Another parent angrily speaks to my child in playground

[TheBrightBear]

There's a new playground beside my kids school. In my opinion it is really badly laid out and part of it is fenced off from the other part, and you can't see through the fence, and due to this is very hard to completely fully watch the children. I was watching my 2 year old and when I looked up another mother was losing the plot with my older child age 7. The fence was in the way of my view. She claimed he had deliberately knocked down her child. I didn't see due to the angle, maybe he did...it would be uncharacteristic of him to have done it on purpose but I suppose possible. I took her word for it and apologised and checked that her child was ok. He was. When I turned around my child had vanished. He had run out of the playground and was hiding in some bushes trembling and shaking. I eventually got him back to the car and he curled up on the floor of it continuing to cry. A friend helped me persuade him to go back to the playground for a little bit so that he wouldn't be afraid to return the next time. He was very upset for the rest of the day and still subdued at bedtime. This woman is a parent at my children's school. I am wondering if I should speak to her and tell her the consequence of her actions as it seemed like a massive overreaction. My son was unable to tell me what she said but I think it must have been very strong as he is usually fairly thick skinned. She is part of an unfriendly clique of mums and I am afraid her reaction to him was something to do with nasty gossip between them. They are very social climber-esque and I am not good enough for them and I feel because of that it was acceptable to her to behave like that towards my child. Honestly in all the years in outdoor settings and playgrounds including during the pandemic I have never seen a parent going off on someone else's child like that. I am afraid of it happening again and we have to wait in that playground a lot as my oldest is collected from school at a later time to my 7 year old. I feel a bit powerless because it was a complete overreaction and also I have bitten my own lip so many times when bad behaviour has been directed towards my own children...the most I would ever say is 'no throwing', 'take turns' etc.

No... it's not ok to terrify or lose it by shouting at somebody else's child. You should model the behaviour you expect to see. By aggressively shouting so badly you terrify them, you'd be sending the message that it's also acceptable for them to do that to their friends when they don't like something, when it's not. You wouldn't expect an adult to terrify you by shouting if you made a mistake (say, a minor traffic accident) and you'd report that behaviour, so why does it seem acceptable to terrify a strangers child?

I'm not saying that children shouldn't be disciplined, including when they're not your own. I've certainly told older children off for pushing and hitting my smaller children before, but a firm look and an assertive "no pushing/hitting, let's play nicely"/"remember we're watching"/etc. is all that's needed... if it had escalated or been ignored, I would have either spoken to their parents and/or removed my own children. You can be assertive and establish boundaries without going over the top and terrifying someone.

Thanks for the support and yes I agree. And basically she is a total b1tch and I should have let rip at her. At first I assumed her child was injured as I couldn't believe someone would do that for very little reason and so I was apologetic but he was fine.

OP, there is a suitable response between letting rip and meekly apologising to someone who is clearly out of line. Kindly, you have referenced their social status several times, so I imagine you were hesitant to confront this woman and feel mildly intimidated if she is part of this clique you describe. However, you must advocate for your child and find your voice.

As hard as you may find it, confronting this woman firmly will put your child at ease and affirm yourself as his guardian. Next time you see her don't be sheepish, I would approach her and say that what she did crossed a line and to not address your child aggressively again, following up with smile and glad we are clear on that.... kind of thing.

Don't acquiesce to this woman's treatment of your son. Shaking and hiding in a bush isn't a normal reaction to a ticking off.

I would probably keep any discussion with her out of the school to be honest. It is very easy for the school to ban you both from the school if there is conflict and she sounds like she won't take the point in a contrite way.

Is the dividing fence decorative or necessary for a structural reason? I would contact them council and highlight the issue it is causing if you think it can be redesigned. Sometimes these ideas look great on paper to someone who doesn't have young kids but the execution of it isn't working.

I also completely get why you couldn't trail around the 7 year old when you've got a younger child.

You describe these other kids as having “teased and tormented” your son all year yet they cry when you gently tell them to stop? If they are your son’s age, seven is way too old for the sort of behaviour kids naturally grow out of. A kid of seven who throws things at another child or calls them names absolutely needs telling off, not just hoping that they will grow out of it.

The whole thing sounds wildly inconsistent. But you said you make the tormenting kids cry, the other mum makes your kid cry and I can’t see how her giving him a telling off would provoke such a massive reaction from him.

You are lucky if there is no bad behaviour at your child’s school because at many schools, the general behaviour is terrible, including violence towards other children and many parents are frankly unwilling to just leave it to the totally ineffective parenting of the bully-children.

I think you need to ask her exactly what she said op.

Firstly, as she isn’t a stranger you will never encounter again, you need her to know she hasn’t intimidated you to the point you won’t address it and that she can’t lay into your DS again. She sounds like a bully.

Secondly, if he isn’t telling you what happened and what was said, you actually need to get to the bottom of it to be able to support him.

I would just ask her very calmly, very factually what she said to him exactly. I think you mentioned you had a friend there? Use that to support your position and say he was upset beyond what you and your friend felt he normally would be for an appropriate reprimand. Don’t let on he’s told you nothing or she’ll lie through her teeth.

It genuinely depends on what the child has done. If it is deliberate violence aimed at a younger child then absolutely you should give them a telling off and shout at them. Not for making a mistake but for deliberately inflicting harm. If I did that to an adult (went up and pushed them over for instance), I would expect severe backlash.

My friends DH has a son with autism and he’s often the target for bullying. Last year, the dad let rip at a couple of 9 year olds in the park who were bullying his son. I saw it and the dad was definitely in the right - the boys were cruel little shits and were pushing his disabled DS about and really upsetting him. However, one of their mums came storming over, said he wasn’t allowed to tell her son off and then took both boys to the ice cream stand to reward them. She also swore blind that her son would never bully but so do 99% of parents of bullies and we know it happens all the time.

What??
We were out on the 'rec by ourselves at 7
What age do you think children 'have to face things alone?'
Christ on a bike.

If the other children behave as you say here, why did you automatically believe this woman and apologise before asking your son what happened? It sounds like you have allowed your wanting to be liked by this woman/you being intimidated by her over shadow you standing up for your son

She wasn’t sure what happened. It’s not unreasonable to take an adult’s version as accurate and it was only thereafter that op had reason to question whether the woman’s response was disproportionate. Now she has reason to query the woman’s judgment, she is.

I can understand why you'd apologise straight away, I would it's almost an instinct reaction for me personally, yes maybe I should be more confident etc but in the heat of the moment I'd apologise first then ask my child.
I agree with a pp who phrases speaking to the other parent like I didn't see what happened, son is still very upset, please can you tell me more?
I don't have much experience with this as my child is only 2 but a boy of 3 came over to her in the park recently and pushed her and grabbed her, then went to stamp on her hands. I didn't say anything as the boy was so young I just said oh she doesn't like that she might get hurt and removed my child but he went to grab her again so the mum came running over and said I didn't see what happened, and immediately starting apologising and telling her boy to apologise, so I think it's normal to apologise first!

I have no idea what this woman said or did, so have no idea what 'like that' even is, so no idea if it was fair or not. I don't know if your son is upset because she spoke to him fairly and firmly and he's just shocked to be called out by someone, or if she went off on him screaming and swearing.

I do know that if a child, who was unsupervised, deliberately pushed my child over, whether they were injured or not, I wouldn't feel bad about telling them that it's not nice to push and that's not how we behave in playgrounds.

You said your child might have done it, so you clearly think he is capable of it. Adults do have the right to respond fairly if your child deliberately does something unkind to them. If you said anything to me about how upset your unsupervised child was, assuming I'd addressed them fairly, it would just reinforce my opinion of why it was necessary for them to be spoken to by another parent in the first place.

Say whatever you want to this mother, I just don't think it will help your case with the other mothers that you are concerned about talking.

You need to know what happened - from your child. It doesn’t sound as though something really bad happened, but it isn’t good that he won’t say anything. Leave it a day or two and then try to speak to him again, with lots of reassurance from you.

I’d then approach her and say you now understand what happened, there was no need for her aggression, and she is never to speak to your child again like that. I’d do it in front of her friends, to be honest. Firmly delivered, and then walk off.

I think that was op’s position at the time; the reaction of her DS, however, has now made her wonder if it was, indeed, a “ fair” talking to.

And if the other mothers have said that the woman in question went too far, why can't they say what happened? Obviously they heard and saw what did happen.

Some kids will react strongly to being told off in even the gentlest way. Obviously yelling is not acceptable.

Sometimes it's better to just let kid things blow over. Things happen with kids. If the son did push deliberately and is this upset, you can bet he probably won't do it again. If a big deal is made out of it then it stays in people's mind rather than gets forgotten and can affect the child further on the playground at school.

If OP told me off and I had been fair and told me to never tell her son off again, I'd suggest that she make sure her son doesn't push mine again so I don't have to.

I totally agree it is a normal reaction to apologise first but given how the other children have behaved in the past and what OP has said about this woman gossiping about her son, OP should have checked with her son first.

Sometimes things happen fast and you don't have the perfect response at the time.

To be honest if a stranger started shouting and behaving aggressively to ds in a playground I wouldn't be apologising to them. I would've said I will get to the bottom of what happened and deal with him appropriately, I do not think that gives you the right to scream and shout at a child. It might be how you parent but it isn't ok, he is 7 years old.

And fuck her and her clique.

The other mother sounds like a cow. Tell her in no uncertain terms not to speak to your son again. If she has a problem, she speaks to you. End of. Who cares if she’s the Queen of Sheba - she doesn’t get to berate a little kid.

To all those saying “well he must have done something wrong”, this is twaddle. My DS has never pushed another child in his life until the time he defended a friend from a third kid who attacked them. DS got between them and pushed the aggressor away. Aggro kid’s mum came storming up saying my DS had attacked hers. Luckily a third mum had seen the whole thing and said what really happened.

Shouting at children isn't effective it's just a loss of control by an adult. You feel better because you've taken your anger out on a child.
You can be firm and have immediate consequences without shouting. Otherwise what are you modelling?

Personally I'd have slapped her silly, whether my child was guilty or not would be irrelevant to me at that time. Nobody has the right to verbally attack my child.

Don’t lose your shit when you talk to her. Make sure the children aren’t about and calmly state that while you supported her at the time, you would prefer her to let you know if your child is out of order so you can deal with it. Tell her it’s inappropriate for an adult to severely frighten a seven year old whatever the circumstances.

Be the sensible grown up and don’t be intimidated by her poshness.

When they can deal with another adult shouting at them without dissolving into a shaking mess. I too “played out” as a child. I wouldn’t have if there had been an incident like this because it wouldn’t have been appropriate. Ooo is raising her child now not you in a totally different time and place.

And get charged with assault? Great idea.

In the 80s another parent would have given us a smack on the backside if we pushed their child and no-one would have batted an eyelid. Teachers did it too. We just got on with it after though. (No, I don't think that was acceptable or should happen ever, it's just how it was for us).