Partner heavy handed /disrespectful/abusive to kids

[Cyanne0]

Hello, I've 3 children ages 2,4 and 6 .Been with partner 8 years (not married)
So over an 8 year period, these are the incidents that have happened involving him and the children.

General shouting at them when they won't go to sleep, intimidating.
Squeezing my sons head when he wouldn't eat a sausage saying "eat it" he was 3 years old.
Pushing son off bed in a rage
Throwing a water bottle near son's head, shouting go to bed, in frustration.
3 year old daughter, cos she wouldn't stop crying, when i was out at bedtime, and was over tired, put her hands round neck and squeezed, apparently child couldn't breath. She told me a week later, was horrified, i told my GP, they escalated to social services which was pleased about. They did nothing to be honest.
Its been a year passed since that awful incident. He didn't show huge remorse, and i had to beg him to apologise to my poor daughter, he eventually did but it didn't come from the heart.
I was going to end it a year ago but he went on meds and appeared more positive and calmer and happier.
But yesterday morning at 7am his two children were giggling in the morning and they came into his bedroom and I could hear him saying shut up and go away to them.. (we sleep in separate rooms cos of his snoring). I rushed down as he sounded stressed. Then he went in their room (they are only 4 and 6)and shouted "are you fucking thick or something shut the fuck up" he was raging, absolutely fuming at 7am. That level of anger i find intimidating, disrespectful and just awful. He wouldn't apologise to them when I asked and just said "il say what i want to my kids" and I'm not being lectured by you.
I'm at breaking point with the disrespect of this person. On the flip side he is 90% loving and fine with them and they love him. But I can't stay with soemone who shows this level of disrespect and abuse to his children.
I'm scared to end it cos I'm scared he will react and refuse to leave but I can't keep giving him chance after chance and im not happy.
Please be kind & thoughts please :(

The important thing is to do it safely, so glad you’ve started taking steps. Women’s aid and the police should be able to help you with safety plan however you go about separating you and your children from him.

It can be very overwhelming to leave but you’ve started it, good for you.

What @Rockhopper1 & @ThighsYouCantControl said. You absolutely must end things & cease contact but some of us understand there are safety concerns. You're doing the right thing, keep being brave.

Don't forget the link I posted about the restraining order

Thank you so much. X support over criticism is always more effective. I think emotional abuse over years is a real thing x

You must feel very scared . You’re doing all the right things & being very brave . I hope the police were helpful ? Trust yourself - you’re clearly a compassionate, resourceful & strong person . Please don’t let anyone talk you into giving him another chance . x

@Cyanne0 You are taking all the right steps.

@Rockhopper1 summed up your situation and has shown compassion and understanding. Some posters would do well to read her posts.

Hopefully all the services will be combining and working together to ensure yours and your children's safety which is the priority. Good luck to you as you go forward. There will be many here rooting for you and wishing you strength and courage in the future.

I understand it’s frustrating to watch other people stay in these situations but I don’t think it’s effective or helpful to take shots at them and tell them how crap they are. Emotional abuse is a very real thing- it’s just as bad as physical abuse in a lot of ways as it can stay with you for a long time, sometimes forever and affect your self esteem, the decisions you make in life and destroy your sense of self.

Being kind, gentle and pussy footing around is all very well. But the firmer posts comes from people seeing the reality and being terrified. It is a realistic possibility that this man will kill his child, if it is accidentally that doesn't make a difference. The child is still dead. Every single one of us has read a story where the man has flipped then killed his kids, "his woman" then often himself. It's terror. Not abuse.

Being pragmatic and offering advice based on personal experience and trying to be kind to someone at the same time is not “pussyfooting”. I wouldn’t even call it gentle. I believe I pointed out to the OP in my first post on this thread that she needs to get rid of him to keep her children safe or he could and would kill one of them one day. That’s not gentle. I haven’t once said OP has done the right thing staying with him for this long already. Because she knows that. I see little point on joining a pile on.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship myself. I’ve adamantly told people that while my ex was terrible to me he was a “good dad” to our children because he was nice to them most of the time. It took a while to admit that being nice to them most of the time didn’t make up in any way for the times he wasn’t nice to them and that the children witnessing their mother being abused and being bullied and belittled and frightened by him was also abuse.