Am I being taken advantage of (babysitting)?

[Subby]

My sister-in-law (who lives away) occasionally comes to visit my wife with her young daughter. She always comes without her husband who does not want to visit. We have 2 similar aged kids so it's an opportunity for the kids to get together and play.

Every now and then my wife and sister-in-law will want to go for the day and leave me on my own with the 3 kids. Obviously I have no problem looking after my own kids but I feel I am being taken advantage of when I have to look after my sister-in-law's child as her husband refuses to come down and she will not even ask him to look after their own child while she is down visiting. I mentioned this to my wife and she ending up flipping it around to make me feel like I was being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or do I have a point?

@Julimia "You not heard of good will, generosity, putting other people first occasionally ? "

Course not- this is Mumsnet after all.

@Subby this part stood out to me
when trying to discuss this wife my wife I get cut down straight away. However, when it comes to my family she will happily criticise them for not visiting our kids enough or doing something she does not approve of

How very odd, I'm very glad my hubby or the other uncles, brothers don't think it's above them to look after whoever's kids are there while us women get to go out a little while. And there can be anywhere between 5-8 of them ranging from 2yr old- 10 as we are a large family and nobody moans about it just like we don't moan when all the men go out nights together at the pub and I'm left with the kids ours and whoevers wives are at work that nights kids. It's what a nice family does for each other especially when the kids are related

LOL

See if this was a woman posting about her DH's brother visiting and heading to the pub for the day, leaving her with the kids? The responses would read VERY differently.

Nobody should assume you are happy to care for their child. They should ask and give you your place. This would then allow you to do something for your wife, should it suit you.

Something that happens 2-3 times per year, is not taking advantage. Instead of focusing on your BIL, and his lack of parenting, focus on the fact that by babysitting your SIL's child along with yours, it enables your wife to spend quality time with her sister. That's a nice gesture from you, and what makes you a better person than your BIL! I understand where you are coming from though. If my husband and his friend go into town on a night out, it's me that always drops them off - it's 2-3 miles away. His friends wife uses every excuse under the sun, why she can't take a turn. Yes, it pisses me off, but I do it to help my husband.

I am absolute baffled at the number of posters who think it's this woman's god given right to leave her children with her BIL to go out?

The OP IS NOT saying that women don't deserve time out. The OP IS NOT saying that his wife doesn't deserve one on one time with her sister.

But the OP IS saying that they do not want to be taken for granted and denied basic common courtesy. Not only from their SIL but actually from their own wife too.

Honestly.

2-3 times a year is not a lot so no I don't think you are being taken advantage of.

I think the issue with the sister-in-law's husband is separate.

Sorry I am not getting this - would you prefer your wife takes your kids and leaves them with b’n’law and goes out with her sister near where they live?

YOu are not being "taken advantage of" - you are, very occassionally, facilitating your wife spending time with her sister AND facilitating a positive relationship between your DC and their cousin.

It would be nice if your wife acknowledged this and appreciated it.

Your BIL is an ass, but that is not something you can change. As a caring BIL, a better solution is to be even more willing to do this small amount as she probably doesn't have mcuh time to get a break.

One thing I will say is I DO have som esympathy for you overall (but that doesn't negage any of my previous three points). We often have to care for our DNs. I genuinely don't mind when it's because SIL needs help - eg she has to work or go to the gym and she has the kids. But it used to INFURIATE me when we would get a call at short notice because exBIL had just announced he wasn't goign to do school run that day or have the DC that afternoon. Because I felt like I was helping HIM and that really annoyed me. It wasn't entirely rational, as obviously if I hadn't stepped up SIL would have had to cancel work as it's not like the DC coul djust be left, but it still annoyed me.

Unless you're being left with 4 toddlers or something I don't think it's a massive ask unless your wife never does you any favours.

Maybe your SIL doesn’t ask in advance because your DW tells her it’s ok and you’ll babysit. In years to come your niece will have happy memories of the times she spent with her cousins and uncles. It’s only 2-3 times/year.

Feelings are a symptom of something. It is not something to ignore or trivialize. This bothers you enough to post about it on a social media platform. So it matters and will only get worse if you don't address #1 why it bothers you? And #2 why your wife is discounting your feelings? People will ALWAYS treat you however you LET them. So, the onus is on you to speak up about your feelings. IMO there should ALWAYS be equity in relationships. It won't always be one for one, but clearly in the situation you describe, your wife could take y'all's kids to the sister's house and the sister's husband could watch them just as easily as you could. ALL of them are taking advantage of their relationship with you by not asking you and forcing you to do something that they never do for you. *If they watch the kids 95% of the time and you only 5%, you should understand that's not equity. My opinion is based on you saying that you and your wife share child care responsibilities and your sister/brother-in-law never watch your children. I wish all of you the best! Take care!

How kind you've been and of course it's nice the cousins catch up. Try and spin it and say actually could you have the 3 this time and as there are 2 adults you can have your catch up as well as spend time with your daughter and neices . My wife and I have something booked. If you can't that's fine. We will take our two.
If they say no ..then it's using ..if they say sure you always do I and I should appreciate you more etc then it's not using and just family complacency.

Apologies if this has already been said, @Subby - I have just read your posts - but look at it this way. Yes, your BIL is a lazy shit, and it is shameful that he is ducking out of being a parent - but by doing what you do, you are showing your young niece that a man can be a good parent, can care for children, can pull their weight and be happy doing it - and that, in her adult life, she shouldn’t settle for a lazy arse like her dad, for a partner, but should look for someone like you.

You are being a good example of what a husband and father should be.

Plus your girls will grow up knowing that a man can be generous with his time and effort, not only to his own children, but to other children too.

I agree with this. Added to which the implication that she is free to criticise but you are not. You two are a team and he's not her sister so she should see it as you supporting her sister [and her own point of view]

You could insist he comes too. But then he'd probably sit on his arse and expect you to wait on him hand and foot and that would piss you off even more.

You're a good man for doing it even it it generates an understandable level of resentment that there's no reciprocity.

I'd start referring to him as Mr Dozen [as in Dozen do anything]

I wouldn't mind babysitting my niece/nephew for the night so my dh could spend some rare quality time with their sibling.

Whether your niece/nephew's other parent doesn't do their fair share is irrelevant to this specific question if the are not even there, you are doing it for your partner's benefit and you get to spend time with your niece/nephew (assuming you like them!) too. Not sure why it has to be a big deal?

True enough. Can't believe the attitude on here most of the time on here.

I think whether or not this is fair, depends on how often you're getting time to yourself OP.

I can quite see that it seems unfair if your DW, SIL and BIL are leaving you to look after all the children so that they can all do something nice without you. But if in reality, you have similar time to yourself without the kids, then I don't think you have a leg to stand on. Alternatively, if you don't get similar time to yourself then I think you would be entirely reasonable to make similar time for yourself, or just make plans when SIL is staying with you, so you won't be available to look after all the children.

The BIL stays at home, presumably because his wife wants to hang out with her sister, and he doesn't see the point of travelling from where they live to sit uncomfortably in the house with the OP while the children play and his wife and sister are out somewhere.

And if the visits happen two or three times a year, and the OP's wife and her sister only go out for the day 'from time to time' (ie, not during every visit), it's surely not a pattern of behaviour that sees the OP grimly looking after his own children 24/7 while his wife skips gaily around town with her friends. He may be looking after one extra child in addition to his own, once a year.

It’s 2/3 times a year, let it go.

stop worrying about what your SIL’s husband isn’t doing for her and focus on the fact that you’re doing something nice for your wife.

Your brother in law's failings aside, it seems like the main issue is the assumption that you'll be looking after all the kids and a lack of appreciation, a simple- 'would you mind having the kids for the day?' from your wife and a thank you at the end of the day would go a long way, then you can wish your wife and her sister a fun time and catch up at the end of the day, which ideally would be rounded off with a 'I appreciate you having all the kids, thanks for our day out' from your wife and a reciprical offer from her if there's something you'd like to do... and an equal level of appreciation from you if your wife has the kids for you to do things...

I genuinely cannot imagine that level of ceremony being necessary between a couple with any kind of normal, egalitarian relationship.

I don’t think @Wherearethewaves is suggesting a hugely formal interaction, @SelectedStories - just a normal level of respect between partners, so that one of them doesn’t feel taken for granted.

Feeling appreciated and not being taken for granted is not about ‘making a principled stand’. It’s about being treated as a person who is doing something nice for someone.

Of course he has a leg to stand on. The only kids people have responsibility for taking care of is their own kids, no one else’s.