Another parent angrily speaks to my child in playground

[TheBrightBear]

There's a new playground beside my kids school. In my opinion it is really badly laid out and part of it is fenced off from the other part, and you can't see through the fence, and due to this is very hard to completely fully watch the children. I was watching my 2 year old and when I looked up another mother was losing the plot with my older child age 7. The fence was in the way of my view. She claimed he had deliberately knocked down her child. I didn't see due to the angle, maybe he did...it would be uncharacteristic of him to have done it on purpose but I suppose possible. I took her word for it and apologised and checked that her child was ok. He was. When I turned around my child had vanished. He had run out of the playground and was hiding in some bushes trembling and shaking. I eventually got him back to the car and he curled up on the floor of it continuing to cry. A friend helped me persuade him to go back to the playground for a little bit so that he wouldn't be afraid to return the next time. He was very upset for the rest of the day and still subdued at bedtime. This woman is a parent at my children's school. I am wondering if I should speak to her and tell her the consequence of her actions as it seemed like a massive overreaction. My son was unable to tell me what she said but I think it must have been very strong as he is usually fairly thick skinned. She is part of an unfriendly clique of mums and I am afraid her reaction to him was something to do with nasty gossip between them. They are very social climber-esque and I am not good enough for them and I feel because of that it was acceptable to her to behave like that towards my child. Honestly in all the years in outdoor settings and playgrounds including during the pandemic I have never seen a parent going off on someone else's child like that. I am afraid of it happening again and we have to wait in that playground a lot as my oldest is collected from school at a later time to my 7 year old. I feel a bit powerless because it was a complete overreaction and also I have bitten my own lip so many times when bad behaviour has been directed towards my own children...the most I would ever say is 'no throwing', 'take turns' etc.

💔 I’m fuming on your behalf, OP.
It’s not quite the same but my next door neighbour’s kids were mean to my DD when she was about 6 and I can’t tell you how many times I avoided speaking to their parents for the sake of neighbourly relations and the regret still eats me up now when I think of it, years later. Don’t be me!
My parents never ever defended me to other kids/parents either, growing up. All kids get wrongly accused a time or two in their childhood and it can cut surprisingly deeply when you’re not defended by your parent/s. That might account for some of why your son was subdued - though I’m absolutely not criticising you! You did what you thought was right at the time and you obviously regret that now. Been there! 🩵

Right well my child isn't like that. He's incoherent and then says he can't remember or doesn't know. It's the first time something like this has happened to me so I don't think he generally expects me to apologise on his behalf without knowing the facts.

Exactly 🤦‍♀️ he wasn't expecting to you to apologise for somthing he hadn't done. No wonder he was so upset afterwards.

I suspect his reaction was more to do with feeling let down by his mum than the woman shouting at him

Thanks so much. I really appreciate it. It is possible that he was in the wrong....I don't think I'm ever going to really find out and I'm not convinced the other mother knew fully either. It was her over reaction that was the issue really. Even if he definitely in a pre meditated way tried to hurt her child (unlikely) it was still really harsh. Lots of other parents saw her and seemed to think it was unpleasant. I got some messages this evening from mothers who were there checking in and saying how horrible and scary it was for him.

He was already crying and he ran away as I was talking to her. He didn't hear. I didn't realise that he had run off....she was facing him and could have told me but didn't. The other mothers were watching and saw where he went. I thought by her reaction that her son must have been really hurt which is why I focused on her but he seemed fine and wasn't crying. You are most definitely incorrect. He was afraid of her.

My son has been teased and tormented by two of them outside school in this park all year. They chase him, name call and throw sticks at him and their parents never tell them off.

They were probably tormenting him and he finally had enough and pushed them away. I don't think you did anything wrong but I think you need to speak to the school about the bullying and the mum yelling at him

The fact that they watch their kids bully your ds and say nothing but yell at your ds says it all really.

First, you can't control what she says about you or your child to others, so I'd let that go.

Second, if you spoke to me if I'd had reason to tell your child off because they'd hurt mine (she believes deliberately) and told me your son was upset by what took place, I wouldn't care and I doubt she will either. I'd consider it a lesson they needed to learn about not deliberately pushing kids over. (Not saying that is what happened, just that is what she believes).

I think you may as well let it go and keep him closer to you next time. With the number of kids I've had, I've often had multiple ages together and you just work it out somehow. Maybe some time in the bigger kid area and some time in the smaller kid area, with both kids in each?

You said she's posh....next time she tries anything get in to her face and rock her posh little world....I can guarantee she's never been told to f*ck off before....she'll leave you alone after that 😅

Different children to the one today. Off school property. Is it bullying if my kid is bigger than theirs? That's part of the problem..he is tall. Easy to think everything is his fault.

I don't care if she thinks that. I'm still saying it to her. I've had to tell children off and I'm fully aware that even saying 'no throwing' can make them cry sometimes. It's intimidating when an unfamiliar adult gives out to a child. The parents who saw the incident thought she had gone too far. Her child wasn't hurt at all. I checked. She is just a nasty horrible person and sounds like you aren't particularly understanding if you would be prepared to speak to a young child like that and not believe that you went too far. A normal person who lost it would be aware that they had been nasty and cruel. It's not normal to behave like her. As I said in ten years of standing in playgrounds I've never seen anything like it. She was standing on the wrong side of the fence too.

OP I’m a bit confused as to what she did to
your son?

You say you’ve never seen anything like it, but your son won’t tell you what happened?

You should absolutely terrify them. My god, it’s completely okay to shout at someone’s child if that child is terrorising someone else’s. Completely. Are you saying if an older kid came and shoved your 2 year old in front of you you’d just meekly say “no pushing please”? Grow a backbone. This is why there are so many children with appalling behaviour- they know nobody is “allowed” to tell them off so good on anyone who ignores that stupid rule.
If your kid did push the little one then he will be shouted at. Simples. The mum might be wrong about what happened but also your son might be so upset because he knows he’s wrong and got called out on it.

I’m sorry OP, some of these threads are not very supportive. I would have been hurt and livid on behalf of my poor child! She had absolutely no right to speak to another child like that and she’s lucky she didn’t pick the wrong parent and get a crack! So many people would have given her a lot of grief for this! She may have been having a bad day or is just a total B1tCh pardon my French! Poor child, this type of thing sticks with them for ages and will be an unhappy memory now! I would be very calm and polite but next time you see her explain how your son and yourself have felt and that she is not to ever have contact with him again. I’d also mention it to school so they are aware of the altercation just incase she wants to volunteer/fo on a school trip etc. I’m sorry this has happened x

He won't/isn't able to tell me about the other boy falling. She gave out to him very strongly. It seemed to me like she was shouting but I couldn't hear what she was saying as her back was to me and he doesn't know/can't remember. Her body language was aggressive to him.

FFS - why are these type of things always the fault of the OP??

She's clearly explained the layout of the park - try out your reading and comprehension skills before laying into the OP 🙄

I don't meekly say no pushing I firmly say no pushing and they often cry when I say it. No I should not absolutely terrify them. We are all going to the same school, already their behaviour is improving. I don't see any point in terrifying them just to make a big statement to their mothers.i can assure you in this school there are no children with 'appalling' behaviour . There is some pushing, some throwing of sticks, some name calling. They seem to stop doing it as they grow older.

Thanks for the support and yes I agree. And basically she is a total b1tch and I should have let rip at her. At first I assumed her child was injured as I couldn't believe someone would do that for very little reason and so I was apologetic but he was fine.

You still don’t get it- you should have focused on your son, checked in on him, not apologised to the woman and checked on her child first.

You seem strangely obsessed and preoccupied with her and her reaction when your first duty is to your son and his wellbeing. Personally in this situation, I’m sorry to say, I think you’ve let your son down badly here and been disloyal to him.

Hell would freeze over before I apologised to an adult who was letting rip at my child rather than first check my child is OK/ tell the adult to stop bullying a small child.

OP you sound so reasonable to me. Of course you'd apologise as a natural first instinct in that situation, I can totally relate to that.

I just wanted to send you a message of support. You stick up for your son and do what is right for you and your family. Never mind what any other mum clique group say and think of you after. She did wrong, you're in the right to call her out for it if you want to.

As for the history around these boys not being kind to your son at school - speak to the headteacher if its happening on the school grounds and keep the pressure on to make it stop.

Good luck

I think you need to separate what’s happened here. Regardless of who she is she spoke to your child in a poor manner. You and your child were shocked. Maybe you could have reacted differently but in the moment it was tricky. I think you really need to get to the bottom of what happened. Persuading him to draw it with you etc. Then speak to her if you need to. But it may make the situation worse you may be better mentioning to school how he reacted so they are aware.

So you make other kids cry when you tell them off and this woman made your son cry when she told him off fir pushing her son over. Seems the same to me.

Also, you're not alone in having children of this age who find it difficult to articulate things! Particularly difficult situations.

We've found a daily dairy like Happy, Confident Me has helped us open up conversations, feelings, being able to articulate things better at home from our children at this age. May help in the future more generally

Agree with posters also mentioning drawing or other creative outlets that your son may like to try to explain what happened when he feels able to.

I would approach the mum in the playground but keep it friendly. “Hiya, how are you? What actually happened in the playground the other day? I didn’t see it all and he’s still upset about it and won’t tell me why.” Gauge her response and go from there.

I think it depends on whether you get some sort of understandable explanation from this woman. I've seen kids this age do dangerous things at the park and could understand shouting if say a smaller child nearly got injured for example.

If no reasonable explanation then tell your DS to stay away from this woman and that she's not a safe person. I think kids do need to learn that not all adults are good people.