We’re not the ‘fun’ house

[BadgerTart]

DS 8 is getting to the age he wants to spend more and more time with his friends. Which is great- we have a big house with lots of toys, I get in good snacks and loosen the rules when he’s got friends here. However, DS best friend doesn’t seem to like coming here and always wants DS at his. And DS always wants to be there. It’s what I would describe as a ‘fun’ house.

For example:
DS arrives at friend’s house, they take a big bag of crisps out the cupboard and disappear upstairs- at ours he has to ask for snacks (I relax on this when he has friends over), but no way would they go upstairs with crisps (new carpet).
They spend the majority of their time on devices (ipad, nintendo switch, playstation)- at mine they must play a while before the ipad comes out, and we have no other devices.
They have Disney plus, netflix, apple tv etc. We just have the bare minimum channels and no subscriptions.

DS is happy with our house and our rules when it’s just us. It works well for us and imo he needs the boundaries. He plays happily with his toys and I don’t feel like he is missing out at all.

I’ve always tried to create a safe home where other children feel welcome. But I feel I can’t compete with the house where anything goes and they have so much available.

His friend always seems so bored when he comes here, and DS seems embarrassed that we don’t have as much to offer as his friend.

Any advice on trying to keep the boys happy here? I would love to have his best friend over more, he’s a great kid and I must admit it stings a bit that they always want to be at his house.

My older one is 7 and playdates at our house seem to be reasonably popular and no, we don't allow screens. Screens are what my DC have when they don't have a friend around to keep them busy. I envisage that changing between now and secondary school, and no I don't want my DC left out so I'd definitely allow some devices, but tbh I had thought 8 was a bit young for this! When we have playdates, the kids turf out all the toys and build stuff with the big box of Lego and make stuff and play games, and I offer snacks which include the 'good stuff' like cake, cookies and ice cream as well as fruit and toast, but I'm afraid there are no huge bags of sweets, multi packs of crisps or cans of fizzy drink being handed out in this house.

This thread is making me think that maybe I need to up my game?

Exactly. One is not necessarily better or worse than the other. The bigger picture is what matters, which is, is it a safe and loving home for a child to be brought up in.

We had a friend over for a play date recently and the first thing they wanted was the iPad. I refused and they were stumped! Then the 2 kids worked our other creative play with toys, did some art, sang songs...it was what they should be doing. They did get TV with pizza so it wasn't all strict.

My mum also wouldn’t let us have friends over. She did have a form of OCD. It was embarrassing and unfathomable to me as she never explained why she was so weird about it and she wasn’t overly obsessive about housework. She came home early once and ‘caught’ me having a couple of friends over (I was about 10), she threw them out 🤦‍♀️.

When I had my own kids I swore it was going to be very different. So we were an ‘open’ house (rather than consciously labelling it a ‘fun’ house). Friends were welcome anytime and it gave me great joy to see them running around (the garden) and having fun in my kids rooms (which had consoles, a ton of lego etc). There were no rules regarding screens or food but obviously bad behaviour wasn’t allowed.

of course it's not

but the smug and judgemental posts about parents letting the guests on screen are hilarious.

Everybody can be a perfect parent on the internet

Not sure how you came to this conclusion?

They run their house differently to us. I never said my way is better.

I actually think the fun house and the parents are getting an unfair bashing on this thread, and it wasn’t my intention.

This thread is absolutely hilarious. Never change, Mumsnet.

In the interests of transparency my DD (9) currently has a friend to stay for a few days. During this time they have watched a lot of TV, played Minecraft and eaten many sweets (even in the bedroom 😱). They have also played with dolls, played a lot of card games/board games, been swimming and been to the park. I am unconcerned that the TV, sweets and Minecraft are going to turn either of them into unemployed chavs.

110%, It has given me a laugh as well. Thank god I have a mini handheld vacuum for the upstairs crevices, if so much as a biscuit is eaten upstairs, than jesus that'll be automatic thinking time for dc, whether 8 or 21, zero respect for house rules. 🤣

Dh's house was very strict, we spent all of our time at mine, were we the "fun house?" 🤔 Although god did I want to go on that show as a child!
Funnily enough my family were the ones we were the closest to, could relax and be ourselves. Dh lived in such an uptight household where you could hear a pin drop, constant atmosphere, and they thought they were really exciting, couldn't understand why we didn't want to be there! It was a place where dh was scrutinised for opening a carton of juice in his room (it was a bungalow ffs).

Honestly no wonder dh estranged them, and he has had years of therapy since.
Dh's example is the other side of the coin I realise. A lot on this thread need to know that it doesn't have to be one or the other; a screen turned off, one console maximum, crisp banning, no chocolate pouches, organic from scratch, green smoothie making household, or it's a "fun house." 😂

Never crossed my mind, 🤯 such an enlightenment there. Should I pass that message on to ds's friend who is a girl, and has more screen time than he does? She should be doing girlie things like crafts and making jewellery, obviously mucking around with go karts is boy only 🤔🤣 . This thread just keeps on giving.

Yes, "fun house" absolutely can be lovely people, who are just doing what they think is best. But they are doing their child no favours not having reasonable boundaries in place, kids need boundaries to learn and develop.

I've seen if happen with a couple of ds's friends, the "fun house" kids mostly come alright in the end because they do have loving parents, but they have a hard time working it out for themselves, especially at preteen/teen age where other kids become less forgiving and more selective who they spend time with, which can then cause problems in school too. It is at this point the parents wonder why they are having problems.

You don't know that they don't have rules though, they may just be different ones to yours/rules you're not aware of when friends are not there.

what weird comment

how do you know they don't have rules and boundaries?

It's likely they have manners, and don't impose these rules on the guests. They might find it's your kids who lack boundaries 😂

I knew the parents well enough to know.

I know, it would be interesting to hear the perceived "fun house's" perspective! 🤣

Its literally what your posts about.

We had a few difficult years during primary with our boys who had difficulty making friends at that age also at a small school. We actually went out of our way to be the fun house. We had plenty of snacks and few rules. Took their “friends” to the cinema , swimming etc, but most boys thought our house was still boring as all they wanted and was used to do at that age was play violent games (think 18 certificate). We had games and no restrictions on how long they could play, but all age appropriate and that just wasn’t good enough.

How old were the kids? There is no dcs I have heard of in ds's year 3, that play rated 18 video games. I think he mentioned one boy who watches some things he isn't supposed to. It isn't common for 8 year olds ime at all.

Definitely common I’d say from age 7 and up where we live. I remember being really shocked and hated my boys going to peoples houses where they had access to these games.

Jeez, that's crazy. Our area is nice/decent enough, I wouldn't consider it "posh", there are a mix of kids at the school from various backgrounds, like in most places. Most of the kids play age appropriate video games, but any that are exposed to violence at such a young age (whether it be video games/tv/violence at home), are a minority at dc's school. One boy who was repeating violent things to a nother boy, rang alarm bells with the teachers at the school. All of the dcs (who most have games consoles) said he was saying bad things, the teacher rang his parents. I wonder if they had older siblings? I have never experienced this in a majority at all.

I think we might have been perceived as the fun house when our kids were smaller. We let them watch screens, play computer games and eat crisps, sweets etc. We also didn't mind if they wrecked the place a bit (within reason, not damaging stuff) building dens or obstacle courses or whatever. But that doesn't mean we didn't have rules in place the rest of the time. To be honest, when my eldest was about 10, he started to prefer going to his friend's house because they played board games as a family and were 'great craic' apparently. We played board games too, but my absolute hatred of them was probably shining through the whole time and putting everyone off (except Dobble, Exploding Kittens and Trivial Pursuit which I loved🤣)

Good to hear as I assumed it was normal.

It is interesting that you say that, having a little freedom has obviously benefited your children, and I agree with this technique too.

I often think it is the children who have had rigid rules with too many boundaries, that end up rebelling as they get older once they gain that freedom. They no longer have somebody overly controlling their choices/environment. I found when I was at uni that it was those children that felt a bit lost when they left home, they now had the power to do what ever they wanted. They were the ones that partied like crazy, and went off the rails more, past "the norm." One girl I knew from a very affluent area, lied to her parents about taking a student loan out, how much she was studying etc. They would ring her up and remind her to study, read, and basically were treating her like a child, and not a young adult. They had treated her a few years younger throughout her life. The parents would question her because they didn't trust her, despite her being the model child at home growing up. They were still attempting to exert the control she grew up with, from afar. Too much control led to out of control as an adult.
Obviously my "fun house" must not have had too much of a negative impact. I love to read, and made good choices (mostly🤣), learnt by mistakes and studied hard. My parents didn't have to tell me to do these things, because I thought for myself, and they trusted me to make choices, learn from mistakes. They had given me those life skills.

I think some rules are absolutely appropriate yes, but there is a balance, and children need to know you trust them enough to make some simple age appropriate choices themselves. For example I trust my dcs to eat snacks in the living room, because I know they are careful not to make a mess. I trust them to read a book in bed with a little torch if they wake up in the night, because I know they'll go back to sleep, if they don't, they would be tired the next day, mistakes help us learn. I trust my dcs with snacks, I could give 8 year old dc1 a huge bar of chocolate for example, he'll eat a few squares then give me it back as he has had enough. I trust them to self regulate at this age, where they have a bit more understanding (obviously not a toddler). Dc is aware of healthy eating, but also that is fine to have a treat too. When everything is forbidden, overly restricted it doesn't always end well.

They watch TV, play video games, play with toys, play outside and inside, are allowed snacks/treats, and to eat in places other than the kitchen (shock horror). They are relaxed in their own home, and get to make some choices, and think a little for themselves where possible.

I do sort if agree with your post but I'm not sure anyone's childhood/adulthood was ruined by not being allowed snacks upstairs.

Depends what you mean by fun house. They’re not all boundary-less, anarchic free for alls. It can just mean a relaxed atmosphere that’s not micromanaged and gosh, maybe even some crisp eating in their room.

The ‘just doing what they think is best’ sounds a little patronising.

It is relating to micromanaging every aspect of children's lifes. There are posters who have a very stringent attitude to what a "fun house" means. I think @BunnyLake sums it up really well.