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Original poster

Can a family court judge force my child into nurserh

408 replies

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 20:32

Please help I would be really grateful
I have a family court final hearing next week and my ex has put forward his position and wants 50/50 shared care and he wants our son to go into a nursery on his days during the week

i only work part time I do one night shift at the weekend when son is with his dad

I provide full time care all week for my son and son goes to dad for tea mid week after he finishes work

my worry is a judge will force me to take him to nursery half the week on dads time when I am available for him

the nursery he wants our son to go to is 30 minutes from my home approximately I know it’s in an area that’s at least this far from me, and I don’t drive so I would have to get a bus to take him to nursery on “dads days” I also don’t know the name of this nursery as he said it’s linked to his work and he gets discount but he hasn’t stated the name of the nursery to his solicitor (or they haven’t told me) so I won’t know this until we are in court (we do not have any communication me and dad so I can’t ask him)
do you think a judge would force my 18 month old son into nursery when I am available to care for him
can they force me to take him even though I am available to care for him

cafcass did not recommend 50/50 either

sorry this long post

OP posts:
ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 05/02/2025 21:08

Is it nursery you’re against or is it the logistics of that specific nursery?

DeffoNeedANameChange · 05/02/2025 21:08

I can't believe so many posters on here are taking the "he can do what he wants with his child on his days" line.

I thought the family court was meant to put the child at the centre of all decisions? To my mind, giving 50:50 even though he would be placed in nursery on his dad's days would be centering the father (who has "equal rights to his child") rather than centering the child (who would much rather be with his mum than at nursery).

Original poster
ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:09

So say my son sleeps with me on my day he would then wake up and wake up into dads day, so now it’s dads day he would be expecting to collect our son from nursery after he finishes work so I would have get him to the nursery as dad is not allowed to come to my house for handover

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Arran2024 · 05/02/2025 21:09

Do you have a solicitor?

Snorlaxo · 05/02/2025 21:09

They would say it’s up to dad what childcare is used on his days.

Do you plan to change your working hours ? Your ex is unlikely to want every weekend because he may want to see friends, do hobbies, get drunk, date etc

Original poster
ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:11

Well it’s because I am available so I don’t see the point of nursery and also it’s far for me to travel and I do not drive I don’t want him in a nursery far away where I live it’s a 45 minute bus journey from me

as we do not do direct handover me and my ex husband I would have to take him so dad could collect him when he finishes work on his day

OP posts:
Original poster
ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:13

Because I am available so why would I want him to go to nursery nursery is used when parents have to work I don’t need to use childcare

OP posts:
Cookingdoesntgettougher · 05/02/2025 21:13

If you are not supposed to see each other is ex stating nursery as the independent place? What is your proposal (unless you don’t think any contact is safe).

itsallabitofamystery · 05/02/2025 21:13

There would have to be a handover in the morning, and arrangements made for dad to take child to nursery and pick them back up.

BruFord · 05/02/2025 21:14

I'd clearly explain to the judge that you'd be unable to transport your child to this nursery 30 minutes away on "Dad's days."

If Dad really wants to use this particular nursery on HIS days, he'll have to find a way to transport your child there, because you can't.

Then present some counter offers - you could look after your child on those days or perhaps they could attend a closer nursery that you can get them to.

I'd also consider seeing whether you can pick up an extra day or two at work on "Dad's days" to boost your income.

JollyZebra · 05/02/2025 21:16

If he wants 50/50 but is prepared to pay for full-time nursery, then he will only see his young son for a couple of hours before bed each evening and then a hectic morning hour to get him to nursery before work. Seems strange that he is pushing for this situation. Has his solicitor explained why he wants to do it this way?

VivaVivaa · 05/02/2025 21:17

No way should you be expected to transport the child. I’d point this out heavily. It’s extremely expensive for a start and would completely eat into your ability to do extra hours of paid employment. If your ex wants to use a nursery he needs to arrange a 3rd party pick up point closer to you, pick up your son and take him himself.

Is he aware that most nurseries don’t have flexibility either? So his plan of changing days each week probably won’t work out?

How would you pick the child up on your day as well if you and ex husband can’t have any direct contact? What would happen on the morning after your son has stayed the night with your ex?

It sounds like madness.

Original poster
ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:18

I do not work in the week and I also don’t need to I was gifted a house from a will I do not need to work to support myself financially so I would not need to work more

OP posts:
Survivingnotthriving24 · 05/02/2025 21:19

Sounds like he just doesn't want to pay you maintenance, and not because he can't afford it but because he doesn't want you personally to benefit.

I cannot see any benefit to an 18 month old child being in nursery when his mother is available to care for him and I'd hope any sane judge would feel the same.

littlepinkflowersx · 05/02/2025 21:19

The judge can order your son to go to nursery - they would order for days days to be A,B, C from Am - pm for example. But dad would need to pay for this.
However -
You say cafcass aren't in agreement for 50/50. So what have cafcass offered? Is this a section 7 they have completed?

80-85% of the time judges go with cafcass recommendations; with some tweaks if agreed by parents.

Harrumphhhh · 05/02/2025 21:19

I think you might need to step back slightly.

Put aside ‘nursery’ specifically, and come up with a more general list of ‘logistical’ queries.

IF ex was to have DS 50-50, when and where would hand overs be?

IF he was to have him 50-50, who is responsible for childcare, when?

Etc.

HelpMebeok · 05/02/2025 21:19

Yes the family court if they decide 50/50 could enforce this as by not taking him to nursery that day it wouldn't be 50/50. Surely you would only take him one day of the week? Then dad would return him to your sister at your house

Suimai · 05/02/2025 21:20

Keepitrealnomists · 05/02/2025 20:43

Why are you against your child going to nursery?

Because he’s 1 ffs? Who wants their 1yo to go into childcare when they can stay home with them? This is not in the best interests of the child, and I very much doubt any judge will enforce 50/50 contact when dad just wants to take the baby off mum to pay strangers to look after it. I wouldn’t be too worried op

titchy · 05/02/2025 21:20

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:02

thanks for replying but I think I would have to because dad doesn’t want set days he wants 2255 schedule so not the same set days weekly it would be different week days every other week. So my son would stay the night with me on my day and then he woukd wake up on dads day with me and I woukd have to take him to nursery I’m just wondering if a judge can force that especially if I am available to care for our son mid week

If that pattern did get agreed it would be whoever he woke up with that took to nursery. So the handover time would be late afternoon, then if that was him picking up from you (or someone on your behalf) he would take to nursery the next day.

Whoyoutakingto · 05/02/2025 21:21

Sounds like it would be very confusing 🫤. So if you agree to the irregular days that would prevent you getting more hours at work, or a different job with more hours. So just tell them you intend to work more so need set days and on ex’s days you will be going to work yourself so would not be able to do all the travelling to nursery because it’s in the opposite direction of work.
Also surely a nursery need set days too?
Try to start as you mean to go on, it won’t be that long until school so another set of problems. Also when you’re child is school age does UC not require you to work more hours?

BruFord · 05/02/2025 21:21

JollyZebra · 05/02/2025 21:16

If he wants 50/50 but is prepared to pay for full-time nursery, then he will only see his young son for a couple of hours before bed each evening and then a hectic morning hour to get him to nursery before work. Seems strange that he is pushing for this situation. Has his solicitor explained why he wants to do it this way?

@JollyZebra My guess is that he doesn't want to pay CM and he's also not particularly bothered about spending quality time with his child.

Namechangedforthis2525 · 05/02/2025 21:22

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:02

thanks for replying but I think I would have to because dad doesn’t want set days he wants 2255 schedule so not the same set days weekly it would be different week days every other week. So my son would stay the night with me on my day and then he woukd wake up on dads day with me and I woukd have to take him to nursery I’m just wondering if a judge can force that especially if I am available to care for our son mid week

2255 is set days weekly. It would look something like this;
Monday - Parent A
Tuesday - Parent A
Wednesday - Parent B
Thursday - Parent B
Fri/Sat/Sun - Alternating weeks.

I’m not saying I agree with a child being forced to go nursery but if you cannot do handovers in person together, nursery does seem the logical step ahead of school which will also act as handover except half terms. He could do Wednesday for a 1/2 day so you take him in the afternoon, dad collects 4/5 pm accordingly from nursery. Likewise if it’s your weekend, you collect from nursery at lunchtime after dad drops him off.

If dad wants your child to be in childcare in his time, and is financing it, unfortunately I can’t see how a court will say him working and needing wrap around care is a reason to reduce contact. Come him starting reception, 2255 could potentially work well and again, being a working parent shouldn’t be a reason to not have contact.

You could propose that until school starting, contact is every other weekend and midweek but when starting school increase to 50/50 as school handovers are not uncommon.

Completelyjo · 05/02/2025 21:23

The court wouldn’t be forcing your child to go to nursery, your child’s father who has equal parenting rights would be sending his child to nursery during his contact time.

Original poster
ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:23

Thank you for replying
so after overnight with him he would take him to nursery and then I would have to collect him for my day but he would only be at the nursery for 30 mins max as I would want to spend the day with my son

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 05/02/2025 21:24

ShyasminW · 05/02/2025 21:13

Because I am available so why would I want him to go to nursery nursery is used when parents have to work I don’t need to use childcare

Yes you're available NOW. Do you plan to work only one night shift a week forever? How can you afford to live? If you were working more then nursery near you would be needed, so one option would be to think ahead to your future and what you envisage workwise and make plans for that.