MIL stressing about Mother’s Day

[BeTaupeBear]

MIL is already trying to book us in for a day out on Mother’s Day itself - I know weeks away!
My DC is napping in the afternoon and a long nap still or nights are very difficult so I don’t want to go on a day out.
Ive also got to fit my mum in and obviously do something nice for myself!

How do people fit everyone in and what’s reasonable to let MIL know we will do with her?
I know it’s weeks away and ridiculous to talk about but I’m already being pressured

Honestly any mum that tries to organise her own mothers day is a cringe fest. So glad my mum wasnt like this, she found the whole thing cringy she’d never dream of behaving like this

I usually try to organise something with my three adult DC, their partners and the DGC either the weekend before or after Mothers Day. That way we get to have a family catch up and they can all decide what works for them best on the actual day.

You've already fallen into the trap of being the arranger/administrator/fall guy for in-law celebrations. Bat it back to DH to make his mother happy.

Do something nice with your little one. Send a card and do a facetime with the grand parents. Don't get drawn into Mother's Day battles!

Maybe you should be telling the MIL not to be that MIL? Wanting to be the centre of attention at such a time practically SCREAMS that she is indeed 'that' MIL.

I don’t think it’s ridiculous that she’s trying to get booked in now, as things get booked up so fast.

However, it is a bit extreme that she wants to spend the whole day with you. Could you not respond and say “it sounds lovely but I need to see my own mum too, can we do brunch and I’ll do dinner with my mum? Or the other way round if you prefer?” And that way she feels you’re giving her some choice.

Or can your husband not say something? It is his mum after all!

This is your husband's problem, OP, not yours.
He could go around to visit her - briefly - if she is local. Or just have a bunch of flowers delivered, like most people do.

Or - shock, horror! - see her on a different day.

My husband was very fond of his mother, but in 20+ years I don 't think he ever saw her on Mother's Day, because it was a 300 mile round trip, and she would have thought it was a stupid thing for a busy man to do.

People who expect to be fussed over like this (on birthdays etc) are people I just do not understand, tbh.

You missed her out last mother's day and so that's probably why she wants to book something in early this year. She's probably thinking of spending the day with gc - so why not let your dd and dh go on without you while you spend time with your mum?

Honestly I can't understand women who make a fuss about mother's day. My dcs are lovely on mother's day but I feel a bit silly as I don't do that much for them anymore as they are grown up. However I did like to treat my mum so I get it. My MIL made such a song and dance about Mother's Day when she had to start sharing the day with me, it actually put my dh off doing anything for her. He just phones her on the day.

Is your husband worrying about how to plan his day with your mother on Mother's day?

If not, consider why you are for his parent.

WTF?

OP had a newborn last Mothers' Day, MIL was not 'missed out'! And why exactly should OP, who is obviously a Mother too, have to spend her Mothers' Day without her child and husband, because MIL/Granny wants it to be all about her? It is not Grandmothers' Day so the notion that she wants to spend Mothers' Day depriving a mother of their child so she can spend the day (the entire day?) with her one-year-old grandchild - have you thought that one through?

If I have grandchildren I shall make it very clear to DD and DIL that I have had my turn. It is their turn to be fussed over by their children, helped by the dads. If they want to see, phone or Facetime me that would be lovely but I shall not ask, much less insist.

Grown women with adult DC and grandchildren who still think the day is about them need to give their heads a serious wobble.

A definite no to the idea of a day out. One meal is enough.

I don’t know anyone in real life who visits their mum on Mother’s Day when they have their own children.

They visit respective mums (usually together) the weekend before or after, and spend actual Mother’s Day together with their kids. My husband didn’t see his mum on Mother’s Day even before we were together so that seemed pretty normal to us regardless, I’m orphaned. We tend to go on a family day out.

I don’t know anyone who hosts everyone for a meal, or splits the day. I wouldn’t mind a meal but I wouldn’t particularly want to spend Mother’s Day running between houses…

Mumsnet rule 427/b.
As a minor family member a MIL should have no input into any family arrangements.
She should be informed of any arrangements made and be prepared to make herself available for these if, and only if, required.

Grandmother's should not try to dominate mothers day.

I think breakfast/brunch is a great idea too. I also think as the ones still actively parenting then whatever is organised it shouldn’t cause you any extra stress/work.

i also think it’s up to your DH to make this clear to your MIL and remind her that she’s not the only mother and others needs have to be considered.

You’re just being antagonistic. If someone has to remind you that they have more obligations than just you then it’s probably time for a bit of self reflection.

It’s a made up day to get people to spend money though isn’t it. There’s always one mum going to feel put out unless you all do something together. And then where do siblings come in? Too much hassle for my DM - she never bothered about it so neither do we.

Remember you are now a mother too and shouldn’t be spending your day pleasing others.

when our children were younger Mother’s Day was spent at home until mid afternoon, we then visited mil and my mum in the afternoon for coffee and cake. No dinners out, no huge celebration, just a lovely day of relaxation

i dont see the point in going out for dinner on that day places are far too busy and I find service and standards slip due to being so overwhelmed with customers.

How nasty!

I don't really care too much about this issue tbh, but I'm surprised by this - as a mother of young children with lots of other friends who are mums, I witness more fuss made of mums of adult children than mums of young children.

Personally, I certainly view Mother's Day as a day to celebrate my own mum rather than my children celebrate me. Of course I expect my husband to show willing and buy me some daffodils and do breakfast for me on their behalf, but my children have no real understanding of Mother's Day, and every year I grow older, especially since becoming a mum myself, I have a renewed appreciation for everything my mum has been through.

Doloresparton · Today 10:10
**
Goodness.
I don't think my dc have taken me anywhere on Mother's day since they got married.
I get a card and a phone call.
That should be enough, surely, for mothers with adult dc.
Mothers day, imo, is for small dc to make a fuss of their mums.
We're hardly being much of a practical mum once our kids are adults.

This. I’m granny now. That people who are old enough to have grandchildren should be so needy over a daft, made up day is weird.

Your DH needs to be firm with her about what you as a family can manage now that you're a mother yourself. Maybe visit one mother for an hour or so in the morning, have a rest over lunch time, and then invite the other mother over for an hour or so in the afternoon for coffee and cake while your DC is napping. Then you have the late afternoon/evening as a family with a nice takeaway so that there's no cooking or cleaning to worry about. MIL cannot commandeer the whole day, that's just selfish.

She is ok but she is not my Mum so why would I spend Mothers Day with her?