Can a family court judge force my child into nurserh

[ShyasminW]

Please help I would be really grateful
I have a family court final hearing next week and my ex has put forward his position and wants 50/50 shared care and he wants our son to go into a nursery on his days during the week

i only work part time I do one night shift at the weekend when son is with his dad

I provide full time care all week for my son and son goes to dad for tea mid week after he finishes work

my worry is a judge will force me to take him to nursery half the week on dads time when I am available for him

the nursery he wants our son to go to is 30 minutes from my home approximately I know it’s in an area that’s at least this far from me, and I don’t drive so I would have to get a bus to take him to nursery on “dads days” I also don’t know the name of this nursery as he said it’s linked to his work and he gets discount but he hasn’t stated the name of the nursery to his solicitor (or they haven’t told me) so I won’t know this until we are in court (we do not have any communication me and dad so I can’t ask him)
do you think a judge would force my 18 month old son into nursery when I am available to care for him
can they force me to take him even though I am available to care for him

cafcass did not recommend 50/50 either

sorry this long post

The OP has already said 2 important things.....

SHE DOESNT WANT HIM IN NURSERY, SHE WANTS TO CARE FOR HIM HERSELF IF SHE CAN

SHE DOESNT NEED TO WORK AT ALL (lucky her!) AND DOES IT FOR HER MH NOT MONEY

Not capitalized for you specifically but for everyone who is obviously not bothering to read all @ShyasminW posts!

Can’t you get a shit hot lawyer and fight your ex? You have the financial means. Why is carcass involved? Personally it seems ridiculous to me that your child is put into nursery at 18 months when the mother is available to care for the child. Fight it.

I was thinking this too. Nurseries want you to book set days normally not a rolling pattern. Also he might be very surprised at how much it costs as most places charge a substantial top up to the “free hours”

This.

He will need to collect at 7pm Wednesday for example, drop off/you collect at 7am Sunday for it to be 50:50 and surely he wants a weekend day to actually spend time with his DC if he’s putting him in nursery during the week!

You should not be involved at all in pick up/drop off at nursery.

Whether you intend to work extra hours or not, I’d be making the case that the days need to be the same each week for continuity for DS and so you can work. Why should you facilitate his working pattern by days changing each week if that’s what he’s asking for if it leaves you unable to work when he has care because you can’t get a job which allows you to work different days of the week?

He sounds absolutely horrific and is continuing his abuse of you through your DC. I sincerely hope the Judge refuses his demands.

This. He's talking out of his hat.

The only circumstance in which he'd be paying less for full-time nursery (with the 30 free hours) than in child maintenance would be if he's a high earner (£100k plus). And at £100k plus, you lose your entitlement to the free hours anyway as a high earner so a full-time nursery bill would be around £2k per month (as opposed to £700-800 in child maintenance).

It's highly unlikely that the maths is going to add up for him on this one.

What, at 18 mths old? What invaluable skills will he gain that he won't get from one to one time with his own mother and attending local playgroups with her? I was a sahm and my child was socially very well adapted, but also skilled in other respects when he started nursery school at 3.5.

Thee court if your sun is nursery age is not gonna have a lot of faffing when it comes to DS schedule.

handover can be contact centre, or via trusted person so that you too don’t have to see each other. You may have to drop him to Kirsty for dad to pick him up if it agreed that’s the DS schedule.

I don’t think the court will look to kindly on your refusing to take him. As they might see it as frustrating contact. If you don’t want to do that then handover at a Certain n tact centre the morning of or night before.

obviously this is based on a ruling of 50/50

OP doesn’t need to work more hours nor does she want to. OP is financially able to stay at home with her son and wants to. Looking after a child is a valid choice (and an important role) just the same as having a career is.

A discount off nursery fees shouldn’t mean your ex gets to choose where your child goes to nursery. And the fact you don’t drive says to me you should insist on this nursery being closer to you. Suggest you look around a few - it is a very personal choice - before deciding.

I haven’t read all the messages in this thread, so apologies if this has already been covered.

Why aren't you asking your lawyers these questions instead of mumsnet?

Yep same here. 3 short day. (8-4) with 30 free hours is £750 a month

5 days is obviously more. Then you also have full days.

Even with free hours you’re probably looking at a grand a month.

OP I wouldn’t mention in court that you don’t have to work. I would state in court that this would present unnecessary difficulty for you and isn’t in the best interest of your child.

• The 2255 would restrict your ability to increase your hours of work. It doesn’t matter that you don’t need to work. Don’t mention this. If it comes up - well that’s hearsay. Just because that’s the situation right now doesn’t mean it will always be. We never know what the future holds. Stick to this. If you decided you wanted to, it would limit your options. Ex is seeking to limit your ability to work. However. If your personal circumstances remain as they are
• Due to your availability it makes sense that school will be near you rather than 30 mins away. You will be available to get him there and pick him up without the need for wraparound care, which will be in the best interest of your child. You will be immediately available to support his education, help with homework, reading, phonics etc. As this is you don’t want nursery to be 30 mins away as ex will seek to continue this with school, wanting a school in his local area, and if he takes it to court they may agree with him if son is already attending nursery in that location.
• 2255 will also be hard on your son once he starts school. It’s very disruptive given the distance, and small children need consistency, which you would be able to provide due to your personal circumstances.
• You know full well that due to your ‘current’ circumstances any sick day cover will fall to you - another argument against 5050 and should be a deciding factor of nursery/school being local to you. I expect it will also be the case with school holidays and you will be expected to cover them all.
• You don’t currently have 5050. There is police involvement. Cafcass don’t recommend 5050. There are no safeguarding concerns related to you. Your son is settled and thriving. Courts don’t like to upset the status quo. You have a handover process in place and it works. It makes no sense to put a child in nursery when his mother is against this and available to look after him.
• You don’t drive. The location of nursery and the fact you don’t drive, along with the fact you are able to look after your son without the need for nursery just strikes me as a way of your ex continuing his abuse - it’s a deliberate inconvenience to you, and unnecessary because you don’t need to use nursery at all

Good luck

I think it’s quite obvious he only wants 50/50 to wiggle out of CMS.

What are the CAFCASS recommendations?

Usually, the court will follow their recommendations 75-80% of the time. Do you have legal aid / representation?

I would look ahead to when your son is 3, you probably will want him to go to some form of childcare to prepare for school. You do not want this to be a nursery 30 mins away. So i would make a counter proposal where he goes to a particular preschool that is convenient for both of you and then a linked school perhaps. But not now, in 18 months.

They almost certainly won’t force nursery as such.

But what they can (and should) insist on is an appropriate split, and handover arrangements.

It might be that a handover 45 minutes away from your home is seen as unreasonable and dictates that needs to be closer. Or might be that one handover that you travel for and one that’s done in your house is considered a reasonable balance rather than two at some half way point.

Dads time, dad gets to choose how it’s spent.

Which is bizarre as the other parent is the cheapest form of childcare available to an NRP unless very well-off 😂.

It honestly sounds like he hasn’t investigated nursery costs or how it works. He’d need to book fixed days and it’s expensive.
I’d use some money to pay a lawyer to represent you (direct access barrister?)

It doesn't sound like she needs the money to be honest.

PS i would also argue that 2255 prevents you working in future and interrupts your sons schedule eg he wont be able to attend swimming or groups.

A few thoughts ... how old is your son? If very young no court will think nursery is essential but if over 3 it could be argued that nursery is a better option than staying at home with you all week (I'm not saying whether it is or isn't just that there's arguments in favour of at least one year of pt nursery before school.

Another thought is do you claim uc? If so they will expect you to seek work once your dc is 3

Finally perhaps he doesn't want his child every weekend, most people have an arrangement of every other weekend for a reason.

I do think the 50/50 may be about cms. Likely even but the court may see it as freeing time up for you to work during the week, i would insist on set full days during the week so you can seek work then

Ask for I nursery within walking distance of your house. Drop him at the nursery 15 minutes before dad is due to pick him up.

It sounds like your ex doesn’t want 50/50 if he’s putting him in nursery when you’re available to look after him, he just doesn’t want you to have him most of the time. I would just get your solicitor to make the point that there is no need for nursery as you’re available so it’s not what’s best for your child.

And?

So just because the OP has enough money to support her and her son, he gets to pay nothing?

The money isnt the issue, morally he has a child to support.

What he is doing is using that child as a tool to abuse its mother, control and hurt her.

There is DV though and police/cafcass involvement due to this. That’s why he wants to take their child and put him in childcare. It’s a way of hurting the OP. It won’t be so expensive with funded hours. I suspect he thinks OP will be made to split the costs of nursery with him, under the 2255 arrangement he wants.

Or it’s worth the money to him if he thinks it gets at her enough. Nothing surprises me anymore after sitting through several family court cases!