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Original poster

Can a family court judge force my child into nurserh

408 replies

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 20:32

Please help I would be really grateful
I have a family court final hearing next week and my ex has put forward his position and wants 50/50 shared care and he wants our son to go into a nursery on his days during the week

i only work part time I do one night shift at the weekend when son is with his dad

I provide full time care all week for my son and son goes to dad for tea mid week after he finishes work

my worry is a judge will force me to take him to nursery half the week on dads time when I am available for him

the nursery he wants our son to go to is 30 minutes from my home approximately I know it’s in an area that’s at least this far from me, and I don’t drive so I would have to get a bus to take him to nursery on “dads days” I also don’t know the name of this nursery as he said it’s linked to his work and he gets discount but he hasn’t stated the name of the nursery to his solicitor (or they haven’t told me) so I won’t know this until we are in court (we do not have any communication me and dad so I can’t ask him)
do you think a judge would force my 18 month old son into nursery when I am available to care for him
can they force me to take him even though I am available to care for him

cafcass did not recommend 50/50 either

sorry this long post

OP posts:
Original poster
ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:41

Thank you for replying

OP posts:
Spanielsaremad · 05/02/2025 21:41

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:39

Thank you for your reply x

Op you need to quote the person you're responding to so your responses make sense.

Thehop · 05/02/2025 21:42

There's no way on earth a nursery would offer rhe days your ex has him

he would have to pay for a full time place (20 days in 4 weeks) to use 7. Nursery won't do that, he'd be a nightmare to settle. He's clearly not investigated.

but yes, dad can choose to use a nursery on his days if he wants. No you don't have to agree to take him there.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Families Family law
wordler · 05/02/2025 21:42

What’s the difference in costs for your ex between paying for nursery and paying you CM?

diddl · 05/02/2025 21:43

Does he only want the 50/50 so that he can stop paying?

I mean honestly what is the point of the child being at nursery on dis dad's time when his mum is at home?

MikeRafone · 05/02/2025 21:43

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:35

Thank you for replying

because he would wake up with me on dads days, dad starts work early so I would have to take him

Then the father isn’t doing 50/50

the father either needs to get his son before nursery, or pick him up from your house the evening before and take him to nursery

ir the child stays with you until the father finishes work - then the father picks up the child and has overnight and takes to nursery the next day

if the father can’t take the child to nursery himself why would you be doing that?

Original poster
ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:45

He gets nursery 90% free he says because of free 30 hours
i dont know much about it though

OP posts:
LeavesOnTrees · 05/02/2025 21:45

Why were the police involved ?
Is he going for 50/50 to get at you, as opposed to really wanting to spend time with his DC ?
I'd stay calm and firm stating differing days doesn't work with your schedule (doesn't matter if you don't need to work), and logistically the proposed nursery is too far away.

Original poster
ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:47

wordler · 05/02/2025 21:42

What’s the difference in costs for your ex between paying for nursery and paying you CM?

He said nursery is “almost free” because he would get free childcare so quite a lot

OP posts:
Goldbar · 05/02/2025 21:47

I suspect this idea will be a compete non-starter when he actually tries to book a nursery place on this basis.

Househunter2025 · 05/02/2025 21:48

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:45

He gets nursery 90% free he says because of free 30 hours
i dont know much about it though

Both parents have to be working to get 30 hours. And that's only from age 3 anyway.

You should suggest some better alternatives such as a closer nursery. Or you could let him off the CM if that will make him drop his insistence on 50 50.

CatherineDurrant · 05/02/2025 21:48

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 20:58

Sorry I didn’t put this

we have had police involved snd cafcass also said third party handover only so me and ex husband dont see each other so I would have to take him.

No, family court cannot order nursery. It is up to your husband what he does in his time with your son and likewise for you.

You haven't said really what YOU want in terms of the split of your son's living situation. It sounds like your ex is trying to call the shots and you're moving around him rather than pushing back.

If CAFCASS aren't supporting 50/50 and are suggesting contact with 3rd pty handover, there are concerns. Suggest a more standard M-F with you, with alt weekends with F plus a teatime during the week. That said, F may be easier about it if you put your son into mornings at nursery. Suggest you pick one closer to you than 30 mins too if you can. Nursery is childcare but it is educational too.

Please get a lawyer, if only for the hearings if that's all you can manage so you are represented.

Huskytrot · 05/02/2025 21:49

Goldbar · 05/02/2025 21:47

I suspect this idea will be a compete non-starter when he actually tries to book a nursery place on this basis.

This.

Even with 30 free hours, fully time places are not almost free. And it would be mad to have a full time place for him to hardly ever be there.

OnceUponASausage · 05/02/2025 21:49

Elektra1 · 05/02/2025 21:24

Yes you're available NOW. Do you plan to work only one night shift a week forever? How can you afford to live? If you were working more then nursery near you would be needed, so one option would be to think ahead to your future and what you envisage workwise and make plans for that.

Show quote history

OP already explained her circumstances. She doesn’t need to work.

WB205020 · 05/02/2025 21:49

@ShyasminW It will do your DC the world of good to go to nursery. He will learn invaluable skills. It will also enable you to get some independence and work more hours whilst he is there or with his dad.

MikeRafone · 05/02/2025 21:50

With 30 hours free a week and a child going to nursery 3 days a week (24hours) - the cost is £500 at my local nursery

im not sure if your ex is actually aware of how stuff actually works

NotAPartyPerson · 05/02/2025 21:50

Has he considered what would happen on days when your son is ill etc?

YANBU OP, and I hope the judge rules in your favour.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/02/2025 21:51

I strongly suggest that you speak to your lawyer about this and what they plan to do to rebutt it.

This is abuse by another tool. He is forcing you to have to do his bidding, not because it is best for your son, not because he needs DS in childcare but to control you and your time.

He wants 50/50 because he knows it hurts you. But......he doesnt want you to go out and have a nice happy time in that 50/50 free time because he wants to control you. So by introducing this (frankly fucking stupid) idea, he gets to do both. Hurt you by limiting your time with your son, arse up your life by never having a set schedule and THEN making sure that the time you should have to yourself is still taken up by facilitating him instead of doing what you want to do.

I am tagging @TheFormidableMrsC in this because although her story started differently, her ex used court to try and abuse her to the point where he (and his OW) where judged to be vexatious litigants and I suspect that your ex may do the same.

Controlling abusive exes do not stop being controlling and abusive when you have escaped them, they simply try to use other methods. Your solicitor/barrister REALLY needs to be on top of this.

lilytuckerpritchet · 05/02/2025 21:51

I can't imagine the court would order that he got to nursery but if your ex gets 50/50 he could choose to put your son in nursery during his time. It wouldn't be your responsibility to get him there though.
You mention your ex doesn't want set days, I doubt that would be agreed in court.

Alternatively you could find a local pre school and it your son in to preempt any plans your ex has

Scentedjasmin · 05/02/2025 21:52

I just don't see how a court would agree that a child would be better off with strangers at 18mths rather than with his own mother. I also don't see why a court would insist that you be the one to travel by bus to drop your baby off at a specific location close to your husbands work. Why would long bus journeys be in your son's favour either? Does your ex have a car? Does he live closer to you than his choice of nursery? It may be slightly different if your son was 3 perhaps and ready for nursery, but 18months seems ridiculous to me. My gut feeling is that they would not force this arrangement. Do you have a solicitor or an advocate for you? Show willing to compromise and say that, in 18mths, when your baby is a toddler, then you won't object to him attending nursery for a short day (max 6 hours a day part time), but that he's not going to receive the same quality of care that you can give him. I also would also go for set days of the week for any over night care. All that chopping and changing makes things harder for you to increase your hours (the court doesn't need to know that you don't need to increase your work hours). If, in the event, that the court does agree that 50/50 is best (which i don't believe that they will), then have an alternative nursery as an option that is half way between you and easily accessible by bus. That way you will appear as though you are being reasonable and trying to make things work. I suspect that your ex is less reasonable and that this won't help his case.

alwaysMakingItsofar · 05/02/2025 21:53

They cannot force anyone to go anywhere , when you do not drive - that is bonkers. Let them try. You stay home and say: I don't drive

purpleblue2 · 05/02/2025 21:53

Do any of the previous posters realise or understand your child needs to attend the setting regularly to keep a place and also your paying for the place all year round so it would be expected the child to go even on mums time. It’s not like you can say to the setting one week they’ll be here one week they won’t.

Glorybox2025 · 05/02/2025 21:53

What is the current interim arrangement for contact?

short answer is yes in theory but if he's relying on you to take him to nursery on the days he's proposing to care for him, it doesn't sound like he's actually in a position to have 50/50. This is not a well thought out plan on his part.

Katbum · 05/02/2025 21:53

I think you need to present these issues to the judge and let them decide.

alwaysMakingItsofar · 05/02/2025 21:54

Courts cannot tell ordinary people how to live their lives and where exactly to turn up with their children each day, this is not North Korea