MIL stressing about Mother’s Day

[BeTaupeBear]

MIL is already trying to book us in for a day out on Mother’s Day itself - I know weeks away!
My DC is napping in the afternoon and a long nap still or nights are very difficult so I don’t want to go on a day out.
Ive also got to fit my mum in and obviously do something nice for myself!

How do people fit everyone in and what’s reasonable to let MIL know we will do with her?
I know it’s weeks away and ridiculous to talk about but I’m already being pressured

Invite them both to yours and your DH can cook or get a takeaway and your DD can nap in her own bed when she needs to.

Maybe you could do breakfast with one and a tea time treat with the other if your schedule doesn’t fit around lunch or dinner? Or maybe have breakfast with both mum’s and have the rest of the day to yourself to celebrate how you want.

Any reason they can't all come to yours? Surely that's the most logical solution?

If she wants to book lunch out some where then she will need to book it now. Maybe meeting for brunch would be best?

I still remember the wobble MIL throw on my first mother day. BIL (her other son) SIL, DH, baby and I ended up continuing our plans to meet up with her on mother day without her.

It's not ridiculous when things get booked up quickly for such events. I'm going to gently suggest that's just you being a bit mean about your mil because you're probably tired from the difficult nights you described in your OP.

Is it so wrong and unreasonable that she wants to spend time with you all?

Anyway, maybe you just calmly tell her that you don't want to do what she's suggesting and find another solution.
Have a morning with your mum and an afternoon with mil or something, but keep it low key and casual. A nice walk together or coffee and cake.

I’d find a whole day with her quite stressful to be honest
Last Mother’s Day when my little one was a newborn she cried to BIL we hadn’t made any big plans with her/ made a fuss of her but we were honestly in survival mode
We did invite her round for a cup of tea and cake for an hour or so but this obviously wasn’t enough

Do a nice afternoon tea for both mums, that's easy. Finger sandwiches, mini quiche, pretty cakes. Bunch of flowers and box of chocs each. Lovely.

Then your husband can make you your favourite dinner with a bottle of wine.

DH gives you breakfast in bed (or a long lie) and gets up with dd. DH then takes his mum a nice afternoon tea style lunch (you can buy these from local bakery) and goes mid morning with DD- giving you time to have some peace and a lunch with your own mum. DH brings dd back home in time for her nap, you come home and put your feet up. Voila!

Last Mother’s Day when my little one was a newborn she cried to BIL we hadn’t made any big plans with her/ made a fuss of her but we were honestly in survival mode

Ask your husband to talk to her. You've moved on a generation now so mother's day focus has shifted to his child(ren) and their mother.

I think your best plan is to decide what you want to do and invite your MIL and mum around that. Brunch with them both is a good plan.

Option 1: do something with your mum pre-nap and MIL post-nap (or vice versa)

Option 2: invite them both to the same thing - meal/tea whatever and kill two birds with one stone

Option 3: Do turn about. Spend time with MIL this year and make clear it'll be your mum's turn next year.

Whatever you do it doesn't need to be a whole day out though! Just say what time slot works around your wee one and ask MIL what she would like to do within that timeframe.

Can you just say you haven’t firmed your own plans for the day up yet so if she wants to book something, go ahead but count you and your lot out.

The fact is that it is usually impossible for all the mothers in a family tree to have all their children and their spouse with them on Mother’s Day. Some years we had lunch with my mum, some years she just got a card and flowers, same for my ex MIL. Sometimes it was just me DH and the children. There was 300 miles between my mum and DH’s mum and we were an hour away from the closest and our own grandparents were dead or you would have added in another layer living even greater distances away. All those mothers couldn’t see their children on Mother’s Day at once.

I’m not saying this is your MIL but I think some people use early planning as a way to bulldoze their way on something, most often Christmas. They are getting in before everyone else. With those people it’s best not to get caught up and just call their bluff and politely say “Ah! Sorry! If you need to know by tomorrow we’d better count ourselves out. I won’t be able to check everyone else’s plans in that timescale. We’ll fit around your plans and definitely see you sometime around Christmas”

I rarely see my daughters on Mothers Day because of distance. I get a lovely card and flowers. My eldest probably sees her MIL more because of proximity, I don’t know, but if so then that’s nice for my DSIL and his mum.

You are now a mother and expect that to be recognised. She is the mother of your husband. She wants that to be recognised. I dare she knows that you don't like her and that , if she doesn't get in early, she will be squeezed out. Don't be that DIL

In the past we’ve invited both mums for breakfast somewhere nice. That way it’s a nice morning activity, everyone feels treated, they get to see the kids and us, it’s not as expensive as a lunch/dinner out and then we get the rest of the day to ourselves to do our own Mother’s Day plans whatever they may be. Would this work?

This is a lovely plan

I'm sure your MIL will understand that you want to see your Mum too.

Could DH take DC to see MIL for the morning/early lunch? You can have the morning off to relax. Then home for DC's nap - your Mum can come over for coffee/cake in the afternoon and can see your DC when they wake up?

It’s Mothers Day, not Grandmothers Day, do what the hell you like.

In our family I take my mum out somewhere the week before for a nice meal. On the day itself my DIL meets her mum (and dad) for lunch somewhere nice. Her mum wants that to be child free so my son has the children and comes to my house. We have cake and they get out all the toys and have a ball. My mum comes over too so she sees her child, grandchild and great grandchildren . My MIL died before I met her son.He would have gone to visit her if she had been alive.

The grandmother you are dismissing is only a grandmother because she is also a mother. She doesn't stop bring the mother of her son just because she has a DIL ( who doesn't like her)

It's solely your husband's problem to figure out what to do with his whinging mother.

She is not your mother

The grandmother you are dismissing is only a grandmother because she is also a mother. She doesn't stop bring the mother of her son just because she has a DIL ( who doesn't like her)

Grandmother is being 'dismissed' because she is not making space for the next generation. Grandmother has adult children. Last year Grandmother made mother's day all about her despite having a new mother in the family. Grandmother is obviously still a mother but she is not the only one.

So having her round for tea cake and flowers isn’t enough when you’ve been up all night trying to breastfeed?

Do nothing with either mother. Send card and flowers. Spend day at home with your immediate family doing what you want to do.

if that really won’t work, send DH to MIL, see your own mother and have fabulous Sunday after Mothering Sunday with immediate family when flowers are cheaper and restaurants easier to book.

I think these ideas only work if you're both only children. If all the siblings and children came over, what about my BILs mother? Where does it end lol. I'd have to rent out the village hall

I don't see my MIL on mother's day my DH does as its his mum. I see mine without DH. We just visit for a bit then have the rest of the day together. We have done this every year.

Goodness.
I don't think my dc have taken me anywhere on Mother's day since they got married.
I get a card and a phone call.
That should be enough, surely, for mothers with adult dc.

Mothers day, imo, is for small dc to make a fuss of their mums.
We're hardly being much of a practical mum once our kids are adults.