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Original poster

Partner heavy handed /disrespectful/abusive to kids

133 replies

Cyanne0 · 01/03/2025 18:41

Hello, I've 3 children ages 2,4 and 6 .Been with partner 8 years (not married)
So over an 8 year period, these are the incidents that have happened involving him and the children.

General shouting at them when they won't go to sleep, intimidating.
Squeezing my sons head when he wouldn't eat a sausage saying "eat it" he was 3 years old.
Pushing son off bed in a rage
Throwing a water bottle near son's head, shouting go to bed, in frustration.
3 year old daughter, cos she wouldn't stop crying, when i was out at bedtime, and was over tired, put her hands round neck and squeezed, apparently child couldn't breath. She told me a week later, was horrified, i told my GP, they escalated to social services which was pleased about. They did nothing to be honest.
Its been a year passed since that awful incident. He didn't show huge remorse, and i had to beg him to apologise to my poor daughter, he eventually did but it didn't come from the heart.
I was going to end it a year ago but he went on meds and appeared more positive and calmer and happier.
But yesterday morning at 7am his two children were giggling in the morning and they came into his bedroom and I could hear him saying shut up and go away to them.. (we sleep in separate rooms cos of his snoring). I rushed down as he sounded stressed. Then he went in their room (they are only 4 and 6)and shouted "are you fucking thick or something shut the fuck up" he was raging, absolutely fuming at 7am. That level of anger i find intimidating, disrespectful and just awful. He wouldn't apologise to them when I asked and just said "il say what i want to my kids" and I'm not being lectured by you.
I'm at breaking point with the disrespect of this person. On the flip side he is 90% loving and fine with them and they love him. But I can't stay with soemone who shows this level of disrespect and abuse to his children.
I'm scared to end it cos I'm scared he will react and refuse to leave but I can't keep giving him chance after chance and im not happy.
Please be kind & thoughts please :(

OP posts:
WinterMorn · 02/03/2025 10:18

SnoopysHoose · 01/03/2025 21:59

Be kind? you stayed with a man who choked your 3 yr old?
Jesus fuckin wept!

Agreed. I am finding it impossible not to be judgmental here.

Original poster
Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 10:23

It's not daily, it's these incidents I've written over an 8 year period , with the last one a year ago being so awful i went to SS, Women's Aid, the doctors. If it was a daily occurrence obviously I wouldn't be here now. But yes i know i need to act. Everything has been logged, i write down things, and I've told the doctor things which has all, been logged in SS report.

OP posts:
ReadingRubbish · 02/03/2025 10:40

OP
It's not daily, it's these incidents I've written over an 8 year period

So the incidents started before you had kids with him? That's what is hard to understand.

SnoopysHoose · 02/03/2025 11:08

@Cyanne0
Why are you being so passive and drippy? listing he's taught them to ride a bike blah blah blah
He choked your 3 yr old child!!!
You own the house, get him out today, at this point you're as much to blame as him, you stand by and allow your kids to be attacked and abused.
I'll remember where you say you live and await the news story.

NC28 · 02/03/2025 11:33

Oh it’s not happening daily? Sorry I misunderstood. That’s fine then.

Get a grip OP. Though I imagine you’ll fail to do that until you’re choosing a funeral director because Daddy squeezed too hard one day.

Your family is the family we’ll read about in the news one day.

pinkyredrose · 02/03/2025 11:51

He needs to leave today, your children aren't safe with him.

2025willbemytime · 02/03/2025 11:57

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 10:23

It's not daily, it's these incidents I've written over an 8 year period , with the last one a year ago being so awful i went to SS, Women's Aid, the doctors. If it was a daily occurrence obviously I wouldn't be here now. But yes i know i need to act. Everything has been logged, i write down things, and I've told the doctor things which has all, been logged in SS report.

Once is once too many. Are you really that desperate for a man that you're happy to risk your children's lives? Have a fucking look at yourself.

If you post saying I want him to leave today you will have many posters helping you to make that happen. If you want people to "be kind" and say there there, it's okay as he hasn't tried to scare or kill your child today then NO.

Lolapusht · 02/03/2025 12:11

OP, you don’t need to do anything today or right now. That would be a bad idea. You do need to act, but you need to have a plan and support in place.

Your DP is violent and abusive. You have been trained to accept his behaviour so are probably a bit immune to what he’s actually like so may not be able to fully address things.

Don't talk to him about ending things. Don’t try “one last time”. You’ve made the decision to protect your children and that is the right thing to do. You are now in control of the situation so can dictate what happens and when. Think about any joint things that you’ll need for running the house, bank accounts, insurance, council tax etc. What does he have sole access to? Can you add your name to things or move money? Anything that he’ll see or get a notification about should be done on the day you tell him it’s over and he’s moving out. I’m assuming that if you own the house outright he’ll have enough funds available to find temporary accommodation so you don’t need to worry about where he lives?

Tell people what’s going on. Family, friends. You need people to help. When you tell him, have someone there with you. The police may be an option. Look into getting a non-molestation order.

When you said he’d been to boarding school and your inheritance bought your house I was going to ask if SS treated you like a nice. Middle class family and didn’t really take your complaint seriously. Looks like I was right. Strangling a toddler is grossly abusive and he’s lucky he didn’t kill her. Putting that down to him being depressed/having anxiety is appalling. It’s not just poor people on benefits who are abusive and violent.

You’re right that he’s not going to change and the 90% of the time that he’s nice is irrelevant. That’s not the bit that will have lasting effects on your DC, it’s the 10% when he’s shouting, aggressive, violent and abusive. That’s the bit that will screw them up for life. You’ve got time to give them a happy life and are doing what you need to fix things. You can’t rely on him, so start getting things in place to remove him. He’s no longer your problem to fix.

Lolapusht · 02/03/2025 12:13

To all the posters telling OP she’s awful, maybe back off a bit. Getting out of an abusive relationship is bloody difficult to do. Try offering practical things to do. We all know it’s a desperate situation but we’re not in it. Reading it in black & white is a lot different to living it for 8 years.

Bit of empathy people.

Holdonforsummer · 02/03/2025 12:16

Let me get this straight: your partner strangled your 3 year old daughter and you stayed? Read this post back to yourself and think how this sounds.

WinterMorn · 02/03/2025 12:20

Lolapusht · 02/03/2025 12:13

To all the posters telling OP she’s awful, maybe back off a bit. Getting out of an abusive relationship is bloody difficult to do. Try offering practical things to do. We all know it’s a desperate situation but we’re not in it. Reading it in black & white is a lot different to living it for 8 years.

Bit of empathy people.

There’s empathy and there’s dealing with imminent, possibly deadly risk. Let’s think about that for a second before one of those kids becomes a statistic.

pikkumyy77 · 02/03/2025 12:23

Read up on boarding school syndrome. This is a very damaged person. He will not acknowledge it or even understand his own responsibility for his actions. That is part of his chaotic, angry, inner life which he blames on everyone around him. We say “states become traits” his childhood state of terror and abandonment has led him to be a terrorizer in turn. Go to a good support group for women with coercively controlling and abusive men and figure out how to get him out of the house. DO NOT MARRY HIM.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 02/03/2025 12:33

Posters are offering practical things to do. OP is replying that her partner only abuses and assaults her kids from time to time, but is mainly lovely, which is obviously ridiculous.

Reugny · 02/03/2025 12:53

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 10:23

It's not daily, it's these incidents I've written over an 8 year period , with the last one a year ago being so awful i went to SS, Women's Aid, the doctors. If it was a daily occurrence obviously I wouldn't be here now. But yes i know i need to act. Everything has been logged, i write down things, and I've told the doctor things which has all, been logged in SS report.

Kick him out NOW!

Abusers don't abuse daily they do it when they fell like it.

Protect your children.

JennyTals · 02/03/2025 12:53

Why are men that have been violent allowed unsupervised contact then? Some people say for fear of the children having to spend time with the dads when the mum is not even there at all

I'm not saying op shouldn't leave
Clearly she should
Esp with the strangulation, that next level violence that is an indicator of possible murder

But I have friend in this situation and now her child has contact with the dad unsupervised and this is a problem all of you shouting at op to leave don't want to face
Face the facts

2025willbemytime · 02/03/2025 12:55

Lolapusht · 02/03/2025 12:13

To all the posters telling OP she’s awful, maybe back off a bit. Getting out of an abusive relationship is bloody difficult to do. Try offering practical things to do. We all know it’s a desperate situation but we’re not in it. Reading it in black & white is a lot different to living it for 8 years.

Bit of empathy people.

No. A tiny child could have died. We are all willing to help her leave. We are not willing to support her in letting innocent defenceless children suffer another minute when they don't have to. We know it's not easy to leave. But it is also very simple when it needs to be done.

user1492757084 · 02/03/2025 13:04

He's barbaric.
He should be the one moving hell and earth to sort his own anger and aggression out. He should be committing to finding help and staying away from childcare until he is trustworthy to garrantee the safety of his own children.
He is not pulling up his big boy pants so you, Op, have to be the one to contact agencies that can help and move your DH out of the home.

IggyAce · 02/03/2025 13:10

Stop with the excuses and expecting others to do something. You are their mother you are the one that is supposed to protect them, if my 3 year old told me that daddy put his hands found my neck and I couldn’t breathe, he would have been gone. I would have immediately called the police and had him arrested.

Meecrowahvey · 02/03/2025 13:14

He squeezed a 3 year old child's head? He have easily crushed the skull and murdered the child in that moment.

You then decided to stay with him and he choked/strangled another child?

So twice he could have murdered your children and yet you stay with him?

What the actual fuck?

unbelieveable22 · 02/03/2025 13:21

Lolapusht · 02/03/2025 12:13

To all the posters telling OP she’s awful, maybe back off a bit. Getting out of an abusive relationship is bloody difficult to do. Try offering practical things to do. We all know it’s a desperate situation but we’re not in it. Reading it in black & white is a lot different to living it for 8 years.

Bit of empathy people.

Some posters are being so judgemental. @Cyanne0 has reached out everywhere in the past for help and been failed by all. Such a difficult situation to be in when the system that should be helping her and her children leave them alone and unsupported.

She has said she will reach out again today for help. It is not easy to have to yet again trust the very people who left her and the children on their own previously. She knows how her partner responds to being challenged and how he manipulative he can be. She should be supported through this process not berated and judged. Walk a mile in her shoes.
Good luck @Cyanne0 . There are many here rooting for you and your children.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 02/03/2025 13:34

Surely you ring 999 when your dc is being strangled? Jfc no excuse you didn't.. None at all.

So now you know ss are shit. Ring the police and have him removed...
Today.
While your dc are still alive.

Partybaggage · 02/03/2025 14:41

Two instances where he could have killed your children. What the fuck are you still doing there?

Partybaggage · 02/03/2025 14:45

Cyanne0 · 02/03/2025 10:23

It's not daily, it's these incidents I've written over an 8 year period , with the last one a year ago being so awful i went to SS, Women's Aid, the doctors. If it was a daily occurrence obviously I wouldn't be here now. But yes i know i need to act. Everything has been logged, i write down things, and I've told the doctor things which has all, been logged in SS report.

Don't you understand that none of those agencies can do the thing that needs to be done, which is you kicking him out of the house?

Pinkissmart · 02/03/2025 14:49

In every one of your posts you’ve tried to lay blame with social services. Op, grow up and protect your children. And please get some counselling to try and determine why you don’t feel equipped to parent your children.

elm26 · 02/03/2025 15:36

I love my DH very very much and he is a wonderful husband and father but I can 100% say that if he EVER put his hands around our child's neck in a temper, I'd call the police and I wouldn't think twice.

We gave birth to these children, our most important job is to protect them (as well as feed them, love them etc).

Please get help to leave this absolute scum bag and keep him far away from your precious children, don't let them become a statistic.