Partner heavy handed /disrespectful/abusive to kids

[Cyanne0]

Hello, I've 3 children ages 2,4 and 6 .Been with partner 8 years (not married)
So over an 8 year period, these are the incidents that have happened involving him and the children.

General shouting at them when they won't go to sleep, intimidating.
Squeezing my sons head when he wouldn't eat a sausage saying "eat it" he was 3 years old.
Pushing son off bed in a rage
Throwing a water bottle near son's head, shouting go to bed, in frustration.
3 year old daughter, cos she wouldn't stop crying, when i was out at bedtime, and was over tired, put her hands round neck and squeezed, apparently child couldn't breath. She told me a week later, was horrified, i told my GP, they escalated to social services which was pleased about. They did nothing to be honest.
Its been a year passed since that awful incident. He didn't show huge remorse, and i had to beg him to apologise to my poor daughter, he eventually did but it didn't come from the heart.
I was going to end it a year ago but he went on meds and appeared more positive and calmer and happier.
But yesterday morning at 7am his two children were giggling in the morning and they came into his bedroom and I could hear him saying shut up and go away to them.. (we sleep in separate rooms cos of his snoring). I rushed down as he sounded stressed. Then he went in their room (they are only 4 and 6)and shouted "are you fucking thick or something shut the fuck up" he was raging, absolutely fuming at 7am. That level of anger i find intimidating, disrespectful and just awful. He wouldn't apologise to them when I asked and just said "il say what i want to my kids" and I'm not being lectured by you.
I'm at breaking point with the disrespect of this person. On the flip side he is 90% loving and fine with them and they love him. But I can't stay with soemone who shows this level of disrespect and abuse to his children.
I'm scared to end it cos I'm scared he will react and refuse to leave but I can't keep giving him chance after chance and im not happy.
Please be kind & thoughts please :(

OP get him out of your life now. Your children need to be safe in their own home. You are failing them if you don't report him to the police and keep him away from them. Make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your new life.

I do sympathise and I know how confusing it must be if he's nice 90% of the time. However, the fact that you know he's strangled your daughter to the extent that she couldn't breathe - well I just don't understand why you're still with him.
How can you ever leave your children alone with him again? Yes, he usually nice but you know what he's capable of. I would be living in permanent fear that he did it again but next time, accidentally went too far.

Social worker told you that he needed to marry you? I find that very hard to believe.
And 'they' put him on anti anxiety meds, who is they, you make it sound like it was the social worker, that would not be possible.
I'm finding aspects of this very hard to believe

If he was all chummy with this dickhead then the SW would know that it makes the op more vulnerable so it does track.

No it doesn't 'track' as a social worker is fundamentally unlikely to do those things. They have no reason to say to get married and cannot prescribe medication

I'm sorry but there's a vast gulf between being an incompetent social worker and being a total sociopath. A social worker is extremely unlikely to actively aim to make a vulnerable woman and children more vulnerable. Incompetence == evil.

I assumed OP meant SW strongly recommended the violent bastard went to the GP to discuss that.

The marry comment is weird but SW are people and some people are really stupid/bad at their jobs. I know of one SW who would often tell a small child that he was “handsome just like his daddy” which was odd in itself but worse because dad was a serial woman beater.

I was taking the comment at face value..

And some SW are criminally bad and thick.

So what are you doing about it now? Nothing I guess. I'm utterly staggered that you care so little about your child's welfare to be honest.
This is exactly the kind of case you see on the news..child dead at the hands of step parent, mother failed to safeguard child and family know to the authorities who dialed to act, lessons to be learnt blah blah.
And if that stings then it damn well should.

I would like to add in ss told me my dc 'prob had a good catch' with a know sex offender - when I reported exh had one in his home playing Xbox with our dc....
Exh made the dc lie to Cafcass and say it never happened.. Guess who they believed? Another agency not worth their salt.... Police is the way forward imo.

He could have killed your daughter. Leave, there is no other viable choice here. You must save your kids from him.

God this is horrific.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/
These people will help you get an emergency restraining order against him. Make sure it has powers of arrest attached, so that the police can act if he breaks it.

Definitely go to the police for help evicting him too. And never have any contact with him again

If you knew what I, people I know in rl and some posters here have had to put up with or listen to including in a professional capacity with social workers saying and doing then you wouldn't call the OP a liar.

Oh and this is both children's and adult social workers.

In my case both were giving information about my child and and elderly relative to an abusive, lying and manipulative woman as she claimed to be a relative of both while racially abusing them. Luckily not everyone who works in social services departments, in this capacity for the courts, and in the police are as gullible as these social workers.

I'm not calling the OP a liar. I am saying I find it hard to believe, and that is the case. Social workers can't prescribe medication that is a fact, and they would have no reason to advise her to get married. You might have your own experiences, as so I from a professional side.

No the OP is telling us what she heard.

Some social workers are really that bad.

In fact some LAs are well-known for having terrible social workers, while others if there is a damaging complaint they move the social workers on.

But yes, social workers can and do get things wrong, I'm not denying that.

That is literally what I said though? I even gave an example of a really crap one I knew of. Hell, one SW sent me a copy of a report that got my kids names and sexes wrong throughout and referred to me as Mrs ex’s name despite me and him never being married.

@ThighsYouCantControl sorry quoted wrong poster.

This is horrific reading!

you have a choice to stay with him. Your kids do not. By not putting them first and leaving, you are complicit in his abuse.

He tried to strangle your daughter???! Why on earth didn't you kick him out then?! A three year old wouldn't know to make that up. Well, they shouldn't anyway.
Did you go to the police yesterday?

JFC. You stayed with him AFTER he put his hands around your child’s neck?! That is utterly shameful. Get out of this relationship TODAY.

It can be utterly bewildering to be actually living this situation as opposed to reading about it . To be with someone who generally seems lovely but ‘flips’ . Sadly some people have been so damaged by their backgrounds they are unsafe around children .
You’ve reached out for help from professionals who have further bewildered you & let you down with utterly inappropriate advice.
You deserve & require practical & emotional support to be safe through the process of getting this dangerous man out of your house as you’ve said he won’t go easily & going forward in managing his access to the children . Other posters have given links to resources & obviously you need the police involved from the start .
Here on MN I just wanted to say I understood what you’d written & would just like to offer empathy & love as you take the next steps .

Read that back, what you have wrote, as if someone else wrote it. You know what to do

Thank you, I appreciated. It is so different living this hell. I have contacted womens aid, have a doc appointment for lack of sleep and have been to the police. I want to do it safely, so scared. Thank you

I only read a few lines of your post. I cannot bear to read child abuse stories

My heart aches for your poor children

You are supposed to protect them from bad people

You have a choice here the children do not