone. When I said they sometimes cry that's what I mean. It's the only time that I can think of that a child cried when I asked them to stop doing something. I didn't lose the plot with him. I've never said anything more than that and no where in my posts have I ever said that I had. I didn't like that he cried but if I didn't say something the other kid was going to get hurt.
I didn't say he pushes and shoves. I said that he is naturally boisterous. Ie he likes the games of tag, climbing trees, he will join in with big running games etc. some boys are timid and don't like that type of play. He may run fast not look where he is going and bump into someone. If loads of boys are carrying a really big stick he'll want to join in if I don't stop him. Etc.
4 or 5 mothers who always stand in a huddle, don't speak to anyone else and don't like others joining in are a clique. If other people notice them being unfriendly too I think you can be fairly sure that's a clique.
I don't get the feeling that people don't like me apart from that group of women. Everyone else from my children's classes are friendly and welcoming to me. The woman in question I have almost never spoken to because she is very unfriendly and only speaks to her few friends.

Essay above enjoy !!

I don't meekly say no pushing I firmly say no pushing and they often cry when I say it.

So is it often or was it only once?