Am I being taken advantage of (babysitting)?

[Subby]

My sister-in-law (who lives away) occasionally comes to visit my wife with her young daughter. She always comes without her husband who does not want to visit. We have 2 similar aged kids so it's an opportunity for the kids to get together and play.

Every now and then my wife and sister-in-law will want to go for the day and leave me on my own with the 3 kids. Obviously I have no problem looking after my own kids but I feel I am being taken advantage of when I have to look after my sister-in-law's child as her husband refuses to come down and she will not even ask him to look after their own child while she is down visiting. I mentioned this to my wife and she ending up flipping it around to make me feel like I was being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or do I have a point?

It depends how much it happens surely? If it’s once or twice a year then I wouldn’t see it as an issue, if it’s every month then I wouldn’t be happy with it

sounds like a few times a year. Kids similar age. Surely they play together as cousins. I don’t see the issue

edit for spelling

How often is every now and then? That’s really the most important thing. Doing a relatively small favour for a family member once in a blue moon doesn’t really seem like being taken advantage of.

4/6 times a year? No.

Every week? Possibly.

'Every now and then' doesn't sound too bad. How often? And how old are the kids?

As above. Generally if occasionally and kids similar ages no biggie. If however sister in law dumps her five months old triplets on you and your seven year old weekly id probably also not be thrilled.

I dont and wont baby sit for anyone its a flat out NO.

Well obviously sil should ask you if it's ok to leave her child with you and not just assume it's ok!

So yes, its only 2/3 times a year so not excessive (but sometimes its just assumed I will babysit without asking first). My issue is that I believe my sister-in-law's husband does not pull his weight when parenting. Me and my wife share our parenting responsibilites quite evenly which should be the case (but I appreciate this is not the norm for some families). I know that if the roles were reserved he would flat out refuse to look after 3 kids for just 1 day.

When I do discuss this with my wife she cuts me down and turns it around to make it appear like i'm the bad person for mentioning it in the first place. I hope you can understand this is a bit frustrating my my part.

Why does it matter what the other DH would do? Are you saying because we wouldn’t do it, you won’t either? Because that’s just lowering yourself to his level.

You're doing a kind and infrequent favour for your wife and her sister. Leave it there.

Every now and again for your children to bond with their cousin...your niece... and for your wife to have a lovely time with her sibling who she doesnt get to see much because of distance...I would say what an amazing husband you are.

Agreed

I’m not sure what your point really is here to be honest. You acknowledge her husband is shit, not doing his part, and then in the same breath saying you don’t want to do it so you want to be like him- so you also want to be shit?

2/3 times a year is nothing

Your SIL’s husband and their parenting dynamic has nothing to do with you.
You are doing your wife a favour just as much as your SIL as your wife is keen to spend 2 afternoons with her sister a year catching up without children.

Honestly I would feel the same as your wife if you were throwing your toys out of the pram over this. It is 1 extra child twice a year. You sound very out for yourself.

I think 2/3 times a year it is a nice opportunity for your kids to spend time with their cousins and for your wife to spend time with her sister. I would have thought you'd be happy to facilitate this rather than worry about what your SIL's husband is doing. Just because he is unhelpful, doesn't mean you have to be!

My husband would totally look after the kids for the day without question. So would one of my BILs. The other BIL would not. He would send them to ours. My husband is the better person in my opnion!

Do you ever do things and your wife looks after the kids so you can do it? I'd say this is pretty much the same thing. Is the extra kid an utter nightmare or are your kids pleased their cousin is there?

Separate out the issues:

• one extra child to look after 2/3 times a year - not that big a deal is it? Also chance for you to have some uncle time and give your wife some quality time with her sibling - which is a gift
• you don't approve of his not taking his share of the parental load - it's none of your business though is?

Let me just be clear, I never said I would refuse to look after my SIL's child for a day, afternoon etc. It's her husband's refusal to take responsibility that is my issue but when trying to discuss this wife my wife I get cut down straight away. However, when it comes to my family she will happily criticise them for not visiting our kids enough or doing something she does not approve of even though that's "none of her business" either.

I guess this thread has gone off on a tangent now :)

I don't see what the issue is, unless the other child is an incredible amount of trouble.

What does any of this actually have to do with having her child, along with your own 2, for 2-3 afternoons a year so your wife can spend time with her sister who lives a distance away?

In what way is your SIL’s marriage going and parenting dynamic the same as your family not visiting your children? The first is non of your business, however you’re incorrect and the latter of course if the business of your wife.

To be fair you set up the tangent because it turns out this is nothing to do with babysitting your SIL's child... it's about conflict between you and your wife over criticisms about how either side of the family approach visiting/spending time with children! Maybe start another thread about the actual issue!

I sympathise with you but by raising this with your wife you're making her feel uncomfortable for enjoying a day out with her sister. Be the better man: wave her off with a cheery smile and put the kettle on for a chat about her day when she gets back.

You're BIL sounds a bit shit but that doesn't mean you need to follow suit.
You do a nice thing for your SIL so that she gets some adult time with your wife. Given that it's only a few times a year I don't think you're being taken advantage off.

No big deal, but your disapproval of your BIL is palpable. You need to seperate the issues. Your DCs benefit from playing with their cousins a couple of times a year.

Thisssssss

when we see other people are rubbish we should rise above it and be better not join them