Another parent angrily speaks to my child in playground

[TheBrightBear]

There's a new playground beside my kids school. In my opinion it is really badly laid out and part of it is fenced off from the other part, and you can't see through the fence, and due to this is very hard to completely fully watch the children. I was watching my 2 year old and when I looked up another mother was losing the plot with my older child age 7. The fence was in the way of my view. She claimed he had deliberately knocked down her child. I didn't see due to the angle, maybe he did...it would be uncharacteristic of him to have done it on purpose but I suppose possible. I took her word for it and apologised and checked that her child was ok. He was. When I turned around my child had vanished. He had run out of the playground and was hiding in some bushes trembling and shaking. I eventually got him back to the car and he curled up on the floor of it continuing to cry. A friend helped me persuade him to go back to the playground for a little bit so that he wouldn't be afraid to return the next time. He was very upset for the rest of the day and still subdued at bedtime. This woman is a parent at my children's school. I am wondering if I should speak to her and tell her the consequence of her actions as it seemed like a massive overreaction. My son was unable to tell me what she said but I think it must have been very strong as he is usually fairly thick skinned. She is part of an unfriendly clique of mums and I am afraid her reaction to him was something to do with nasty gossip between them. They are very social climber-esque and I am not good enough for them and I feel because of that it was acceptable to her to behave like that towards my child. Honestly in all the years in outdoor settings and playgrounds including during the pandemic I have never seen a parent going off on someone else's child like that. I am afraid of it happening again and we have to wait in that playground a lot as my oldest is collected from school at a later time to my 7 year old. I feel a bit powerless because it was a complete overreaction and also I have bitten my own lip so many times when bad behaviour has been directed towards my own children...the most I would ever say is 'no throwing', 'take turns' etc.

Okay if I were you I’d focus on building his resilience and being accountable. He needs to learn to own his actions. Hiding in a bush and being nonverbal because someone called him out is not good. I agree with the pp - he probably did do something wrong and he knows it. Stop dismissing it as boys playing rough and tumble. Teach him that it is not acceptable to push people and that if he does it anyway, he will get a telling off from whoever sees it. If he does do it, he should apologise to the person he pushed, not run away and hide. It won’t happen immediately but trust me if you raise him to take responsibility, he will turn out far better.

I agree that you can, and should, be able to give another child a stern talking to if they are behaving in a way that is harmful towards your child and their parents aren't intercepting.

I think it's the idea that you should absolutely terrify them that I find strange for an adult to say in the context of a child. My goal is to make them stop what they're doing, not scare them (and there's a big difference between being upset because you've been told off and scared).

I didn't say bullying though did I. They were getting a bit out of hand because their mothers weren't intervening. I told him to come and stand beside me any time they did that. Occasionally they would come and hit him right beside me. Id say stop hitting, throwing etc. The mums still didn't care. That's not bullying though and I never said it was.

Oh right so the word bullying is hyperbole but the word terrorising is not…. Okay then.
Im getting a distinct “boys will be boys” vibe here too. Would you also say it’s normal for girls of that age to push each other around?

And yes that is awful behaviour. Not normal stuff that should just be ignored. I don’t understand how any parent can watch their child hitting someone else and doing nothing. Nor can I understand how anyone can watch their own child being hit and not saying anything.

I personally would say as little as possible. Usually 'stop hitting' is enough from a strange parent. They may be full of bravado but it can still make them cry. I'm not in it to teach them a lesson...i just want to stop the behaviour in the moment. Most middle class kids are not going to be thumping people with sticks and pushing them over when they are adults. The kids I really don't like are the ones that are good as gold in front of their parents and the teacher and then find sneaky ways to be horrible to other children and not get caught. The ones who taunt the special needs kids and make them cry etc and then look totally innocent. Those are the real bullies.

Well yeah and that was literally the sort of thing I was talking about so you do agree it is bullying. I was not talking about your son when I discussed bullying - I said a zero tolerance approach needs to be taken and that can involve telling off other people’s kids if you see it. There are a lot of kids like that about and they usually turn on the tears to their parents if they get told off, who genuinely believe that their little darling would never behave that way. But they do and they should not be allowed to get away with it.
SEN kids very often get bullied and I would bet my bottom dollar that the majority of the parents of the kids who tease them would swear blind that their kid would never do that and that they are not bullies. Yet they are - lots of children are.

I'm very much a believer that you should never tell off another child (that you don't know or have the parents permission to do so) and speak to the parents. No matter the situation. The other parent should have approached you and spoke to you about it.

A child threw a stone at my DS head the other week in the park - I left the other parent to deal with it once we established who had did what. It's not unreasonable for a 7 year old to play away from you in the park and be slightly out of eye line. Its common in our park next to school for parents to sit at the edge and child to play (its a largish park)

If my child had been shouted at by other parent, he would have run away and been very withdrawn about the incident. He doesn't do well with others telling him off other than me. He is also aware he shouldn't speak to a adult he does not know no matter if they appear to be a parent of another child.

In terms of the nasty gossip - try to rise above it. I've had a similar situation where one of my children was labelled a bully by a parent - for an incident that was reciprocated or started (school blamed both children equally) with her child. (it was playfighting that ended in someone getting hurt) I just rose above it and started both children were involved to any parent that asked.

Most middle class kids are not going to be thumping people with sticks and pushing them over when they are adults.

I will overlook the blatant classism here. BUT no they won’t be but they might be abusive towards their intimate partners, they might be bullies in the workplace, or engage in horrible behaviour online. So they don’t just “grow out of it” and become nice people if there is no consequences to their horrible behaviour.

The bullies I went to school with were nasty by age 7, even worse at 14 and are still generally unpleasant adults from what I can see.

Again I am not talking about your DS here, just bullying in general. Being middle class doesn’t mean you will magically grow up to be a fine human being.

Sorry to hear this op.

It does make me maybe change my previous advice if he acted similarly when the teacher told him off. I was assuming this mum must have gone way OTT to cause his reaction, but I’m guessing the teacher didn’t, so it may just be your DS’s way to react.

I think in that case grilling her on what she said to him may be less warranted.

I'm sorry this happened to you but the moment if I ever saw another parent losing the plot with my child, I would have lost the plot with her and wouldn't care who she was. The correct protocol is to ask the child where the parent is and go from there. Re approach her and ask if she actually assaulted your child and should you need to contact the police and then watch her squirm which will tell you what really happened. I agree it takes a village to raise a child but not to an extent where the child has been shook with fear and trembling and shut down. No one I mean no one has the right to do that!

1. Does your child have additional needs?

2. How many of the other parents have accused your son of bullying?

I disagree with the statement you should never tell off another child.

There's been more than one occasion at soft play where a child has been behaving aggressively towards my child or others children. I'd much prefer the parent to intercept, but that doesn't always happen and I don't particularly want to waste several minutes trying to identify the parent whilst their child continues to push or throw blocks at my child or whatever it is they're doing.

I'm sorry this happened, OP. I think some of the replies have put you slightly on the defensive, but you're right, no adult should really be yelling at or being aggressive towards someone else's child (or their own either, ideally). Personally I think that if you play in communal areas with your kids, you need to be prepared for other adults to intervene if necessary to protect their children, but accidents happen and aggression towards other people's kids is never justified.

Telling them off yes, not shouting at them

It's a middle class school, every single child is in there I am just stating the obvious. Those type of kids will be unpleasant whatever you do, they'll just me more refined about it. It's their personality.

Bullying: The repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power.

it is bullying! "I was only messing" is the number one excuse people give and its bullshit. Oh sorry, boys will be boys. 😒🙄

Wait...so YOU have made other children cry (your sentence reads like it's happened more than once?!) and that's fine, but someone shouting at your child isn't allowed...?

It’s not right to yell like a fish wife at a strangers child. Even if they are badly misbehaving it is pretty easy to be firm calm authoritative to them like a teacher or guide leader would be without being actually nasty and upsetting them.

Had a weird incident with dd at a similar age she was a really “good” easy child who I rarely needed to discipline. She generally wanted to please and was quite grown up for her age. We did a pick up share for an activity with another family and she was upset after I collected her. She said the mum had really yelled at her and shouted “would you do that at home”. Never got to the bottom of her crime. I never mentioned it to the mum who always presented as sickly sweet but 10 years later Dd still hates her!

Actually I think you handled it quite well. You didn't have all the facts, you were committed to your infant at the time and your 7 year old was in a place he felt safe.
You apologised to the bully which would have pacified her at the time and de-esculated the situation which is important for children to see - safe playground, adults not causing more drama.
Then you attempted to speak to your child in his own space (car) but he was too shaken up.
I would explain to him that you were very proud of him for not retaliating at the mum and that she should never have raised her voice at him. Teach him that in those situations, the most he needs to do is say where you are to discuss things further.
I would also tell him you will be challenging her when he's not there because adults who are hungry or tired (likely root cause of her ott behaviour) should not be taking their day out on children, least of all strangers.

I have known lots of parents (and teachers) who ask that question of children over the years and I always think it’s particularly spiteful and controlling.

Even if uttered in a curious way, it is still a shaming, passive aggressive trap for the child. “ No” confirms their misbehaviour and “ yes” is tantamount to betraying their family: “ Yup we are all uncivilised brutes who do not meet your standards.”

Most children freeze when confronted by the choice - though I do remember one sassy girl at school whom I rather liked saying firmly: Yup! All the time!” with sufficient nonchalance that the teacher backed off, realising she’d have to unpack her insult and fully reveal her intent to get any leverage!

I just say stop throwing. I don't rip into them. They are throwing sticks at other children's heads etc and their mothers are about 50 meters away. What am I supposed to do. I often seem to be the only parent around because I do supervise and the other parents don't. It's not the same. I said that to point out that there is no need to lay into a child....they shocked by a small comment. They sometimes cry for a minute when I say it. They aren't crying for the whole afternoon and scared to go to school

I’m really sorry to hear how your DS has taken it op, and, like you, I would be feeling really upset for him.

At first I thought his response must have been because the woman totally overdid it; but because you have mentioned the only other time he was reprimanded (by a teacher), he also was extremely upset, I think it is either just the way your DS responds, or perhaps he just hadn’t had much “practice” if he is well-behaved. But it means his reaction isn’t the “gotcha” I was thinking it was ie; she may or may not have overdone it. It’s possible she had a perfectly proportionate response to whatever he did.

In circumstances where you aren’t sure what she said or exactly what he actually did/ his it came about, I think you may cause more harm than good by pursuing it further. If he’s overreacted you will only cast him in a poorer light than you worry he may already be viewed in - though I sympathise with your protective instinct.

My advice earlier was the opposite, but your updates have caused me to rethink unless you can get him to open up with some facts. 💐

You should deliver professional development days in schools on classroom management if you have the ability to "just say" stop to children and make the both stop and cry as a result.

I personally would speak to the mother. It is your job to parent your child, not hers. If there are incidents in future she must come to you, not your child, and then you will decide what is appropriate. I would also state that if there are any future incidents of the this nature between her and your child, you will be taking it further e.g speak to the school about her inappropriate interactions with children