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Original poster

Can a family court judge force my child into nurserh

408 replies

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 20:32

Please help I would be really grateful
I have a family court final hearing next week and my ex has put forward his position and wants 50/50 shared care and he wants our son to go into a nursery on his days during the week

i only work part time I do one night shift at the weekend when son is with his dad

I provide full time care all week for my son and son goes to dad for tea mid week after he finishes work

my worry is a judge will force me to take him to nursery half the week on dads time when I am available for him

the nursery he wants our son to go to is 30 minutes from my home approximately I know it’s in an area that’s at least this far from me, and I don’t drive so I would have to get a bus to take him to nursery on “dads days” I also don’t know the name of this nursery as he said it’s linked to his work and he gets discount but he hasn’t stated the name of the nursery to his solicitor (or they haven’t told me) so I won’t know this until we are in court (we do not have any communication me and dad so I can’t ask him)
do you think a judge would force my 18 month old son into nursery when I am available to care for him
can they force me to take him even though I am available to care for him

cafcass did not recommend 50/50 either

sorry this long post

OP posts:
everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 09:16

@Yalta Non-contact handovers between Dad and Mum advised; judge will order Mum (or a third party) drops child off at nursery on handover day. It's pretty simple really.
Dad needs to work.

Livinghappy · 08/02/2025 09:20

Judges usually go with the recommendation of CAFCASS so that's the likely outcome.

However I think posters are encouraging you to see the wider picture, frequent contact to include overnights is seen as in the child's best interest, as is attending some pre school.

No one would expect him to be at nursery it’s not the law that children attend nursery

Be careful that you aren't seen as resistant to nursery as whilst I understand that 18 months is young, a year goes by quickly so you may need to propose a plan that accommodates pre school, close to your area. Otherwise a plan could be proposed on you.

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 09:20

@TinyMouseTheatre No - lawyers definitely cannot swear and they must converse in The Queen's English at all times.
My barrister definitely didn't say of my ex-husband: "You can't polish a turd." 😀

Interested in this thread?

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1 year olds Families Family law
Yalta · 08/02/2025 09:56

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 09:16

@Yalta Non-contact handovers between Dad and Mum advised; judge will order Mum (or a third party) drops child off at nursery on handover day. It's pretty simple really.
Dad needs to work.

Then dad needs to collect child from a 3rd party and take child nursery himself or pay someone to collect child from op’s home

If he wants 50/50 then he needs to do 50/50. Just because he works isn’t an excuse

Not that he will get 50/50

sazza76 · 08/02/2025 10:05

If you haven’t read at least all of the OP’s posts then why assume you know the full picture and be unkind? People still coming on and posting saying that the OP is assuming the EH should work FT but not the OP, she has explained her financial situation repeatedly.
If you don’t agree with the OP then why keep repeatedly posting your opinion and being so critical of them. No one has to agree with your advice, what are you trying to achieve? I know people say its public and they can post what they want but that doesn’t make it ok.
OP has obviously been through a difficult time, she isn’t saying her EH shouldn’t see their child, she isn’t trying to stop him being a hands on parent or take away his rights. Yet she is being spoken to unkindly just because a few people don’t agree with her or think they know everything.

Original poster
ShyasminW · 08/02/2025 11:02

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 03:47

Father can do exactly as he pleases on his days - end of. And actually, if he's working, of course he's going to put his child in nursery on his days. Fair play to him.
OP - don't see why you feel father should work ft but you only work a little? How many hours do you do currently? Your son is equally your financial responsibility.
In the unlikely event it did go 50/50 (only unlikely if Cafcass have advised no), then you would receive no maintenance from father.

I don’t need to work full time not my fault or choice that my ex H works full time is it

OP posts:
Original poster
ShyasminW · 08/02/2025 11:09

Livinghappy · 08/02/2025 09:20

Judges usually go with the recommendation of CAFCASS so that's the likely outcome.

However I think posters are encouraging you to see the wider picture, frequent contact to include overnights is seen as in the child's best interest, as is attending some pre school.

No one would expect him to be at nursery it’s not the law that children attend nursery

Be careful that you aren't seen as resistant to nursery as whilst I understand that 18 months is young, a year goes by quickly so you may need to propose a plan that accommodates pre school, close to your area. Otherwise a plan could be proposed on you.

I plan on him attending pre school at the school I would like him to attend, pre school would be half days morning and afternoon sessions the year before reception though that would be a few years away

i do plan to say he will be attending pre school

OP posts:
Original poster
ShyasminW · 08/02/2025 11:35

Completelyjo · 08/02/2025 06:58

You don’t expect or want your sister to have her own life? She’s never going to go on holiday? Change her work schedule? Get ill? Move house?
It’s not realistic for her to be available for every handover forever. And getting a new partner to do it when is hardly going to be the ideal choice. If you and your ex can’t meet to hand over your child why would he meet your new partner with the child?

Show quote history

How can you even predict this how do you know a new partner wouldn’t help? How do you know my sister would not ? I also said I had other family who will help, not just one person I am relying on I have many family members. I have made this work for 18 months with no issue.

OP posts:
Dithercats · 08/02/2025 11:42

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 09:16

@Yalta Non-contact handovers between Dad and Mum advised; judge will order Mum (or a third party) drops child off at nursery on handover day. It's pretty simple really.
Dad needs to work.

Actually if it is granted the dad will have to collect child at his time - whether from mums house or if mum requests a public place (eg outside Tesco where there is CCTV).
Judge won't order mum to drop off at nursery only for dad to collect at 6pm.....though if dad's not available till 6pm an evening handover is much more likely

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:45

@Yalta Why would he not be awarded 50/50?

OnceUponASausage · 08/02/2025 11:45

JustAskingThisQ · 07/02/2025 17:38

Sorry i thought you'd want to contribute to society in a meaningful way. Silly assumption I suppose.

Show quote history

She is doing.

She’s living off her inheritance rather than taking a job that could be filled by someone who needs one.

Meanwhile she’s available for her son rather than accessing government funding for nursery that she doesn’t need, making that space and funding available for someone who needs it.

How is that not meaningful?

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:47

Went 50/50 in my case with non-contact handovers with ex-husband as had been abusive to me.
I had to drop 3 yo at nursery on "his" day and ex collected him after work @Dithercats.
All court ordered.

OnceUponASausage · 08/02/2025 11:47

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 07/02/2025 23:33

Yes, nursery is part of socialising education but so are the groups This child goes to 4 times a week it seems.

And will no doubt be establishing meaningful relationships in those groups.

Musing, I don’t see how removing a toddler from his primary, consistent carer is in his best interest. My son thrived at nursery initially but recently he’s seen a turnover of staff which means he’s had 3 key workers in the last year, and he is struggling emotionally with this as he doesn’t understand that they’ve gone to another job. He’s 4, he just doesn’t understand. If I was in a position to be at home with him so he has that stability, I would do.

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:48

@OnceUponASausage Is this a limitless inheritance that will never run out?!!

Dithercats · 08/02/2025 11:51

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:47

Went 50/50 in my case with non-contact handovers with ex-husband as had been abusive to me.
I had to drop 3 yo at nursery on "his" day and ex collected him after work @Dithercats.
All court ordered.

Did to not ask for first refusal of care?
If a parent is available then a child under 3 does not need to be in childcare.

I had EOW plus first refusal for both parents written in. No need for dc to go to nursery when I was home & available - therefore as ex wasn't flexible on work it was EOW only.

OnceUponASausage · 08/02/2025 11:51

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:48

@OnceUponASausage Is this a limitless inheritance that will never run out?!!

Why are you asking me? OP doesn’t seem concerned and she’s addressed it several times.

OnceUponASausage · 08/02/2025 11:52

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:47

Went 50/50 in my case with non-contact handovers with ex-husband as had been abusive to me.
I had to drop 3 yo at nursery on "his" day and ex collected him after work @Dithercats.
All court ordered.

Thats frustrating. Were you also a stay at home parent?

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:54

@OnceUponASausage I am being sarcastic as there is no such thing as a limitless inheritance (unless she has inherited from a multi-millionaire, of course). How is she going to provide for her child going forward? Just as much as her responsibility as it is the father's.

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:56

@OnceUponASausage Yes, as the controlling bastard had stopped me from working.
I had to return to work sharpish which actually was right. My child, my equal financial responsibility.

Dithercats · 08/02/2025 11:57

I think part of the issue is that you simply do not know what the judge will order as there are no set guidelines.
Each judge simply orders what they see is best - so 2 judges could order different things
Judges generally take Carcass recommendations 🙄....though mine didn't thank goodness as they never even bothered to meet the children without ex outside the room (COVID times online).
The other agencies working with our family gave more thorough reports and ultimately the judge ruled according to those.
But there isn't a UK standard so it's often only a guessing game - especially behind the closed doors of family court.

OnceUponASausage · 08/02/2025 12:00

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 11:56

@OnceUponASausage Yes, as the controlling bastard had stopped me from working.
I had to return to work sharpish which actually was right. My child, my equal financial responsibility.

OP is financially responsible. It’s just that she doesn’t need to work in order to provide for her child financially. It’s come up several times.

Sounds like you are envious rather than sarcastic.

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 12:03

@Dithercats Ex-husband wanted 50/50 exactly so that was what was awarded. Abuse towards me irrelevant btw. Rights of The Father.
He worked every hour under the sun so child had to go in nursery, even though I could have had him (and wanted him) during my days at home. As well as being his Mummy I was also a primary teacher so quite possibly advantageous 😀

JaneAustensHeroine · 08/02/2025 12:03

You are choosing to react against any advice that goes against what you want OP. You cannot control what your ex partner does on the days he has his child. You can control what you do on the days you have your child. End of. Your child might actually benefit from nursery so perhaps be open to this possibility rather than decide right now that it’s a bad idea when you have no evidence against it. This is simply a fear of losing control OP.
And I agree with previous posters about getting other people doing handovers not necessarily being sustainable long-term so worth thinking about these arrangements now. Sometimes arrangements just have to be tolerated rather than loved.

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 12:04

@OnceUponASausage And when the money provided by others runs out? What then?

OnceUponASausage · 08/02/2025 12:10

everychildmatters · 08/02/2025 12:04

@OnceUponASausage And when the money provided by others runs out? What then?

‘The money provided by others’…

Now you really are coming across as jealous. OP owns her house outright and has said several times that she won’t need to work for the foreseeable future. This has clearly put a bee in your bonnet. OP has stated that her child will be well into school age if/when she ever has the need to work more. The issue of nursery when mum can look after him will be irrelevant by then.