Can a family court judge force my child into nurserh

[ShyasminW]

Please help I would be really grateful
I have a family court final hearing next week and my ex has put forward his position and wants 50/50 shared care and he wants our son to go into a nursery on his days during the week

i only work part time I do one night shift at the weekend when son is with his dad

I provide full time care all week for my son and son goes to dad for tea mid week after he finishes work

my worry is a judge will force me to take him to nursery half the week on dads time when I am available for him

the nursery he wants our son to go to is 30 minutes from my home approximately I know it’s in an area that’s at least this far from me, and I don’t drive so I would have to get a bus to take him to nursery on “dads days” I also don’t know the name of this nursery as he said it’s linked to his work and he gets discount but he hasn’t stated the name of the nursery to his solicitor (or they haven’t told me) so I won’t know this until we are in court (we do not have any communication me and dad so I can’t ask him)
do you think a judge would force my 18 month old son into nursery when I am available to care for him
can they force me to take him even though I am available to care for him

cafcass did not recommend 50/50 either

sorry this long post

So sorry you're going through this, your ex is a dick. Judge can't force you to send your 18 month old to nursery, and it would not be reasonable to use a nursey which is 30 minutes away, when you don't have a car, as handover place.

Emphasis needs to be on your sons wellbeing, and being at home with his mum at that 18months is better for his wellbeing.

Your ex sounds like he's just trying to avoid paying any child support, and probably thinks you'll have to pay half the nursery fees.

Congrats on getting this man out of your life.

I have a lot of anxiety and I like to hear things from more than one person as sometimes people get it wrong
it’s nice to hear from other people and their experiences
please be kind

Surely if it is dads day then dad needs to collect his child from you and drop him at nursery

I also think that the randomness of the dates can’t be allowed as you work nights and that isn’t going to be possible

You need at least 1 weekend day and 1/2 the week Monday to Friday

He wants 50/50 then give him 50/50. Not what he is suggesting

It doesn't matter. Fathers should pay for their children. The money is not for the OP, it's his contribution to his son's costs (and CM already takes account of ability to pay).

If I go out for dinner with friends, I don't expect them to sub me just because they might earn more than me. I pay my share.

So what? Last time I checked we don’t means check the mum so dad can get out of paying for his kids.

2-2-5-5 is a frequently used schedule for older children (not toddlers or younger) simply because the weekdays are always the same.

Parent A always has Monday and Tuesday (overnights)
Parent B always has Wednesday and Thursday (overnights)

Weekends (Friday to Monday) alternate.

It helps hugely when working, and it also helps kids and education providers know which parent is always collecting on which days. Only Friday collection alternates.

Even with the funded hours, it's likely to be more expensive than CM. I agree though it may be about control and hurting the OP (and potentially getting her to give up CM) since it doesn't sound like he's thought through the plan very well.

you are fine; there is not law that can force a woman to catch a bloody bus to turn up with a small baby at a random nursery in a town where she has no business. Tell everyone you won't be doing it

This happened to a friend of mine, athough the child was about 2.5 at the time.

Judge ruled 50/50 on a week on/week off basis. Child had to go to nursery on mums weeks even though she worked part time and had childcare in place.

Fucking ridiculous.

questions to gain answers to are
does the father really want the split of care or is he using to control
does the father believe in the benefit of nursery and child development or again is it control
if father truly believes his child will benefit nursery then he has a right I’m sure to also but it would surely be more responsible for it to be either closer to you so you can help take and collect or if near him then he has to make provision to do the drop off and collection

Surely you could do handover anywhere? Eg at your local police station or supermarket that has cctv? He could get him at 5.30pm and then have him overnight and take him to nursery in the morning- so you'd have to pick up from the nursery.
If you want your son in the daytime you could suggest that dad hires a childminder to collect from yours and take to dads, then take back to you in the morning.
But you could also argue what's the point of putting your son through that - why not just do the teatime then he comes home?

Great but is that really all you want to do? Be a "stay at home mum" Or has it become a tactic in this tug of war where your child in the middle?
Stay at home mum does NOT guarantee 'stability', believe me on that.

Obviously, it's not for any of us to decide the issue but I would hope a judge would see past what you are trying to do and decide with your child at heart.

Picks up and drop offs should be shared and neither should be put out more than necessary. So there'd clearly be some things to sort out if he got the extra time but, as adults, you get it done because this is about the child you share and will share forever
It really is just about splitting the time fairly and staying in your own corner when it is not you time 🤷‍♀️

Try to ignore any of the voices on here that aren’t in your corner. I’ve come across far too many men like your ex and so have the courts.

Practical advice that you might already have arranged, but if not: As there are police involved I expect you will be entitled to legal aid for court proceedings. Make sure you get this certificate in place if court is in the future. Research the solicitor you are assigned, make sure they are experienced, and make sure they arrange a barrister to represent you in court.

I agree

Ps if he pays for a day at nursery you don't have to take him there in the morning. You could keep him at home with you till 5pm and he can go into nursery for 15 mins and then dad collects him from there.

That sounds absolutely fine, the nursery can just be a handover place

I dont know the legal answer. Could you try calling gingerbread? They may be able to advise. I can say that I have seen a situation like this a couple of times and it absolutely messes the children up. All the comings and going and handovers and stress of struggling to settle in nursery then school. Is there any way you can move further away? If this all continues it will not have a happy ending.

It doesn't sound to me likely that your ex would get 50/50 care at the moment if a hefty proportion of that time would be taken up with your son in nursery. However, be aware that that situation may change in, say, a year's time when there could be deemed to be an educational and social advantage for your son to be in nursery. Also, if you are financially comfortable it may also be found to be reasonable for you to contribute to transport, whether by investing in a car or using cabs or using public transport.

what am I trying to do exactly ?
I do work part time
i want to be present for my children before they start school and I want to be around for the school drop off and pick up in the future

It is highly unlikely a nursery would agree to this, especially with a funded place. I think with funded places the children need to attend most of the time for the nursery to claim, and even with full-cost places nurseries tend to want children who will attend regularly and benefit from the provision.

Any nursery involved in this are going to be fed up pretty quickly and will be creating a trail of notes about it (safeguarding, well being, absense, lateness etc).

It's not being unkind to suggest you get proper legal advice for your situation.

Also, OP, I really don't feel as though the 2255 approach is in your baby's best interests. How can you explain to an 18mth baby why they can't see their mother for 5 whole days and nights? That would be extremely distressing for them.
Also, do not point out that the nursery costs would be expensive for him and likely impossible to secure. In the highly unlikely event that the court agrees to it, he then will either be considerably worse off financially, which will piss him off no end, or he will then try to back out of his side of the arrangement, which the courts won't react kindly too, particularly if he'd made a strong case for 50/50 and it transpired that he couldn't even be arsed to actually research how it would work.
Do not tip him off.
Go in with your own set of demands.
Every other weekend. 1 evening mid week. Research which school you would like your son to attend age 4 (choose a local one, ideally with a preschool attached). Say that you are happy for him to attend nursery part time aged 3 (it's the first term after they turn 3 and not on their third birthday). You would prefer for him to to attend the same school as preschool for consistency and ease of transition. You would like him to attend a local school so that he can attend play dates and be a part of the local community as he grows up, particularly as you don't drive. Also empathise any other family you have close by that he enjoys seeing. Have a back up compromise of a school half way between yourselves, although again stress the difficulties of transport, or of securing a school place outside of your catchment area.
You could research your local schools and say that you are willing to make a joint decision between 2 local choices. If you have done research and are seen to be thinking rationally and ahead in your son's best interests, you will come across far better than your ex who hasn't given any thought to the long term future care of his own son.
Don't bash your ex at all or accuse him of anything. Just play the very reasonable parent acting in their child's best interests.

Under 2s only get 15 hours free which is about one day a week.

Also, bear in mind that if it does proceed and you collect him after half an hour of being in nursery and dad finds out, he might start dropping him an hour late etc and playing games or may set up meetings with nursery to paint you as a bad parent. Think through everything but get onto the gingerbread website and see when you can call for advice.