Page 3 | Partner heavy handed /disrespectful/abusive to kids

Cyanne0 · 2025-03-01T18:41:28+00:00

Hello, I've 3 children ages 2,4 and 6 .Been with partner 8 years (not married) So over an 8 year period, these are the incidents that have happened involving him and the children. General shouting at them when they won't go to sleep, intimidating. Squeezing my sons head when he wouldn't eat a sausage saying "eat it" he was 3 years old. Pushing son off bed in a rage Throwing a water bottle near son's head, shouting go to bed, in frustration. 3 year old daughter, cos she wouldn't stop crying, when i was out at bedtime, and was over tired, put her hands round neck and squeezed, apparently child couldn't breath. She told me a week later, was horrified, i told my GP, they escalated to social services which was pleased about. They did nothing to be honest. Its been a year passed since that awful incident. He didn't show huge remorse, and i had to beg him to apologise to my poor daughter, he eventually did but it didn't come from the heart. I was going to end it a year ago but he went on meds and appeared more positive and calmer and happier. But yesterday morning at 7am his two children were giggling in the morning and they came into his bedroom and I could hear him saying shut up and go away to them.. (we sleep in separate rooms cos of his snoring). I rushed down as he sounded stressed. Then he went in their room (they are only 4 and 6)and shouted "are you fucking thick or something shut the fuck up" he was raging, absolutely fuming at 7am. That level of anger i find intimidating, disrespectful and just awful. He wouldn't apologise to them when I asked and just said "il say what i want to my kids" and I'm not being lectured by you. I'm at breaking point with the disrespect of this person. On the flip side he is 90% loving and fine with them and they love him. But I can't stay with soemone who shows this level of disrespect and abuse to his children. I'm scared to end it cos I'm scared he will react and refuse to leave but I can't keep giving him chance after chance and im not happy. Please be kind & thoughts please :(

onetwothreefourfive11 · 01/03/2025 21:39

Why aren't you protecting your children?

Stop trying to figure him out , get him out the house and protect your children!!!!!

ThighsYouCantControl · 01/03/2025 21:40

Your children are in mortal danger, he could kill any one of them. Strangling/hands round neck is a huge red flag in domestic violence situations, I can’t see how it’s much different in child abuse cases. You know he’s a danger to them. You need to seek advice how to leave women’s aid can advise you. The GP can help you, the HV, even your bloody dentist. Please don’t wait for this to keep happening. He is a monster. Your children need you to protect them.

Shocking that SS did nothing.

plart · 01/03/2025 21:55

Ask the police to assist in removing this violent man from your home.

SnoopysHoose · 01/03/2025 21:59

Be kind? you stayed with a man who choked your 3 yr old?
Jesus fuckin wept!

2025willbemytime · 01/03/2025 22:10

My mother chose men over me. Ruined my life. Brought up in care. I'll never speak to or see her again and haven't spoken to her in decades. Yoire saying a lot of words. Making excuses. Blaming everyone else. Just pray he doesn't kill any of you tonight so you can go to the police tomorrow. And pray your daughter doesn't walk away from you the second she can. I pray she has the ability to walk away as she'll still be here.

Tomorrow is your last chance.

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 01/03/2025 22:11

I hope you go to the police and get the help you obviously need. I feel you are frightened of him and what he might do . Did you put his name on children’s birth certificates? Apparently if a father is married to a child’s mother and isn’t named on the birth certificate he has no parental rights ( UK)

BlondiePortz · 01/03/2025 22:17

If it happened after the first one why have 2 more? You know what you need to do but you wont

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 01/03/2025 22:18

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 01/03/2025 22:11

I hope you go to the police and get the help you obviously need. I feel you are frightened of him and what he might do . Did you put his name on children’s birth certificates? Apparently if a father is married to a child’s mother and isn’t named on the birth certificate he has no parental rights ( UK)

Sorry father isn’t married to mother

ThighsYouCantControl · 01/03/2025 22:20

If you have any messages from him mentioning any of his abusive behaviour screenshot them all. Everything. As far back as possible. Any photos of injuries even slight ones caused by him if you have them. It’s hard to say whether he’d bother trying to get contact with the children through family court but evidence to demonstrate why he shouldn’t have unsupervised access can be helpful. Do not let him see the children unless he has a court order stating he must have contact. You need to demonstrate to the courts but even more importantly to your children that you will keep them safe from him from now on.

I would also recommend you get a Prohibited steps order in place that limits him from making decisions about the children’s care including being able to remove them school/childcare settings. If he is named on their birth certificates he has equal paternal responsibility so can theoretically (and legally) do what he pleases contact wise.

CatStoleMyChocolate · 01/03/2025 22:26

What would happen if you asked him to leave? Do you think he would refuse to go? Do you think he would hurt you or the children? Does he have family who might take him in?

Definitely go to the police. It’s great that the strangling incident was documented officially. I would focus on getting him out and getting the locks changed. Get some security cameras and a Ring doorbell or similar so you get evidence if he tries to come back or break in. I am no expert but I don’t think he should have unsupervised contact - but you may find he doesn’t push for access at all once he’s out. If he does - you can decide what to do.

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 01/03/2025 23:45

CatStoleMyChocolate · 01/03/2025 22:26

What would happen if you asked him to leave? Do you think he would refuse to go? Do you think he would hurt you or the children? Does he have family who might take him in?

Definitely go to the police. It’s great that the strangling incident was documented officially. I would focus on getting him out and getting the locks changed. Get some security cameras and a Ring doorbell or similar so you get evidence if he tries to come back or break in. I am no expert but I don’t think he should have unsupervised contact - but you may find he doesn’t push for access at all once he’s out. If he does - you can decide what to do.

Sounds like this person knows what they are talking about. I was thinking you could talk to the school/ child care and see if they can take him off the list of people allowed to pick the children up

HeyDoodie · 01/03/2025 23:47

If he refuses to leave, ring the police and ask them to remove him. Explain it’s your house (not his) and he has been physically abusive and refusing to leave. Change their mind while locks immediately.

ThighsYouCantControl · 02/03/2025 06:55

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 01/03/2025 23:45

Sounds like this person knows what they are talking about. I was thinking you could talk to the school/ child care and see if they can take him off the list of people allowed to pick the children up

Show quote history

If he’s got parental responsibility the school/childcare setting have no choice but to hand the children over to him. It’s his legal right. Unless the school have the permission of a court order to not do that (prohibited steps order). When I left my abusive ex my children couldn’t go back to school until that was in place. Only took a couple of days.

Original poster

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 07:05

So SS interviewed the children, him, me amd spoke to teachers. They saw a normal couple in a nice home and happy children. They closed the case, with me not understanding why nothing was happened
They told my partner, that he needed marry me, that honestly was their advice to him, which I found weird as that's the last thing I want. I felt that he interviewed well with them and they didn't see him a threat. They put him on anti anxiety meds and there was an immediate change. They said he was suffering with anxiety /depression and these tabs would help
Friends, family etc saw this change, he was being generous with money, had a positive outlook, seemed happy, calm. He had counseling, CBT. The children are close to him he's loving to them, 95% of time he's great with them, and they jump all over him when home from work etc takes them soft plays, swimming, has taught them all to ride bikes, goes to garden centre with them and buys them all plants, plants in garden with them and does baking with them etc so it's been so confusing. The hands round neck thing he's never openly confessed doing and his version is different. I totally beleive a child,obviously. But yes I feel like the trust is forever broken and I will act, it's just doing it safely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 07:08

And no he wouldn't just leave if I said leave no way. He would need to be physically removed, but then I reckon would come back. Would need a mediator

OP posts:

Bigfellabamboo · 02/03/2025 07:09

Do something and do it today. Your post finishes saying be kind. No, sorry, clearly people need to be blunt with you. This man put his hands around your child's throat and you still have him in your life, your house, with your children? You're failing those children and there is a high likelihood he will hurt someone again. You can't control his behaviour but you can damn well get him away from you.

Reugny · 02/03/2025 07:11

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 01/03/2025 22:11

I hope you go to the police and get the help you obviously need. I feel you are frightened of him and what he might do . Did you put his name on children’s birth certificates? Apparently if a father is married to a child’s mother and isn’t named on the birth certificate he has no parental rights ( UK)

Unfortunately he can easily get them even after the fact.

However the OP needs to kick him out.

I doubt he will be motivated to have his children overnight on his own if he tries to kill and seriously injured them for acting like kids 24 hours a day. That's if he can afford somewhere to live on his own in the first place.

(Edit)Oh and if he moves in with other adults all one of the children needs to do is describe how he tried to hurt them in that property before the other adults don't want the children in the property.

SallyWD · 02/03/2025 07:17

He may be fine 90% of the time, but it only takes one incident to kill a child. The fact that he has strangled your daughter, pushed your son off the bed, squeezed your son's head, etc, shows what he's capable of when he loses his temper. You know what you have to do. You seem to be focusing on him apologising like that would make everything OK. It wouldn't. He would still be an abuser.

ThighsYouCantControl · 02/03/2025 08:10

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 07:05

So SS interviewed the children, him, me amd spoke to teachers. They saw a normal couple in a nice home and happy children. They closed the case, with me not understanding why nothing was happened
They told my partner, that he needed marry me, that honestly was their advice to him, which I found weird as that's the last thing I want. I felt that he interviewed well with them and they didn't see him a threat. They put him on anti anxiety meds and there was an immediate change. They said he was suffering with anxiety /depression and these tabs would help
Friends, family etc saw this change, he was being generous with money, had a positive outlook, seemed happy, calm. He had counseling, CBT. The children are close to him he's loving to them, 95% of time he's great with them, and they jump all over him when home from work etc takes them soft plays, swimming, has taught them all to ride bikes, goes to garden centre with them and buys them all plants, plants in garden with them and does baking with them etc so it's been so confusing. The hands round neck thing he's never openly confessed doing and his version is different. I totally beleive a child,obviously. But yes I feel like the trust is forever broken and I will act, it's just doing it safely.

Some SW really are shite aren’t they? I do think given their caseloads they see middle class families referred to them and figure it’ll all be fine and want to offload them asap. An easy win if you like.

But to advise a man who’s been accused of physically abusing his children to marry you, thereby making it even harder to separate yourself from him is frankly mental. I’d be interested to know the thinking behind that. Unless… did he say that they said that or did they say that in front of you? And I’m relieved for you and your children that didn’t happen.

Btw don’t attempt mediation with this man. It’s not recommended for abusers as far as I’m aware and with his mindset a total waste of time anyway.

Original poster

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 08:44

Yes, London Borough of Croydon we are just on the border, they must see awful cases. Yeah they made a judgment on the type of class family we are, I've no idea why the social worker advised this, he seemed to get on with my partner well, they seemed chummy and not professional to me. He told me on phone i don't think you have any worries, he just needs medication. Then obviously he changed so much and we went on a family holiday, and all was nice. But he's obviously got deep routed issues, and you can't stay with someone if theres any risk can u. Like i can almost 100% say something will happen again at some point, even if it's years from now, just can't run the risk. X

OP posts:

onetwothreefourfive11 · 02/03/2025 08:59

You need to call the police and have him removed, why haven't you done that yet?

I'm sorry how can we be kind when your children are at risk?

Kids can end up with serious trauma, mental health problems, self harm and suicide when they go through this.

I work in mental health and have seen this many times.

Bigfellabamboo · 02/03/2025 09:02

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 08:44

Yes, London Borough of Croydon we are just on the border, they must see awful cases. Yeah they made a judgment on the type of class family we are, I've no idea why the social worker advised this, he seemed to get on with my partner well, they seemed chummy and not professional to me. He told me on phone i don't think you have any worries, he just needs medication. Then obviously he changed so much and we went on a family holiday, and all was nice. But he's obviously got deep routed issues, and you can't stay with someone if theres any risk can u. Like i can almost 100% say something will happen again at some point, even if it's years from now, just can't run the risk. X

Why are you trying to justify why you're still with him instead of getting on the phone to the police?!

Glorybox2025 · 02/03/2025 10:02

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 08:44

Yes, London Borough of Croydon we are just on the border, they must see awful cases. Yeah they made a judgment on the type of class family we are, I've no idea why the social worker advised this, he seemed to get on with my partner well, they seemed chummy and not professional to me. He told me on phone i don't think you have any worries, he just needs medication. Then obviously he changed so much and we went on a family holiday, and all was nice. But he's obviously got deep routed issues, and you can't stay with someone if theres any risk can u. Like i can almost 100% say something will happen again at some point, even if it's years from now, just can't run the risk. X

I'm not going to disagree with your assessment of the social worker - some are definitely crap. However I still don't understand what you wanted them to do. Did you want them to tell him he had to leave? Did you want their help to end the relationship? Because if that was the case you needed to be explicit about that. But they were never going to tell him to move out on the basis of the information you've shared and with you saying (presumably) you wanted to stay with him! You're disappointed that nothing 'happened' after social services got involved but nobody can end the relationship apart from you!

Hoppinggreen · 02/03/2025 10:09

I can see why you hoped that SS would force you to act but as they didn't you should have anyway.
Its time to stop complaining about what SS did or didn't do now and act yourself.
You aren't married and its your house so you are in a stronger position than many women in your situation. The Police WILL help evict him if he won't go, you need to tell them there has been previous SS involvement and that you are scared of him. Change the locks and if he comes to the house call The Police every single time.

NC28 · 02/03/2025 10:09

OP, I think you have a cheek asking for kindness here while you’re failing your children every minute of the day that you expose them to the risks this animal carries.

They'll grow up (if they make it that far without being killed by their father) and remember it all, they’ll hate you for this.

Do something more, FFS. Strangling a toddler wasn’t enough? Fucking ludicrous. You’re running a very real risk that you’ll also be prosecuted one day for allowing this to happen.

I don’t care if people think I’m being harsh, direct the judgement towards someone who’s letting their kids be abused daily because 90% of the time he’s a good guy. 🙄