MIL stressing about Mother’s Day

[BeTaupeBear]

MIL is already trying to book us in for a day out on Mother’s Day itself - I know weeks away!
My DC is napping in the afternoon and a long nap still or nights are very difficult so I don’t want to go on a day out.
Ive also got to fit my mum in and obviously do something nice for myself!

How do people fit everyone in and what’s reasonable to let MIL know we will do with her?
I know it’s weeks away and ridiculous to talk about but I’m already being pressured

I wouldn't go to an all day thing for mil. I'd drop off cards and flowers to both mums and chat for an hour, then go and do what I wanted to do.

Hell would have frozen over before I'd jeopardized naptime!

Is your MIL expecting your mum to come along to whatever she's proposing for Mother's Day? What does your mum think about that?

We have never celebrated Mother's Day for the same reason we've never celebrated Valentine's Day: just made up nonsense. It was sweet getting little handmade cards from the DC when they were 3/4/5/6yo, but I'd have cringed myself inside out for a grown adult to have wished me a happy Mother's Day. I'd tell DH to do for his mum whatever she needs for her to not make his life a misery and leave it at that.

I see that DIL’s mother is happy with the arrangement but are you really sure DIL is? I couldn’t imagine being a mum to children at home and not having them with me on Mother’s Day. If I’m doing all of the night waking, bum wiping, tantrum soothing, sick cleaning up, argument diffusing, etc etc etc I’d be dammed if my children are dressed up and visiting elsewhere with bunches of flowers on Mother’s Day as part of another ‘clan’.

At that stage my husband went to spend the day with his own mother, and my mother came to our house. I booked an afternoon tea to have at home and we just relaxed at home with baby.

I don't get the stress around Mother's Day. He sees his mum, you see yours, you decide between you which one is dealing with baby. Or split the day into two halves if you really must see each other's mothers. I've never really understood that myself though.

Of course it is. You did more than enough. She’s not your mother. You had a newborn. If she’s too selfish to recognise that then she’s a dickhead.

You don’t have to do anything for her, it’s your day too. You do what you want. Your husband can sort his own mother out.

Kindly, as I know your thoughts come from a good place but I don't see why MIL's demands trump everyone else's feelings. OP is a mum too but MIL is hellbent on riding roughshod over that detail, as well as ignoring OP's desire to see her own mum.

OP's DH should be prioritising his own little family and MIL needs to wind her neck in. He could pop in with flowers and she should be grateful. Mothering Sunday has turned into another Hallmark day and another opportunity for overbearing grandmothers to cause trouble.

I would plan --

Dh get up with dd/ layin for you.
Gifts
Dh takes dd out with his mum for early lunch
You see your mum
Dh gets home in time for dd nap
Chill afternoon
Dh cooks tea

Why would you not want to be with your child and partner on mother's day? Don't you ever visit each of your mother's together?

When my brothers became parents my mum decreed that they’d be too busy spoiling+++ their wives on Mother’s Day now, and suggested Sunday lunch the week before.

Ace move mum!!

1. Brothers appreciate the easy way out of a difficult situation pleasing everyone.
2. SIL appreciate no bad feelings with anyone.
3. One SIL really appreciated that brothers have been instructed to spoil excessively
4. Mum scored - she gets the credit for sorting the issue. Gets a fancy lunch the week before. Gets all her family there rather than some of her children. Gets the golden halo for not causing an issue as well!
5. can be used with the other side of each family - as an excuse to spend it at home with their wives/kids.

I guess it must vary by location?! Or demographic?

Like I said, I’m orphaned, so I’ve never had any expectations about it. It’s a bit too much of a commercial holiday for me anyway, but DH likes to organise a trip I’ll like and him and DS tend to get me some flowers and a card, and sometimes we go and eat out somewhere nice.

I don’t really know of anyone who makes a fuss of the mums of adult children. They’re not really in the thick of motherhood anymore, although I can understand the renewed appreciation. I will say my friends do tend to see their mums a lot anyway - they all tend to get at least a day or so of childcare from them, so see them all weekly.

I don't see my mil on Mother's Day - I have my kids and we go and see my mum. I'm more than happy for my husband to go and spend time with his mum instead. I don't need him to celebrate me, I'm not his mum - we'll have woken up together and he'd have sorted cards/flowers for the kids to give. 😊

As long DH send her a card then it's job done.

Mother's Day has only ever been a card and maybe a little bunch of daffodils as far as I'm concerned. None of this faffing with special lunches and afternoon teas.

No need to try and balance anyone's competing needs because none out of me, MIL or DM have any. I highly recommend it.

So D's is only 5 but this is how it's worked for us the last few years...

I have my "mother's day" on the Saturday, we do whatever I choose which is usually a chilled morning opening my card, a little trip out somewhere then a takeaway and a film with my chocolates in the evening. Lovely!

Then on Mothering Sunday we see mil in the morning at her flat, give her card and flowers/gift and catch up. She then goes for a meal out or whatever with dh's half siblings in the afternoon and we pop to my mum's for a bit of cake, give her a card and gift, catch up etc and usually meet my brother and sil there too - sil sees her mum in the morning and they don't have kids yet.

My mum doesn't like big meals out so is more than happy with this. My ds is autistic and wouldn't cope with a big family meal out, so this our compromise with mil. She's also happy with it, as she still sees everyone without anyone being stressed.

I AM with my children on Mothers Day but my H is with HIS Mother not me. I leave it up to him to arrange and/or decide what to do.
Everyone is (was) with their own Mum on Mothers Day, I don't see what so difficult to understand about that
We don't visit my Mum together now because she died last year but when she was alive sometimes we both went or sometimes I went on my own, same with his Mum.
We spend a lot of time together and enjoy each others company but we aren't joined at the hip

I used to invite both DMs here every year on Mother’s Day and DH would offer to cook, but in reality I’d also still be running around after everyone (with no one acknowledging it was my mothers day too or lifting a finger to even make a cup of tea), so I just stopped.

Last year we visited each one for an hour on the Saturday with presents/cakes and spent the actual day just chilling the 4 of us. Will be doing that again this year.

Sorry to be clear, she was invited and was coming, then she throw a wobble and decided not to come for a reason we never got to the bottom of so we said we’re still going and you’re welcome to join us. She choose not to come.

I'm not surprised that OP doesn't particularly like her. Last year, when OP was newly post-partum and struggling with breastfeeding, she invited her MIL round for tea and cake and MIL cried to her other son that this wasn't enough.

Once children are adults and have children of their own, Mother's Day should be primarily for mums who are actively mothering. I have three adult children and two grandchildren and I am happy with a card.

In our family I meet up with my adult children on Mother's Day, their partners go to THEIR parents (why would they come to me, I'm not their mother). When they go on to have children I won't mind not seeing them on Mother's Day, because it's their partner's turn to be Mother. I don't have to be doted on in person - they can just send flowers!

No she didn't. Last year OP had just had a baby but MIL was still invited round for tea and cake and was given flowers. She actually moaned to her other son that this wasn't enough. She sounds like a self-involved nightmare.